Category: Gratitude

I prefer my bad dreams be vague from 1/8/19

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Today I sat myself in a tub in my bootleg homemade sensory deprivation tank because my dreams are horrible….again. The sensory deprivation tank probably isn’t a good idea because all of my dreams involve me drowning and waking up in the middle of the night in a complete panic. This is why I go to sleep so early that way when I fall asleep and wake up 36373 times it isn’t horrible. I am on different medicine for sleep we also upped the other medicine to help, but I honestly think I actually need to bite the dust and see someone. They aren’t getting any better and nothing is helping not even my bootleg version of a sensory deprivation tank. I don’t want to go through the issues of trying to find a therapist my insurance covers, making an appointment, filling out the mound of paperwork only to find out they suck and I have to start over again as you can tell I’ve been burned by therapist quite a few times. I just don’t want to talk about all my feelings and relive the terrible horrible awful thing that happened because that dream is super fun to have again and again until we can “work it out.” The point is to not feel like this anymore. I’ve gone to counselors who have “sweetly” told me that I need a psycho therapist……Thanks because I needed you to reassure me that I am that paranoid and delusional as I feel. I feel like it should be a free if you like me then pay me situation. I realize that isn’t fair to the therapist, but neither is me paying to stare at you the first two or three visits to sum up whether or not I like or trust you. I promised my psychiatrist I would find a therapist and I am about to run out of luck on that. I can only postpone it for so long before he starts talking about in patient treatment. Those are words of death to anyone in the mental health community “inpatient” gives me chills thinking about it. If you’ve been lucky enough to escape it thus far keep it up. You DO NOT want to go to the psych hospital. It is hard sometimes to know what is right and what is wrong. I just need to get it figured out. I am dreading the process.

Little moments make big memories

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I found something today that was a big part of my past in a positive way. These are the things that made a difference in my life. It involves people who made a huge impact in my life. It made me sad to see it I miss these people so much and no they aren’t dead they just moved away and are no longer around anymore. I miss them so much and I know they are tired of hearing from me so much but their presence helps so much. This is a short update.

Monthly Goals January- Blog

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Here we go:

  • 20 views a day (If I post more this will happen)
  • Post at least 2 times a week (I need to commit to more but we will start there)
  • Document workout/daily post
  • Post at least 6 Bipolar Chronicles
  • 80 subscribers
  • Total likes for the month: 300
  • Total views for the month: 1500
  • Total visitors (hopefully become subscribers) 2000

None of this is possible without you. I love you bunches.

Weekly Update 16 (late as always)

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  • My gratitude posts with awesome quotes are actually my day to day issues and struggles. I never run out of those.
  • I said I was starting a diet but I watched YouTube and ate pizza so there’s that.
  • I am drinking more water which gets me started on the right track.
  • No caffeine though with lack of sleep is getting really hard to do.
  • Monthly and yearly goals are ready to be posted. I am excited to see where we end up.
  • I have 15 drafts currently going for the Bipolar Chronicles. The best thing to do would be to actually finish them.
  • I would scroll down some there are blog post I backdate and I don’t want you to miss any of the good stuff.
  • My New Years was awesome and I rang it in with my two favorite people.
  • We will see you next week with more updates!!!

I’m proud of her

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My husband is proud of me but not in the way others might think. Of course he brags to people about my blog and Instagram accounts but he is proud of me. He is proud of how strong I am when I need to be, how weak I can be and the ability to show when I’m vulnerable. He is proud after years of hiding my emotions I tell him now when I’m overwhelmed when my anxiety is so bad I can’t actually communicate properly. He is proud of me because I communicate with him and even the tiniest detail can make a huge difference. He is proud of me for being open about my illness and sharing even the hardest of stories. He is proud to see the person I’m becoming and being a part of this amazing person he’s always known was in there but waited to come out. He understands when I don’t want to eat or shower but encourages me anyway with simple things that will make me happy about it. When I hear him say he is proud of me I get tears in my eyes because I remember the old days. He is proud of me and while he can’t combat things like my wife ran a half marathon with my wife took a shower for the first time in days. I know he is proud of me.

Stay close to the people who make you feel like sunshine.

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Today was perfect. The weather was unseasonably warm the sun was shining for the first time in days. We went to church and I wrote the post about the bathroom and then when we got home my husband decided to clean the gutters and my daughter got on her hover board scooting around the yard and the street but I just sat in our sun room and let the warmth soak up in my skin. There are so many negative things happening with me lately the sunshine just pushed them all away. My husband and daughter played Frisbee in the yard and I loved watching them play with Roscoe. It was a good day and it was a day that I needed desperately to make me feel better with all the downs I’ve experienced. I know they say that sunshine can help with your depression and I only believe it helps sometimes but it isn’t an end all cure all for everything. I need more time away and I need more money. I want more freedom. I have way too much structure in my life and I feel contained. I need to do something sporadic to make me feel better maybe tomorrow.

 

Weight loss journey start date 1/7/2019

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Here we go…….

The last time I got really serious about weight loss I took weight loss pills like they were candy, it made me extremely manic and a lot of bad decisions. I got hooked on those and laxatives, it was just horrible and in the unhealthy decisions of mine I lost over 45 pounds in a little under 3 months that isn’t necessarily healthy especially the way I chose to do it. I am giving it a try again except this time without the use of laxatives and diet pills. I’ve made my list of exercises to go by a good time to do them and working on my cardio. I have pictures I took this morning but I am not comfortable sharing those yet. My Snapchat filters can hide a lot and also that you will never see a picture of me below my neck. When I lose some weight and notice a change I will definitely post a picture. So today is day 1 and I am not super excited but I have to change my habits for my health.

I will try to update daily in my gratitude post about my weight loss. I am using those as a daily journal though some of it is limited. I am keeping track of my moods too.

Family a little bit of love, a little bit of crazy and a whole lot of love

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Wayne took a Xanax last night and his reaction is hilarious. He was out of sleep medicine so I told him to take one of my Xanax collecting dust in the medicine container. I said take one and remember they are 2 mg extended release and this was about 8:00 that evening. He woke up and you could tell the Xanax was still lingering. He was so funny and kept saying “I’m light headed and I’m tired.” I think it is hilarious because every time he takes one I say I don’t want to hear you complain about how you feel the next day and every damn time he does it, but it still makes for good entertainment. We went to church and had a fun day. I want more good days like this.

I am proud of many things in my life but nothing beats being a mother.

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Today I was off of work. It is the first Saturday I’ve had off in a long time so I slept in. It felt so good to look at the clock roll back over and continue sleeping until my daughter came in the room and woke me up. She put her face near mine her blue eyes shining, “Mama can we watch The Simpsons?” she asked smiling her freckle face still next to mine. “Of course we can.” I smiled back at her. Her face got really serious for a second and she said, “Can we have popcorn and ice cream?” It was 8:30 in the morning and I said, “Of course.” We laid in the bed swapping bags of popcorn for a container of BlueBell mint chocolate chip ice cream. Her face was beaming with excitement and even though I ended up with a horrible stomach ache she had a blast which is the only thing that matters. We don’t get to spend much time together like this because of my work schedule so I will take these moments when I can get them because before I know it she will be 16 and off with her friends.

My husband got off work late but we had such an incredible evening better than any we’ve had in awhile. I felt relaxed and an actual part of the family and my sadness went away for a little while.