Tag: 31 day blog challenge

🖤Day 11 🖤 Proudest moment

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There are a lot of these though I think that everyone should list the things they are proud of especially if they are going on spiral it helps to not you aren’t a complete fuck up.

1.) Hands down my daughter. She is my proudest moment having her was the best day of my life and I don’t know if I would still be here without her.

2.) My book- It’s been a 6 year process and we are finally getting somewhere with it and it may get published soon

3.) Sobriety- It is an easier thought then action. In NA/AA they tell you your first step is to admit you have a problem and that is supposed to be the hardest but it is the second and third step is the worst. I’ve making my way through slowly. I’m so proud of myself for making this decision.

4.) Surviving- Suicide survival in itself is a gift and a burden. Our gift is still being here but it’s a burden still being here. It is so confusing and heartbreaking. The best thing I could ever do is survive.

5.) This blog- I’ve said for years I was going to do this but I never figured people would actually read anything I had to say but this is taking off.

🖤Day 10🖤 My first celebrity crush.

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JTT- Jonathan Taylor Thomas (I am a 90’s kid) It wasn’t Home Improvement for me it was Tom and Huck with himself and Brad Renfro and then of course how awesome was he was in Lion King and every countless Disney movie he played in after. I was part of his fan club and obsessed over every single magazine, book, cd and anything else with his voice and his picture . My wall was covered with his pictures and you know as we all thought as children I was going to marry him. I think these childhood crushes are a healthy part of growing up. I know this new generation BOP magazine isn’t the popular thing anymore, but social media is a good way to keep up with the celebs. He was on Last Man Standing and he just keeps getting better looking with age……just don’t tell my hubby. 🖤

🖤Day 9 🖤 Walking canvas (tattoos and piercings)

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I will start with piercings because they aren’t as interesting. I had a tow hitch (belly button ring) I had it pierced 3 different times. My favorite was a piercing and tattoo place in the mall who only charged me $10. It got infected (surprised) and then the other 2 were at legit places but they pierced it too deep. (I have scars) I determined after that the chubby me shouldn’t have her belly button pierced. I’ve had my ears pierced many times but I forget to put earrings in and the holes closed.

Now the good stuff my tattoos. I was scared for the longest time until 2015 during my manic I decided to get a tattoo. Once you get one tattoo you have to get more right?

This is actually my first and second tattoo. My breathe tattoo was actually my first. I got it on my 31st Birthday. Of course breathe is for my anxiety, my semi colon for suicide, my infinity symbol and cross with Ruth 1:16 for my renewal and love of my faith. I love the fact that is my handwriting.

The second is the suicide awareness ribbon with my anchor. This was after a suicide attempt.

The most popular via Instagram reviews. The original version I found wasn’t this cool, but I have an amazing tattoo artist that made it beautiful. This is the man. If you’ve read any of my other post you know about the man. He wanted to detail the spine to show more vulnerability in the woman who is a slave to the man who controls her life.

I think neck tattoos are awesome and I also wear my hair up all the time so you can see it. This is in support to every fucked up thing that happened to me. I am a fighter and will continue fight until it wins one way or another. This was around the time I opened up about the terrible awful horrible thing that happened to me. This again is my handwriting. My cross on the T and my ; as the i is again my survival from this fucking disease

Music is my refuge which I know is the case for many people. I can play almost any instrument, make mash ups, my music list has an amazing range but I can’t sing. I wish I could sing but the sound of me screeching isn’t attractive. My mental health abilities did not bless me with the ability to sing. Hallelujah is my favorite song. I have saved between YouTube, Musi, Spotify I have so many different versions saved. This is the song I listen to when I start to spiral out of control. This tattoo is a just a base to the final half sleeve tattoo I want is finished.

My bipolar disorder. This is Sasha (check a new post for Sasha.) When I went in I asked for the mask that is black and white with a happy/sad painted across it. He said he wanted to try something different I said okay and this is what he came up with and I love it. It was an impulsive decisions which ironically fits the tattoo. This is a more modern version of that work. I wear this with great pride.

This honestly was just to be a dick. It is a stereotypical tattoo for mental health in my opinion but the size and placement was just to prove a point. I don’t regret it while it isn’t my favorite tattoo.

My artwork is just starting and I can’t wait to express my life across my arms. It shows the fight I am trying to win.

🖤

🖤Day 8🖤 Self Esteem boosters as a child. Old photos of me

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I put a copyright on these pictures like you might steal them. There are two old photos of me. One when I was a year old and the other with my high school ❤️. I remember growing up I was always skinny until I hit puberty then I plumped out. I had a pair of shorts that I could fit in from the time I was 3 until I was 8. Whenever my family from out of town came in they would ask, “Do you have a boyfriend?” Or “I bet all the boys are chasing after you. You are so pretty you should be a model.” This boosted my self esteem but had the opposite affect on my sister. I can also remember the first time my mom bought me a “big girl two piece” the bikinis with the shorts and padding on the top that made your boobs look good. I was probably 12 or 13 and my sister told me I was disgusting and looked like a cow. We went on vacation places and all the boys would stare and flirt with me the same when I went to summer camp. I was one of those girls who always had a “boyfriend” at camp. I was vain growing up because I knew I was pretty until I gained weight and then that went away and my self esteem once at a peak bottomed out. I couldn’t be fat. I always associated fat with ugly. I would say things to my friends like, “big boned, muscular, or just bloating from PMS. I had “boyfriends” in high school but it was just to justify to myself that even though I was bigger that I was still pretty. I started a dangerous diet in 9th grade that my mom caught before it got worse. Now I’m 34 plus size and will tell you that I am beautiful and may mean it 53% of the time.

My daughter looks like me when I was younger except with the prettiest head of red hair. I try to explain to her that she will marry and a good person and not focus on her looks because so many people do and she is gorgeous, but I don’t want her to feel like she needs someone especially a man to validate her worth. If she does find someone I hope they are like her dad who will tell you I’m beautiful but that isn’t why he fell in love with me. He can tell you what it is about me (personality, passion etc..) as to why he loves me. Sometimes I still need validation but I know he adores me and I hope my daughter will find that with someone.

🖤

🖤Weekly Update 3 🖤

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I am a day behind on my weekly updates!

🖤 I have at least 4 new post coming including my mental health week post, my 31 day challenge, my current mental state and a few others.

🖤My moods are kind of jumping and this is the first time I’m really dealing with it since I stopped self medicating and it is really fucking hard to do.

🖤 I have some info on my social media accounts and some questions for people who’ve used WordPress for awhile about getting it set up properly. The current set up is messy and bothering me.

🖤 For people who’ve decided to tell me that my blog is rather depressing….suck my dick. No I don’t actually have a dick but still suck my dick. Mental health isn’t usually find with rainbows, unicorns and sunshine. It’s some hardcore shit. If you can’t handle deuces bitch.

🖤 I do have a few more light hearted post about my previous jobs. They won’t be as good as Wally World but they are still awesome.

🖤I am trying to catch up on everyone’s blogs and I’ve realized I’ve read a lot of them and forgot to hit the like button.

🖤 We are going to try and make this a great week.

🖤 If my post don’t have a copyright I got them from Google.

🖤

🖤Day 7🖤 10 favorite foods

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I know I should’ve posted this yesterday but I wasn’t feeling great. (I will talk about that in a different post)

My 10 favorite foods: I am going to try and not repeat the foods with different names.

🖤 Italian Deli Meats- Pancetta, Prosciutto, hard Salami, Pepperoni to name a few and I can eat them without bread or cheese just straight out of the bag while I’m watching tv or writing.

🖤 Cheese- Smoked Gouda, Havart (with dill), Gorgonzola, Brie, Blue Cheese….the list goes on I can also just eat these by themselves no extra effort needed.

🖤 Pizza- I could live off of pizzas if I knew I wouldn’t become severely overweight. I love any and all kinds except Hawaiian (never cares for pineapples) I can eat an entire large pizza in one sitting…. great now I want pizza.

🖤Cucumbers- Is there ever a bad time for cucumbers? I can go to the store and buy 5 or 6 of them and they may last two days. If I want to get creative I will take those, olives (next on my list) my deli meats and some cheeses to make an epic bowl of goodness.

🖤 Olives (black olives) I can eat them by themselves I like the green but prefer black olives. There is something about the tanginess and a bit bitter that I enjoy so much.

🖤 chocolate mint- Any and everything chocolate mint tastes so good. I prefer it with dark chocolate (the Hershey bars) but you can’t go wrong with a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. It is one of the few sweet foods I like

🖤 Steak- If I have extra money and want to go big balling I will buy steak. I will my steak still bleeding but not mooing. Filet tips are my favorite mix it in with a good sauce and sauté some mushrooms. It doesn’t get much better than that.

🖤 Risotto- Rosemary Brie from my favorite restaurant or any other kind I’m not picky. I wish I had the patience to make it, but I don’t so I just buy it from people who do. If you’ve never tried Risotto I would recommend it.

🖤 Pasta- Can you go wrong with a good lasagna some tortellinis filled with spinach. The answer is no you can’t go wrong with any type of pasta.

🖤Slim Jim’s and beef jerky- I’m not not fond of sweets. I, however LOVE slim Jim’s, almost every type of jerky.

These list are hard to do.

🖤Day 6 🖤 3 Personality Traits I am proud of (This feels like one of those worksheets your therapist make you do)

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3 personality traits I am proud of… this requires a semi optimistic view of yourself, this is not one of my stronger traits. I’ve spent all day thinking about this and I’ve come up with the following: (I googled this for some inspiration and realized they are just adjectives)

1.) Passionate- This would probably be my #1 choice. I am extremely passionate as you can tell by my post. I believe that we can make a huge difference in the world if we are all open and honest about where we’ve been. I absolutely love all of us weirdos and have determined that the more comfortable we are to tell our stories the bigger difference we can make. I also want to help people who aren’t ready to tell their stories. I want you to know that no matter we our community stands by and supports all of your decisions (the positive ones not anything that would cause harm to yourself or anyone else.) We will change the world!!!

2.) Resourceful- Anyone that knows me will tell you I am one of the most resourceful person they know. I can make anything happen just give me 2 hours. I know ways around bills, rules and sometimes laws. I’ve unfortunately been through some severe circumstances but I don’t regret them. It wouldn’t make me the person I was without it. If you can put gas in 2 trucks, pay a partial light bill that is 4 months late and they are about to turn it off, water bill that is on the cut off list with only $200 in less than an hour. I also believe this has something to do with how poor you are growing up I think being poor you learn from your parents how to survive the struggle. I am thankful that these situations aren’t as common before but I always keep these options in my back pocket.

3.) Extraordinary- We all have this trait it doesn’t matter what you are going through you are an extraordinary person. You walk around with this Black Plague that can engulf you and you do it. No matter how hard it is you try, even when your trying feels unbearable. You do it for yourself, you family, your children and sometimes when we feel we can’t anymore we are still extraordinary because we lived a life that some people couldn’t handle in a day. You are extraordinary and you are a beautiful soul. You got this shit and fuck people who say you can’t do it.

🖤🖤🖤🖤

🖤Day 5🖤 Guilty pleasures… yeah I hope you take me seriously after this one.

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Guilty pleasures: Yay for a funny post. I plan on doing a couple of these today.

1.) YouTube- I know everyone watches YouTube but I only watch a few people for the drama and pure entertainment. The more popular channels with the good drama. I follow those and will start following all of the videos to keep up.

2.) slim Jim’s and beef jerky- I can eat them all day long. They aren’t good for you but anytime I can get them I inhale them.

3.) Movies- There will be a separate post about this but I’m not allowed to watch certain movies because of triggers. When no one is around I will spend all day watching them. I know they are bad for me, but I love them.

4.) Dirty videos and websites- Do I really need to say what it is and go into further detail. Yep

5.) Music- Some of these new “artist” with their weird music and 15 minutes of fame. I love their music and jam out in my car to it. EVERYDAY! (That is a Spotify playlist you can’t see.)

I don’t believe in name dropping in my blogs for more views except that stupid bitch on E! who said anxiety wasn’t real. I took her picture from the TV and made in impulse post. I probably have more guilty pleasures I can’t think of right now.

🖤Earliest childhood memory🖤 Day 4 (parents should have a fund for therapy instead of college)

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My earliest childhood memory: I have quite a few.

The first one was when I was about 3 or 4 and I had one of those blow up punching bags that looked like a clown. I was outside playing with it and my mom told me to be careful since we were playing with the water hose and not to bring it back in the house, but I didn’t listen and I tried to walk up the small metal black steps and fell down popping my punching bag. I cried so hard but my dad bought me a new one.

When I was about 5 and my granny and granddaddy took me to the circus at a local gym area and we were riding back in their old box Chevy when “Black Velvet” came on and I remember falling in love with it. I sang it on the way back home and when we got back my sister told on me and I was told that was a bad song and I shouldn’t listen to it because I didn’t understand the lyrics.

Then there are the memories of people passing away. There was this doorway between the kitchen and living room in the mobile home I grew up in and I remember when family members would go to the hospital and my mom would rush in the doorway stand there and let out an exacerbated sigh. We knew what it meant. I saw so much death growing up it became a normal part of my life. When my dad died my mom had some neighbors pick us up from school they were watching “White men cant jump.” (I still can’t watch it) and playing Sonic 3. My mom called and told them to bring us home. My dad had an accident at work and he was supposed to come home that day, but when I ran in the house the hospital bed was empty and my mom was crying. I didn’t really cry instead I got peroxide for a splinter in my finger. I’ve never accepted death well.

I realize my childhood memories aren’t exciting but rather sad.

I have other ones of playgrounds black swings that were so hot it would burn the back of your legs, metal slides, sports, fires metal buckets cut in half, roasting marshmallows, my granny (even when her alcoholism got bad) picking from the garden, chasing my cousin down with the water hose, stealing matches and setting things on fire. My family was a bit fucked up (everyone has those stories) alcoholics, drug addicts, abuse, custody fights. You know the normal shit you grow up to tell your therapist.

Day 3- The meaning behind Bipolar Outcasts

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I live in the Bible Belt a small southern town filled with Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian churches. We ourselves are Baptists, but as I mentioned in the previous post we are extremely progressive. I did go to seminary for awhile and as much as I love God and his words it just wasn’t something that was meant for me. I do enjoy theology and learning about all different types of religion. I believe there are many paths to God so I am a bit alone in my beliefs. I openly support so many things that by my faith standards are unorthodox. I openly support gay marriage, believe strongly there is a gray area in abortions, and find my illness is not a sign of the devil inside me. We were taught at an early age that we don’t air our dirty laundry because of what the neighbors would think. It is a fucked up version of keeping up with The Jones. I tell you all of this for a reason, I by definition of everyone in my small town is an outcast. My husband being a deacon at the church and part of our city council has a strong appearance in the community so every time there is a function of any kind and pop up with my tattoos people stare, they are polite in my face and speak with me even when they don’t know what to say. I openly talk about my illness on my personal social media and don’t understand the problem with openly discussing my illness. If I had any other disease people would wear pins, have a ton of copy and share post (even if I despise them) but all I get are awkward stares and uncomfortable conversations to be polite. Fuck being polite I would much rather you just stay the fuck away from me. I am an outcast because I choose to be. My husband is my biggest fan and that to me is all that matters. He tells people about my crusade to bring suicide awareness, end the stigma on mental health, to make small town America more open to people like me. I want to change the world, but at the same time never lose the weird outcast I am because then I would no longer be me. I am a bipolar outcast.