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Sorry I’ve been MIA. I’m working on post and will be back soon. Mood swings are a bitch.

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Fuck Dreams

Today started off really weird but ended on a high note. Wayne and I had a really odd fight about a shirt which makes no sense but I feel like sometimes you just need to argue and maybe that is just me. I feel like holding in emotions (yep I am saying this) isn’t healthy and sometimes you just need to get mad at someone to get it out of your system. We ended up going to see Captain Marvel which was pretty good. My moods are out of whack and if I had my choice I would rather deal with the downs then this shit. My daughter is on Spring Break so we hung out more today. I keep having more and more fucked up dreams. I wish they would just stop and I realize that if I saw a therapist it would help a great deal but we’ve been down that road and it isn’t happening again.

Shaved Ice

 

Today my daughter went on a day trip with 4H and it is my day off. We went and got shaved ice after and had a great time. My plan is to update my blog so Wednesday and Friday I can focus on the book. That is my hope anyway. I’ve also noticed that when I pull out my journal in places that aren’t home people look at me funny. The man is back again which is always awesome. He is creeping in there little by little fucking with my head. The worst part is when I’m sleeping so if it stays contained to sleep we can figure it out. I feel like right now I am strong enough to hold it out but Jolene isn’t having any of it. We will see which mood triumphs in victory hopefully it is the one that is stable.

T.G.I.M

I love Mondays!! I know everyone else despises them but I do love Mondays because it is my Friday which means I have two whole days off and my daughter is on Spring break which means I get to hang out with her. Work as always is work. (I know several of you have asked where I work and what I do for a living besides being an awesome blogger but I can’t talk about it.) Today after work we had left over pizza and my husband had the beer I bought him. He lets me go and pick out his beer for him now. He drinks ales and IPA’s so it is always weird name beer.

My moods are rapid cycling. I think I can it official and I am starting to see things again. I really don’t want to deal with this again. Why won’t it just go the fuck away and stay there. I am in a better head space so I am able to tell myself it isn’t real.

Create a life that feels good on the inside not one that just looks good on the outside.

Work today was well work but it was what happened after that was amazing. When I got home I relaxed with the hubby and my daughter. It is so hard to explain what kind of relief it is to be with them. We went to DQ and played Guess the song which my daughter was really good at. I am proud in her choices of music we did good. We got sundaes and laughed the entire way home. I may not no how I will feel tomorrow but I know that moments like today will make the rough days better. My moods are going up and down but hopefully it stabilizes soon.

World Bipolar Day!! 🖤🖤🖤

It is World Bipolar Day!!

I struggle with it everyday and it hasn’t won it has come close a few times but I will fight it everyday until I can’t anymore.

I think we’ve become desensitized to so many things we don’t think of it as people’s lives. This isn’t a choice and those meds aren’t for fun. They are serious medications and this is my life. It isn’t just a bad day it’s a fight either direction and being ripped in half. It isn’t just anger it’s a blackout violent rage, not just sad it’s almost crippling depression triggered by unbearable anxiety. When I’m good that means my moods are stable for now, but when I rapid cycle it is in simple terms a tug of war with my mind and even if the rope breaks I’m just as screwed as I was when the fight started.

The last 6 years:

I’ve won over 10 suicide attempts.

I’ve survived at least 15 accidental overdoses.

A marriage with a man who deserves an award to handle me at my worst.

I’ve survived months of night terrors

Sobered my ass up and stopped medicating (2 years in September.)

Put the benzodiazepines down.

Learned how to cope without meds

How to ask for help

To admit that I can’t handle my illness alone

Handed Wayne the medicine so I don’t touch it anymore.

Found people like me and gained a twin.

Found out people lie about being like me/ended bad relationships

Understand what love and forgiveness looks like

I am capable of being loved

I deserve love

Not to be ashamed of my illness anymore

Speak out for others who can’t

Raise awareness

Words are power

Caffeine is dangerous

Self care

To love myself

To forgive others/myself

Some people will never understand my illness and that’s ok.

That I’m still human (sometimes I call myself a meta human 😘)

It is ok that this is the norm in our house

I’m not a failure as a mother/wife/friend/family member

Not to pill shame people (my meds second picture)

Not to shame people for their illness because I know what it is like to be shamed for mine.

To love everyone and not to judge

He made me in his image and I’m still one of God’s children. 🖤🖤🖤🖤

Bipolaroutcasts.com

It’s been so much a part of my life the thinking that I go through is crucial. I found that if I don’t paint for around a week, I get practically suicidal. It took a long time to figure out why I had these mood swings, and I finally figured out it’s because I haven’t painted. Damian Loeb

I find this quote to be true. I feel horrible when I’m not writing. I can think of a thousand things to write about when I’m doing other things. I have notes on my iPad, iPhone, laptop, pieces of paper whenever wherever I get inspiration I follow up on it because I will lose it quickly. The biggest problem with that is when I am places other than home people don’t feel like me stopping what I am doing a good enough reason to write down a small thought. I use that small thought to expand on what I want to talk about.

Today I got off work early came home, took a shower, started a load of laundry and watched the Better Things recorded on DVR. I love this show and it actually gives me a lot of inspiration when I am writing which is like double bonus points for me.

Mood: I am starting to see stuff that isn’t there and my energy burst are becoming more frequent so are the drops downwards. Let’s keep following and see what is happening.

I was digging me a hold big enough to bury my soul- Mac Miller

Today went to shit fast. It just fell apart and now I want to curl up in a ball and go back to sleep. I can tell this is starting to become an upswing which scares me. My upswings are dangerous and extremely unstable. I can feel myself losing control in pieces and I’m hoping that this is just a one time occurrence and we will start to smooth out after this. In the mix of everything I found a song to help calm me down. (I’m uploading that playlist soon) I have many songs that help calm me down and when I start to get angry those songs are crucial. The song I am speaking of is 2009. I need to work on edits and my blog but all I can think about is my bed and wanting this horrible day to end. It will get better tomorrow right??

Turn intentions into actions

Today I worked on edits….ALL DAY! I am proud of myself for staying focused long enough to get so much accomplished. I read the same paragraphs for at least 5 minutes deep in thought and when I get into deep thoughts like this I imagine myself in the book. I am in my main characters body having these conversations and feeling what sounds like a realistic reaction and emotion to have. I guess I could do it without diving in deep but it is easier that way. I have this amazing (some may call it weird) connection with my book so I am able to find myself inside the characters their emotions and problems are mine but the solutions are also mine which comes in handy with the situations that I put myself in. I think that is why it is so hard to give it up. If I don’t have her that means my problems have to be solved in real-time. It is probably for the best.

I am so behind on EVERYTHING. I need to create a schedule but how do you create a schedule for this when you have no idea what you are doing still and you are so unorganized with this and moods make it more difficult.

Mood: I think I am in an upswing but it is weird so it is hard to tell.