The worst feeling in the world is trying to hold back a panic attack in public.

Today I woke up shaking and my chest started hurting and I know what that means PANIC ATTACK symptoms. Those are fucking awesome and exactly what I need to happen while I’m at work. I keep trying mindful meditation but it isn’t working. I have more time to be here and I need to focus but I can’t and I know when I get home that means a date with the bathtub to calm down. I’ve listened to Mac Miller’s Swimming cd on replay as much as I could today. That usually helps everything out and drinking OJ. I find comfort in these small things to try and make my day better. I wish I could explain to people how it feels when I am stuck in such a horrible place and I don’t know how to get out or ask for help. I know this feeling may go away temporarily but it will be back.

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Should I sleep or should I shower? I could sleep in the shower but I’m starving

Have you ever been so tired that you don’t know what to do first? I’ve felt that way all day today. I was so exhausted when I got home I plopped on the couch and posted my  “I’m still alive” on Instagram and then drifted in and out. I floated in and out of sleep for 30 minutes on the couch before going to bed. On nights like tonight my medicine enhances my already overwhelming urge to sleep but I did fall asleep on Wayne which is my favorite thing to do.

This morning The Wells Fargo app stopped working and sent me into a huge panic after having your information stolen before moments like that will make your heart stop. I am emotionally drained but what else is new. I just want to sleep the rest of the day away.

I’m really getting sick of this shit.

Life as a writer is difficult and feels impossible.

Dammit dammit dammit. I can’t write the ending. I just can’t I’m not ready yet. I don’t want to force it so I will go work on the part that is currently in the editing stage. I plan on publishing the first of 4ish series. I have an author genius (that is what I call him.) helping me edit. It’s time after 7 years to let it go. I’ve learned that people actually enjoy what I write (assumptions) I have followers and subscribers so I’m doing something right. Check out my blog bipolaroutcasts.com I am dropping a sneak peek of my book at 5 pm est. I want feedback!! I will post again once it is out!

Healthy productivity or manic swing

Today I was so productive it is amazing how much I can get done if I just focus on my tasks at hands I knocked out 15 blog entries and a lot on my Instagram. Today my dreams felt like they are coming more naturally and I’m getting ready for big things that are possibly coming soon. I am making such a huge difference in my life and it is the positive outlook I need to make myself feel a little better. I need to find these small miracles amongst everything that is going on to make me feel better.

Overview of goals accomplished in January. (Blog and Instagram)

Blog:

20 views a day- I was close but I stopped posting for awhile so it didn’t quite make it. I tried and got good numbers though.

Post two times a week– Didn’t happen but I did post a good bit

Document workout/diet- let’s skip this

Post at least 6 Bipolar Chronicles- I posted 5!! Go me!!!

80 subscribers- 105!!!!!

Total views for the month 2000- 1609 (I almost made it)

Total visitors 1500– 1180 not too bad

Instagram:

600 followers- complete

300 + visits per week– shadowbanned because Instagram wants to be an asshole

525 post– complete

Post @ least 3 times daily- close but I did post a lot

Blog post added- complete

Personal interest- complete

Funny/true things- complete

Workout journey- lets skip this

I will post February goals soon!!! I am so proud of myself

Yeah, Netflix would stop asking if I was still watching that’d be great

Today was a day of me not accomplishing any blogs but binge watching television with Wayne. We did have some good conversation when our WiFi died for a little while. I love those conversations with him. We were watching Last Man Standing and that gave me an idea. I want us to go away to a cabin for a weekend and use no electronics. I feel like this maybe an impossible task because I love taking pictures to help with my memory and if I didn’t have a way to document it my head may explode. I waited too long for my check to finally be deposited. I had bills I didn’t want to pay. I need to get work done because the only way I will make any progress is to be consistent which is something I’m not good at. I am working on my book though which makes me happy.

Moods, dreams, the man sucks and I am trying to make improvements

Here’s something about me

I watched a movie about an awkward woman and I felt the need to share something because I am annoyed about many things at the moment.

– My teeth are probably cracking with the amount of peppermint I eat.

– I can’t keep peppermint on my side of the bed when I sleep because I eat it and I’m scared one day I will choke on it. I have a shirt that has peppermint drool stuck to it. (It is grosser than it sounds I promise.)

– I have an over abundance of lemonade cans on my side of the bed because I drink them in the middle of the night. It keeps me from getting up more than I have to.

– I drink so much lemonade I probably piss it out on a regular basis. I drink lemonade to avoid soft drinks.

– I haven’t worked on my blog but I did spend almost 45 minutes trying to learn how to French braid my hair but I got pissed off and quit.

– I am working on my book but not the part that I want to publish by the end of this year one of the follow ups because it helps me solve my problems.

– My mood swings suck a dick and currently are my reasons as to why I haven’t caught up on my blog.

So this is why I haven’t been around. I can write these but I can’t write an update or a blog post about what’s going on these last few days. I will try and get it done tomorrow. 🖤