Today just sucked all the way around. I had to work on little to no sleep and a variety of things that made me anxious completed the lack of optimism in my day. I just don’t understand how I am supposed to function with no energy, mood issues and still be happy. It just isn’t happening.
Wayne and I got in a fight because I ruined the evening. I didn’t even know what was going on. I was so fucking out of it I couldn’t tell you what I did. I don’t doubt it though. When I get like this my memory is nonexistent and I usually act out aggressively or ignore everyone. The schedule is completely messing me up. I need time off and time away from everything but I cant afford it and I don’t know where I would go. I don’t need to be by myself I know that much. I will become a complete danger to myself when I am in these moods.
Sometimes I just want to say fuck it on everything but I can’t but the thought of doing it makes me feel better. So I pretend what it would be like if I just said fuck it and it makes a huge difference.
SO FUCK IT. FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK BILLS, FUCK PEOPLE, FUCK MONEY, FUCK RELATIONSHIPS JUST FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!
My work schedule is still screwed up which in turn screws up my sleep cycle. I keep thinking about the fight that many daughter and I had last night. I know more than anything else it hurt my feelings and I reacted badly. On my part I could’ve taken a different approach then white trashing it in the yard. Just for clarification I was not swearing at my child nor did I call her any names. I was just pissed off and being me decided to let my anger out in the middle of the front yard. It all kind of confused me because she and I just had this amazing conversation on Wednesday so I don’t know where this came from. I couldn’t concentrate today it was all I could think about. I know she is young and still doesn’t fully understand what is going on with me but it still hurts.
I want to do something self destructive to make it better but I remind myself that I am not that kind of person anymore. I can handle my shit like an adult, my daughter and hubby are every reason to stop myself from making these decisions. It isn’t worth losing them for any moment of being numb.
I remind myself the reason I changed myself the reason I decided to live a better life is because if I didn’t it would be a life without them and that isn’t a life I ever want to have. I don’t want synthetic moods anymore. I’ve dealt with worse deal with it dammit you got this.
I had to work today and it was a late shift that I am not used to doing so it kind of messed up my day. I am so tired and my schedule is a bit out of whack which is not good for me or my sleep cycle. It is amazing how a few hours of sleep can cause so much damage. I am so ready for Monday I need a month off and hours of sleep that I am missing. I accomplished nothing on my days off.
These moods are really all over the place. I messaged the GW on hopes for a little update to make my day better. I have practiced my handwriting some today which also made me feel a little better. It is amazing how I can have so much energy and then have none at all. I want my hyperfocus to work dammit but you cant turn it on and off. I think a lot of me is broken right now.
My daughter and I got in a huge fight tonight. She texted me that she needs to talk to me about how I treat her with my moods and when I ask to check her phone. This all happened after I took my medicine after I got home late from work. It doesn’t go well. I lost my shit. When my mom dropped her off I completely white trashed it and started yelling and cussing in the driveway. Thanks for making me feel like a worse parent than I already am. I know that isn’t want you meant but you broke my heart especially since I’ve worked so hard lately to make changes in my mood and how I ask you for things like your phone. Let’s rub the shitty parent in a little deeper.
I have watched way too many font videos and I’ve accomplished nothing else but some new handwriting techniques. I am constantly working on improving my handwriting. I have started on so many things but got none of them accomplished.
I know there are certain triggers happening and as much as I want to ignore it I cant. I didn’t realize editing this chapter would be so hard and cause so many problems. It is like reliving the same trauma over and over again. I sit and stare at the word document for 45 minutes trying to get pass the triggering message but it doesn’t work. I don’t want to delete it completely but I have to overcome my fear of touching it and making any adjustments. Hell I wrote it you think it would be easy to just cut it out and edit it but it is almost like torture.
My daughter came home from school and I took a break from my difficult book writing to hang out with my daughter. We had an amazing conversation about girls, friends, drama and school. She is at that age sadly when bullshit happens and I want her to know how to deal with it. She told me that two of her friends were arguing and I said, “STAY OUT OF IT” Nothing good ever comes from putting yourself in the middle of an argument you have no idea why it started. I explained things from a different perspective and then dealing with my friends and what I learned growing up. I had such an amazing conversation with her. These are the moments when I feel like a really good mom.
Today was one of those days when you have a million things to do but you get so overwhelmed you get none of them accomplished. I am off work today and tomorrow and I was supposed to ride with Wayne to get the truck for his work but it got pushed back. I should be happy because it gives me more time to catch up on everything but it won’t happen.
I just don’t have it in me lately. I know my moods are an issue but that isn’t making it any easier. I am so behind and I’ve lost almost all motivation to do anything. I am stuck on my book. There is a section in the second chapter that involves something that happened to me and at the time no one else knew what it was so it was my only way to talk about it but since the people I love and need to know are informed I want to take a chunk of it out. I don’t want to be as open as I originally was about it which is weird considering I have a blog now and I am open about almost everything else. I just don’t want to really talk about it because I am not ready for the questions that come with it. I have talked to the amazing GW that is helping me edit and he is so awesome he said take it out and I will help you reword all of it.
I am going to try and focus to hopefully get something accomplished.
IT IS MY FRIDAY!!! Sinus headaches suck but Excedrin is amazing. I am already having problems with my illness and it makes me easily agitated. I had some different things going on at work that kind of split up my day which was nice.
When I got home I took a bit of a time out to make sure that my agitation level would decrease so I don’t start a fight. I am good at starting fights especially when I am easily agitated. I went to Dollar General and spent way too much money on things I needed and then on somethings I didn’t really need but wanted. When he hit the total button and it was $70 I said, “HOLY SHIT” really loud and then apologized. I wasn’t paying attention to any prices I was just shopping with my daughter and throwing shit in the cart. If she picked it up and said, “Mama isn’t this cool.” It ended up in the cart. I wonder why I am always short on cash especially with the amount of money I make.
After this I made my honorary to do list that I never finish or look at after I make them. I need to go over budgets, bills, journal entires I am behind on my blog and Instagram that I’ve been almost mute on. I really need a manager or a brain to function long enough to get shit accomplished.
Moods: They are okay. I was easily agitated because of my headache but besides that they weren’t that bad. My only on going problem is dreams and sometimes they can cause major mood issues.
HAPPY EASTER!!! Today is a wonderful day. I get to spend time with my family it is a day off of work and church. I haven’t made it to church in awhile with my hectic work schedule I don’t get there as often as I should. I went to my moms for awhile and spent time with my mom, sister and niece. We had a really good time. My daughter loved everything we got her for Easter. (She outgrew the Easter Bunny.) It was just good family time.
Mental Health: My dreams are crazy but it is like the les and and less I remember when I try to write it down. I don’t know what is going on anymore. This is pit of anxiety hasn’t left yet. Sometimes in moments like this I want Xanax or any benzo for that matter but it is a bad cycle and one I don’t want to start on. I’ve gone down this rabbit hole with these meds and it never ends well. We’ve avoided the self destructive pattern for almost two years and I would like to keep it that way. I just got where Wayne trusts me again and I don’t want to do anything to break that trust. I am so proud of myself for writing this out instead of going right for the pills.
Please check for back post
I am still way behind on everything
Moods are bad
I am trying
Not going to make the goals unless something changes
I need to get better.
Why can’t I follow through with anything.
I am so mad at myself.
I would change the font to green if I could figure out how to in honor of 4/20. I support the use of marijuana and thinks it needs to be legalized in every state.
Anyway, work went by so slow and I know it’s because I am so excited about the big surprise. Our wedding anniversary is actually in May but so is our daughters birthday that means we are celebrating a month early. May is dedicated to our daughter. When I texted Wayne and told him how much longer I had he texted me back and said, “Just a few more hours and you are all mine.” My heart melted. I haven’t felt great lately the issues of rapid cycling are getting worse and it is becoming more difficult to deal with.
We went to Athens and he took me to Best Buy for AN APPLE WATCH. I know it doesn’t sound really exciting but if you are a nerd like me and an Apple lover it is perfect. I’ve wanted one for awhile so it makes me happy. This is a fairly expensive mood increaser but still a good one. I used it to text him when we were in the mall. I could’ve just used my phone because responding on my watch is a bit more difficult but I did it because I could.
We finished Easter shopping and went to eat at Catch22 which is a delicious gastro pub. I went to Target and spent WAY TOO much money again. It was a great night out with Wayne and a much needed night out with him. We weren’t in a rush grocery shopping and hoping we could get back home soon enough for me to take my meds. We stayed out late and I felt not so constrained by my illness or my meds. I had a small taste of freedom which sounds weird but if you are scheduled the way I have to be going off schedule for just a little while is amazing.
I am still neglecting things but right now in this moment everything seems perfect.
It is Friday and normally wouldn’t be this excited about it but I open tomorrow and then I’m off Sunday for Easter. Wayne has a big surprise for me tomorrow after work. I’ve been reflecting on things today after noticing on a social media page. Drugs (even scripts) make you a horrible needy person or as I called one point in time a sociopath. I honestly believe that anyone who struggles with drugs or alcohol possesses those traits but what gets me is the people you hurt because of this assume this who you are. I fucked up so much in 2015 I get it but it still gets held against me. I have a Bipolar Chronicles about addiction you will see soon.
It just sucks because you aren’t given a chance to show people you’ve changed because they just assume you are a horrible person. It sucks that people won’t let go.
Now that I’ve expressed this let me again say how excited I am for tomorrow!! ❤️