Tag: aggression

🖤 Weekly Update 9 🖤

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Here it goes:

– I have no diet…. It has completely fallen apart like my moods and everything else around me. The only thing I can say is considered to be losing weight is the fact my anxiety is so bad I’m not hungry and have bubble guts all the time.

-No soda- I had water almost our entire trip (besides orange and cranberry juice. Lemonade, and Gatorade. I have this usual give up when we go on vacation because it is my cheat time, but I didn’t this time. YAY!!!!!

-I have felt so horrible with all the new meds added and then upping my dosage but nothing has changed.

– I am really starting to research hypnotherapy or something like it. All of my dreams follow around the same building and I don’t know why. It has nothing to do with what happened to me or anything else I can remember. This store closed when I was maybe 17.

-We went on vacation and then a day trip this week. I will blame it on that as to why I haven’t posted but it is just because my brain doesn’t work right lately.

-I am trying to make myself write something everyday even if it isn’t important or no way related to my blog.

-I am done with the challenges for awhile after this month. It is too much to keep up with and I feel like it is taking away from the other purposes of this blog. I will however, finish these challenges even if it makes my brain explode.

-I am making a list of mental health related blog topics.

– I am currently obsessed with the game Choices on my phone. It is like my alternate reality. I keep tagging them on Instagram hoping to get a sponsored add.

– If you don’t already please follow my Instagram I update it regularly.

-It is almost the holiday season and with that comes family entertainment which is never a dull moment.

-My dream is to have blogs set up to automatically post. (This is a big dream I will eventually accomplish.)

-I am currently obsessed with The Office and binge watching it on Netflix makes me happy.

-Thank you to everyone who is being patient with me through this time. I have a good content coming soon.

-My book is still where I left it. I want to work on everything but I feel like my brain will explode soon.

Until next week

Photo Day 16 A genuine smile

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I love this picture mostly because it is genuine and it is the only genuine smile I ever had in years. This picture coincidentally happened in 2015 when everything in my life went to shit. (see previous posts) This was right after the overdose before my baptism, exorcism and medical induced manic, schizophrenic, paranoid episodes. This was before I hit a new level of rock bottom. I was happy right there. I thought I was making everything better but rock bottom came after.

The man you didn’t have to be.

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This is a picture of us at our high school graduation when you proposed to me in a crowded gymnasium smelling of musk and overpriced cologne. We graduated in a class of less than 100, but you waited until the end and as the band played pomp and circumstance out of tune echoing across the room you stopped everyone and called me back on stage and in front of over 300 people you proposed to me. People still talk about it to this day and they remember that baby faced young man profess is love on that stage to a young woman he’d known since they were 12 and started dating 3 years prior. If only we knew then what a whirlwind we would into 18 years later.

Thank you for the man you didn’t have to be. Thank you for staying when others would’ve left. You took care of everything when I couldn’t. You ran the house and raised our daughter like a single parent when I was too depressed, manic, high or all of the above. You cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, kept me as together as possible, called work every time I overdosed and told them why I couldn’t come in that day, or the days I was too depressed to get out of bed. You were polite for the weeks to months I didn’t shower, brush my teeth or have any personal hygiene finding the nicest way possible to tell me I needed one even when I got angry every time you did. You told me I was beautiful even though I hadn’t showered or changed clothes in weeks. You drove me to the hospital, doctors, countless trips to the pharmacy. You always worried (and still do) about me being home by myself and had people “check on me” even though you played dumb. The times I know you texted and held your breath waiting for me to reply and the bit of relief you had when you saw those few gray dots on the screen. Thank you for being my conscience and guiding me from potentially severe actions that could’ve killed me. I know you cried every time I tried to kill myself even though you got stern with me to make me understand and what was happening…I never understood. You stood through 5 years of tears, anger, frustration, concern, being afraid and completely helpless of everything going on around you to get to this point.

5 long years of dealing with me at my worst you finally get me at a better point. The point where I am able to help you cook, clean and pay bills. You aren’t a single parent anymore trying to run a household while I’m destroying everything in my path. I have personal hygiene now and I function like everyone else. I still have my moments but after 5 years of dealing with me at rock bottom you stayed beside me and I raise from dust and learn to become a person again and not a statistic of my illness you hold my hand and you love me. You did something that very few people if anyone would have ever done. When others said I was too much and they couldn’t deal with me on top of everything else. You made me a priority even with taking care of our daughter. I can only hope she finds someone who is half the man you didn’t have to be but I’m so thankful you are. I love you!!!

AFSP OUT OF THE DARKNESS WALK 11/4/18 (kind of a long post but great pictures and videos attached)

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This year makes 3 years I’ve participated in the walk. This one meant more.

For one year:

I was sober.

I stopped drinking soft drinks

I stopped self medicating

I found a healthier outlet for my problems

I wasn’t suicidal

I learned how not to be selfish

I learned how much I hurt the people around me when I was self medicating.

Wayne doesn’t have to worry about me being at home by myself.

Wayne doesn’t have to worry about that phone call.

I finally let go and let God.

I learned how to love myself. 🖤

I learned I am worth it.

I’m trying to be the mother my daughter needs me to be.

Cami wants to be with me.

She doesn’t worry as much

I let go of toxic people.

I learned boundaries.

I’m amazed by the support that has always been around me and I hope to help them the way they helped me.

I had an event to raise awareness of suicide.

I raised $667 😮😃

I started a blog bipolaroutcasts.com (self promo)

I have a fairly large Instagram following.

People know what’s caused so much pain in my heart and I’m finally open about the struggle I’ve dealt with the last 5 years.

I’m becoming the advocate for mental health and suicide I wanted to be.

My voice will be heard and we will make a change to the way the world sees us.

🖤Forever a fighter🖤

They give us beads for different meanings and when they told us to hold up our green beads for people who struggle you can hear me crying because I’ve fought so fucking hard to make it here and survived times when I probably should’ve died. The horrible things I did when I was high, manic or in a depression so deep I didn’t know if I wanted a way out that wasn’t death. I was so angry and hated watching people function without worried about triggers, mood swings, psychosis or how much you learn to hate yourself because you feel like you did something horrible to have this. It took 5 years for me to see the other side and that my life wouldn’t always be grayscale. It’s been a long year but I made it.

Bipolar Schizophrenia psychosis vs. Hollywood film industry’s version of “Horror films”

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Let’s start with this none of these “Horror Films” actually scare me but they do mess with my brain. I don’t do blood, guts and gore just because my stomach can’t handle it, but as far as movies like The Conjuring, The Nun movies like that I love watching them not because it scares me but it starts to make me about paranoid. I think a lot of them have good story lines and I enjoy them but they do mess with my head especially with my dreams. There isn’t anything in any of these movies that are scarier then what is already in my head and if filmmakers want some seriously fucked up shit I am willingly to share it with them for the right price. People seem to enjoy these types of fucked up things.

Here is what happens; I watch/listen to the movies and don’t think much of it meanwhile the man finds this as ammunition to use later. He takes the images and distorts them into something that no person who has never experienced these, could ever write about. I struggle everyday with dreams and I know I am making it worse on myself tonight. My dreams are already fucked up. The man started talking to me yesterday and I wonder if he is egging this on right now. He isn’t a good person the man. So let’s see what happens tomorrow.

🖤Day 31 🖤 Weird Quirk of Mine

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First let me say I DID IT!!!! All 31 days it was challenging at times but I did learn something’s about myself in the process.

Ok…. weird quirks of mine. My illness does that count??

~ I bite my lip when I get anxious

– I hear voices and sounds all the time

– I hallucinate almost every night

– I can swallow multiple pills at once

– When my anxiety gets really bad and I start to hear the man I pace back and forth talking to myself

– I can’t take Ativan which is odd

– I am terrified of heights

– If you start to tickle me it turns into an anxiety attack

– I can’t hide in places because of anxiety

– I have crippling anxiety

– I don’t like to use the word hate it is a waste of an emotion

– I can’t stop swearing it is part of my everyday activity

That’s it unless you want me to go through everything with my illness

It’s been real 31 day challenge

🖤

Why deciding not to have more children is not a selfish thing and you shouldn’t shame people who make this decision.

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I have an 11 year old daughter. She has deep red auburn hair with my smile her daddy’s nose and the best of both of us. She is our heart and I can’t imagine life without her, but she is an only child for a reason.

It is rude to ask people who have one child when they are having more because it may not be in the cards for other people.  You should never ask someone this question or any question relative to people having children it is tacky.

Anyway my husband and I have been together since we were 16 and he had a shitty home life and had to take care of his younger brothers so he didn’t even know if he wanted children.  We decided after we got married and spent some time with our friend’s children that we weren’t necessary going to try, but if it happened then it did. All of friends said it took them around 6 months to get pregnant and since I knew nothing about getting pregnant or being pregnant I said we have time, but a month and half later we found I was pregnant. The way we found out was kind of awesome it was on my husband’s birthday. We were so excited and when we found out it was a girl my husband had tears in his eyes. I had a fairly easy pregnancy but at 8 weeks they told me I was more than likely going to have a miscarriage because my uterus wasn’t growing and back pain. I was about 2 weeks passed due when I had her naturally (I refused drugs which is a personal choice everyone is different) I couldn’t breastfeed and we went through a list of formulas for her.

She wasn’t an easy baby. She had colic and never slept while I was dealing with Post-Partum issues even when I denied it. There are parts of her life as a baby and toddler I can remember clearly, but when she was young I was diagnosed and our thought s about another child were gone.

It is amazing even when people knew about my illness they said it was selfish for me to use my illness as an excuse for not having another child. It isn’t selfish don’t ever tell anyone that it is a selfish decision it is for the safety of myself and the child. I talked to my doctor and all the meds I’m on aren’t safe to take while you are pregnant so I would have to wean myself off of those onto something not as strong to take while I was pregnant and then there were increase chances of miscarriages followed by the let’s hope the meds work. If I ever became manic or depressed and no one was around I could’ve easily killed myself or the baby. I also didn’t want to expose this child to the predisposition of having any of these illnesses because there are genetic factors with each one of them, but even with that would I ever change my mind about my daughter? I would love to say no, but I honestly don’t know. I see it in her the things she does like when I was younger and I worry she has it too. She’s seen child psychologist before about her anxiety, but I see her mood, here re/ actions to things and it was just like me and I pray that she isn’t cursed with it too. As a parent all you want to do is protect your child from everything but to know that I could’ve gave her something so serious hurts. I don’t want her to be like me, to go down the same roads I went down (I am hoping that if she is that my knowledge of everything will help.) She always says she wants to be like me but I don’t want her to be like me. I love her more than anything else in this world, but I never want to see her suffer through this shit.

The decision not to have more children was mostly mine and my husband supports and respects my decision, but don’t ever tell someone their reason for not having children is selfish because you don’t know the whole story. So I decided to not have any more children because of my mental health.