Author: Bipolar Happens

Psych central from both sides of the couch

I’m Suicidal, but Every Day I Make the Choice to Stay. From Mental Health on the Mighty. (Link below)

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I decided to end my life in 1994. It was my first year of high school and I just couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t a snap decision. It wasn’t prompted by a rejection from a boy, or a bad grade, or anything in particular. There may have been a trigger, I honestly don’t remember, but the decision to end my life had been a long time coming, despite my (then) short time on earth.

At 14, I had been living with depression and anxiety for a decade. At an age when most people start trying to figure out who they are and where they belong, my quest for an identity was shrouded in confusion and self-loathing. It’s true, no teenager probably feels “normal.” Feeling angsty and out of place is a right of passage on the road to adulthood. But for me, I didn’t even know what “normal” was supposed to feel like, and I was keenly aware that I never would.

So, in a moment of particularly intense feelings of hopelessness, I decided to take my own life.

But I didn’t do it. I thought about how it would crush my parents, and I couldn’t bring myself to follow through on it in that moment. I decided to put it off for a day.

I’d like to tell you that this moment was a rock bottom or an epiphany, and that after deciding not to kill myself that day, everything changed for the better. I wish it had been a momentary point of weakness that prompted me to see life anew and that I never thought of doing something so drastic ever again.

But the truth is, every day since has been a conscious decision to put it off one more day. I have been suicidal for 23 years, but I have not attempted suicide. There is this idea surrounding being suicidal that a person is always in imminent danger of harming themselves, and while that is the case for some people, being suicidal takes on many forms.

This is what suicidal looks like for me. Only a handful of times have I been genuinely concerned that I might take the actions necessary to end my life. It’s almost never about wanting to die. Instead, it’s the comfort in knowing that I could if I needed to. If it gets to be too much, if I can’t hang on for one second longer, I don’t have to, and the knowledge that I could choose to die gives me the strength to continue living.

https://themighty.com/2017/10/making-the-choice-to-stay-suicidal/?utm_source=Mighty_MH_Page&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=Link_Contributor

🖤Day 28 🖤 Last time I cried

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The last time I cried…… I try not to cry often mostly because I am an ugly crier and when I say ugly crier I mean it could be a Halloween costume. I don’t cry in front of people because I am weird about crying. It seems like an intimate version of yourself that shouldn’t be publicized with strangers. I don’t know if it is because of everything I’ve dealt with or because I’m just genuinely weird about these things. Please note I will not make you cringe by saying things like, “I don’t cry because it makes you weak, I am too strong to cry, I have no feelings, I’ve dealt with too much in my life to cry….” You get what I mean. I don’t believe any of that shit those are just things you tell yourself to justify your feelings because you are a little bitch who won’t man up and deal with your shit…. yeah that is the pot calling the kettle black but I don’t avoid crying for those reasons. I think it is okay to cry sometimes we need to cry it’s like releasing a valve in our body so it doesn’t overheat and kill you. I don’t want anyone to snap because I’ve snapped before and it wasn’t healthy at all. I’ve tried to learn through all of my years of therapy healthier ways to handle my shit, but I guess I didn’t pay attention because pills became my best friend. I am working on it though, writing to you guys always helps a great deal.

Now the last time I cried, it was in my sleep it is usually in my sleep because I have fucked up dreams that scare the shit out of me almost all the time. I wake up crying and that is always fun to do. The sad part is I can’t always remember why I am crying the good part is no one sees me ugly cry. The last time I actually cried for something other than my fucked up dreams was around my birthday when I was dealing with my mood shit and my husband had stuff to do that day and we were going to celebrate a little and then do something that weekend but I was dealing with mood shit and completely exaggerated the situation. (If you are reading this then I am in no way saying you were right.) I kept crying and I have no idea why probably because I just needed to cry, but I can’t always just cry because I need to I need to have a reason so I can’t always blame it on my illness. My illness isn’t as special as it thinks it is. I struggle with this version of myself a lot. I wish I could make heads or tails of it but I get confused most times. My illness is a bitch.

This is me after crying. I have a picture of me while crying but sometimes you don’t need to see something scary. Why did I take a picture of me after I cried because randomly decide to make myself cringe with stupid things such as this.

🖤 Day 27🖤 What makes me feel better, always

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What makes me feel better?

🖤 Sweatshirts and hoodies- Who doesn’t love a big comfy sweatshirt to snuggle up with.

🖤 Family Guy- When I’ve had a rough day turning on Family Guy will always make me laugh no matter how many times I’ve seen the episodes.

🖤 Music- This sounds so cliche but it does. I have a playlist of songs for each emotion. Sometimes it doesn’t help the mood then sometimes it does just kind of depends on how I am feeling at the moment.

🖤 My car- I feel bad for my steering wheel it has received a lot of shit over the years. Whenever I’m mad I beat the shit out of it or I hug it if I am crying. It is also my swear box because whenever I get mad I let it all out in my car. There have been so many times that my husband has told me to leave because of a mood and I get in my car and fly off usually to the same places, but not before losing my shit in my car.

🖤 My hiding places- No one knows where they are for a reason. I go to them when I am suicidal mostly because there is no cell reception so it is harder to track them. I also go to them when I am not suicidal because again no cell reception so I can chill the fuck out and let the rage wash away.

🖤 Peppermint- I love peppermint and it is good for anxiety also good for night terrors.

🖤 My book- I can live in that moment with Lauren for awhile. When bills are piling up and I don’t know what I am going to do and my world feels like it is falling apart going to her world makes me feel better but I don’t think it is very healthy.

🖤 My husband and daughter- When I’ve had a bad day curling up with them watching a movie or helping cook always make me feel better.

🖤 Writing- I’ve learned that I am better expressing myself writing rather than speaking. I get mad and all my words jumble together and I make no sense, but if I write it down I can make sense of it all. This would be why my husband has so many long texts from me.

🖤 Snapchat- My daughter and I playing on Snapchat always makes me feel better I guess it has something to do with those weird filters and making her laugh. I love when she laughs. It makes my soul smile.

🖤 Bathrooms- It is the damndest thing. I have a paranoid anxiety about public bathrooms but when I am anxious I will lock myself in a bathroom to calm down. I don’t know if it is the safety of the space or the fact that it is pitch dark but it works.

🖤 Water- There is a song called Water that I am obsessed with also staring at a shower head or soaking in the tub in the dark makes me feel better.

🖤 Fans- When my husband gets really pissed at me and tells me to “CALM THE FUCK DOWN” I go lay in the bedroom turn the ceiling fan on fall asleep and then I’m fine.

🖤 Not food- My anxiety keeps me from eating, usually because I get bubble guts or the need to vomit.

Here is a picture of my keys in my car because well…. it is my safe place.

🖤Day 25🖤 Best Physical Features

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I had to ask people because I don’t know of any.

🖤My eyeballs – I have purty eyes and they sparkle a little too! The are different shades of blue and sometimes turn grayish blue.

🖤My smile- I was always told at a young age that my smile and laugh were contagious. 🖤

🖤 My legs (depends on who you ask) I can weight press about 350 to 400 pounds with my legs. I got it from my dad the strong muscular legs my PE teachers used to tell me if I was a boy I would be a great football player, but I was a kick ass softball player.

🖤 My feet (is this getting weird yet?!?) My husband always said no matter what pair of shoes I put on they look good on me. I think that’s my feet??? But maybe not

There are other features my husband would love to highlight physically that I won’t add. If it were up to him we would go through every part of my body. He tells me I’m beautiful everyday. 🖤

Mental Health on the Mighty-“I’m suicidal. And no, it’s not what you think.” Article and link to article below.

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To Whom It May Concern:

I’m suicidal. And no, it’s not what you think. I am safe. I am not harming myself. I do not have a plan, and I do not plan on doing anything. But I’m suicidal. And I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t.

People think of things like suicide in such black or white terms. But much like everything else we are so quick to place into categories, being suicidal falls into a gray area for me. Sometimes, I wonder if it does for anybody else. See I can be in a really great mood, right? I could be having the best day of my life. Still, suicidal thoughts will linger. I don’t have to be in a bad mood to be suicidal. I will still have those thoughts if I’m surrounded by the people I love, or if I’m doing something I’m passionate about.

I wake up most mornings thinking I’d be better off dead. But I’m quickly distracted by my husband and son, who are sound asleep next to me. I still feel it, but I try not to give power to it. Throughout the day I am faced with challenges that directly affect my subconscious. Either the suicidal thoughts get louder, or they remain just a feeling.

I should explain better; sometimes being suicidal is different than suicidal thoughts. It’s an actual feeling. The feeling that you have an itch you can’t scratch, that a dark cloud is shrouding you. It’s anxiety and depression, it’s mixed state. You’re drowning, there’s no air, and coming down from that feeling takes so long you think it’s impossible. You have blinders on and you don’t know what’s going to happen next. You just have to push through. And while this feeling is happening, you go through your day, as normal as you can, without feeding the feeling.

Some days are harder than others, and today happens to be one of those days. I know I’m not feeling good, and I’ve taken that into account. But I woke up thinking my family is better off without me. Then I started thinking about finances and my heart sunk a little more. I started thinking about my parents and my depression got worse. And I started thinking about everything my husband does so I can test a career in writing, and God, he can do better than me. It’s not fair to him. If I can’t impress the people surrounding me now, can I face how my son will inevitably feel about me? And I just start crying, because it’s all too much, and I’m just a joke. I feel like I’m drowning, over and over and over again. It would be so much easier to end things, and my family could finally get away from how terrible I am.

https://themighty.com/2016/03/when-you-feel-suicidal-but-dont-want-to-die/?utm_source=Mighty_MH_Page&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=Link_Contributor&fbclid=IwAR0kDSrAT28rHZZYTqGCBSq-5tQWR2Bl5Ej7Xyuk1wezPEDlEaIdLRMC30w

🖤Day 24🖤 Difficult Time- The horrible awful terrible thing that happened…a vague discussion

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I dreaded this day. I didn’t have to talk about this yet, but parts of me want to …

So my difficult time has nothing to do with my illness and for a lot of reasons this will be vague so what I am implying is what happened.

I was 19 years old living in Athens for the first time with my soon to be husband when it happened. The terrible horrible awful thing the reason I can relate to the #metoo movement. Just thinking about it now makes me shake my husband didn’t find out about it until 2015 and it happened in 2003/2004. The details of what happened are forever burned in my memory and to this day I can tell you up to the second what happened and every bit of information after and I can tell you this every time it happened because it happened more than once or twice it happened multiple times and I never told anybody. We can attribute this to a lot of the addiction issues I dealt with because everything started around this time. I went and saw a counselor in the middle of this and she told me she had to report it and I lied so she wouldn’t. I numbed myself with it for about 5 1/2 6 months before it stopped and to this day I am paranoid going into public bathrooms and people walking behind me. I will stop if I can and let people pass me.

It is amazing how much they can fuck with your head. You see it on the news and think if it were you until it is you and then it doesn’t click. You do everything out of fear and you believe they have all this control over you because in actuality they do until something changes or maybe it was just me. He used my issues to control me and they Would think I am lying if I told anyone.

When I finally got the courage to make it stop I had a box cutter up to his neck and told him if he every put his fucking hand on me again I will would slit his throat from ear to ear. I don’t know if I would’ve actually done it or just completely choked and fell apart, I would assume the second one but I doubt it.

This is the extremely vague description and I realize it leaves you a little confused but please know that when the time comes I am able to be more open about it I will. I know this guy is a complete and total asshole and I would give anything to ruin his fucking life but because of special circumstances I can’t right now. I believe in karma and that son of a bitch will pay one day for what he did.

Why deciding not to have more children is not a selfish thing and you shouldn’t shame people who make this decision.

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I have an 11 year old daughter. She has deep red auburn hair with my smile her daddy’s nose and the best of both of us. She is our heart and I can’t imagine life without her, but she is an only child for a reason.

It is rude to ask people who have one child when they are having more because it may not be in the cards for other people.  You should never ask someone this question or any question relative to people having children it is tacky.

Anyway my husband and I have been together since we were 16 and he had a shitty home life and had to take care of his younger brothers so he didn’t even know if he wanted children.  We decided after we got married and spent some time with our friend’s children that we weren’t necessary going to try, but if it happened then it did. All of friends said it took them around 6 months to get pregnant and since I knew nothing about getting pregnant or being pregnant I said we have time, but a month and half later we found I was pregnant. The way we found out was kind of awesome it was on my husband’s birthday. We were so excited and when we found out it was a girl my husband had tears in his eyes. I had a fairly easy pregnancy but at 8 weeks they told me I was more than likely going to have a miscarriage because my uterus wasn’t growing and back pain. I was about 2 weeks passed due when I had her naturally (I refused drugs which is a personal choice everyone is different) I couldn’t breastfeed and we went through a list of formulas for her.

She wasn’t an easy baby. She had colic and never slept while I was dealing with Post-Partum issues even when I denied it. There are parts of her life as a baby and toddler I can remember clearly, but when she was young I was diagnosed and our thought s about another child were gone.

It is amazing even when people knew about my illness they said it was selfish for me to use my illness as an excuse for not having another child. It isn’t selfish don’t ever tell anyone that it is a selfish decision it is for the safety of myself and the child. I talked to my doctor and all the meds I’m on aren’t safe to take while you are pregnant so I would have to wean myself off of those onto something not as strong to take while I was pregnant and then there were increase chances of miscarriages followed by the let’s hope the meds work. If I ever became manic or depressed and no one was around I could’ve easily killed myself or the baby. I also didn’t want to expose this child to the predisposition of having any of these illnesses because there are genetic factors with each one of them, but even with that would I ever change my mind about my daughter? I would love to say no, but I honestly don’t know. I see it in her the things she does like when I was younger and I worry she has it too. She’s seen child psychologist before about her anxiety, but I see her mood, here re/ actions to things and it was just like me and I pray that she isn’t cursed with it too. As a parent all you want to do is protect your child from everything but to know that I could’ve gave her something so serious hurts. I don’t want her to be like me, to go down the same roads I went down (I am hoping that if she is that my knowledge of everything will help.) She always says she wants to be like me but I don’t want her to be like me. I love her more than anything else in this world, but I never want to see her suffer through this shit.

The decision not to have more children was mostly mine and my husband supports and respects my decision, but don’t ever tell someone their reason for not having children is selfish because you don’t know the whole story. So I decided to not have any more children because of my mental health.

🖤 Day 23 🖤 Pet Peeves 🖤 🤬

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I honestly don’t have many of these. I am a reasonable and understanding person. I’ve had an interesting life so I really can’t judge other people.

🖤 Smacking- I think everyone feels this way about smacking. When my daughter is chewing gum I tell her to close her mouth because she looks like a cow chewing grass.

🖤Talking while a show is on- This irritates me. There is a reason for commercials or at least ask me to pause it first. You don’t have to wait for the middle of a show to ask me a question or tell me something when you had all this time before.

🖤 Multiple TV’s on at once- If I am in the bedroom and I can hear the TV in the living room and my daughters Xbox game in her room it is almost over stimulating and starts to irritate me quickly.

🖤My phone- If I show you a picture on my phone that doesn’t mean I am giving you an invitation to swipe through my pictures so if you see something you weren’t supposed to remember it wasn’t an invitation to look through it.

🖤 Social Media- So the same goes for social media. If I show you a post from my private page that doesn’t give you the right to scroll through my newsfeed. Be respectful people!!

🖤 My writing- If I give you something of mine to read there is a reason asking me if that is all annoys me. I had enough courage to show that much be thankful.

🖤 Talking about yourself- Saying let me tell you something about me or what you need to know about me drives me nuts. You will show me who are you don’t need to tell me because you are full of shit.

That’s honestly all I can think of.

🖤

Just like magic I’ve reappeared

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I’m sorry if I’ve been MIA for a few days. I’m trying to sleep better and not be such a bitch. My doctor gave me a new medicine to try, I am on day 4 and I’ve noticed a slight difference. The dreams are still not quite right not and it sucks when I can’t even nap without having them. I am working on updating my 31 day challenge. I am trying to hold to my commitment to finish it even though it is hard sometimes. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do when it is over, but I think I am going to do what I am grateful for next month. It is amazing how when I started I could think of 1000 topics but about a month in I’m like oh shit! I need to make sure I have good content for my subscribers. If you are on Instagram check me out. The last few days it was easier than writing the blog. I’m trying to line them up together.

Right now my issues with my moods is a topic I am covering which I hope is helping other people. It is something I was nervous about discussing in the beginning because I know what it sounds like. So I am back and plan on catching up on everything. I will be on all day. I have a plan to be a little productive today and I have caffeine to help. So I have some good posts coming. Stay tuned…….

This is an extremely exaggerated statement. I would give it all up for my daughter and husband to never have to worry about me and my illness again.