AFSP 2019

Every year thousands of people gather in Piedmont Park to celebrate recovery, lives, struggles and sharing their story. When you walk around you see shirts of people that passed away only a few weeks prior from all different ages, genders, ethnicity, sexual orientation suicide doesn’t discriminate. Pay attention to the warning signs and if someone says they aren’t okay get them help listen to them. If you aren’t okay please ask for help. 800-273-8255 the suicide hotline. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide.

This year like every year is being thankful that I survived after so many attempts that I am still here but I look at the families who have people who didn’t survive you feel a little guilt. You see them suffering and think that this should be your family and why did you survive when I tried so many times without any severe side effects while these people are mourning the loss of someone who probably did the same thing as me. I figured while I am here I need to use my recovery for good and to help people that are in the situations I faced to help them through. This is why I blog hopefully I am helping someone who is struggling right now. YOU CAN DO THIS even when it feels impossible even when you are laying on the floor fighting that fucking bottle of pills you can do it. It feels impossible but dammit you can make it through this. Call the hotline please.

OAN: They raised over $575,000!!

Let’s try this again

I’m back……AGAIN!!!!!!! DID YOU MISS ME? I can only be overly obsessed with one thing at a time and now I’m trying to be obsessed over two things my blog and losing weight. I’ve lost 50 pounds since July. I have a lot of little things going on behind the scenes Ive actually been extremely busy and working out has consumed me but like most things I obsess about I am tired of the gym at the moment. So now I am sitting in our newly open Chick-Fil-A which means I can work without driving far. I cant work at home I never get anything accomplished which is why I joined the gym. I think that soon I will need to go back especially since I want to lose 20 more pounds before Christmas. I missed my blog though and somehow all of you have stayed even though I randomly start posting. I am going to try and create a structure for my posts to keep you interested and work out on my two days off. If I set myself unrealistic expectations I will get overwhelmed and do none of it. (Example me and the gym.) It is only Tuesday so we can start over with the weekly updates and I have some awesome Bipolar Chronicles to add. I need to be inspired to write and I was in a bad place so I stopped thinking it would make me feel better……(IT DIDN’T WORK) I felt worse not letting it all out which made me feel even worse. So here we go again let’s talk about all my shenanigans. I missed you guys! Let’s hope for some consistency.

I got my own sock drawer

I’m writing this  after my daily 3 mile walk because it’s been on my mind and I think I’m finally ready to open up.

The first thing I want to say to small town America seeing this from my personal social media page. I AM NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. Have you met my husband? He is a saint!!

Anyway we are going to start with some amazing news. I got a good report from the psychiatrist which means everything is going good, my medicine no longer requires to be on lock down and I’ve lost 42.1 pounds.

The title of this blog is just as it says. Today after the gym I cleaned out my side of the closet with all the random things I’ve stuffed in the drawers over the years, old clothes I never wear and finally made room for my stuff. This seems like a normal thing right? It wasn’t for me. The last 6 years or so I forgot who I was and shared everything except shoes, jeans and a few shirts with my husband. (Yes I wore his boxers too.) I just started doing things for myself and I decided I wanted to separate and create my own space so I did….proudly. This is the time we are going to circle back to 6 years ago (it is mostly a cluster) back to now.

July 2013- My world as I know it would never be the same. It was when I was involuntarily hospitalized and diagnosed.

2014-2016- If you remember anything I talked about in previous post this was the self medicating stage. I became addicted to benzodiazepines, caffeine, diet pills. It was an endless cycle of overdoses and learning to talk my way out of going back to the hospital. I became my illness it was never that I had bipolar disorder and schizophrenia I am bipolar I let it define my life. I created my identity around every stereotype of what bipolar disorder was. I rapid cycled between depression and mania. I was self harming never sleeping and was in general a horrible person. If you want to know about my exorcism, snorting Valium off a bible or my brushes with death please refer to the 2015 I was a shitty person and that time I snorted Valium off a bible. (This is not click bait it actually happened.)

2017- My grandmother passed away in July of 2017. I can’t tell you a lot about 2017. I cut back on the benzodiazepines at the moment but never stopped taking them. My addiction to caffeine was worse than ever. I made the decision to stay with my mom at the hospital despite her telling me she was okay. I didn’t want to leave her by herself so I stayed and I wasn’t taking my regular meds popping more Xanax and drinking 3 or 4 16 and 20 ounce Redbulls. I slept in waiting rooms with my mom so I wasn’t sleeping well and all this mixture didn’t help anything. We had family come in town and all of it became a large cluster fuck. Cluster fuck is the best way I can describe it. Anyway right before she passed I got worse quickly. Again I want to reiterate no one made me do any of this and I pushed myself too far with everything. I tried to stay around when they brought her home and help my mom and aunt take care of her. I was there when she died and I even helped them clean her up before the coroner got there. These are all things I should’ve never done. I never thought seeing a dead body or watch someone take their last breath would fuck my head up as much as it did. There weren’t enough trigger warnings for that situation. I should’ve stopped pushing myself because I knew it was hurting me but I tried to fight through it to help my family but I only caused more issues. Anyway after she passed I got severely depressed. I was back up on benzodiazepines worst than before. At the end of September 2017 I overdosed on Xanax and Halicon chasing it with whiskey. The only good thing about Facebook groups is that I went live and they were able to contact my husband to come and get me. I got kicked out of the house and had to sober up while going to work and try to fix my marriage.

Fast forward to 2019- I’m sober now for 2 years from pills and Redbulls and almost a year from all caffeine. I don’t take diet pills anymore and I have a schedule. I don’t like structure but it is a must to keep me from spinning out of control. I’ve finally learned to say I have bipolar disorder and instead of I am bipolar. Bipolar is a condition it isn’t a person. It doesn’t define me anymore it is just an illness I live with and I’ve learned to manage. So I am finding myself again as a person with mental health issues. I am learning triggers and watching for them the ability to say no and step away from negative situations that can cause problems. I’ve found out how to finally function with this and it will never be perfect but I think after everything I can manage.

I used to obsess over collarbones

Trigger warning and rant:

If you can tell I’m being a little generic in the post because I don’t know the best way to tell it and I really don’t want to trigger anyone. This all happened in 2015 for those of you who read this and feel the need to run and tell my husband. I AM NOT USING UNHEALTHY HABITS NOW AND ALSO HE IS INVOLVED IN MY LIFE STYLE CHANGES! This is why I dreaded people who know me to read this. Why don’t you ask me instead of running to him. It is really a dick move.

ANYWAY:

I used to be obsessed with collar bones just collar bones. I don’t know why collar bones were so attractive to me but I wanted them to show so badly. I would look up exercises on Pinterest that “targeted” that area. I also looked up exercises for thigh gap but I wasn’t as into it as I was collar bones. I would press them everyday and flex around until I could see them even if it was just a little. I would go to all these forums where people recommended diet pills, exercises and other ways to make that area more predominate. I would press my skin down repeatedly thinking that if I kept pressing hard enough they would show through. The more I write the more I realize how severe my issues were.

I had 5 different diet pills to take and I would always exceed the amount it recommended and on top of that I was sucking down 3 or 4 16 and/or 20 ounce Redbulls a day (I stopped taking my meds convinced they were making me fat.) I had a lot of caffeine in my system then I only ate 400 to 500 calories a day, chew and spit but I could never make myself throw up. I also walked 3.5 to 4 miles everyday and did targeted exercises. I started in June 2015 and it peaked around October then my husband became involved and it kind of leveled out by November. My therapist at the time said that I could be classified as symptoms of an eating disorder. I lost over 40 pounds in that amount of time but it wasn’t enough for me.

After this I started Binging all the time. I could 3 big bags of M&Ms and 4 small pizzas. I could finish a large Pizza Hut pizza in a day. I am training myself to have better habits and trying to be careful not to cross over on either of those lines. The right way takes longer but is more rewarding for my efforts. I have a destructive side that wants to come out so badly but between medicine and help from my husband we are keeping them contained.

Chew and spit if you want to be lame

Trigger warning: This post contains dieting, unhealthy habits and references to eating disorders.

I almost started a bad habit I had a few years ago chew and spit. If you don’t know what chew and spit is that’s when you put food in your mouth usually that is on a binge and instead of swallowing it you spit. The purpose is to get the taste without the calories. I know there is debate about how much it actually works but I thought about it the other day and stopped myself before I actually did it. I am doing really well with keeping healthy habits while trying to lose weight instead of what I did in 2015.

In 2015 I would chew and spit, only eat 400 to 500 calories a day and make sure I worked it all out. I would take way too many diet pills with energy drinks. I was dropping weight like crazy but forming every bad habit possible. People will say because of my weight it would never be categorized as an ED.

Now I’m making sure I eat right and consume enough calories, drink water, no diet pills, no caffeine, no chew and spit. I don’t binge anymore and now I’m losing weight not as fast as I want but at least this time I’m doing it the right way.

Laxatives and Fiber

I am going to start off with if you have a weak stomach are triggered by laxatives or vomiting please be cautious.

I’ve had 0 bowel moments in 5 days so Monday I bought fiber supplements and laxatives. I tried to do this about 2 weeks ago with magnesium citrate but nothing happened. I’ve used magnesium citrate before and it dropped me to my knees and cleared me out but no luck. I decided to try laxatives this time. I took 4 Monday night hoping to have a little relief Tuesday morning and that isn’t what happened.

I woke up Tuesday with horrible cramps so I went to the bathroom and nothing was happening until it felt like my body exploded out of both ends. I had to vomit but getting off the toilet felt impossible so I leaned over and vomited in the tub. The sound of vomiting makes me vomit more. The light was off in the bathroom so when I turned it on what I saw blew my mind. It looked like I vomited shit. I have a picture of this my husband said it wasn’t but I still think it was. After this I chugged peptobismol and had after shock the rest of the day. I ended up losing weight because of it. I will never take laxatives again. Sorry this is a gross post.

April overview

April sucked. I tried but life happened in between.

Blog:

150 subscribers- YAY I did it!!

1100 views- nope

700 visitors- nope

2 Bipolar Chronicles- nope

3 post a week- nope

10 views a day= nope

125 likes- nope

Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends- nope

Instagram:

700 followers- nope

700 posts- nope

50 visits per week- nope

Blog post- nope

Rapid cycle sucks.

I worked today. It was work. On another note I didn’t want to ruin this weekend the way I ruined last weekend. I knew this and even though my day sucked I made the decision to try to make the day better. I got home hugged and kissed everyone and put on a happy face. We put on another face mask and watched a family movie and it was just a nice evening. The mask hurt to peel off hurt. I have a beautiful picture of a rainbow that I can’t wait to post. I want to put it on Instagram after I watermark it.

My moods are unstable and I am rapid cycling. I would rather lean towards manic because at least I have energy which sounds horrible I know. This seems to be an everlasting fucking mood issue. I am waiting for the up even though I know how unpredictable and crazy it can be.