"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin." "In fact," said Mustapha Mond, "you're claiming the right to be unhappy." "All right then," said the Savage defiantly, "I'm claiming the right to be unhappy." "Not to mention the right to grow old and ugly and impotent; the right to have syphilis and cancer; the right to have too little to eat; the right to be lousy; the right to live in constant apprehension of what may happen to-morrow; the right to catch typhoid; the right to be tortured by unspeakable pains of every kind." There was a long silence. "I claim them all," said the Savage at last. (17.62-6) Brave New World Freedom and Confinemen- Aldous Huxley
I haven’t taken a shower in days. I don’t want to because I don’t want to be cold and the thought of the energy needed to accomplish such a task is overwhelming and when I get like this taking care of myself feels almost impossible the simple tasks that make me better…brushing your teeth things that most people do anyway because they have personal hygiene and I just don’t. There are also simple things I can do to make myself a better person that are also part of self-care.
To love myself– Yeah this is hard to do everything with my illness makes me want to hate myself. The weight gain how selfish I am because even though I don’t want it to everything ends up revolving around me. I don’t want to be the center of attention but when I start going through mood swings and other delights with this bullshit people have to walk on eggshells with me. I also think I look disgusting so there is that too. I am going to figure out how to make it better I am setting this example for my daughter so I need to try more.
Don’t step on the scale for the number– That is kind of why I step on the scale?? I try to avoid the scale if at it all possible, it can quickly make all the hard work and self esteem disappear. I am starting a new workout routine at the beginning of the year (I need to finish that schedule….) so hopefully I can be a little healthier for next year.
Your well being is more important than anything else– This is true and over the last few months I started learning this. I am getting better about setting boundaries and knowing when to stop. I’ve also learned to vocalize this better as well. I know with my temper issues there are times that I have to say, “I need a minute to calm down or I can’t have a productive conversation right now.” People don’t know how to take it when I fist say it until they see me pop my top then they quickly understand why I need a minute. It is sad that I have to get to that point for people to understand.
Let go of things that are out of your control- I don’t think anyone is capable of this completely. It is so hard to let stuff go that is out of your control because if you can control then you can fix it right? I feel that is how it should work but I don’t think that is the case. There are plenty of professional issues that I can control but the ones I can’t I hold on to and it causes a lot of problems for me. I have a problem with obsessing about things and I will overthink it so much it makes me sick. I am going to write down things I can’t control unfortunately not on here because I am limited in some of those subjects what I can and can’t talk about.
Forgive more, judge less, practice kindness- I grouped these all together because to me it is all one thought. If I can do one then the rest should follow in rather quickly which in theory sounds good but in reality probably isn’t going to happen. I really try to not judge people because of everything I’ve been through and done I wouldn’t want someone to judge me based on that. People tell me I am kind but I don’t always see it. I have the kindness I don’t flaunt on social media because it is only kind if you do it without justification from strangers. If I find money on the ground or someone drops something I don’t post on social media guess what I did because everyone doesn’t need to know everything small thing I do, but now I am judging people dammit. It is a lot harder than you think. I am forgiving with my husband but other people not so much. My husband and daughters feelings are the ones I care about the most other people meh. If we are close and I actually like you of course I will forgive you if not then I don’t know what to tell you shit sucks, get over it. I am trying to be more forgiving, but I will not apologize for my illness or steps I need to do to take care of myself you can just suck my dick on that. I am doing everything I can to take care of me and if it doesn’t fit in your bubble then again suck my dick.