You can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel. Johnny Depp

This is my life. I don’t want to feel anything right now. I’ve had a rough day and I want to shut everything out of my mind especially the bad feelings and the want to numb the pain I am in. It is so hard to deal with this shit today. I am finished for the night.


Bird Box warning if you suffer with mental health.

If you haven’t seen Bird Box I won’t ruin it for you I will just list the following triggers to make sure you want to watch it.

  • Suicidal thoughts or ideation
  • Disturbed cognitive functioning (if you don’t know what it is don’t look it up it will only add to your paranoia.
  • Easily triggered by things like The Purge, The Walking Dead or other apocalyptic television/movie.
  • If you are easily triggered by blood or gore.

I feel like I’m talking about warning labels to medication not a movie. I do have some concern and was a little annoyed with the fact that the “mentally ill” weren’t bothered by any of it. I just want to let you know that I am paranoid about a lot of things and the end of the world is a big part of it and that is why I can’t watch Walking Dead it fucks with my head. This movie kind of the same aspect except on a semi more realistic ideals. I usually inform most people that we are more of a danger to ourselves than other people majority of the time. Yep it was short and sweet but I just wanted to really warn people from the fucked it dreams I’ll have tonight.

Gratitude Journal

In this uncertain and usually pessimistic outlook with my illness I realized I needed to start finding positive things that can combat the bad and we enter the gratitude journal. I am not one of those overly optimistic people who find great knowledge and wealth in every inspo quote out there. I do search through all of them to find one that matches me and how I feel that day. I need to start finding more positive ways to help myself since I refuse to see a therapist. I like to find reasons I am thankful and every reason to be happy I am still here, sober and I have found a purpose in my life. I was never meant to be just a 9-5 person I was meant for extraordinary things. So hopefully this journal will be a window into a different world I never knew existed. I am also going to talk about each quote I post everyday. (It will not be like a challenge I promise.

Here we go…..

Nations first supervised site for safe drug injection- An opinion and forum

When I was scrolling through Facebook I saw a post of memorable moments from 2018 and this picture appeared.

This photo spoke to me for so many reasons. You can see the pain and truth behind the addiction, but you also wonder about the addict. I want to know if these people know they are being photographed in these moments do we help them or leave them in this state because it is better for a few dollars. Ok now that I’ve expressed those feelings let us explore the other part of this the bigger part of this. They want to set up medically supervised drug injection sites to combat the opioid epidemic. I read an article from NPR (I don’t always find it as a credible source but for this purpose I will use it.) These places will provide clean supplies, a safe place without fear or shame and is equipped with staff to help. Are we encouraging drug use because it is safe now? Is this going to help the opioid epidemic around the country? Isn’t this just going to piss off dealers when the government takes their business? Are addicts going to use this without worrying about being tracked by the government? These clinics do exist in Europe, Canada and Australia. It says that they bring their own drugs (I guess the dealers pockets stay lined.) The staff are also equipped to handle overdoses.

Canada’s studies report that it has supervised over 3.6 MILLION INJECTIONS and responded to 6,000 overdoses and no one has died….yet…. Well there is no negative sides of the site there is no proof that it is helping anything. I just think this is another way for the government to tax and control an epidemic just to make extra money. They take advantage of the weaknesses to make a few extra dollars. What do you think about this? Are we exploiting the worst in people for extra money? What if we offer safe clinics to help people with mental health issues?

You are braver than you believe stronger than you seem and smarter than you think and loved more than you know.

I needed this today and I hoped it help someone else. It’s so hard to deal with life and all the shit going on around me and I can control it and it is killing me and I keep feeling that I am letting everyone down no matter how hard I try and when I try to tell people they act like I am asking for attention but I’m not I am asking for someone to listen to me and understand that I am not okay and I want you to listen because you want to not because you have to.

Weekly Update 14


  • The holidays took up majority of my time so the blog is neglected.
  • I’ve kept instagram up to date so check it out.
  • I’ve started a gratitude journal. (Don’t worry it is coming)
  • I’ve now decided to make a post about every inspiration quote I find for each day of my gratitude journal. Which means I may back date some post, but don’t worry it will not end up like those damn challenges.
  • I really need to finish the bipolar Chronicles that are almost finished but I am lazy so yeah they are still in the draft phase.
  • Starting January 1st I will weekly post (maybe) keep up with the fact that I really need to lose weight. I’ve almost come up with a workout routine.
  • I am still on no sodas which has helped so much with my sleep and moods. I miss them sometimes but other times I remember how I couldn’t control myself and almost drank an entire 12 pack in less than 24 hours.
  • I am currently not exercising.
  • I finally caught up on sleep after my work schedule messed up my moods and sleep schedule. When I am off my routine chaos is always close by.
  • I hope everyone had a safe and happy holidays.
  • I plan to actually finish these and have enough to release on their own. This is a goal for next year.
  • I will post my BIG PLANS for next week on the last weekly update of 2018.

If it doesn’t challenge you it won’t change you

Everything is a challenge for me. My illness is a challenge and it has done a lot to change me but recently everything that I hold resent has changed me and I don’t know what to do. I am faced with all of these challenges but I can’t figure out how to make the best better. I sometimes like the challenge because it makes me feel like I am almost human that I could possibly function like other people then I am reminded I am not like other people. I have a curse/gift (depends on the day.) that will forever make me different from everyone else. I don’t always like to be reminded of it. I really hope I make something out of this next year. Cheers to hope and wishes.

Remember Why You Started

It started with the AFSP Out of the Darkness walk telling my story, being a year clean, and raising money and awareness for the walk this year. I had an “open mic night” to raise awareness and I told my story and read two pieces that were based off my life. The room was silent when I finished they saw the post I shared about bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and suicide but they never knew how much I was suffering. After that night I learned that people understood it more coming from me and what I was going through. I made up my mind to open up about it and on 9/12/18 I started a blog on WordPress paid a little money and now I have a blog. I also decided I wanted an Instagram and I started posting learning that I could hashtag and get more views. I am still trying to find the sweet spot, but I am doing this to tell my story also to be more comfortable for my book to be released even on the more difficult day my blog gives me inspiration I need.

Shoot for the moon even if you miss you will land among the stars.

I needed something uplifting after the day I had. I am so stressed out with everything happening around me. I haven’t had a chance to update everything the way I wanted to. I need a vacation from everything. I am trying to figure out how to manage everything and be there for people emotionally, mentally and physically but it is so hard. I can only be a good support system for so long before I collapse and need you more than you needed me. I am trying to do better drinking more water but it isn’t helping at all. I need guidance over this next year on exactly what I should do. I feel like I am lost completely.