Grateful Day 5 – Suicide -a word- it is powerful

I know why would I be grateful about the word suicide but I am. I am grateful for the word suicide because it has taught me so much about myself, my struggles, my courage and how to love someone especially myself.

How does that work? Well in my case I had to try it a bunch of times and it not work for me to realize how much that word impacted so many people. They say we give a word power but do we really give it power? It is powerful in itself because it’s something that we lose power of ourselves to get to this point in our life. We can say the word but being there makes every word powerful. What do you think?

🖤 Weekly update 7 🖤

– Diet is still no happening

– No sodas still

– I’m working on the Grateful and Photo challenge as fillers until I can post some of my normal posts. I don’t want to not post anything but they are interesting if you give them a read.

– I keep talking about this giveaway and I promise I’m posting something about it today!!!

– I have a list of topics to discuss and some of them come from my Instagram if you want to check it out.

– I am still trying to figure out how these 20 and younger are making money off of this stuff. I’m doing something wrong

– I’ve been working on the book. Who would’ve thought that I am working on the very thing that I want to be known for.

– I thought about doing some podcasts but I’m not sure at this point.

-I have a big post about the walk coming out today. It has some videos and pictures. Look for it to drop soon. 👇✍️

-PLEASE COMMENT!! I want to know what I’m doing right and what I need to improve on to make sure you are getting good content.

– See you next week!!!

AFSP OUT OF THE DARKNESS WALK 11/4/18 (kind of a long post but great pictures and videos attached)

This year makes 3 years I’ve participated in the walk. This one meant more.

For one year:

I was sober.

I stopped drinking soft drinks

I stopped self medicating

I found a healthier outlet for my problems

I wasn’t suicidal

I learned how not to be selfish

I learned how much I hurt the people around me when I was self medicating.

Wayne doesn’t have to worry about me being at home by myself.

Wayne doesn’t have to worry about that phone call.

I finally let go and let God.

I learned how to love myself. 🖤

I learned I am worth it.

I’m trying to be the mother my daughter needs me to be.

Cami wants to be with me.

She doesn’t worry as much

I let go of toxic people.

I learned boundaries.

I’m amazed by the support that has always been around me and I hope to help them the way they helped me.

I had an event to raise awareness of suicide.

I raised $667 😮😃

I started a blog bipolaroutcasts.com (self promo)

I have a fairly large Instagram following.

People know what’s caused so much pain in my heart and I’m finally open about the struggle I’ve dealt with the last 5 years.

I’m becoming the advocate for mental health and suicide I wanted to be.

My voice will be heard and we will make a change to the way the world sees us.

🖤Forever a fighter🖤

They give us beads for different meanings and when they told us to hold up our green beads for people who struggle you can hear me crying because I’ve fought so fucking hard to make it here and survived times when I probably should’ve died. The horrible things I did when I was high, manic or in a depression so deep I didn’t know if I wanted a way out that wasn’t death. I was so angry and hated watching people function without worried about triggers, mood swings, psychosis or how much you learn to hate yourself because you feel like you did something horrible to have this. It took 5 years for me to see the other side and that my life wouldn’t always be grayscale. It’s been a long year but I made it.

Grateful Day 4 It is the little things- a Trinket

This was my great grandmothers necklace. She gave this to me when she passed away and at the time I wasn’t a believer so I threw it in a jewelry box, never thought about it again until 2015 when my life turned to a complete rock bottom I didn’t know how to get myself out of. I found this right before I was baptized and wore it when I was baptized. It now holds great meaning to me. I found my way back in my life when I needed it most. It is something that I can’t wait to pass down to my daughter.

Photo Day – 3 Sometimes you need to improvise your table

The first one is my Halloween production area waiting for trick or treaters (we only have 5). It is an old table I bought on clearance at Target. We never use it for anything else but it came in handy.

The second picture is not really a table but at the moment it worked. You need a place to put your Chinese food while you are working on blog posts you forget to post and/or save. Yep that happens often. The important thing to take from this is sometimes you got to work with what you have around you.

Grateful Day 2 My favorite place.

I have 2 biggest places that are my favorite they are also my hiding places so I can’t show them to you without incriminating myself so I decided to post my favorite place for the family to go, Amelia Island. We go every year for the past 3 years sometimes twice a year. We do the same things but there is something so relaxing about being there. It’s my little peace of heaven.

Photo Day 2- Eat me up buttercup – a look at my breakfast!

This again is from the walk. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts and I quickly learned they don’t have a great breakfast options besides donuts. I ordered a bacon egg and cheese bagel without the egg. I can’t eat eggs like that it tears my stomach up every time. The bagel was a little crispy and there were burnt pieces on my hash browns but it was enough to tide me over until we went and ate lunch/dinner. I wouldn’t recommend breakfast there ever.