There are conversations you don’t want to have with your child at any age and this is one of them. My daughter is 13 and she made a friend at school but this friends parents will not let her come over to our house and isn’t welcome at theirs because of my illness.
I know right now she is mad at me because of it and if I could change their mind I would but I can’t because they believe it is a sign of the devil and I’m extremely dangerous and unstable. If you are reading this just know I’m not and if for any reason I felt off I would never put my child or anyone else’s child in harms way. I am well aware of my illness and for the most part the signs something maybe happening are obvious not only to me but my daughter and husband as well. It would be easier for me to judge you and call you close minded but I won’t. You are entitled to your beliefs and it isn’t my place to tell you how or what you should believe. I do wish you would take a chance to get to know me and I hope one day you will. I hope one day you express your openness about these things to your children so they can come to you without fear of judgement. I believe in my heart that God never makes mistakes, he makes us in his image and I am who he wants me to be. I know that have followers who have different beliefs and this is in no way me trying to force my religion on someone else but if the parents are reading this I wanted to say that from Christian to Christian.
You have an extremely sweet and caring child from what I’ve heard and they are definitely the kind of people I want my daughter to surround herself with so please let’s use this a time to start a conversation about mental health and how we are no different from everyone else. I will try to explain this to my daughter again but this is her normal so she has a hard time understanding why other people don’t get it. So I wish you well and if you ever want to talk please let me know.
It was time for my 6 month checkup. I take great pride in knowing that I’m on 6 month visits that means I’m doing something right. This time I wasn’t as tense as normal though I know the conversations we were having are kind of hard. My psychiatrist and I have an agreement that I can be 100% honest with him and his first reaction is not to throw me in a hospital. It is because of this I feel like I can communicate openly with him. His office has this amazing nurse that takes my blood pressure and then asks me the general question how is everything going which means let it all out and I do we talk about moods and other issues that are going on. I feel very fortunate to be able to speak freely with them. We discussed my suicide ideation issues and mood swings that come along with the new job.
This is also when I was open about leaving my old job and even though I wanted to go to have something more stable and to get away from an environment that wasn’t always the healthiest for me. I allowed myself to become consumed by all the negative things/people around me it was my own fault but I couldn’t control myself and because of this it was toxic. I was enabled and was the enabler to too many people and if any of you are reading this now I am sorry. We also discussed the whole situation with my husband and he was a little disappointed when I didn’t call the office. (I call his office when ANYTHING happens including non psychological issues.) He had there was probably something temporary they could’ve done to ease it out but I think it needed to be hard and I needed someone to push me back and put me in my place. He understood that and we also discussed no matter mood swings happen it’s just how you cope with them.
I’m glad to be on the 6 month cycle after years of every month, every three months or in some cases every 3 weeks. (That was mostly during my addiction and constant overdosing.)
You’ve been begging for it so here is your 15 seconds of fame. I hope you enjoy it. There are three sides to every story. My side, your side and truth but since you feel the need to tell everyone your side here is mine but unlike you I have some class so I won’t use your name, gender or any other telling information. You keep telling on yourself and also people who’ve heard your side will read this and see some truths in the bullshit.
My situation has changed over the last year and now I’m more involved with the community but these same people tell everyone how I’m a horrible person and not to trust me. I don’t know how else to say this because I’ve tried to be polite about it but I’m not anymore. The only way I know how to do this is to bullet point. So let’s go:
• If I could make 2015 not exist I would but I can’t and it’s been 5 years so you need to let this shit go.
• When I wrote about what happened I named you person one. I did not even give you a fucking gender to hide your identity because I knew people from our town could read this. You were person one. If people figured out who you were I can’t do anything about it.
• I’m not silencing myself from what happened to protect your fucking ego. It happened to me and it was a life changing year for me.
• I lied during those 6 months. I don’t know how many more times you want me to say it. I’ve seen snippets of what happened and there are parts that are completely false. I know I lied to you. If I tried to tell the truth to you now I know you won’t believe me.
• I was an addict. That’s never an excuse to do what I did. My addiction screwed up so many relationships and ruined trust with other people. I never actually sobered up until 2017. It took me two additional years after everything that happened to sober up. My addiction wasn’t a lie it was the truth. My old job, my best friend both in and out of state but mostly my husband and daughter can confirm this.
• I’ve learned to handle the guilt that came with everything I did. The scars I’ve left on my daughter emotionally and mentally. All the times I drove high knowing that I could have killed an innocent person. Using people for attention including a chat room geared towards people with illnesses that made them vulnerable to the hell I put them through.
• You are basing my character on 6 months. You knew nothing about me before then we never spoke until everything happened. I just want you to know that addicts change when they sober up and had you ever bothered to get to know me you would know I am a completely different person than you make me out to be. I’m not this horrible monster that destroys lives. It is really sad that you can’t even be a decent person.
• You have Pinterest about me and it is hilarious. Did I show sociopath and narcissist traits? Absolutely I did but I feel like we need to keep referring to addiction and if you are “licensed counselor” you claimed to be you would know that. Addicts will do any and everything to get their way and what they want.
• I hurt your ego. You thought you were an expert but surprise you aren’t and you were never qualified to handle someone with my illness. You need to leave that to the experts. I showed you that you don’t know a quarter of what you say you do. I had to correct you on several different disorders because you were stating false and ignorant information. You have a problem with pride and you need to work on that.
• My psychiatrist and therapist didn’t like or trust you. They felt like you were using me to build yourself up to be something you weren’t and as someone who isn’t licensed or trained you were completely out of your element with me they said and I quote, “I am worried that person one will hurt the progress we’ve made and cause you to take steps backwards. They are more likely to hinder your treatment than help it.” end quote. They felt you were inexperienced and as my therapist stated, “Googling as you go to guess the next step.”
• You knew I was suicidal on several different occasions but didn’t alert anyone. You thought I was doing it for attention. (I have the screenshot.)
• If you were a real therapist you know that you aren’t suppose to share any of my information unless it put me or someone else in danger. (See previous reference.) If I was high and told you that you could tell a specific person you should’ve known not to anyway. You showed them very secretive things that I don’t share with people and then let them use it against me because you thought I was a horrible person. (Those are your words.)
• You deleted parts of our conversations to protect yourself. I know you did and you showed me where you did but you wanted to blame me for EVERYTHING and played the victim saying I was just using, manipulating and trying to control your life. Did I have fault in this absolutely but you never took any ownership that you did too. It was easier and safer to blame everything on me that way when someone particular found out you could dictate your own narrative. You played the victim so well you deserve an Oscar for your performance. I owned up to my shit multiple times but you’ve never owned up to any wrong doing during the situation.
• I NEVER told your personal stories to anyone. I felt like if it happened during a private session it was between us. You told me personal stories about your family and yourself but again I have class and some respect for you so I don’t and will never say anything. My business was spread so far I am better off posting it on Facebook. You’re lack of human decency and class is disappointing.
• You still won’t look at me or speak to me neither will others in your family. If you need to ask a question you ask my husband to ask me. Read that again to tell me how STUPID and CHILDISH that sounds. I know it was bad but come on we are adults and you are older than me. You have the audacity to call me names when you need to reflect on yourself and your family.
• Do not come at me after you read this. If you ask my husband if I will have a sit down conversation (you know since you are a little bitch and don’t have the balls to speak to me directly. Maybe that is a little harsh.) I am going to tell him to let you know to go fuck yourself. You’ve had 5 fucking years and have done nothing but drag my name I don’t owe you a minute of my time. I apologized for my part in what happened whether you accept it or not is up to you. If you wait until I speak publicly about this (again even though I have not once said who you are. NOT. ONE. FUCKING. TIME.) to address the only thing you are obviously concerned about is your reputation but it is trash anyway and that has nothing to do with me. You did that to yourself.
• On a funnier note I am not stalking you. I blocked your number, email, on all social media platforms and I’ve had zero contact with you since it happened. The only time I see you is in public but I don’t speak so I don’t know why you think I care what you are doing but I don’t just keep my name out of your mouth. That is all I need you to do and asked for.
I bet this didn’t go the way you thought it would. Enjoy these 15 seconds of fame I know you like to feel important even though you aren’t.
I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.
I’ve actively avoided him for as long as possible but they won’t refill my meds until I see him. This whole process is a chore in itself, getting the day off work, making sure my husband can pick up our daughter driving the 45+ minutes to get here and I dread it. This time I had to pay for a past balance before they would schedule the appointment only to walk in and here you still owe a balance. I lost my cool a little and feel bad for the girl behind the desk. I had paid the balance so they would give me a 30 day supply of medication. I had a balance because my amazing psychiatrist was out due to personal reasons and also COVID was on its first phase of shut downs so I had to talk to this asshole via zoom which sucked. He didn’t listen to a word I said he just kept pushing my meds and new meds because I needed a change. The feed kept freezing and he wouldn’t shut up long enough for me to talk every time he asked me a question it was like “How are you feeling?” “I am feeling….” “You need something besides Lamictal…” How in the world would you know that after you barely asked me a question and didn’t let me respond. I called back and told them that I would rather go without meds than talk to that jackass ever again. I think we were prepared for the conversation though. I don’t know if they heard me fuss at him or he complained about me but alas it is that time again. I am glad I was given the option to go in the office. I know that with just a few hiccups I’ve been okay but it is always an uneasy feeling… Here goes nothing
As I sit here writing this my car is currently on jacks the hood, trunk, and drivers side door wide open my gas tank on the shop floor if only it were my fuel pump but it isn’t and as I watch them my heart is breaking.
It isn’t just a car to me. I can tell you where every ding, scratch, and the stain is from, my salt life sticker I picked out when we were in Pensacola after a trip to Orange Beach Alabama even though we don’t live anywhere near a beach. My initials crooked on the back glass, my beads are from the AFSP walk along with a discolored brown and pink polka dot ribbon I bought for my daughter but that it looked better on my mirror. I remember driving my husband’s old beat up green S-10 with no insulation and holes in the floor board. The seat was nothing more than pieces of wood and I had to sit all the way forward just to drive it. The gas hand didn’t work so you had to guess when it needed gas and a “security” switch (it had to be hard wired because of a problem with the ignition switch.) but it got me to work and home amazingly with minimal problems. I’ll never forget the day I went to the car dealership and drove my car for the first time. I fell in love and I had to have it.
I remember going to Jacksonville Florida just a week after we bought it. I had Sirius radio for free and drove all night drinking red bull and berry smoothies from McDonald’s we fell asleep in the beach and got so sunburned. This car drove all the way to Naples, Florida and back which is a 9 hour drive. We took it on all the family vacations but it was there for me. It was there for me when I needed to scream at the steering wheel when I had a bad day, it took me to the drs appointment and later to and from the psych hospital. I drove it when I was high, manic and severely depressed. It took me to my spot on the lake where I sat on the same concrete making my suicide videos. It survived all the times I drove high especially the few times I ran off the road, all the times I almost rear ended someone trying to find the perfect song on my phone. It survived every move, angry fight when I sped off or took my computer hid in my car crying.
Godspeed Jolene you were an emotional attachment I wasn’t ready to let you go yet especially with the new job but know that you will always have a place in my heart. I have emotional attachment issues so this one hit me hard.
Every year thousands of people gather in Piedmont Park to celebrate recovery, lives, struggles and sharing their story. When you walk around you see shirts of people that passed away only a few weeks prior from all different ages, genders, ethnicity, sexual orientation suicide doesn’t discriminate. Pay attention to the warning signs and if someone says they aren’t okay get them help listen to them. If you aren’t okay please ask for help. 800-273-8255 the suicide hotline. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide.
This year like every year is being thankful that I survived after so many attempts that I am still here but I look at the families who have people who didn’t survive you feel a little guilt. You see them suffering and think that this should be your family and why did you survive when I tried so many times without any severe side effects while these people are mourning the loss of someone who probably did the same thing as me. I figured while I am here I need to use my recovery for good and to help people that are in the situations I faced to help them through. This is why I blog hopefully I am helping someone who is struggling right now. YOU CAN DO THIS even when it feels impossible even when you are laying on the floor fighting that fucking bottle of pills you can do it. It feels impossible but dammit you can make it through this. Call the hotline please.
I’m back……AGAIN!!!!!!! DID YOU MISS ME? I can only be overly obsessed with one thing at a time and now I’m trying to be obsessed over two things my blog and losing weight. I’ve lost 50 pounds since July. I have a lot of little things going on behind the scenes Ive actually been extremely busy and working out has consumed me but like most things I obsess about I am tired of the gym at the moment. So now I am sitting in our newly open Chick-Fil-A which means I can work without driving far. I cant work at home I never get anything accomplished which is why I joined the gym. I think that soon I will need to go back especially since I want to lose 20 more pounds before Christmas. I missed my blog though and somehow all of you have stayed even though I randomly start posting. I am going to try and create a structure for my posts to keep you interested and work out on my two days off. If I set myself unrealistic expectations I will get overwhelmed and do none of it. (Example me and the gym.) It is only Tuesday so we can start over with the weekly updates and I have some awesome Bipolar Chronicles to add. I need to be inspired to write and I was in a bad place so I stopped thinking it would make me feel better……(IT DIDN’T WORK) I felt worse not letting it all out which made me feel even worse. So here we go again let’s talk about all my shenanigans. I missed you guys! Let’s hope for some consistency.
If you can tell I’m being a little generic in the post because I don’t know the best way to tell it and I really don’t want to trigger anyone. This all happened in 2015 for those of you who read this and feel the need to run and tell my husband. I AM NOT USING UNHEALTHY HABITS NOW AND ALSO HE IS INVOLVED IN MY LIFE STYLE CHANGES! This is why I dreaded people who know me to read this. Why don’t you ask me instead of running to him. It is really a dick move.
I used to be obsessed with collar bones just collar bones. I don’t know why collar bones were so attractive to me but I wanted them to show so badly. I would look up exercises on Pinterest that “targeted” that area. I also looked up exercises for thigh gap but I wasn’t as into it as I was collar bones. I would press them everyday and flex around until I could see them even if it was just a little. I would go to all these forums where people recommended diet pills, exercises and other ways to make that area more predominate. I would press my skin down repeatedly thinking that if I kept pressing hard enough they would show through. The more I write the more I realize how severe my issues were.
I had 5 different diet pills to take and I would always exceed the amount it recommended and on top of that I was sucking down 3 or 4 16 and/or 20 ounce Redbulls a day (I stopped taking my meds convinced they were making me fat.) I had a lot of caffeine in my system then I only ate 400 to 500 calories a day, chew and spit but I could never make myself throw up. I also walked 3.5 to 4 miles everyday and did targeted exercises. I started in June 2015 and it peaked around October then my husband became involved and it kind of leveled out by November. My therapist at the time said that I could be classified as symptoms of an eating disorder. I lost over 40 pounds in that amount of time but it wasn’t enough for me.
After this I started Binging all the time. I could 3 big bags of M&Ms and 4 small pizzas. I could finish a large Pizza Hut pizza in a day. I am training myself to have better habits and trying to be careful not to cross over on either of those lines. The right way takes longer but is more rewarding for my efforts. I have a destructive side that wants to come out so badly but between medicine and help from my husband we are keeping them contained.
Trigger warning: This post contains dieting, unhealthy habits and references to eating disorders.
I almost started a bad habit I had a few years ago chew and spit. If you don’t know what chew and spit is that’s when you put food in your mouth usually that is on a binge and instead of swallowing it you spit. The purpose is to get the taste without the calories. I know there is debate about how much it actually works but I thought about it the other day and stopped myself before I actually did it. I am doing really well with keeping healthy habits while trying to lose weight instead of what I did in 2015.
In 2015 I would chew and spit, only eat 400 to 500 calories a day and make sure I worked it all out. I would take way too many diet pills with energy drinks. I was dropping weight like crazy but forming every bad habit possible. People will say because of my weight it would never be categorized as an ED.
Now I’m making sure I eat right and consume enough calories, drink water, no diet pills, no caffeine, no chew and spit. I don’t binge anymore and now I’m losing weight not as fast as I want but at least this time I’m doing it the right way.