It takes forever for me to find these damn quotes, anyway the money topic again. It is almost as annoying as my moods. We are tight on money which I’ve explained more than one time but we talked about it again and I got upset because I felt like it would be discussed every day I am off and don’t get me wrong we need to talk about it so we can get everything in place. I get paid tomorrow so we need to have a game plan but I want it to be a 2 minute conversation and let that be it but I know it helps him to talk about it but I got annoyed and my mood flipped switch on and I started shouting for no reason. Yep those are good times when I flip my shit for absolutely no reason. He actually isn’t talking about it that much I obsess over talking about it and I am the one working myself up for no reason. He was happy and in a good mood until I freaked out and ruined it, I am an expert at that. My moods are a continued problem with lack of sleep I am a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any given moment. It sucks to be like this.
Hi! I’m here and meh. I am still struggling but I threw myself into my book to solve some problems I’m dealing with. I have a stack of papers and half written journal entries/blog posts I’m working on but mostly on the book. I will post and check up tomorrow
Lots of love ❤️
Today was my last day of work for 3 whole days!! The Super Bowl is on tonight which I don’t care much for football but it will be fun to watch the commercials. I am hoping these days off will help my moods improve. I went outside with my daughter and watched her hover around the yard and down our street. We made some really cool videos of her which I enjoyed. I thought about uploading them. It’s sucks that my moods are causing so many problems and distance between people because I don’t want to hurt them. I need to work more on my blog and Instagram but I don’t feel like it and Instagram shadowbanned me again so it won’t be exciting until they stop that shit. The man is always around and watching me. He still talks occasionally.
The weather was perfect today and when I got home from work Wayne and my daughter were outside playing. I went in the house to rest for a few minutes but when back out to watch my daughter on her hover board and help my husband get Roscoe set back up he broke free and started running around the neighborhood. I really don’t understand why people don’t get the concept of headphones, when I am on my lunch break it consists of Passenger “Let her go” acoustic and playing Spades on my phone but people want to bother me. I just want to be left the fuck alone if I wanted to talk to you I would. I am trying to accomplish small things and making myself feel better. I struggle a lot with everything and I don’t want to be bothered I need calm down time all the time.
Later on we made an amazing supper and watched “The Incredibles 2” Which was an awesome movie. It was great time to spend with those two and I wish everyday could be as fun as it is today. Moods still suck but moments with them make it better.
Here we go again with most entries it was a long day but I had a voucher for something in a coffee shop and I got a milkshake!!! It was delicious and definitely made my moods better there is just something about chocolate. I came home from work at junk food took a long hot shower which involved watching YouTube videos and wish I could create my own channel but there are particular reasons I can’t which sucks. My moods are how they are in every other post I feel like they suck. I want to know when this fucking mood swing will end. I want to talk to my best friend but she is going through something and I don’t want to bother her she understands this shit and gives good advice. I will try to work my way through it though it just takes time.
JANUARY IS OVER!!!! It feels like there were 3423234 days in January but now it is done. I can’t wait to post my finals for numbers in January. My moods aren’t any better the man is talking but dammit I accomplished goals I set for myself and I kept up with my daily emotions for ALL of January!! I am so damn proud of myself. Small victories sometimes are the best victories. This is my big win for the day!!!
Today I went with Wayne to pick up a truck and we had to go to Lawrenceville. I despise Lawrenceville and for a good reason, that is where Summit Ridge is located. The damn psychiatric facility I was involuntarily held. I start to shake just thinking about that place a glorified hell hole which I felt like I would never escape from. The entire way there I stared at landmarks I remember staring at on my way to follow up visits which Lexapro was shoved down my throat (not literally but you get it) When I was finally discharged from that disgusting piece of shit they made me think that if I didn’t schedule follow up visits they would put me back in. I hated driving there to talk to the psychiatrist who makes his money working for the hospital and his private practice out of the hospital as well (he was profiting way too much fucking peoples head up.) When we were driving I could tell you where everything was and where the road was to turn on to the hospital when we passed it I got chills. I never want to be anywhere near that place. Wayne told me I need to let go of that because it was almost 6 years ago and he is probably right but it is hard to let go of it is what started this mental health journey. I want to never forget where I stood to where I am now and everything in between again this when I need a therapist.
We stopped to eat on the way back and he told me he was going to sell his truck and that was the first truck he ever bought, it isn’t currently running but it broke my heart because he told our daughter she could have it and fix it up. I was able to talk him out of it and we got our financial situation handled the best we can right now. I am just glad he isn’t selling his truck.
Moods suck dreams suck this trip didn’t help anything.
I am off today and it is cold and raining. I am glad Wayne is home with me because snuggles and Netflix are the best. I spoke too soon about those dreams they went back to shit last night. It was nice while it lasted. The dreams are a new thing for the past 6 months or so. I’ve never really had this problem before and no medication is working so that sucks. The therapist was a dumb bitch who I will never talk to again. She lied about how much I was supposed to pay for a co-pay and when I told her she was wrong she got pissed off but I ended up making her cry. My insurance sent me an EOB which said I owed her $15 not $70 or $75 which she kept changing back and forth. I emailed and texted it to her but I never got a response (I wonder why) I am stressed about not having a therapist because I need help but I want to find someone who isn’t an idiot and can actually deal with me. My job offers this 3 free visits for counseling if you need it but I never qualify because my problems “exceed” the 3 free visits which I find to be hilarious. The search is back on for a decent therapist.
Today we also ended up seeing an Optometrist because Wayne had sawdust and wood stuck under his eyelid and we tried every method we could think of to get it out of his eye without spending money but it didn’t work. He is so accident prone he needs to wrapped in bubble wrap all the time. I still love spending time with him. He makes my moods better. I just need to bring him with me everywhere I go.
IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!! I went to sleep last night and woke up laughing more than once from a dream I had. I wish I could remember what it was about but I can’t tell you when the last time this happened. I actually got some fucking sleep!!! Who knew it was even possible?!? My mood has improved just a little bit but it is better than nothing right? The one thing I will say about these mood swings is I am extremely creative and writing is coming very easy to me and I am getting a lot of that accomplished. Let’s hope this trend continues.