When we went to the walk on the way back we stopped at Fados in midtown Atlanta. It was some of the best food I’ve had in awhile. I have pictures of the burgers which they cooked to a perfect medium rare. The hubby has the fish and chips which were like small pieces of perfection with every bite.
Let start with I’m trying to not be a sucky blogger but it isn’t working right now. I am working on two separate challenges while I get my personal deep thoughts together to mix in between. There will also be a drawing for a special reward reward coming soon! Here are there two new blog challenges. 
First let me say I DID IT!!!! All 31 days it was challenging at times but I did learn something’s about myself in the process.
Ok…. weird quirks of mine. My illness does that count??
~ I bite my lip when I get anxious
– I hear voices and sounds all the time
– I hallucinate almost every night
– I can swallow multiple pills at once
– When my anxiety gets really bad and I start to hear the man I pace back and forth talking to myself
– I can’t take Ativan which is odd
– I am terrified of heights
– If you start to tickle me it turns into an anxiety attack
– I can’t hide in places because of anxiety
– I have crippling anxiety
– I don’t like to use the word hate it is a waste of an emotion
– I can’t stop swearing it is part of my everyday activity
That’s it unless you want me to go through everything with my illness
It’s been real 31 day challenge
🖤
Here is the link some of you asked for to donate to my walk! It is on Sunday in Atlanta Georgia!! It is for a good cause!
https://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/1591896
The last time I cried…… I try not to cry often mostly because I am an ugly crier and when I say ugly crier I mean it could be a Halloween costume. I don’t cry in front of people because I am weird about crying. It seems like an intimate version of yourself that shouldn’t be publicized with strangers. I don’t know if it is because of everything I’ve dealt with or because I’m just genuinely weird about these things. Please note I will not make you cringe by saying things like, “I don’t cry because it makes you weak, I am too strong to cry, I have no feelings, I’ve dealt with too much in my life to cry….” You get what I mean. I don’t believe any of that shit those are just things you tell yourself to justify your feelings because you are a little bitch who won’t man up and deal with your shit…. yeah that is the pot calling the kettle black but I don’t avoid crying for those reasons. I think it is okay to cry sometimes we need to cry it’s like releasing a valve in our body so it doesn’t overheat and kill you. I don’t want anyone to snap because I’ve snapped before and it wasn’t healthy at all. I’ve tried to learn through all of my years of therapy healthier ways to handle my shit, but I guess I didn’t pay attention because pills became my best friend. I am working on it though, writing to you guys always helps a great deal.
Now the last time I cried, it was in my sleep it is usually in my sleep because I have fucked up dreams that scare the shit out of me almost all the time. I wake up crying and that is always fun to do. The sad part is I can’t always remember why I am crying the good part is no one sees me ugly cry. The last time I actually cried for something other than my fucked up dreams was around my birthday when I was dealing with my mood shit and my husband had stuff to do that day and we were going to celebrate a little and then do something that weekend but I was dealing with mood shit and completely exaggerated the situation. (If you are reading this then I am in no way saying you were right.) I kept crying and I have no idea why probably because I just needed to cry, but I can’t always just cry because I need to I need to have a reason so I can’t always blame it on my illness. My illness isn’t as special as it thinks it is. I struggle with this version of myself a lot. I wish I could make heads or tails of it but I get confused most times. My illness is a bitch.
This is me after crying. I have a picture of me while crying but sometimes you don’t need to see something scary. Why did I take a picture of me after I cried because randomly decide to make myself cringe with stupid things such as this.
What makes me feel better?
🖤 Sweatshirts and hoodies- Who doesn’t love a big comfy sweatshirt to snuggle up with.
🖤 Family Guy- When I’ve had a rough day turning on Family Guy will always make me laugh no matter how many times I’ve seen the episodes.
🖤 Music- This sounds so cliche but it does. I have a playlist of songs for each emotion. Sometimes it doesn’t help the mood then sometimes it does just kind of depends on how I am feeling at the moment.
🖤 My car- I feel bad for my steering wheel it has received a lot of shit over the years. Whenever I’m mad I beat the shit out of it or I hug it if I am crying. It is also my swear box because whenever I get mad I let it all out in my car. There have been so many times that my husband has told me to leave because of a mood and I get in my car and fly off usually to the same places, but not before losing my shit in my car.
🖤 My hiding places- No one knows where they are for a reason. I go to them when I am suicidal mostly because there is no cell reception so it is harder to track them. I also go to them when I am not suicidal because again no cell reception so I can chill the fuck out and let the rage wash away.
🖤 Peppermint- I love peppermint and it is good for anxiety also good for night terrors.
🖤 My book- I can live in that moment with Lauren for awhile. When bills are piling up and I don’t know what I am going to do and my world feels like it is falling apart going to her world makes me feel better but I don’t think it is very healthy.
🖤 My husband and daughter- When I’ve had a bad day curling up with them watching a movie or helping cook always make me feel better.
🖤 Writing- I’ve learned that I am better expressing myself writing rather than speaking. I get mad and all my words jumble together and I make no sense, but if I write it down I can make sense of it all. This would be why my husband has so many long texts from me.
🖤 Snapchat- My daughter and I playing on Snapchat always makes me feel better I guess it has something to do with those weird filters and making her laugh. I love when she laughs. It makes my soul smile.
🖤 Bathrooms- It is the damndest thing. I have a paranoid anxiety about public bathrooms but when I am anxious I will lock myself in a bathroom to calm down. I don’t know if it is the safety of the space or the fact that it is pitch dark but it works.
🖤 Water- There is a song called Water that I am obsessed with also staring at a shower head or soaking in the tub in the dark makes me feel better.
🖤 Fans- When my husband gets really pissed at me and tells me to “CALM THE FUCK DOWN” I go lay in the bedroom turn the ceiling fan on fall asleep and then I’m fine.
🖤 Not food- My anxiety keeps me from eating, usually because I get bubble guts or the need to vomit.
Here is a picture of my keys in my car because well…. it is my safe place.
I honestly don’t have many of these. I am a reasonable and understanding person. I’ve had an interesting life so I really can’t judge other people.
🖤 Smacking- I think everyone feels this way about smacking. When my daughter is chewing gum I tell her to close her mouth because she looks like a cow chewing grass.
🖤Talking while a show is on- This irritates me. There is a reason for commercials or at least ask me to pause it first. You don’t have to wait for the middle of a show to ask me a question or tell me something when you had all this time before.
🖤 Multiple TV’s on at once- If I am in the bedroom and I can hear the TV in the living room and my daughters Xbox game in her room it is almost over stimulating and starts to irritate me quickly.
🖤My phone- If I show you a picture on my phone that doesn’t mean I am giving you an invitation to swipe through my pictures so if you see something you weren’t supposed to remember it wasn’t an invitation to look through it.
🖤 Social Media- So the same goes for social media. If I show you a post from my private page that doesn’t give you the right to scroll through my newsfeed. Be respectful people!!
🖤 My writing- If I give you something of mine to read there is a reason asking me if that is all annoys me. I had enough courage to show that much be thankful.
🖤 Talking about yourself- Saying let me tell you something about me or what you need to know about me drives me nuts. You will show me who are you don’t need to tell me because you are full of shit.
That’s honestly all I can think of.
🖤
Yesterday I didn’t post because my moods are to the extremes that cause damage. I was at home all day today waiting on my direct deposit to come in and I kept checking and it didn’t come through. I called and after an extended hold time I was told there was a problem in their system so the paychecks are backdated. This just escalated my mood. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I paced around the house screaming there is a period I can’t remember but I started crushing cans with my hands to keep from trashing the rest of the house. I yelled at my daughter which is what I feel worst about. It wasn’t her fault that I didn’t have the money to buy cat food, dog food, or kitty litter. She was just asking if I bought any so she could clean it out. (This is part of chore list.) and I started screaming at her. I don’t know what I said to her but the damage was done so there is no point trying to remember. What I said was out of anger and moods I can’t control. She cried and all I could say was to suck it up and quit being a baby. I wasn’t a comforting or a good mother. She apologizes to me for making me upset and she was just trying to help. It didn’t matter I was so angry nothing would calm me down….except my husband and even that isn’t a guarantee. I called him and after much argument with him and me screaming he begins the process of stopping the progress of an escalation that would end up in me blacking out and running out of the house.
When he gets home we do our usual. I scream at him that I’m okay until he gets me to shut up turns the fan on in the bedroom and turns off the light and says, “You need to calm the fuck down now.” Which means it’s really bad and the black out moments have already started. I scream more before reluctantly agreeing. (He threatened to make me go stay with my mother again and (doing that once was more than enough for me.) I’m not myself, but I’m not giving you pills. (That is the next step me begging for medication.) We go through the are you high steps.
After awhile I calm down some and it is time for the apologies. (This is usually for what I can remember.) My sweet daughter had been crying the entire time, but when I apologize she hugs me crying and says, “Mama I love you and it’s okay I’m used to it.” Those words hurt…they hurt more than I could ever explain. She should never be used to it. I thought I got better and wasn’t like that as much, but I apparently not paying attention to how much damage I’ve caused or still causing. She also asked, “When I get older am I going to get mad like you do?” My heart hurts. I guess need to start saving up for therapy now because in her 11 years of life I’ve completely fucked up as a parent.
So I crushed lemonade cans to deal with my anger that I thought I was controlling but it escalated again and I’m sitting on the other side realizing the everlasting damage I’ve done.
Sometimes I think it’s easier to not be here and give her a chance to not be completely fucked by everything I’ve done to her.
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 