Growing Pains

So if you’ve clicked on my blog you’ve probably seen every color possible, different set ups, logos. I took graphic design classes in college but apparently none of it stuck because I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying to make it look better because I have some important things coming up I want to do so I’m trying to make my blog better but I’m lost. The content will never change but if I can figure out these damn buttons I’ll be happy.

This is a prime example of what happens when you have too much and are also too cheap to let someone else do it but I finally made a logo.

Truths for my daughter

There are conversations you don’t want to have with your child at any age and this is one of them. My daughter is 13 and she made a friend at school but this friends parents will not let her come over to our house and isn’t welcome at theirs because of my illness.

I know right now she is mad at me because of it and if I could change their mind I would but I can’t because they believe it is a sign of the devil and I’m extremely dangerous and unstable. If you are reading this just know I’m not and if for any reason I felt off I would never put my child or anyone else’s child in harms way. I am well aware of my illness and for the most part the signs something maybe happening are obvious not only to me but my daughter and husband as well. It would be easier for me to judge you and call you close minded but I won’t. You are entitled to your beliefs and it isn’t my place to tell you how or what you should believe. I do wish you would take a chance to get to know me and I hope one day you will. I hope one day you express your openness about these things to your children so they can come to you without fear of judgement. I believe in my heart that God never makes mistakes, he makes us in his image and I am who he wants me to be. I know that have followers who have different beliefs and this is in no way me trying to force my religion on someone else but if the parents are reading this I wanted to say that from Christian to Christian.

You have an extremely sweet and caring child from what I’ve heard and they are definitely the kind of people I want my daughter to surround herself with so please let’s use this a time to start a conversation about mental health and how we are no different from everyone else. I will try to explain this to my daughter again but this is her normal so she has a hard time understanding why other people don’t get it. So I wish you well and if you ever want to talk please let me know.

6 month checkup

It was time for my 6 month checkup. I take great pride in knowing that I’m on 6 month visits that means I’m doing something right. This time I wasn’t as tense as normal though I know the conversations we were having are kind of hard. My psychiatrist and I have an agreement that I can be 100% honest with him and his first reaction is not to throw me in a hospital. It is because of this I feel like I can communicate openly with him. His office has this amazing nurse that takes my blood pressure and then asks me the general question how is everything going which means let it all out and I do we talk about moods and other issues that are going on. I feel very fortunate to be able to speak freely with them. We discussed my suicide ideation issues and mood swings that come along with the new job.

This is also when I was open about leaving my old job and even though I wanted to go to have something more stable and to get away from an environment that wasn’t always the healthiest for me. I allowed myself to become consumed by all the negative things/people around me it was my own fault but I couldn’t control myself and because of this it was toxic. I was enabled and was the enabler to too many people and if any of you are reading this now I am sorry. We also discussed the whole situation with my husband and he was a little disappointed when I didn’t call the office. (I call his office when ANYTHING happens including non psychological issues.) He had there was probably something temporary they could’ve done to ease it out but I think it needed to be hard and I needed someone to push me back and put me in my place. He understood that and we also discussed no matter mood swings happen it’s just how you cope with them.

I’m glad to be on the 6 month cycle after years of every month, every three months or in some cases every 3 weeks. (That was mostly during my addiction and constant overdosing.)

I’ll be the villain

 You’ve been begging for it so here is your 15 seconds of fame. I hope you enjoy it. There are three sides to every story. My side, your side and truth but since you feel the need to tell everyone your side here is mine but unlike you I have some class so I won’t use your name, gender or any other telling information. You keep telling on yourself and also people who’ve heard your side will read this and see some truths in the bullshit.

My situation has changed over the last year and now I’m more involved with the community but these same people tell everyone how I’m a horrible person and not to trust me.  I don’t know how else to say this because I’ve tried to be polite about it but I’m not anymore. The only way I know how to do this is to bullet point. So let’s go:

• If I could make 2015 not exist I would but I can’t and it’s been 5 years so you need to let this shit go.

• When I wrote about what happened I named you person one. I did not even give you a fucking gender to hide your identity because I knew people from our town could read this. You were person one. If people figured out who you were I can’t do anything about it.

• I’m not silencing myself from what happened to protect your fucking ego. It happened to me and it was a life changing year for me.

• I lied during those 6 months. I don’t know how many more times you want me to say it. I’ve seen snippets of what happened and there are parts that are completely false. I know I lied to you. If I tried to tell the truth to you now I know you won’t believe me.

• I was an addict. That’s never an excuse to do what I did. My addiction screwed up so many relationships and ruined trust with other people. I never actually sobered up until 2017. It took me two additional years after everything that happened to sober up. My addiction wasn’t a lie it was the truth. My old job, my best friend both in and out of state but mostly my husband and daughter can confirm this.

• I’ve learned to handle the guilt that came with everything I did. The scars I’ve left on my daughter emotionally and mentally. All the times I drove high knowing that I could have killed an innocent person. Using people for attention including a chat room geared towards people with illnesses that made them vulnerable to the hell I put them through.

• You are basing my character on 6 months. You knew nothing about me before then we never spoke until everything happened. I just want you to know that addicts change when they sober up and had you ever bothered to get to know me you would know I am a completely different person than you make me out to be. I’m not this horrible monster that destroys lives. It is really sad that you can’t even be a decent person.

• You have Pinterest about me and it is hilarious. Did I show sociopath and narcissist traits? Absolutely I did but I feel like we need to keep referring to addiction and if you are “licensed counselor” you claimed to be you would know that. Addicts will do any and everything to get their way and what they want.

• I hurt your ego. You thought you were an expert but surprise you aren’t and you were never qualified to handle someone with my illness. You need to leave that to the experts. I showed you that you don’t know a quarter of what you say you do. I had to correct you on several different disorders because you were stating false and ignorant information. You have a problem with pride and you need to work on that.

• My psychiatrist and therapist didn’t like or trust you. They felt like you were using me to build yourself up to be something you weren’t and as someone who isn’t licensed or trained you were completely out of your element with me they said and I quote, “I am worried that person one will hurt the progress we’ve made and cause you to take steps backwards. They are more likely to hinder your treatment than help it.” end quote. They felt you were inexperienced and as my therapist stated, “Googling as you go to guess the next step.”

• You knew I was suicidal on several different occasions but didn’t alert anyone. You thought I was doing it for attention. (I have the screenshot.)

• If you were a real therapist you know that you aren’t suppose to share any of my information unless it put me or someone else in danger. (See previous reference.) If I was high and told you that you could tell a specific person you should’ve known not to anyway. You showed them very secretive things that I don’t share with people and then let them use it against me because you thought I was a horrible person. (Those are your words.)

• You deleted parts of our conversations to protect yourself. I know you did and you showed me where you did but you wanted to blame me for EVERYTHING and played the victim saying I was just using, manipulating and trying to control your life. Did I have fault in this absolutely but you never took any ownership that you did too. It was easier and safer to blame everything on me that way when someone particular found out you could dictate your own narrative. You played the victim so well you deserve an Oscar for your performance. I owned up to my shit multiple times but you’ve never owned up to any wrong doing during the situation.

• I NEVER told your personal stories to anyone. I felt like if it happened during a private session it was between us. You told me personal stories about your family and yourself but again I have class and some respect for you so I don’t and will never say anything. My business was spread so far I am better off posting it on Facebook. You’re lack of human decency and class is disappointing.

• You still won’t look at me or speak to me neither will others in your family. If you need to ask a question you ask my husband to ask me. Read that again to tell me how STUPID and CHILDISH that sounds. I know it was bad but come on we are adults and you are older than me. You have the audacity to call me names when you need to reflect on yourself and your family. 

• Do not come at me after you read this. If you ask my husband if I will have a sit down conversation (you know since you are a little bitch and don’t have the balls to speak to me directly. Maybe that is a little harsh.) I am going to tell him to let you know to go fuck yourself. You’ve had 5 fucking years and have done nothing but drag my name I don’t owe you a minute of my time. I apologized for my part in what happened whether you accept it or not is up to you. If you wait until I speak publicly about this (again even though I have not once said who you are. NOT. ONE. FUCKING. TIME.) to address the only thing you are obviously concerned about is your reputation but it is trash anyway and that has nothing to do with me. You did that to yourself.

• On a funnier note I am not stalking you. I blocked your number, email, on all social media platforms and I’ve had zero contact with you since it happened. The only time I see you is in public but I don’t speak so I don’t know why you think I care what you are doing but I don’t just keep my name out of your mouth. That is all I need you to do and asked for.

I bet this didn’t go the way you thought it would. Enjoy these 15 seconds of fame I know you like to feel important even though you aren’t. 

It’s time to see the psych again.

I’ve actively avoided him for as long as possible but they won’t refill my meds until I see him. This whole process is a chore in itself, getting the day off work, making sure my husband can pick up our daughter driving the 45+ minutes to get here and I dread it. This time I had to pay for a past balance before they would schedule the appointment only to walk in and here you still owe a balance. I lost my cool a little and feel bad for the girl behind the desk. I had paid the balance so they would give me a 30 day supply of medication. I had a balance because my amazing psychiatrist was out due to personal reasons and also COVID was on its first phase of shut downs so I had to talk to this asshole via zoom which sucked. He didn’t listen to a word I said he just kept pushing my meds and new meds because I needed a change. The feed kept freezing and he wouldn’t shut up long enough for me to talk every time he asked me a question it was like “How are you feeling?” “I am feeling….” “You need something besides Lamictal…” How in the world would you know that after you barely asked me a question and didn’t let me respond. I called back and told them that I would rather go without meds than talk to that jackass ever again. I think we were prepared for the conversation though. I don’t know if they heard me fuss at him or he complained about me but alas it is that time again. I am glad I was given the option to go in the office. I know that with just a few hiccups I’ve been okay but it is always an uneasy feeling… Here goes nothing

Godspeed Jolene

As I sit here writing this my car is currently on jacks the hood, trunk, and drivers side door wide open my gas tank on the shop floor if only it were my fuel pump but it isn’t and as I watch them my heart is breaking.

It isn’t just a car to me. I can tell you where every ding, scratch, and the stain is from, my salt life sticker I picked out when we were in Pensacola after a trip to Orange Beach Alabama even though we don’t live anywhere near a beach. My initials crooked on the back glass, my beads are from the AFSP walk along with a discolored brown and pink polka dot ribbon I bought for my daughter but that it looked better on my mirror. I remember driving my husband’s old beat up green S-10 with no insulation and holes in the floor board. The seat was nothing more than pieces of wood and I had to sit all the way forward just to drive it. The gas hand didn’t work so you had to guess when it needed gas and a “security” switch (it had to be hard wired because of a problem with the ignition switch.) but it got me to work and home amazingly with minimal problems. I’ll never forget the day I went to the car dealership and drove my car for the first time. I fell in love and I had to have it.

I remember going to Jacksonville Florida just a week after we bought it. I had Sirius radio for free and drove all night drinking red bull and berry smoothies from McDonald’s we fell asleep in the beach and got so sunburned. This car drove all the way to Naples, Florida and back which is a 9 hour drive. We took it on all the family vacations but it was there for me. It was there for me when I needed to scream at the steering wheel when I had a bad day, it took me to the drs appointment and later to and from the psych hospital. I drove it when I was high, manic and severely depressed. It took me to my spot on the lake where I sat on the same concrete making my suicide videos. It survived all the times I drove high especially the few times I ran off the road, all the times I almost rear ended someone trying to find the perfect song on my phone. It survived every move, angry fight when I sped off or took my computer hid in my car crying.

Godspeed Jolene you were an emotional attachment I wasn’t ready to let you go yet especially with the new job but know that you will always have a place in my heart. I have emotional attachment issues so this one hit me hard.

Conversations from the treadmill

Somewhere between 2Pac and Valerie Carter, drenched in sweat at a 7.5 incline with 2.8 speed my brain and I had a come to Jesus meeting. I’ve struggled the last couple of weeks last week being the worst with my depression. I’ve also hid it the best that I could and if you’ve dealt with mental health issues for as long as I have you know how to turn your illness into a “migraine” “stomach virus” or any other physical illness because saying, “I’m depressed.” Comes with so many questions you just don’t want to answer because for some reason you just can’t be depressed without a reason. I never understood why that is I think it’s just a stigma people don’t realize. (That’s another topic.)

I said things to myself that if anyone who didn’t struggle with this said to me it would piss me off. “You’ve dealt with worse. You’ve got to suck it up we’ve done so well with avoiding melt downs. I know right now working out feels like torture but you have to just sitting around the house makes it worse. Last week sucked but this week we are going to do better. We are going to shower more than once, brush our hair and teeth every day. Get out of bed on time put on makeup because we always feel better when we do. I know you hate it but you might have to force that smile. You around people who aren’t use to you and don’t know what you are going through maybe if they did they would treat you better but I doubt it. You are a badass who went through a complete breakdown, overdose got kicked out of the house, detoxed and never missed a day of work even if you were late. I know you can do it you just have to focus. It’s hard to focus but I need you to try. You have stereotyped yourself so much you want to punch yourself in the face but I know what you are capable of and I know what you’ve been through this isn’t something you need to worry anyone else with because you can do this. I love your crazy ass and the fact that I can say that now is a huge improvement. Just fight it okay.” That sums up the conversation I had with myself. I left out some of the swears and other personal details but I have learned to love myself some and I think that makes times like these easier.

Do you have these conversations with yourself?

Come at me coronavirus

Who isn’t scared of the Coronavirus because you survived so many overdoses and with all the medication you’ve taken, stuff you snorted, manic episodes and all the other reckless ways you’ve lived your life that you should suffer some permanent damage but Gods got a good sense of humor spared you and survived you have this fuck it attitude. If I can take so many benzodiazepines I should’ve died at least 15 times if not more survived withdrawals while working, managed manic episodes without being hospitalized and managed to keep a sliver of sanity. So I’m not worried about the Coronavirus. If I’ve survived life this far a virus isn’t going to scare me.

For everyone who is suffering from or died because of the virus my heart goes out to you.

It’s me…..

What dumbass thinks going back to an environment that was toxic and caused unbearable stress is a good idea because you miss it and you can’t just be normal because you aren’t normal and you are having mental health issues without it but will probably have more with it but it was the only thing you had to cling onto when it got bad even though it just made everything worse and enabled bad habits but again you are a dumbass who doesn’t think decisions through and that’s why you have 7 tattoos some of which you regret because you were manic and thought it was a good idea but now can’t wear regular clothes because of them. It’s me…..I am that dumbass…..

Surprise new job I have crippling anxiety…. you are welcome.

I broke in my new coworkers in the other day. I had an anxiety attack at work and it was so embarrassing and awkward. I didn’t sleep good last night because of storms and I got paranoid about pine trees and tried to move my husbands truck and got it stuck in the mud so then I was so paranoid he would be mad I couldn’t sleep. So my anxiety was already up and then I made a mistake and I freaked out thinking I would get fired and I ended up holding on to a wall for dear life hyperventilating and crying. They don’t know about my anxiety so they were completely lost on what was going on or what to do. They know I have anxiety issues now. Surprise I come with quirks you find out about later. We figured it out and they didn’t care too much about it. I think they were worried I would freak out again. I don’t think people realize how fucking embarrassing it is to have an anxiety/panic attack in front of strangers in public.