I’ve had a horrible cold the last few days and it sucks. I hate being sick but I hate more when my depression turns into something that makes me physically ill which I believe is happening right now and it sucks. I came home from work and put tomato soup in a yeti cup because I am lazy and would rather drink it like that vs sipping it out of a bowl. It really helped my throat and I will say being sick is distracting me from other issues. I sound like I’ve smoked 2 packs of Marlboro Menthol’s a day my entire life. (In my brief smoking period I would only smoke menthol’s). My moods have sucked and I am trying to power through it but it is hard to do. I spend the day with my daughter and husband when I got home from work. My daughter eventually went to spend the night at my moms house so the hubby and I laid in bed eating Zaxbys and watching Better Things. (I am now obsessed with Better Things.) I love laying on Wayne there is something about my head on his chest that is so relaxing. No matter what is going on if my head is on his chest nothing else in the world matters at that moment. I am worried about so much mostly money and all of this. I don’t know what I am doing with this and what direction I want to go. I’ve fallen in love with my book again and I need to publish it but it seems so surreal actually finishing it and letting people see inside. I have a blog entry saved here that I occasionally type on when I’m in the mood but I need to focus dammit get all the pieces together and create the magic that started so long ago. I just need to get there again.
I will start with this and even as conceded as it sounds it is the truth. I was not meant to live an ordinary life and I honestly haven’t. I was never meant to work a 9-5 and have a simple life. There were gifts given to me writing and this illness. This illness is a struggle everyday but I found my voice to help others and so here I am in the early morning hours so excited to get this started. I know there will be a piece of me in every topic that hurts to remember even the terrible horrible awful thing I’ve mentioned before (but that one may take a bit longer to write.) I also know that this can change my entire life but I am willing to risk it. When I talk about people unless it is my husband or Tater they won’t be assigned a name or a gender. It is to protect those people even if I feel like they don’t need to be protected. I may quote people that will make you stop reading or not be able to take me seriously, but sometimes these quotes sit well with me for different reasons. There is a method to my madness and I hope you can follow along.
These aren’t in any particular order some of them randomly appear as they come to mind. There is so much I want to say and putting it all in words is hard. I know it might anger or upset someone but you have to remember that if it isn’t “what you think happened” it’s all a matter of perspective. There are parts of my life that I remember and pictures to go with it but there are parts I tried to forget but I will talk about those too and whether you like it or not you are all about to become my therapist. I am hoping doing this will help the fucked up dreams I’m having.
I feel like my mind is trying to tell me something, but I can’t figure out what it is.
“But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don’t work without action; I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame.” Roseanne