I started a new job at a new company and I didn’t tell them I am bipolar or have any mental health issues. It is a hard conversation to have and the other job I had for the last 10 years went through all the ups and downs with me. I was diagnosed with them and went through addiction, recovery, relapse recovery again to repetitive overdoses. So they were understanding well as understanding as they could be about everything. I think that is one of the hardest reasons for me to leave. I was worried that no one else would understand what I am going through. I made one friend here (well she was the only one who was ever nice to me) but she keeps confusing bipolar disorder with DID (formally known as multiple personality disorder). We are not the same DID is more severe than bipolar disorder. She also thinks I have borderline personality disorder which again is not the same thing.
I really want a friend I can talk to but as I’ve been told I am extremely selfish and my illness gets constantly thrown back in my face like I can help it. It’s hard doing this alone. I have my husband but he has to “take care of me” which is another post. I just want someone to treat me like I’m a person. I am still a person. My illness doesn’t define me it is just something I live with everyday. Maybe I am trying to force a friendship that isn’t meant to be. I’ve also made friends with other people who only want to be my friend when no one is around. I think they are embarrassed or ashamed to admit we are friends. We can’t take pictures together. I am not allowed to tag them on social media. We don’t hang out in public. If I did something I didn’t mean to no one tells me they just start ignoring me. I don’t understand why people are so scared of me. I know I can be intense but I do my best to hide it everyday even though sometimes it is exhausting. I know it sounds like I am whining because well I am whining. It’s my blog dammit. I don’t really have anyone else to talk to but the people who are reading this. So if you want to be my friend let me know. I am up for someone who doesn’t blame everything on the fact I’m bipolar and throw it back in my face like bipolar is an excuse for “attention”. (That statement made me want to throw the keyboard.) Here are some important things you need to know if you are friends with someone who has bipolar disorder.
– We will hyper fixate on you because we love you and want to know everything about you. We know when we get bad and start to feel like we are being selfish we will remember anything we can to try to take the attention off of us. We want you to know that you are the most important thing to us and we can still think of someone other than ourselves.
– Please don’t ever think we can’t understand something you are going through. It doesn’t matter what it is we are have so much empathy for other people because we understand what it is like to struggle. Please use us as a shoulder to lean on. We do like that you need us as much as we need you.
– Don’t beat around the bush just be honest. We get tiptoed around so much from everyone because they are worried about how we will respond we never know how someone actually feels. We can handle more than people realize. We are strong like that.
– We are so proud of you and everything you do. We see your strengths and want to be like you.
– We hide our illness from so many people we are easily exhausted. Trusting you to see the other side is a big deal. For someone to see us without the mask on.
– When people tell you to do what you need to do we automatically assume you don’t care anymore and we feel all alone again.
– We easily feel unloved, undeserving of your love or that we did something for you to not care about us anymore.
– We hurt our feelings a lot more than anyone else does.
– We always wonder when it will be enough. When will you walk out of our lives like everyone else.
– We have such a strong internal struggle with our self destruction no one knows about.
– Affection makes us happy, uncomfortable, confused and ashamed.
– When you worry we worry more. Have we done something for you to worry about that we didn’t realize.
– We skip time and can’t always remember conversations. We aren’t being a smart ass we really don’t know.
– When we are acting out of sorts (an episode) please don’t lie to us about what we said and did. We are just as confused as you about everything.
– We really have no idea what the hell is going on most of the time.
– We love you more than you could ever realize and are always scared of losing you.

Love us for who we are. We can be gentle giants. We know we receive more than we give but we will find every way we can to repay you.

Maybe one day I will have a real friend to see me for who I am but until then all I have are you guys.