Somewhere between 2Pac and Valerie Carter, drenched in sweat at a 7.5 incline with 2.8 speed my brain and I had a come to Jesus meeting. I’ve struggled the last couple of weeks last week being the worst with my depression. I’ve also hid it the best that I could and if you’ve dealt with mental health issues for as long as I have you know how to turn your illness into a “migraine” “stomach virus” or any other physical illness because saying, “I’m depressed.” Comes with so many questions you just don’t want to answer because for some reason you just can’t be depressed without a reason. I never understood why that is I think it’s just a stigma people don’t realize. (That’s another topic.)
I said things to myself that if anyone who didn’t struggle with this said to me it would piss me off. “You’ve dealt with worse. You’ve got to suck it up we’ve done so well with avoiding melt downs. I know right now working out feels like torture but you have to just sitting around the house makes it worse. Last week sucked but this week we are going to do better. We are going to shower more than once, brush our hair and teeth every day. Get out of bed on time put on makeup because we always feel better when we do. I know you hate it but you might have to force that smile. You around people who aren’t use to you and don’t know what you are going through maybe if they did they would treat you better but I doubt it. You are a badass who went through a complete breakdown, overdose got kicked out of the house, detoxed and never missed a day of work even if you were late. I know you can do it you just have to focus. It’s hard to focus but I need you to try. You have stereotyped yourself so much you want to punch yourself in the face but I know what you are capable of and I know what you’ve been through this isn’t something you need to worry anyone else with because you can do this. I love your crazy ass and the fact that I can say that now is a huge improvement. Just fight it okay.” That sums up the conversation I had with myself. I left out some of the swears and other personal details but I have learned to love myself some and I think that makes times like these easier.
Who isn’t scared of the Coronavirus because you survived so many overdoses and with all the medication you’ve taken, stuff you snorted, manic episodes and all the other reckless ways you’ve lived your life that you should suffer some permanent damage but Gods got a good sense of humor spared you and survived you have this fuck it attitude. If I can take so many benzodiazepines I should’ve died at least 15 times if not more survived withdrawals while working, managed manic episodes without being hospitalized and managed to keep a sliver of sanity. So I’m not worried about the Coronavirus. If I’ve survived life this far a virus isn’t going to scare me.
For everyone who is suffering from or died because of the virus my heart goes out to you.
What dumbass thinks going back to an environment that was toxic and caused unbearable stress is a good idea because you miss it and you can’t just be normal because you aren’t normal and you are having mental health issues without it but will probably have more with it but it was the only thing you had to cling onto when it got bad even though it just made everything worse and enabled bad habits but again you are a dumbass who doesn’t think decisions through and that’s why you have 7 tattoos some of which you regret because you were manic and thought it was a good idea but now can’t wear regular clothes because of them. It’s me…..I am that dumbass…..
I broke in my new coworkers in the other day. I had an anxiety attack at work and it was so embarrassing and awkward. I didn’t sleep good last night because of storms and I got paranoid about pine trees and tried to move my husbands truck and got it stuck in the mud so then I was so paranoid he would be mad I couldn’t sleep. So my anxiety was already up and then I made a mistake and I freaked out thinking I would get fired and I ended up holding on to a wall for dear life hyperventilating and crying. They don’t know about my anxiety so they were completely lost on what was going on or what to do. They know I have anxiety issues now. Surprise I come with quirks you find out about later. We figured it out and they didn’t care too much about it. I think they were worried I would freak out again. I don’t think people realize how fucking embarrassing it is to have an anxiety/panic attack in front of strangers in public.
Again I don’t believe in click bait so this isn’t about my husband or one particular person it’s about my job I recently left.
I was there for 10 YEARS! I loved it even on the bad days. I said I would never leave unless one of their ads didn’t give me goosebumps and it still does. I left with a pay cut but better hours and a better quality of life for me. I needed set hours, days off and to actually have holidays off. I realized when I left it would be a bit of a cultural shock but I underestimated how much of shock it was. It caused a mood swing that I was terrified of because they don’t know at my new job about my quirks (illness) they aren’t as open as my old job. My husband knew what was going on but for the first time in years I had to push it down because there is no one here for me to talk to. I’m not used to that either. At my old job I’d worked with most of them for years. (There wasn’t a high turn over right.) My supervisor and director were the same the entire time I was there. We were this highly screwed up dysfunctional family but the second someone needed something everyone would drop what they were doing for you. I could always talk to anyone about my moods including my director and supervisor and got full support. when I was diagnosed I went through a hard time, when I was too depressed to come to work, too manic to stay, the medication adjustments, the mood swings, the random episodes of panic attacks and break downs. All the overdoses. My bosses are more understanding than I could ever ask for and even though sometimes I don’t always act like I appreciate everything you do and how understanding you always are. I grew up in the 10 years I was there. Thank you for 10 wonderful years. You taught me how to be an adult, professional and no matterwhathow to give outstanding customer service. I’m prepared for everything because of you. I’ve tried to not run back even though I really want to there was a reason this worked outthe way it did. I miss it everyday and Ihope over time the pain lessens a little. I think of them every time something funny or crazy happens only to realize none of you here now.
I’m sure our paths will cross again and always “It’s my pleasure.” 😘
Where have I been? Who the hell knows at this point. I need to update everyone I just don’t know what to say right now. I’m working on limited meds until I get insurance at my new job and I dealt with a sudden low that I thought would get worse but luckily I made it through okay. I also had an anxiety attack at my new job after only being there for 4 days! Thanks mental health. I tried to keep you under wraps but you like to make your presence known you sick son of a bitch.
Every year thousands of people gather in Piedmont Park to celebrate recovery, lives, struggles and sharing their story. When you walk around you see shirts of people that passed away only a few weeks prior from all different ages, genders, ethnicity, sexual orientation suicide doesn’t discriminate. Pay attention to the warning signs and if someone says they aren’t okay get them help listen to them. If you aren’t okay please ask for help. 800-273-8255 the suicide hotline. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide.
This year like every year is being thankful that I survived after so many attempts that I am still here but I look at the families who have people who didn’t survive you feel a little guilt. You see them suffering and think that this should be your family and why did you survive when I tried so many times without any severe side effects while these people are mourning the loss of someone who probably did the same thing as me. I figured while I am here I need to use my recovery for good and to help people that are in the situations I faced to help them through. This is why I blog hopefully I am helping someone who is struggling right now. YOU CAN DO THIS even when it feels impossible even when you are laying on the floor fighting that fucking bottle of pills you can do it. It feels impossible but dammit you can make it through this. Call the hotline please.
I’m back……AGAIN!!!!!!! DID YOU MISS ME? I can only be overly obsessed with one thing at a time and now I’m trying to be obsessed over two things my blog and losing weight. I’ve lost 50 pounds since July. I have a lot of little things going on behind the scenes Ive actually been extremely busy and working out has consumed me but like most things I obsess about I am tired of the gym at the moment. So now I am sitting in our newly open Chick-Fil-A which means I can work without driving far. I cant work at home I never get anything accomplished which is why I joined the gym. I think that soon I will need to go back especially since I want to lose 20 more pounds before Christmas. I missed my blog though and somehow all of you have stayed even though I randomly start posting. I am going to try and create a structure for my posts to keep you interested and work out on my two days off. If I set myself unrealistic expectations I will get overwhelmed and do none of it. (Example me and the gym.) It is only Tuesday so we can start over with the weekly updates and I have some awesome Bipolar Chronicles to add. I need to be inspired to write and I was in a bad place so I stopped thinking it would make me feel better……(IT DIDN’T WORK) I felt worse not letting it all out which made me feel even worse. So here we go again let’s talk about all my shenanigans. I missed you guys! Let’s hope for some consistency.
If you can tell I’m being a little generic in the post because I don’t know the best way to tell it and I really don’t want to trigger anyone. This all happened in 2015 for those of you who read this and feel the need to run and tell my husband. I AM NOT USING UNHEALTHY HABITS NOW AND ALSO HE IS INVOLVED IN MY LIFE STYLE CHANGES! This is why I dreaded people who know me to read this. Why don’t you ask me instead of running to him. It is really a dick move.
I used to be obsessed with collar bones just collar bones. I don’t know why collar bones were so attractive to me but I wanted them to show so badly. I would look up exercises on Pinterest that “targeted” that area. I also looked up exercises for thigh gap but I wasn’t as into it as I was collar bones. I would press them everyday and flex around until I could see them even if it was just a little. I would go to all these forums where people recommended diet pills, exercises and other ways to make that area more predominate. I would press my skin down repeatedly thinking that if I kept pressing hard enough they would show through. The more I write the more I realize how severe my issues were.
I had 5 different diet pills to take and I would always exceed the amount it recommended and on top of that I was sucking down 3 or 4 16 and/or 20 ounce Redbulls a day (I stopped taking my meds convinced they were making me fat.) I had a lot of caffeine in my system then I only ate 400 to 500 calories a day, chew and spit but I could never make myself throw up. I also walked 3.5 to 4 miles everyday and did targeted exercises. I started in June 2015 and it peaked around October then my husband became involved and it kind of leveled out by November. My therapist at the time said that I could be classified as symptoms of an eating disorder. I lost over 40 pounds in that amount of time but it wasn’t enough for me.
After this I started Binging all the time. I could 3 big bags of M&Ms and 4 small pizzas. I could finish a large Pizza Hut pizza in a day. I am training myself to have better habits and trying to be careful not to cross over on either of those lines. The right way takes longer but is more rewarding for my efforts. I have a destructive side that wants to come out so badly but between medicine and help from my husband we are keeping them contained.
Trigger warning: This post contains dieting, unhealthy habits and references to eating disorders.
I almost started a bad habit I had a few years ago chew and spit. If you don’t know what chew and spit is that’s when you put food in your mouth usually that is on a binge and instead of swallowing it you spit. The purpose is to get the taste without the calories. I know there is debate about how much it actually works but I thought about it the other day and stopped myself before I actually did it. I am doing really well with keeping healthy habits while trying to lose weight instead of what I did in 2015.
In 2015 I would chew and spit, only eat 400 to 500 calories a day and make sure I worked it all out. I would take way too many diet pills with energy drinks. I was dropping weight like crazy but forming every bad habit possible. People will say because of my weight it would never be categorized as an ED.
Now I’m making sure I eat right and consume enough calories, drink water, no diet pills, no caffeine, no chew and spit. I don’t binge anymore and now I’m losing weight not as fast as I want but at least this time I’m doing it the right way.