Tag: 31 day blog challenge

🖤Day 20🖤 Where will I be in 10 years?

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I hope to have many accomplishments in the next 10 years my biggest thing is to still be alive. Surviving this illness is it’s own accomplishment so is being sober. I want to start there and from this point I want my blog to be an outlet to my book. I am hoping to finish the last of the series. It would be nice to have a good bit of money but beginning to leave my mark on the world is more important. I hope in 10 years to make an impact on the mental health community. I want to make a change for us and for the government and society to understand that we matter and our quality of life matters.

🖤Day 19🖤 – My worst habits

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This is a fairly easy one.

Picking- I have this one spot on my forehead I pick when I start to get upset or anxious. I guess it is kind of like biting your nails. I keep my nails really short so I don’t bite them.

Biting my lip and cheek- I have scars from biting them both. It isn’t a little nibble it is the same as chewing food. This is from anxiety. It is how I attempt to calm myself down without hurting myself badly.

Yawning- I yawn when I’m in uncomfortable situations. I make myself yawn. I don’t know why I do it is just a habit I have. I think it is to keep my mouth from talking and saying something I shouldn’t.

Interrupting people- When I’m on an up swing it is really bad. I’m easily irritable and if I think you are being too self centered I will just make you stop talking. If you are annoying in general I will cut you off or just walk away

Facial Expressions (RBC) – My face can keep no secrets. My husband gets onto me about this when we are at church or something for the city and people are talking to me. I just have this look that usually says shut up or I don’t care. When he nudges me I realize that I have went into a daze and stopped listening.

Swearing- Swearing to me is as normal saying the or they. It is a normal part of my vocabulary, I don’t even realize that I am swearing sometimes until someone points it out. There are swears then there are dirty words I try to avoid unless I am around certain people.

Bubble- Whenever I get really stressed out and need an escape I go to my book. I can live in my book and the scenarios I can resolve and parts I can enjoy. This causes me to lose touch with reality and get off schedule.

Knuckle popping- I think a lot of people have this problem. I love to crack my knuckles, pop my fingers or my jaw. I’ve heard it isn’t good for you but I love doing it.

Screenshots- I don’t know if this is necessary a bad habit but I will screenshot anything. If you want to come with something you better have your receipts to prove it. I enjoy screenshots even if I can’t read all of it then I can read it later if someone deletes it.

My phone- I have an extremely bad habit with my phone especially if people are talking to me. I constantly check it and if I am on messenger with my husband just stop talking.

🖤 Day 18🖤 What am I afraid of…..

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Things that scare me:

Psych hospital- I think once you’ve been to psych the idea of going back to psych scares you. It makes you overly cautious of what you say and do wondering how close you are to getting booty juiced again. When you are in hospital the world is working without you and when you come back out you forget where you fit in.

Relapsing- Everyone who struggles with any sort of addiction will tell you relapse is terrifying. You constantly think about your triggers and watch everything around you. It also sucks because you have to watch your actions among other people. People who may drag you down to where they are. It’s a never ending cycle.

Losing my husband and daughter- will I fuck up with the stuff above and that be his breaking point with me.

Suicide- What if it gets bad again and I’ve used up all of my 9 lives and this time it works.

My daughter being like me- I don’t want her to ever be like me, go through what I’ve been through. We know more now then we knew back then so we are better off but I know how much is heredity and it terrifies me.

🖤Day 17🖤 Favorite Book

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My favorite childhood book and still a favorite is “Bridge to Terabithia.” It later on in my life would serve a whole new meaning. I had comprehension issues when I was younger. I could read extremely fast I wasn’t able to comprehend things that were boring. My teacher called it selective comprehension. I just didn’t like books that were boring and wouldn’t read them. I like the books that I found interesting and that was it. Well in school that doesn’t work. I did my first book report on this book and I was so proud of myself. I cut a line out of the poster board for Jesse to run, got to use the hot glue gun to make a rope going across a river and a few other things. I was so proud of that poster and I think my teacher was just happy I didn’t make reading a book difficult. I have a copy and I gave it to my daughter to read. She said, “Mama I’ve seen the movie.” But the book is better. Usually the book is always better than the movie. This book would continue on to have a major impact in my life. I still read it from time to time and still get excited when Jesse races or sad at the end. It’s amazing how one little book could have such an impact on your life.

🖤 Day 16 🖤 My dream job

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If you haven’t kept up with anything to this point, my dream job is to be a writer. I wrote a story when I was 4 years old about why people shouldn’t do drugs. (I probably need to go back and read that again.) I wrote a lot of poetry over the years and long winded stories about some dramatic incident I made up in my head or something I was going through I needed to work on. There was always something to keep my interest. When I was 13 my mom bought a Brothers computer (Yeah how many people remember those.) It had no internet because there was none a few applications everything was in black and white, Tetris and a word processor. I had a stack of floppy disk with different color labels and secret word combinations so my mom wouldn’t know what was on them. I also password protected all of them and could still not tell you what the password was. This is where my dream of writing started. I would write a ton of different stories that I never finished, but I had a desk and computer in my room so officially I was a writer. I always wanted one of those lamps with the green glass on top of it like they had in movies for true professionals. I also had a three ring binder full of poems and stories along with an overflowing amount of notebooks.

When I was 13 or 14 I went to summer camp and brought my old worn out maroon five star binder full of cringeworthy teenage issue poems and one night two girls in my bunk got up and started reading them out loud as a joke. I cried. I took my work so seriously and that ripped my heart out. After that I became completely hidden in my work. I never let people read what I was writing for fear of that happening again. (I tell my daughter that girls are horrible people and it doesn’t get much better as they get older.)

So until now I’ve never really shared my writing. I am happy that I found a following and either you are enjoying it or finding amusement in my bad grammar and my odd content. When I was younger I always dreamed of being in Talk Shows going over the complex issues detailed in my book and I will but you will be the first with a signed copy.

🖤

🖤Day 15🖤 Timeline of my day

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My schedule is crucial for me to stay on track. Everyday has some sort of schedule or plan to it. If I don’t have structure I have chaos and no one needs chaos. I absolutely hate structure and having little freedom but it works to keep me going so I do it.

-I am up by 6:00 am

-bathroom first- I check my money, my blog, and my Instagram (in that order)

-I brush my teeth and get dressed

-leave for where I need to go

-eat lunch around 12:30

-leave there at 3:00

-I get home change clothes

-talk to my husband and daughter

-wash my clothes

-take a shower

-watch TV

-medicine is at 7:30

-In bed by 9:30

This is almost everyday except on my days off. It looks like this
-I am up by 7:30

-bathroom first- I check my money, my blog, and my Instagram

-I brush my teeth

-Watch TV

-eat

-procrastinate

-check blogs and social media

-start post and never finish them

-pick my daughter

– watch TV

-procrastinate more

-talk to my husband and daughter

-watch TV

-medicine at 7:30

-bed by 9:30

Super exciting stuff right?!?! I have a better blog that describes my feelings about this coming soon.

🖤DAY 14🖤 What’s in my bag

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This will be a long post because of all the pictures, but this is what is in my bag.

My actual bag. It is from Flipped Bird and it is reversible. I have way too much stuff in it but I love this bag. I’ve had this bag for almost 6 years and it ha shelf strong. I also have a matching headband.

This wallet was given to me by a friend. I’ve had it for almost 6 months and I’m obsessed with it. It is made by Papaya Art. It has 12 card slots two pockets and a coin pouch. I love wallets and I usually switch them out but I’ve held on to this one the longest.

This is my dirty Clinique bag. I’ve had it for years. I used to buy Clinique just to get the samples. In order to keep my bag from being completely unorganized. I’ve washed this bag I don’t know how many times but it is stained now.

I just got this from Amazon. It isn’t exactly what I thought it was going to be. I started towards the end of the year so that way I can try and use it for a whole year. I am not good at managing my money at all. So I am hoping this helps.

Ipsy bag number 1. I have a few of these in my purse. I am obsessed with small bags. I have a ton under my bathroom sink. I keep all of my receipts in here. I don’t really do much with them at the end of the month, but it keeps my purse clean.

Ipsy bag number 2. This is where I hold my gold. My collection of pens. Why do I have so many pens in my bag…. because why not. As you could tell from my jury duty shenanigans they came in very handy when I got bored. I don’t like to ever be without a pen. You never know when a good idea may come along.

My daily planner. My life has to be organized otherwise there is mass chaos. I bought it at CVS.

Ipsy bag number 3. This is where I keep medicine. I always have ibuprofen, Benadryl, tums, Peptobismol, Midol, tissue, hand sanitizer. like to go anywhere and not be prepared in case something happens.

This isn’t much fun. This is for my glasses but all that is there is cleaner because I can’t keep my glasses clean to save my life.

This is my gift card holder and miscellaneous small things. It also serves as emergency items if I ever need to go to the bathroom.

You can find these for a dollar and in a pinch it helps calm me down and refocus my mind. I bought this during jury duty and keep using it in emergency situations.

This is my blog keeper and my to do list. This is part of how I stay organized with my blog and Instagram.

Last but not least my keys. Everyone probably has keys in their bag or somewhere near by because that is how we go places.

This is the not exciting items in my bag. I am simple in almost everything except my moods and the rest of my life.🖤🖤

🖤Day 13🖤 Favorite quotes

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Today is favorite quotes. I think it said quote, but I don’t have just one so it will be quotes🖤

🖤 “After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” Aldous Huxley. -We all need silence to calm down or to focus, but when the silence is overwhelming music will soothe your soul. Over the years especially with my illness music ends up being my only refuge.

🖤 “But I don’t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.” – Aldous Huxley. This is actually on my blog page. I want a challenge in my life I don’t want to live comfortably. I want to step outside my boundaries and do something that will either cause me to fly or fall and I’m writing it right now. I am too creative and smart to lead a normal life. I was meant to do something extraordinary.

🖤“Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous” – Albert Einstein

🖤 “Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”~ T.E. Lawrence

🖤“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”-Maria Robinson

🖤 “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

🖤 “It’s the village girl who will change the world”. – Kelly Cutrone Don’t worry I’m finally on my way. I am coming out the gate running strong.

🖤“Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.” – Tupac Shakur

🖤 “Everybody’s at war with different things…I’m at war with my own heart sometimes.” ― Tupac Shakur I feel this everyday. I am feel like I am always struggling with my heart and conscience everyday.

🖤 “You gotta be able to smile through the bullshit.” – Tupac Shakur

🖤 “Trust your own judgement, live with it and love it.” – Nas

🖤Day 12🖤 If I won the lottery

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That sounds so nice if I won the lottery. I think of all that money but when I become a famous author (because it will happen dammit) what I would do with the money. (Definitely not do a Scrooge McDuck into the money because as family guy taught us it won’t work.) I am not a materialistic person so this probably won’t be very interesting. I wouldn’t buy houses and cars.

🖤Do a happy dance probably nekkid with money/check/ticket around the house.

🖤Start my own foundation for mental health that provides none profit care for people who can’t afford proper care and the homeless that need medication. Good low cost to free services so people can get the treatment they deserve because all of us deserve a chance for treatment. I am currently working on starting a non profit now.

🖤Donate to my church- This crazy progressive Baptist loves her church. I am 4th generation at my church my daughter a 5th generation and they’ve been a HUGE SUPPORT system throughout everything we’ve been through with no judgment and all the help in the world. We aren’t one of those big fancy churches just an old small baptist church. The church needs some work and I would love to be able to help them.

🖤 My husband and daughter- My husband has sacrificed so much for his family. This year was the first time in over 11 years he got a truck with working AC, less than 200,000 (it only has 70,000) and all of the different parts work. We aren’t rich people but something this simple for him has made his business and life so much easier. (He owns his on detail business) He worked 2 jobs when I lost mine working more than 90 hours in a week sometimes. He’s paid for me to be a stay at home mom for awhile and for me to have a good car. He’s always made sure I had a newer car with low miles and was good and reliable so I can go back and forth and he knows that I and our daughter are safe. I would take what I needed from the money and give the rest to him and our daughter.

🖤 My close friends- The friends who are closest to me the ones I can call and text at anytime the ones who would drop anything for me. I would give them whatever they want. I know that I’m difficult to deal with but they’ve always taken care of me so I would take care of them.

🖤My editor- He isn’t my final editor but he’s helped get this book going and tried to keep me on a schedule. (It doesn’t work) He’s put so much time in the book and that’s time away from his beautiful family. I know they are very humble and simple people and probably wouldn’t take it but I would give them everything I could.

This is why me winning the lottery isn’t interesting. I wouldn’t go splurge on anything (maybe a couple of Macs) but that’s it. That’s why people like me don’t win the lottery. I’m not a greedy or materialistic.

🖤Day 5🖤 Mental Health Week- Bipolar Disorder

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Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.

Bipolar Disorder Overview

Bipolar disorder, with its extreme mood swings from depression to mania, used to be called manic depressive disorder. Bipolar disorder is very serious and can cause risky behavior, even suicidal tendencies, and can be treated with therapy and medication.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.

People who have bipolar disorder can have periods in which they feel overly happy and energized and other periods of feeling very sad, hopeless, and sluggish. In between those periods, they usually feel normal. You can think of the highs and the lows as two “poles” of mood, which is why it’s called “bipolar” disorder.

What Causes Bipolar Disorder?

There is no single cause. Genes, brain changes, and stress can all play a role.

Researchers are studying how these factors may contribute to the development of bipolar disorder.

How Is Bipolar Disorder Diagnosed?

If you or someone you know has symptoms of bipolar disorder, talk to your family doctor or a psychiatrist. They will ask questions about mental illnesses that you, or the person you’re concerned about, have had, and any mental illnesses that run in the family. The person will also get a complete psychiatric evaluation to tell if they have likely bipolar disorder or another mental health condition.”

Diagnosing bipolar disorder is all about the person’s symptoms and determining whether they may be the result of another cause (such as low thyroid, or mood symptoms caused by drug or alcohol abuse). How severe are they? How long have they lasted? How often do they happen?

The most telling symptoms are those that involve highs or lows in mood, along with changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.

Talking to close friends and family of the person can often help the doctor distinguish bipolar disorder from major depressive (unipolar) disorder or other psychiatric disorders that can involve changes in mood, thinking, and behavior.

Bipolar Disorder and Suicide

Some people who have bipolar disorder may become suicidal.

Learn the warning signs and seek immediate medical help for them:

• Depression (changes in eating, sleeping, activities)

• Isolating yourself

• Talking about suicide, hopelessness, or helplessness

• Acting recklessly

• Taking more risks

• Having more accidents

• Abusing alcohol or other drugs

• Focusing on morbid and negative themes

• Talking about death and dying

• Crying more, or becoming less emotionally expressive

• Giving away possessions