This is overly optimistic even for me. I have no idea again as to what the fuck I am doing. I believe I am going to do great things in 2019 and I am fighting my anxiety as much as possible. I am trying to find the positives and today was just hard to do.
*Short update*
Sometimes it be like that when I’m not here as much as I should be and I shouldn’t do anymore of these damn challenges because it pisses me off. I have a bunch of catch up blogs I’m working on just bear with me. I’ll be back in action.
This is a picture of us at our high school graduation when you proposed to me in a crowded gymnasium smelling of musk and overpriced cologne. We graduated in a class of less than 100, but you waited until the end and as the band played pomp and circumstance out of tune echoing across the room you stopped everyone and called me back on stage and in front of over 300 people you proposed to me. People still talk about it to this day and they remember that baby faced young man profess is love on that stage to a young woman he’d known since they were 12 and started dating 3 years prior. If only we knew then what a whirlwind we would into 18 years later.
Thank you for the man you didn’t have to be. Thank you for staying when others would’ve left. You took care of everything when I couldn’t. You ran the house and raised our daughter like a single parent when I was too depressed, manic, high or all of the above. You cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, kept me as together as possible, called work every time I overdosed and told them why I couldn’t come in that day, or the days I was too depressed to get out of bed. You were polite for the weeks to months I didn’t shower, brush my teeth or have any personal hygiene finding the nicest way possible to tell me I needed one even when I got angry every time you did. You told me I was beautiful even though I hadn’t showered or changed clothes in weeks. You drove me to the hospital, doctors, countless trips to the pharmacy. You always worried (and still do) about me being home by myself and had people “check on me” even though you played dumb. The times I know you texted and held your breath waiting for me to reply and the bit of relief you had when you saw those few gray dots on the screen. Thank you for being my conscience and guiding me from potentially severe actions that could’ve killed me. I know you cried every time I tried to kill myself even though you got stern with me to make me understand and what was happening…I never understood. You stood through 5 years of tears, anger, frustration, concern, being afraid and completely helpless of everything going on around you to get to this point.
5 long years of dealing with me at my worst you finally get me at a better point. The point where I am able to help you cook, clean and pay bills. You aren’t a single parent anymore trying to run a household while I’m destroying everything in my path. I have personal hygiene now and I function like everyone else. I still have my moments but after 5 years of dealing with me at rock bottom you stayed beside me and I raise from dust and learn to become a person again and not a statistic of my illness you hold my hand and you love me. You did something that very few people if anyone would have ever done. When others said I was too much and they couldn’t deal with me on top of everything else. You made me a priority even with taking care of our daughter. I can only hope she finds someone who is half the man you didn’t have to be but I’m so thankful you are. I love you!!! 
When we went to the walk on the way back we stopped at Fados in midtown Atlanta. It was some of the best food I’ve had in awhile. I have pictures of the burgers which they cooked to a perfect medium rare. The hubby has the fish and chips which were like small pieces of perfection with every bite.
I’ve told everyone before that I won’t really show any pictures of my daughter so here is a picture of her without a face. I bought her that shirt at the event. I never thought I could loves someone as much as I love her. She cried as we held up our beads with pride on Sunday.
She makes me proud and I love everything about her but I’m amazed through everything she is a good person and that’s all I ask for.
Here is the link some of you asked for to donate to my walk! It is on Sunday in Atlanta Georgia!! It is for a good cause!
https://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/1591896
I have an 11 year old daughter. She has deep red auburn hair with my smile her daddy’s nose and the best of both of us. She is our heart and I can’t imagine life without her, but she is an only child for a reason.
It is rude to ask people who have one child when they are having more because it may not be in the cards for other people. You should never ask someone this question or any question relative to people having children it is tacky.
Anyway my husband and I have been together since we were 16 and he had a shitty home life and had to take care of his younger brothers so he didn’t even know if he wanted children. We decided after we got married and spent some time with our friend’s children that we weren’t necessary going to try, but if it happened then it did. All of friends said it took them around 6 months to get pregnant and since I knew nothing about getting pregnant or being pregnant I said we have time, but a month and half later we found I was pregnant. The way we found out was kind of awesome it was on my husband’s birthday. We were so excited and when we found out it was a girl my husband had tears in his eyes. I had a fairly easy pregnancy but at 8 weeks they told me I was more than likely going to have a miscarriage because my uterus wasn’t growing and back pain. I was about 2 weeks passed due when I had her naturally (I refused drugs which is a personal choice everyone is different) I couldn’t breastfeed and we went through a list of formulas for her.
She wasn’t an easy baby. She had colic and never slept while I was dealing with Post-Partum issues even when I denied it. There are parts of her life as a baby and toddler I can remember clearly, but when she was young I was diagnosed and our thought s about another child were gone.
It is amazing even when people knew about my illness they said it was selfish for me to use my illness as an excuse for not having another child. It isn’t selfish don’t ever tell anyone that it is a selfish decision it is for the safety of myself and the child. I talked to my doctor and all the meds I’m on aren’t safe to take while you are pregnant so I would have to wean myself off of those onto something not as strong to take while I was pregnant and then there were increase chances of miscarriages followed by the let’s hope the meds work. If I ever became manic or depressed and no one was around I could’ve easily killed myself or the baby. I also didn’t want to expose this child to the predisposition of having any of these illnesses because there are genetic factors with each one of them, but even with that would I ever change my mind about my daughter? I would love to say no, but I honestly don’t know. I see it in her the things she does like when I was younger and I worry she has it too. She’s seen child psychologist before about her anxiety, but I see her mood, here re/ actions to things and it was just like me and I pray that she isn’t cursed with it too. As a parent all you want to do is protect your child from everything but to know that I could’ve gave her something so serious hurts. I don’t want her to be like me, to go down the same roads I went down (I am hoping that if she is that my knowledge of everything will help.) She always says she wants to be like me but I don’t want her to be like me. I love her more than anything else in this world, but I never want to see her suffer through this shit.
The decision not to have more children was mostly mine and my husband supports and respects my decision, but don’t ever tell someone their reason for not having children is selfish because you don’t know the whole story. So I decided to not have any more children because of my mental health.
I am going to try and keep this from something I will read later and cringe because I took myself too seriously. These are in no particular order:
🖤 Living in Athens- After my husband and I graduated high school we moved to Athens. Athens, Georgia is a big city compared to where we came from so moving there was awesome. I wish things didn’t happen the way they did, but we had some good times. Our first New Years Eve in Athens I “bought” some of this horrible cheap champagne at Kroger when I got off work. They marked it down and forgot to make sure when it rang up that it would prompt for your age. I have other memories from New Years Eve at Kroger but we won’t get into those. We tried to drink it but it was horrible. I miss being that close to everything and not having all the responsibilities we have now. We lived in an apartment complex and paid $420 a month for a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. The complex had 2 pools and all kinds of amenities even though the laundry situation wasn’t the greatest we loved it. That freedom and the amount of money we wasted.
🖤 Band- I was definitely a band geek and damn proud. I played most woodwind instruments, piano (self taught) and drum line for awhile. I always wanted to go to Juilliard but life had different plans. I wish I took it seriously because I was always told that I had natural talent. I plan on buying a keyboard one day and teaching my daughter how to play. Music has always relaxed me and with her anxiety I think learning to play would be good for her. I told her if she can type with two hands she can play piano. (Sometimes when I am typing I pretend like I am playing the keyboard. I know I am weird.)
🖤 Dead family members- I didn’t know a better way to say this but you know we always take our grandparents/ parents for granted. I wish I paid better attention to the stories they told, took more pictures, had more home movies. I was an 80’s baby so the video cameras then were as big as a laptop now. We have old movies from when I was younger and a good bit of pictures. My mom moved a lot when she was younger so they lost stuff and she didn’t have as many pictures from her childhood so her mission was to make sure we had pictures from everything. I do that for my daughter and my husband. His uncle was the only person in his family to really take any pictures of them but whenever my daughter is around her grandad. I make sure to get those pictures he is in his 70’s and while I hope for her he lives to be 100 he is almost a 2 pack a day guy. Those are pictures she will cherish one day because she loves her grandad more than anyone else in the family I think. I would go back in time and record some of those stories by the fire.
🖤 Friends- We grow up and out grow our friends it isn’t a negative thing it just happens that way sometimes not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. I lost some friends because of my illness and I wish I could take it all back but I can’t and it makes me sad sometimes because I lost some very special people in my life and if they are reading this right now all I can say is it was my fault and I am sorry. I hope one day some of you come back in my life because you were extremely special to me to the others yeah… I don’t give a fuck and I’m glad you are gone.
🖤 My daughter- I don’t remember a lot about my daughter when she was a baby or a toddler. My illness and prescription problems kind of started around then. I can’t remember when she started walking or talking. I can’t remember much of it and I try to avoid when she asks me certain questions because I can’t remember and I am one of those parents who didn’t finish the baby book. My memory is getting worse so if something does pop up in my mind I make sure to write it down. I want her to have things to show her children one day if she has any or for her to keep.
This is as sappy as I want to get for now.
Yesterday I didn’t post because my moods are to the extremes that cause damage. I was at home all day today waiting on my direct deposit to come in and I kept checking and it didn’t come through. I called and after an extended hold time I was told there was a problem in their system so the paychecks are backdated. This just escalated my mood. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I paced around the house screaming there is a period I can’t remember but I started crushing cans with my hands to keep from trashing the rest of the house. I yelled at my daughter which is what I feel worst about. It wasn’t her fault that I didn’t have the money to buy cat food, dog food, or kitty litter. She was just asking if I bought any so she could clean it out. (This is part of chore list.) and I started screaming at her. I don’t know what I said to her but the damage was done so there is no point trying to remember. What I said was out of anger and moods I can’t control. She cried and all I could say was to suck it up and quit being a baby. I wasn’t a comforting or a good mother. She apologizes to me for making me upset and she was just trying to help. It didn’t matter I was so angry nothing would calm me down….except my husband and even that isn’t a guarantee. I called him and after much argument with him and me screaming he begins the process of stopping the progress of an escalation that would end up in me blacking out and running out of the house.
When he gets home we do our usual. I scream at him that I’m okay until he gets me to shut up turns the fan on in the bedroom and turns off the light and says, “You need to calm the fuck down now.” Which means it’s really bad and the black out moments have already started. I scream more before reluctantly agreeing. (He threatened to make me go stay with my mother again and (doing that once was more than enough for me.) I’m not myself, but I’m not giving you pills. (That is the next step me begging for medication.) We go through the are you high steps.
After awhile I calm down some and it is time for the apologies. (This is usually for what I can remember.) My sweet daughter had been crying the entire time, but when I apologize she hugs me crying and says, “Mama I love you and it’s okay I’m used to it.” Those words hurt…they hurt more than I could ever explain. She should never be used to it. I thought I got better and wasn’t like that as much, but I apparently not paying attention to how much damage I’ve caused or still causing. She also asked, “When I get older am I going to get mad like you do?” My heart hurts. I guess need to start saving up for therapy now because in her 11 years of life I’ve completely fucked up as a parent.
So I crushed lemonade cans to deal with my anger that I thought I was controlling but it escalated again and I’m sitting on the other side realizing the everlasting damage I’ve done.
Sometimes I think it’s easier to not be here and give her a chance to not be completely fucked by everything I’ve done to her.
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 