This is my life. I don’t want to feel anything right now. I’ve had a rough day and I want to shut everything out of my mind especially the bad feelings and the want to numb the pain I am in. It is so hard to deal with this shit today. I am finished for the night.
I needed this today and I hoped it help someone else. It’s so hard to deal with life and all the shit going on around me and I can control it and it is killing me and I keep feeling that I am letting everyone down no matter how hard I try and when I try to tell people they act like I am asking for attention but I’m not I am asking for someone to listen to me and understand that I am not okay and I want you to listen because you want to not because you have to.
Everything is a challenge for me. My illness is a challenge and it has done a lot to change me but recently everything that I hold resent has changed me and I don’t know what to do. I am faced with all of these challenges but I can’t figure out how to make the best better. I sometimes like the challenge because it makes me feel like I am almost human that I could possibly function like other people then I am reminded I am not like other people. I have a curse/gift (depends on the day.) that will forever make me different from everyone else. I don’t always like to be reminded of it. I really hope I make something out of this next year. Cheers to hope and wishes.
I needed something uplifting after the day I had. I am so stressed out with everything happening around me. I haven’t had a chance to update everything the way I wanted to. I need a vacation from everything. I am trying to figure out how to manage everything and be there for people emotionally, mentally and physically but it is so hard. I can only be a good support system for so long before I collapse and need you more than you needed me. I am trying to do better drinking more water but it isn’t helping at all. I need guidance over this next year on exactly what I should do. I feel like I am lost completely.
This is overly optimistic even for me. I have no idea again as to what the fuck I am doing. I believe I am going to do great things in 2019 and I am fighting my anxiety as much as possible. I am trying to find the positives and today was just hard to do.
*Short update*
I used to let it destroy me. It was the reason I went back to the pills and self medicating because it was so much easier than handling my pain. I also let my illness define me, it was my identity my name, my accomplishments didn’t matter I was nothing else but bipolar. After everything I am finally using my hardship and struggles to happen inspire others so hopefully they don’t end up in the same place I did.
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This is overly optimistic even for me. I feel like these quotes keep repeating themselves. Can you tell I need affirmation that I am doing the right thing or that this is what I am supposed to do? I have no idea what I am supposed to do, but I will never know until I try and I assume since all of you are still following and liking this that you are enjoying me and my posts. I waited too long to start this and even though I feel like I am failing one way or another I know I was never meant for a 9-5 job. I am too creative for everyday life, but how do I expand from here. ANY AND ALL SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOMED.
This seems almost impossible. It feels like every time I take one step forward with my new resources I am kicked back because of something. It seems once I get in a groove of posting on time and then something happens and I get thrown off again. I can’t seem to get steady. I don’t post for days and then I post over 20 and then silent again. If anyone has any ideas on how to make this more consistent I am up to listening for suggestions. I really want to make this successful and try to work it out where this is my job but again I have no idea what in the hell I am doing. I will keep on with these and the chronicles to see if I get somewhere?????
My medicine is self explanatory. It keeps getting updated though because of my sleep so as you notice the pills have changed and this is in a couple of months. I have an entire post dedicated to this coming soon. My new and old meds.
Sometimes it be like that when I’m not here as much as I should be and I shouldn’t do anymore of these damn challenges because it pisses me off. I have a bunch of catch up blogs I’m working on just bear with me. I’ll be back in action.
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 