Tag: anxiety

You are worthy of wanting something more

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 I always knew this, but I have never had the courage or the want to do something new. I am terrified of failure and of any consequences from telling my story. I have so many skeletons in my closet that the door can barely shut. There are so many stories about me that other people can tell even though they aren’t told correctly. I decided when I started this to leave a large portion of stories out to protect people though most of them don’t deserve protecting. I just feel like they are entitled to their part of the story also I know some of them have children and I don’t think their wrong doings is my business to tell them.  I would want the same respect though I don’t think any of them want to talk about anything that happened. I like to believe that people change and who they were 5 or 10+ years ago isn’t who they are today. I hope they have bettered themselves and I know they are living with the guilt of their decisions. So here it goes these are the stories of my life both good and bad even though they don’t deserve it.

Bipolar Chronicles- medication

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I made a list of every anti psychotic, antidepressant, anxiety, mood stabilizer I could think of and when I hit 20 I just stopped because I know how high the number will get then there is how many different doses of that medication I was on. PLEASE DO NOT MAKE COMMENTS TO PEOPLE ABOUT HOW MUCH MEDICINE THEY TAKE. THERE IS NO SHAME IN TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. I can remember most of them and I have listed it for you below. My medication process has been horrible. I have gone through 3 different insurance companies and with none for awhile. I do realize that this medication works better with therapy but I don’t like therapy so I just take meds. It may not seem like a lot 20 different prescriptions but really it is, see each one wasn’t a time shot and that was it we went back and forth on dosage over and over again when that one stopped working we weaned off of it onto another one. It is a never ending cycle of figuring out which ones work together and then praying that you don’t build a tolerance for it. Per the FDA I am maxed out on the medication I am currently on so if stuff starts to change I have to go through the process again and I hate weaning myself off of medication especially benzos. The pain of withdrawals to me is like someone slowly pulling off toe nails. Every medicine has a story and a memory those benzodiazepines are going to have the best stories.

  1. Lexapro– I despise this medication. I think it should be taken off the market it is absolutely horrible and my psychiatrist from the Psychiatric hospital who diagnosed me incorrectly was a pill pusher and every time I told him I felt worse he kept upping the fucking dose. When I stopped seeing him I just stopped taking it all together which made me manic. You will see a manic trend continue. When I stopped taking it he in a mere 2 months had me taking 50 mg a day and we started at 10 mg. He was an asshole and a pill pusher. I was suicidal the entire time I was on the medication and my doctor just didn’t listen or care he kept trying to put me back in the hospital. This entire time with Lexapro was extremely emotionally and mentally exhausting. I was just diagnosed so everything felt like a nightmare.
  2. Klonopin- I started again at .25 mg and ended at 4 mg because it just stopped working. I started abusing benzodiazepine with these.
  3. Xanax– This is going to be a long and emotional journey. Klonopin and Valium didn’t work and yes I took them together and he prescribed .25 mg Xanax take as needed. Who knew it would start a 5 year journey with dependency and addiction. There will be an entire blog dedicated to my Xanax issues. .25 mg came to 2 mg ir and 2 mg er. You don’t ask to be addicted to anything. I never took Xanax and said, “This is fun lets fuck the rest of my life, money and almost my job to my benzodiazepine issues.” If you think that is how it works kindly go fuck yourself with cactus.
  4. Ativan- I can’t take Ativan it makes me manic. I have Ativan to thank for the hospital visit. I went to the ER for anxiety and they gave me Ativan it was on a Friday by the time Monday came around my husband was exhausted trying to keep my ass out of trouble. There are stories and some are really funny like “sleeping” and jumping up running around naked, trying to leave and naked to go to work. I also called my boss consistently from about 2 am to 4:30 am to tell them I wouldn’t be at work the next day. (They knew that already but I apparently didn’t know that part.) They did play along until my husband took my phone away. These are the same reasons I can’t Ambien, (the ambien was not legally prescribed to me.)
  5. Halcion- These tiny blue fuckers were my absolutely favorite to overdose on. They are strong sedative and I never actually took the FDA recommend dosage when I had them. I had .5 mg and would take 4 or 5 at a time because being numb felt better then anything else.
  6. Haldol- This was a temp medicine in 2015 when I was having psychosis issues. It works but kind of zombie me out. I was in a drug induced psychosis.
  7. Restoril- Helps me sleep. It is a sedative. I’ve been on it for about a year now and when I run out and CVS won’t fill it because they suck. I can feel the differences.
  8. Lamictal– Old faithful; Lamictal and I have a long history together but it’s been the only medicine consistently helped with my moods (especially now since I take as directed.) I’ve been on Lamictal for about 3 years maybe a little longer. I started at 25 mg and now I am at 400 mg. When you face start Lamictal they tell you if you get a rash you need to go the ER immediately because it can eat flesh or some fucked up shit. When I tried to die by suicide in 2015 I would go days without taking my Lamictal and then I would take 600 to 700 mg at one time. The fact that after any of these stories I am still alive is amazing. So your mood stabilizer doesn’t work if you don’t take it correctly. It’s been good to me though and as it keeps working I will keep with it but the day it isn’t weaning myself off of it will be a bitch.
  9. Lithium- It was like having the fucking flu. It made me feel horrible. I tried it for a short while at a small dose but I had bad reaction.
  10. Seroquel- Started off with a low dose 2 years ago and now I am maxed out at 700 mg. You can get high from it (don’t get high) and it is the only thing that helps me sleep.
  11. Fanapt- Antipsychotic never worked kept it because of insurance causes memory lapses and is some strange shit.
  12. Geodon– This was a very short lived medication. This medicine had something to do with the “Affordable Care Act” which is pure bullshit. I paid $125 a month and it didn’t cover my doctor and the majority of medication. We had to adjust meds to they would be covered by the insurance company even with insurance I was still paying over $120 a month for medicine. My dr is awesome because I lived off samples for about 6 months. Geodon didn’t work. It was a crappy medicine that I had to be weaned off of to start a new one.
  13. Thorazine- These pills are currently my new best friend. I have so many problems with dreams and they have helped and been a major improvement to my sleep and dreams.
  14. Valium- It was good for snorting and that was about it.
  15. Trazadone- My fucked up asshole hospital psychiatrist prescribed these with Lexapro because he is an idiot. I seriously think he printed out a degree from online because it takes a true idiot to prescribe medication the way he did.
  16. Nuvigil– It taste horrible. It doesn’t matter if you have water in your mouth and when you swallow. It is for people with narcolepsy. They gave it to me to help wake me up because it is so hard for me to go to sleep. I used to take it with 3 20 ounce Redbulls and then I kept dealing with manic and psychosis issues.
  17. Provigil- See Nuvigil same thing dosage of 500 mg mixed it with energy drinks fucked up my brain. I also want to point out that I am not responsible with medication.
  18. Risperdal- Don’t remember much about it. This is one of the transitional medications because of insurance.
  19. Latuda- This medicine was prescribed to me because of insurance reasons. I was on it for a couple of months until my insurance changed again. I didn’t like it and
  20. Prazosin- I am on this for the second time the first time I was on a 5 mg dose with Lexapro and Klonopin, Now my smart dr has me on 2 mg to help with nightmares. They also give it to men with with prostate issues. It kind of works but I think the other pills with it make it better.

If you made it through the medicine history then you know this is just the tip of the iceberg for psychological medications. Every medicine is different depending on the person but this is my “LEGALLY” prescribed medication. I would love to hear you stories too.

Bipolar Chronicles – Foreword

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I will start with this and even as conceded as it sounds it is the truth. I was not meant to live an ordinary life and I honestly haven’t. I was never meant to work a 9-5 and have a simple life. There were gifts given to me writing and this illness. This illness is a struggle everyday but I found my voice to help others and so here I am in the early morning hours so excited to get this started. I know there will be a piece of me in every topic that hurts to remember even the terrible horrible awful thing I’ve mentioned before (but that one may take a bit longer to write.) I also know that this can change my entire life but I am willing to risk it. When I talk about people unless it is my husband or Tater they won’t be assigned a name or a gender. It is to protect those people even if I feel like they don’t need to be protected. I may quote people that will make you stop reading or not be able to take me seriously, but sometimes these quotes sit well with me for different reasons. There is a method to my madness and I hope you can follow along.

These aren’t in any particular order some of them randomly appear as they come to mind. There is so much I want to say and putting it all in words is hard. I know it might anger or upset someone but you have to remember that if it isn’t “what you think happened” it’s all a matter of perspective. There are parts of my life that I remember and pictures to go with it but there are parts I tried to forget but I will talk about those too and whether you like it or not you are all about to become my therapist. I am hoping doing this will help the fucked up dreams I’m having.

I feel like my mind is trying to tell me something, but I can’t figure out what it is.

“But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don’t work without action; I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame.” Roseanne

Weekly Update 12

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– We are just going to completely skip the diet and exercise.

– No sodas or caffeine….almost I still drink coffee

– I am drinking more water than anything else right now which is great.

– I had a doctor visit today….

– No more challenges as I talked about last time.

– The Bipolar Chronicles are something I’ve worked on and I think I am ready to share them with the world. These are things that I’ve gone through from the time I was diagnosed. There are pictures and stories I’ve never shared before.

-Thank you for all of you support.

Let’s keep on talking

#bipolarstrong

🖤

My tattoos and an Old Southern Baptist Church

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We go to a very Old Southern Baptist Church. I am a 4th generation member of the church, my husband is a deacon and I try to go whenever I can, but other aspects of my life limit me from going to church every Sunday. Today because of how last night started and the way I felt this morning I ended up at church with my husband. I forgot my sweater so my tattoos are out for display. I usually cover them out of respect for the church but I kind of it didn’t this time. While I know that the majority of the congregation has no judgement because they’ve known since I was born, but I still get those looks. I try not to let it bother me because I know the older members (when I say old I mean 65+) don’t understand our generation and tattoos. I will say they still shake my hand and talk to me their eyes still fixed on my tattoos. I know some of you are probably in shock that I go to church. I am a firm believer in God and his word. Today I just felt a little (lot) out of place with my tattoos showing. It didn’t stop me from worshipping though. It is almost Christmas and the advent candles it is my favorite time at church. So that’s my morning at church. My husband is in a deacons meeting which makes for a perfect time to write.

Photo Day 29- Broken

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I was rushing to work eating a biscuit from Golden Pantry when some asshole rushes beside me almost side swiping me and I yank my steering wheel to miss him and it slams into a drain on an island in the middle of the road and I dropped my biscuit which I was more pissed about. I had my husband meet me at the Golden Pantry to change my tire and I was over an hour late to work. People suck!

12 things not to say to someone who is passively suicidal.

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I got the 12 comments from Mental Health on the Mighty but I wanted to write my own thoughts behind each of the comments because I’ve heard them all before. Sadly, we are stupid and think the absolute wrong things when it comes to suicide. I also want to leave the suicide hotline number for anyone who needs it. 1.800.273.8255 or text talk to 741741. Let’s get into the shitty comments:

1. “You would have done it already.”– Thanks for this. You know I was working so hard on trying to not do it, but your lack of empathy really made me reconsider that decision. I am struggling with it and when I open up to you that’s when you tell me this? I’m not doing it for fucking attention I need help but you know your lack of knowledge is proof as why we can’t talk anymore.

2. “Others have it worse.”– I’m glad you told me that. I have re-evaluated the entire decision based on that comment. I didn’t realize you were in my head so you know how bad it is. I didn’t realize you sat awake in bed with me completely paranoid or you knew about every time I clutched a bottle of pills trying to distinguish between yes or no. So yes because you are in my body and mind you have the right to tell me that others have it worse than me.

3.”Suicide is a selfish act.” This comment makes me want to hurt people…..I’m not kidding. It is easy for you to make this comment when you aren’t the one suicidal, but saying this to someone who is already vulnerable to make them feel worse about themselves.

4. “Don’t talk about that.”– What would you like us to talk about? Don’t ask us why we feel this way or what you could do to help just tell us to hold it in because I can guarantee you that holding it in makes it a thousand times worse.

5. “Are you really going to do it?”– Yep. I am and I’m going to call you while I’m doing it and give you every fucking second, better yet I will go live on social media so E V E R Y O N E can see it. Don’t ask people that question again ask how to help and not stupid fucking questions. Don’t be a dick.

6. “Everyone feels that way.”– Again I’m glad you are in my head and everyone else’s I didn’t know you were in tune with everyone’s emotions to know that others feel this way. I don’t think everyone is a manic suicidal person while I know there are some that feel this way I feel like not everyone does.

7. “Things will get better.”– No shit. We know this but telling us this doesn’t help. STOP RUINING MY ANXIETY ATTACK WITH YOUR POSITIVE THOUGHTS!! We are allowed to have moments or days. Don’t judge us or give us a hard time because we feel bad. Regardless of what you think we need to fall apart. If it is convenient for you then you shouldn’t be in our lives.

8. “Doing other things will help.” I am aware of this but right now doing something else feels impossible. We just want to let you know that we need help. Don’t make us feel like we don’t deserve your attention.

9. “Are you taking your medication?”– This is a bold statement to say to anyone, it is also very personal statement. I’m not going to ask you if you have PMS and are you wearing a tampon because it is none of my business just like my medicine is none of your fucking business. Ask supportive questions instead of stupid ones.

10. “Why are you not in the hospital?” See I was involuntarily but then decided I wasn’t a threat to people or myself and let me out so unless they think I’m dangerous I won’t be back in the hospital anytime soon. If you think the hospital magically changes our thought process it doesn’t. The hospital makes shit worse. Every time I’ve been all they do is push drugs on you until you bullshit your way through it enough to go home. The hospital generally isn’t helpful, but obviously you’ve been enough to know that.

11. “How dare you.” How dare you say I dare you. How dare you make any comment that isn’t I’m listening and I’m here if you need me. How fucking dare you belittle my problems because it doesn’t fit in your life. How dare you think that my life is an inconvenience for you.

12. “Have you tried positive thinking?” I positively thought that you are twat who has nothing more to bring to a conversation but have you tried positive thinking. If positive thinking saved everyone then why the fuck do we need medication and therapy. If we all thought positive then there would be no mental illness. You fucking idiot it doesn’t work that way.