Category: Gratitude

When you wake up from sleeping feeling refreshed and happy.

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IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!! I went to sleep last night and woke up laughing more than once from a dream I had. I wish I could remember what it was about but I can’t tell you when the last time this happened. I actually got some fucking sleep!!! Who knew it was even possible?!? My mood has improved just a little bit but it is better than nothing right? The one thing I will say about these mood swings is I am extremely creative and writing is coming very easy to me and I am getting a lot of that accomplished. Let’s hope this trend continues.

There is no future. There is no past. I live each moment as my last.

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The days feel like they drag on for hours and it is almost never ending torture since my moods are horrible. I just want to lay in bed under the covers and hide from everyone, that sounds amazing. I did have fun with Wayne today, we went to Madison to Wal-Mart to go grocery shopping and he was in a good mood. Those good moods aren’t happening as often so I try to soak it up when he’s having them. I wish I could do something to make him feel better about our money situation. It is just temporary because for both of us March picks up and we are extremely busy. I get why he is bummed but I do not give advice because I mentally can’t understand some of these emotions because I deal with them and it doesn’t make sense to me so I can’t help other people with something even I can’t understand. When we got home today I forgot RENT was live on TV. That made me so happy I love RENT and I’ve seen it performed at the Classic Center in Athens twice. I would love to see it performed on Broadway at the end they had the original cast from the Broadway performance sing with the cast and it brought tears to my eyes. It was absolutely perfect. It was a great way to end my day just hope the man leaves soon and my moods start to shift. It hasn’t happened yet but I am hopeful.

Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles. NOTICE THEM!

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I came home from another long day, my moods are getting noticeably worse and the man is not letting up anytime soon. My dreams feel like panic attacks and I am constantly waking up scared and confused the man isn’t helping anything. When I got home from work Wayne and I went and got salads for supper and talked about the future and it makes me happy because that means there will be moments again when I don’t feel like this anymore and I am able to feel like a semi normal person. I just hope it happens soon. This is unnecessary stress.

You are far too smart to be the only thing standing in your way.

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I slept way too much today but I was so tired and my dreams kept me up. The man is in my dreams now and I am trying to control it so he won’t be but I don’t know how or if I can even kick him out. I don’t like napping during the day it makes me feel bad but I couldn’t help it. I purposely try to forget my dreams that way they don’t follow me all day. I can keep putting on a happy face for as long as possible but that doesn’t mean anything. I am still hiding all of it. I am just trying my best to get through this and be okay. I just want to be okay. I am happy for things like family time, rice krispie treats, grilled cheese, pizza, Frozen and Tangled. That made the night perfect and that made the man go away for awhile.

He is getting almost to size and I am starting to see things.

I know it is hard but keep trying.

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Today was a good day even though I was so tired again. Wayne and I ended up spending the day together and he was in a better mood than he had been in for awhile. He sat watched movies and talked for awhile. It felt good that we were both in a good mood around each other. I haven’t really talked to him much about what is going on with me because he already has so much on his plate, I don’t want to add this stress to it. I’ve dealt with it before right? I can do it again by myself without medication. How hard can it be? The man is around and he is almost at full size. He isn’t talking but he follows me around more. I am trying to ignore him. Wayne and I scratched up money and got some lottery tickets today and then sat in the sun room with the door open enjoying the weather and talking. Those are the things I can do to make the man go away. He doesn’t like it when I am around people he tries to keep me away by saying things about them, but we haven’t got that far. I am really trying to make him go away now.

Some people need a little space when they are hurting and other need a hand to hold . Be what they need.

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The lows are hitting the bottom of the barrel and everything hurts I mean EVERYTHING!!!! I don’t want to do anything but sleep. That is all I want to do even though I know it won’t make anything better. I feel like I am getting the flu but it is my mental health slowly deteriorating. Here is the part about this that is awesome and sucks when I get like this I am extremely creative, have so many ideas and I can write for hours (though after awhile it stops making sense) It sucks to be stuck in this situation. I want to be creative without going through the mental health phases. It is like moon phases but not as cool and a lot more spastic. I am reminded of the asteroid in Armageddon jagged, cold, unpredictable, slowly breaking apart and destroying everything in it’s path. I know people want to hear more about my illness and trust me with this you will have plenty of time to hear ALL ABOUT IT.

ALL I WANT IS A HUG.

THE MAN IS AROUND GROWING TRYING TO CAUSE PROBLEMS.

Headphones: A socially acceptable “I’m ignoring you” device

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I’ve learned headphones save every social situation and today was no different. I sat with my headphones on eating pepperonis, drinking orange juice and listening to Gracie Davies on my phone. I had an ok day today of course getting home to family was the best. I don’t have much to say about anything else. I’ve been lost in thought all day.

The man is still around not talking.

Happiness is homemade

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Today just wouldn’t end fast enough. Wayne and I discussed the salads we had last night and wanted to recreate them. I think last night was good for us. We are getting along better now. There are always hard times in relationships and we’ve been through our fair share but it never makes it any easier. We are making it through and me finally being in a right mind (sort of) I am able to comprehend (somewhat) what is going on around me. I know it kind be easy handling everything with me and trying to fight your own battles, but I am trying to use the knowledge of everything I’ve been through to help him if he will let me help him. He had a deacons meeting tonight and I had some time to myself and all I wanted was them. They are all I want all the time now which can be hard because they are my comfort level. I don’t like when these things are going on to be outside my comfort level so it makes everything else feel almost impossible.

The man isn’t vocal but he is hanging around more. I really want him to go away.

There is no happy life just happy days.

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Today was a good day work I was tired (I am always tired) and all I want is to see Wayne and my daughter. They are all I think about all the time. I am also thinking about how far behind I am with everything and it makes my head throb. My head hurts a lot more lately now and I don’t know why. Wayne was in a great mood and we had an amazing evening together. It was just us because my daughter went to my moms and we were both tired but just in a good mood. I had such a great time with him. It was just a relaxing good evening. I know we are having a rough time with money and everything but it was nice for both of us to just forget everything even if it is just for a little while. I hope tomorrow goes by fast so I can see him again. We had the best Zaxby’s salads for supper. 🖤

The man is still around but not vocal. I really wish he would go away.