Tag: writers block

🖤Day 28 🖤 Last time I cried

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The last time I cried…… I try not to cry often mostly because I am an ugly crier and when I say ugly crier I mean it could be a Halloween costume. I don’t cry in front of people because I am weird about crying. It seems like an intimate version of yourself that shouldn’t be publicized with strangers. I don’t know if it is because of everything I’ve dealt with or because I’m just genuinely weird about these things. Please note I will not make you cringe by saying things like, “I don’t cry because it makes you weak, I am too strong to cry, I have no feelings, I’ve dealt with too much in my life to cry….” You get what I mean. I don’t believe any of that shit those are just things you tell yourself to justify your feelings because you are a little bitch who won’t man up and deal with your shit…. yeah that is the pot calling the kettle black but I don’t avoid crying for those reasons. I think it is okay to cry sometimes we need to cry it’s like releasing a valve in our body so it doesn’t overheat and kill you. I don’t want anyone to snap because I’ve snapped before and it wasn’t healthy at all. I’ve tried to learn through all of my years of therapy healthier ways to handle my shit, but I guess I didn’t pay attention because pills became my best friend. I am working on it though, writing to you guys always helps a great deal.

Now the last time I cried, it was in my sleep it is usually in my sleep because I have fucked up dreams that scare the shit out of me almost all the time. I wake up crying and that is always fun to do. The sad part is I can’t always remember why I am crying the good part is no one sees me ugly cry. The last time I actually cried for something other than my fucked up dreams was around my birthday when I was dealing with my mood shit and my husband had stuff to do that day and we were going to celebrate a little and then do something that weekend but I was dealing with mood shit and completely exaggerated the situation. (If you are reading this then I am in no way saying you were right.) I kept crying and I have no idea why probably because I just needed to cry, but I can’t always just cry because I need to I need to have a reason so I can’t always blame it on my illness. My illness isn’t as special as it thinks it is. I struggle with this version of myself a lot. I wish I could make heads or tails of it but I get confused most times. My illness is a bitch.

This is me after crying. I have a picture of me while crying but sometimes you don’t need to see something scary. Why did I take a picture of me after I cried because randomly decide to make myself cringe with stupid things such as this.

🖤Perks of being Bipolar 🖤

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As I am writing this I’m standing in an open field under gray skies small pellets of water coating my arms. The smell of fair food, musty cologne fill the air, country music blaring through blown out speakers; my daughter is currently 10 ft in the air being thrusted into circles on swings. I bet you are wondering what the hell being at a fair as to do with the perks of being bipolar and how am I tending to my daughter at the same time. Bipolar perks people. If you weren’t aware your mental illness comes with perks other people don’t possess. I don’t know the exact medical terms for these but you will get my point.

🖤 Hyper-focus- the ability to hyper focus when used correctly can produce amazing results. I’ve abused my hyper focus when I was manic or self destructive behavior but over the last year or so I’ve learned to make it useful. It is almost becoming a super power. Is it still destructive? Absolutely! I am trying to keep it as a positive trait though. Think of the population who spends millions of dollars on herbal remedies and over the counter medicine to try and give them the ability you naturally have. We of course take medicine to control it but how amazing for us.

🖤 Disturbed cognitive functioning- Neil Hilborn (yes I named dropped because his slam poem The Future is incredible.) he touches on this saying They keep telling me seeing things that aren’t technically there is called “disturbed cognitive functioning.” I call it “having a superpower.” Once, I pulled over on the 110 freeway and jumped out of my old Jeep because I saw it burst into flames twenty seconds before it actually burst into flames.

🖤 (Idk the technical term for this) self awareness- A perk of having issues with paranoia is you are always self aware. I can walk into a room or a crowd and in less than a minute I’ve evaluated the entire situation. I can tell you who is standing around me without even looking up. My daughter is in line for a ride and I’ve already analyzed the line she’s in determined where an issue may be; the creepy ass guy to the right of me checking out teenage girls that I keep check on. People in the CIA and FBI are trained to have this ability and we naturally have it. Does my paranoia cause me problems? Of course, but when it comes to my daughter my heightened sense of awareness and paranoia comes in handy. The lights and music everywhere can overwhelm my senses but that’s when hyper focus comes to the rescue.

🖤 Creativity- This is a given. A fucked up wiring makes us see the beauty in things that other people aren’t able to enjoy

🖤 Energy- Always a positive and a negative but mostly negatives because high energy usually leads to mania.

🖤 Strength- we majority of the time can handle our shit and it takes courage to keep going. It’s a blessing and a curse to have this gift.

🖤 20 fun facts about the bipolar outcast 🖤 DAY 2

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🖤 I love deli meat more specifically Italian deli meat. I eat it straight out of the bag no bread needed.

🖤 I can watch every episode of Family Guy and The Simpsons repeatedly

🖤 I have a partial dentures (Blog topic)

🖤 People call me a human phone book (I memorize numbers easily)

🖤 I’ve had over 10 jobs most were big box retailers and a bank

🖤 I look like a large mouth bass when I sleep

🖤 I snore so loudly I can shake walls

🖤 I wipe my drink cans twice before I open it and still don’t open it completely

🖤 I don’t reheat leftovers

🖤 My best friend (who has a diagnosis like me) lives over 600 miles away and we’ve never met before. She saved my life and I call her Tater. ( don’t know where it came from.)

🖤 I am a Christian. My husband is a deacon at our church. We are extremely progressive in our beliefs.

🖤I have 8 tattoos and have sketched out the rest (blog post)

🖤 My moods have names.

🖤 I love to walk but not at the gym because I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel

🖤 My dr is currently in the process to try and stop my dreaming (my request)

🖤 My previous doctor threatened me many times with ECT.

🖤 My dream vacation is going to New York.

🖤 I don’t like politics AT ALL! My husband loves it so I take short naps in the middle of conversations.

🖤 I’ve gone more than 4.5 days without sleep

🖤 Amazon is my best friend

That was hard to do!

My writing process looks like this….

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I need someone to come and make sense of my pile. The book is actually a trilogy (I don’t know if I would actually call it a trilogy?) I have some written and some a share drive all the parts are there I need it to be put together. Is there anyone who has any help or suggestions on what to do? I’m still terrified to show anyone my book. I get writers block very easily so it is hard to write sometimes.

I’ve always dreamed of being a writer, the first book I ever wrote and still have is a fan fiction of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn (I saw the Disney version and to this day can still repeat most of the lines.), I started and never finished my fan fiction of Fried Green Tomatoes and at just 12 years old decided I wanted to look like Idgie and made my mom take me shopping to buy clothes just like hers (I’ve burned most of the evidence). My life growing up wasn’t great, so I used these books and movies as an escape from the world around me. I think all of it prepared me for the book I am currently writing. This book (which is 6 years and counting) was and still is my escape from everything also my form of therapy. I’ve been through a lot and there are certain parts of my life I am not ready to talk about yet, as it pertains to me but for Lauren it can all happen to her.

I’m reaching for help and guidance!