This was hard to do because I don’t like photos that were arranged I think good pictures should be random because random is amazing. The picture I really want use I can’t because of the place I go. So I dug through all of my pictures to find something that is mildly arranged. It took me awhile to find but it is coffee and donuts so yay!!!!
So I’ve tried not to be cliche’ on these challenges because everyone will say something like the day I got married, when my child was born, a job promotion but not me because I like it weird. This memory is me helping my husband clean a boat after he finally let me come home last year. I was still detoxing, felt horrible and this day was supposed to be the two of us spending the day together and work on some of things for me to a.) not go back to the hospital b.) able to stay home c.) make our marriage work d.) realize that the world can’t keep revolving around me…. you get the point but he had a last minute call for a job and he needed to take it so he left. I was sitting at home by myself detoxing feeling like complete and utter shit not just because I was coming off a manic drug induced high – getting kicked out of the house – wanting to pop more pills issue but I was looking forward to this time with him and I proudly did the opposite of what I would normally do which is get high and I called him to ask if I could come help him. You could hear the shock in his voice when I asked of course he said yes and texted me the address. I went over with headphones I shop vac and started cleaning a boat. We didn’t talk but I did see him look at me a few times and smile; I knew then that I listened to right part of my head the part that was almost sober and all I wanted to do after that was prove that I’d changed and I could be a better person more importantly a better example for my daughter. I look at this day even though it was something so simple it changed my outlook on everything.
I know why would I be grateful about the word suicide but I am. I am grateful for the word suicide because it has taught me so much about myself, my struggles, my courage and how to love someone especially myself.
How does that work? Well in my case I had to try it a bunch of times and it not work for me to realize how much that word impacted so many people. They say we give a word power but do we really give it power? It is powerful in itself because it’s something that we lose power of ourselves to get to this point in our life. We can say the word but being there makes every word powerful. What do you think? 
I love pictures of clouds and sunsets/rises. Every time we go to the beach I get up early and watch the sun rise. We are all close to heavens reach even though it seems so far away. 
Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.
This year makes 3 years I’ve participated in the walk. This one meant more.
For one year:
I was sober.
I stopped drinking soft drinks
I stopped self medicating
I found a healthier outlet for my problems
I wasn’t suicidal
I learned how not to be selfish
I learned how much I hurt the people around me when I was self medicating.
Wayne doesn’t have to worry about me being at home by myself.
Wayne doesn’t have to worry about that phone call.
I finally let go and let God.
I learned how to love myself. 🖤
I learned I am worth it.
I’m trying to be the mother my daughter needs me to be.
Cami wants to be with me.
She doesn’t worry as much
I let go of toxic people.
I learned boundaries.
I’m amazed by the support that has always been around me and I hope to help them the way they helped me.
I had an event to raise awareness of suicide.
I raised $667 😮😃
I started a blog bipolaroutcasts.com (self promo)
I have a fairly large Instagram following.
People know what’s caused so much pain in my heart and I’m finally open about the struggle I’ve dealt with the last 5 years.
I’m becoming the advocate for mental health and suicide I wanted to be.
My voice will be heard and we will make a change to the way the world sees us.
🖤Forever a fighter🖤
They give us beads for different meanings and when they told us to hold up our green beads for people who struggle you can hear me crying because I’ve fought so fucking hard to make it here and survived times when I probably should’ve died. The horrible things I did when I was high, manic or in a depression so deep I didn’t know if I wanted a way out that wasn’t death. I was so angry and hated watching people function without worried about triggers, mood swings, psychosis or how much you learn to hate yourself because you feel like you did something horrible to have this. It took 5 years for me to see the other side and that my life wouldn’t always be grayscale. It’s been a long year but I made it. 
This again is from the walk. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts and I quickly learned they don’t have a great breakfast options besides donuts. I ordered a bacon egg and cheese bagel without the egg. I can’t eat eggs like that it tears my stomach up every time. The bagel was a little crispy and there were burnt pieces on my hash browns but it was enough to tide me over until we went and ate lunch/dinner. I wouldn’t recommend breakfast there ever. 
This is my new favorite picture from the walk. (It may show up a few more times) my green sticky note is for my personal struggle. This is tattooed on the back of my neck and still stands true. I will fight for my life everyday until it’s my time. My daughters sticky note is right above it and it means so much that she cares so deeply about this. Out of all the up close pictures this one is unique and full of sentimental value.
Here is the link some of you asked for to donate to my walk! It is on Sunday in Atlanta Georgia!! It is for a good cause!
https://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/1591896
Fake it until you make it with your moods right? If you talk to me you could never tell how miserable I actually am and I don’t know if that is a perk or not. I guess it just depends on what day it is. When people tell you. “Oh my gosh you are bipolar I can’t tell.” It is annoying because you can’t look at someone and tell if they are bipolar and we don’t wear a big sign that says, “Hey I’m bipolar judge me.” It’s easier to joke or talk to someone else about their problems then try to get into the complex version that is mine. I had an anxiety attack around 1:00 pm. I had to message someone that I was locked in a handicap bathroom stall but I’m okay so don’t call 911. I hate when they call 911 every time I have a panic/anxiety attack. I’m learning to do it without meds but it is frustrating and it makes me more anxious so basically everything just keeps getting worse. It took me a little more than an hour to calm down enough to leave the bathroom. I’m still coming down from it. When you take a pill it ends fairly quickly but not without meds. I took a Benadryl (it doesn’t help) but I braved a face for the rest of the afternoon and fell apart when I got in my car. When I told someone that was with me what happened they didn’t know what to say, no one ever knows what to say besides you’ve been in a good mood all day. I don’t know how to explain it to people. So I just fake it until I make it or completely fall apart. We’ll see which one comes first.
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 