I fucked up the other day and ruined my daughters day. I was so angry and it wasn’t at her but I took it out on her. I may not have criticized her, but I hurt her only because she was trying to help. It still bothers me even though I know I can’t changed what happened the fact that it got to that point again kills me.
Now it is the next day and I pick her up from school and make sure she sits in the front seat with me and I listen to her tell me all about her day at school. I could tell she was unsure of what to say or what kind of mood I would be in and while that hurt too, I understood. She is chirping away beside me laughing at her own jokes and smiling. I look at her for a moment and realize that we raising a good person and for as fucked up as I am and as much as my husband does our daughter isn’t only beautiful on the outside she has an amazing soul and that to me is more important.
We pull up to Dollar General (it is the only store we have in our town.) and I write the PIN number to my debit card and tell her that I owed her a snack from yesterday (we always go on the day I get paid and get a snack) and again for today. I sit in the car waiting and the longer I sit I rethink the here is my debit card idea. She finally comes out and spent $3.24. She bought a Fruitshooter (it is just liquid sugar), a can of Pringles, and a kit kat. I looked at her and said, “You could’ve had anything you wanted. Do you want to go back and get something else?” She looked at me seriously and said, “No mama I just want you to smile.” That hurts worse then any other pain imaginable. It is amazing how resilient children are. They are so forgiving and understanding. I think as adults we lose that somewhere along the way. So even though I didn’t feel like it I smiled for her. I wanted her to be happy and think that mama was okay even though I wasn’t.
My meltdown and anger cost 3.24 and a smile. I know all of them won’t be that easy and over time this process will prove to be more difficult and the damage may last longer, but for right now I will cherish these moments and try my best to not put her through this again.