Category: Gratitude

You are braver than you believe stronger than you seem and smarter than you think and loved more than you know.

Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

I needed this today and I hoped it help someone else. It’s so hard to deal with life and all the shit going on around me and I can control it and it is killing me and I keep feeling that I am letting everyone down no matter how hard I try and when I try to tell people they act like I am asking for attention but I’m not I am asking for someone to listen to me and understand that I am not okay and I want you to listen because you want to not because you have to.

If it doesn’t challenge you it won’t change you

Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

Everything is a challenge for me. My illness is a challenge and it has done a lot to change me but recently everything that I hold resent has changed me and I don’t know what to do. I am faced with all of these challenges but I can’t figure out how to make the best better. I sometimes like the challenge because it makes me feel like I am almost human that I could possibly function like other people then I am reminded I am not like other people. I have a curse/gift (depends on the day.) that will forever make me different from everyone else. I don’t always like to be reminded of it. I really hope I make something out of this next year. Cheers to hope and wishes.

Remember Why You Started

Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

It started with the AFSP Out of the Darkness walk telling my story, being a year clean, and raising money and awareness for the walk this year. I had an “open mic night” to raise awareness and I told my story and read two pieces that were based off my life. The room was silent when I finished they saw the post I shared about bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and suicide but they never knew how much I was suffering. After that night I learned that people understood it more coming from me and what I was going through. I made up my mind to open up about it and on 9/12/18 I started a blog on WordPress paid a little money and now I have a blog. I also decided I wanted an Instagram and I started posting learning that I could hashtag and get more views. I am still trying to find the sweet spot, but I am doing this to tell my story also to be more comfortable for my book to be released even on the more difficult day my blog gives me inspiration I need.

Self love isn’t selfish it is important

Bipolar HappensLeave a comment
  • I haven’t taken a shower in days. I don’t want to because I don’t want to be cold and the thought of the energy needed to accomplish such a task is overwhelming and when I get like this taking care of myself feels almost impossible the simple tasks that make me better…brushing your teeth things that most people do anyway because they have personal hygiene and I just don’t. There are also simple things I can do to make myself a better person that are also part of self-care.
    • To love myself– Yeah this is hard to do everything with my illness makes me want to hate myself. The weight gain how selfish I am because even though I don’t want it to everything ends up revolving around me. I don’t want to be the center of attention but when I start going through mood swings and other delights with this bullshit people have to walk on eggshells with me. I also think I look disgusting so there is that too. I am going to figure out how to make it better I am setting this example for my daughter so I need to try more.
    • Don’t step on the scale for the number– That is kind of why I step on the scale?? I try to avoid the scale if at it all possible, it can quickly make all the hard work and self esteem disappear. I am starting a new workout routine at the beginning of the year (I need to finish that schedule….) so hopefully I can be a little healthier for next year.
    • Your well being is more important than anything else– This is true and over the last few months I started learning this. I am getting better about setting boundaries and knowing when to stop. I’ve also learned to vocalize this better as well. I know with my temper issues there are times that I have to say, “I need a minute to calm down or I can’t have a productive conversation right now.” People don’t know how to take it when I fist say it until they see me pop my top then they quickly understand why I need a minute. It is sad that I have to get to that point for people to understand.
      Let go of things that are out of your control- I don’t think anyone is capable of this completely. It is so hard to let stuff go that is out of your control because if you can control then you can fix it right? I feel that is how it should work but I don’t think that is the case. There are plenty of professional issues that I can control but the ones I can’t I hold on to and it causes a lot of problems for me. I have a problem with obsessing about things and I will overthink it so much it makes me sick. I am going to write down things I can’t control unfortunately not on here because I am limited in some of those subjects what I can and can’t talk about.
      Forgive more, judge less, practice kindness- I grouped these all together because to me it is all one thought. If I can do one then the rest should follow in rather quickly which in theory sounds good but in reality probably isn’t going to happen. I really try to not judge people because of everything I’ve been through and done I wouldn’t want someone to judge me based on that. People tell me I am kind but I don’t always see it. I have the kindness I don’t flaunt on social media because it is only kind if you do it without justification from strangers. If I find money on the ground or someone drops something I don’t post on social media guess what I did because everyone doesn’t need to know everything small thing I do, but now I am judging people dammit. It is a lot harder than you think. I am forgiving with my husband but other people not so much. My husband and daughters feelings are the ones I care about the most other people meh. If we are close and I actually like you of course I will forgive you if not then I don’t know what to tell you shit sucks, get over it. I am trying to be more forgiving, but I will not apologize for my illness or steps I need to do to take care of myself you can just suck my dick on that. I am doing everything I can to take care of me and if it doesn’t fit in your bubble then again suck my dick.

    What’s good for the soul do that.

    Bipolar Happens2 Comments

    Lately what’s been good for my soul involves things that aren’t what I am currently doing and I am stuck in a power struggle between what I really want to do and what I should be doing. I know I was given an opportunity at the beginning of this year and I thought it was what I wanted but I don’t think it is anymore. I’ve grown to resent and almost hate it now and I don’t know what changed maybe it was the blog or not realizing how much the blog and Instagram would take off. I wasn’t expecting so much feedback in less than 6 months. I am stuck in a very difficult place and unfortunately this is as much as I can say about it. I guess I just need to make a pros and cons list to decide where I need to go.

    Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will

    Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

    This is overly optimistic even for me. I feel like these quotes keep repeating themselves. Can you tell I need affirmation that I am doing the right thing or that this is what I am supposed to do? I have no idea what I am supposed to do, but I will never know until I try and I assume since all of you are still following and liking this that you are enjoying me and my posts. I waited too long to start this and even though I feel like I am failing one way or another I know I was never meant for a 9-5 job. I am too creative for everyday life, but how do I expand from here. ANY AND ALL SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOMED.

    Believe you can and you are halfway there

    Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

    This seems almost impossible. It feels like every time I take one step forward with my new resources I am kicked back because of something. It seems once I get in a groove of posting on time and then something happens and I get thrown off again. I can’t seem to get steady. I don’t post for days and then I post over 20 and then silent again. If anyone has any ideas on how to make this more consistent I am up to listening for suggestions. I really want to make this successful and try to work it out where this is my job but again I have no idea what in the hell I am doing. I will keep on with these and the chronicles to see if I get somewhere?????

    You are worthy of wanting something more

    Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

     I always knew this, but I have never had the courage or the want to do something new. I am terrified of failure and of any consequences from telling my story. I have so many skeletons in my closet that the door can barely shut. There are so many stories about me that other people can tell even though they aren’t told correctly. I decided when I started this to leave a large portion of stories out to protect people though most of them don’t deserve protecting. I just feel like they are entitled to their part of the story also I know some of them have children and I don’t think their wrong doings is my business to tell them.  I would want the same respect though I don’t think any of them want to talk about anything that happened. I like to believe that people change and who they were 5 or 10+ years ago isn’t who they are today. I hope they have bettered themselves and I know they are living with the guilt of their decisions. So here it goes these are the stories of my life both good and bad even though they don’t deserve it.