I am still not sleeping well. My dreams are horrible and at this point I am about to give up on ever sleeping like a normal person. These dreams are starting to fuck up my head and I’m seeing shit that I shouldn’t be. I made it through work and couldn’t wait to leave so I could spend time with Wayne and our daughter. We went to Athens so Wayne could get his haircut but he couldn’t but we still went to Woks Up ate stir fry went to Guitar Center and Planet Smoothie. We finished the evening shopping at Hobby Lobby. I love Hobby Lobby they always have things on clearance. We are redecorating the house and I finally feel like redecorating. I used to love decorating but. I had a baby lost myself so I haven’t really started it again. I am excited to start again. This is our house and will always be our house. I am excited to give it some much needed improvements, but by far the greatest part of the evening is laughing and being with them. They are mood improvements. I have to be at work super early in the morning but I don’t care. I would change this for anything in the world.
I wrote about this twice already but since it isn’t my daily post I will add to it. I didn’t sleep last night. I kept dreaming and every time I would wake up I went back to sleep thinking it was over but nope it kept going from where it left off. I even got up got something to drink watched something on my phone that was happy and went back to sleep and it still happened. I don’t get where these fucking nightmares are coming from and I really wish they would go the fuck away. I am so sick of having this problem and not being able to sleep. I can’t talk about it with people because the one up asshat will make it all about her again. I am also not allowed to really talk about it with certain people because it makes them uncomfortable. It is amazing to be me sometimes. I am exhausted and I’m overworking my body just to function. There is only so much my body can handle and my mind is slowly killing it.
The good thing was I left work early and went to DQ with Wayne for lunch and we sat and talked for the longest time. He always knows how to make me feel better. We talked about my dreams and how to handle it and he told me he was proud of me for not going back to old habits and talking about it but not letting it take me over. I love talking to him be makes life better. 🖤
I’m proud of you.
I’m proud of you for getting up and going to work this morning with no sleep.
I’m proud of you for functioning with no sleep and being productive.
I’m proud of you for washing and conditioning your hair for the first time in maybe 4 days.
I’m proud of you for brushing your hair and getting that birds nest untangled.
I’m proud of you for washing your face.
I’m proud of you for doing laundry.
I’m proud of you for surviving and knowing that today was a bad day but it will get better.
I’m proud of you for not going back to bad habits.
I’m proud of you for talking it out and not holding it in.
I’m just so fucking proud of how you are handling everything. You are an amazing and strong person.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from the dreams last night.
I watched you get tortured over and over again and I couldn’t stop it.
I tried please believe me when I tell you I tried but I could never reach you.
The ground crumbled with every step I took it wouldn’t let me near you.
I watched you drown in the blackness I kept screaming to just hold on a little longer so I could save you but the darkness silenced my cries.
I know you are still in there somewhere stuck in the darkness that surrounds you but listen for my voice. I will guide you back to the light.
I need you to promise me that you won’t give in.
It may take a while but I will find you again. I will hold you until your wounds disappear.
Please be okay. I love you.
(I had a rough night last night with dreams and this is a “poem” to myself reminding me not to go and don’t let my illness win.)
Today sucked. My dreams are constantly getting worse and I am so tired I want to stab someone. I wouldn’t actually stab anyone because I don’t want to go to jail but people make it really difficult not to unleash the evil that is hidden deep in my soul. I can’t with stupid people…I just can’t. Why is it that someone always tries to one up you. I can’t talk to people about my illness or lack of sleep because they are always trying to one up you. It looks like this…
Asshat: How are you?
Me: I am tired. I’ve having a hard time….”
Asshat: “Girl I know I only slept for 5 hours last night. I was tossing and turning it is so hard to get a good night sleep.”
Asshat: How hard could it be for you to sleep? You take medicine don’t you? Oh I just started taking melatonin I’m sure it is stronger than your medicine why don’t you take it.
Me: Suck my dick…… and walked away.
My moods suck and so do people. Why can’t I live in a secluded bubble in the middle of nowhere? People suck.
I was fortunate enough to talk to this incredible woman and actually quote me for one of her blog post. I am so thankful for the opportunity to get to know you and have a chance to work with you. I hope we can work together again soon. Check out her blog at http://www.searchingforgrey.com and subscribe. You can also follow her @apirola on Instagram.
My mood today sucks and what sucks even worse is I’ve wasted a day that I could’ve worked on my blog or my book. Today I am trying to play catch up with everything. I need to print out the next chapter to start working on. I keep looking around at this moment when I am working in the office with cold feet beating the keys of the this pretend keyboard attached to an IPad eating Cadbury mini eggs and miss it. Will I miss this simple time when my book is published and my blog has high stats everyday. I When the pressure for me to perform becomes real and my illness has to stay away so I can be productive. Will I have deadlines to meet and will I be able to keep up with everything. I am trying my best to overlook everything that is wrong with me right now my depression and think that there will be a time when I can look back on this moment I fought for and be thankful of how it turned out. I am doing this without looking to pills to solve my problems and that in itself is a victory.
We are repeating February goals since I didn’t complete a quarter of them. Let’s try this again.
5 Bipolar Chronicles
3 post a week
10 views a day
Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends
90+ visits per week
125 subscribers- close 115
2000 views- 1198
1500 visitors- 824
5 Bipolar Chronicles- posted 2
3 post a week- yep
10 views a day- not consistent
200 likes- 127
Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends- nope but I was close.
750 followers- not even close 635
615 post- 593
90+ visits per week- kept it maintained
Blog post- a few of them
We are going to reuse some of these for March since February didn’t go very well. My depression won last month but we won’t let it win this month!!!