I remember the first time my depression hit me hard. I was 19 and it was close to the holidays which I always got really excited about even when my husband and I were struggling to make ends meat in Athens, but it was 2005 and we moved back home and I remember buying him a PSP (they were so popular) and on the way to Wal-Mart I just slumped. I wasn’t happy about it…I wasn’t happy about anything. I thought it was just stress and it would get better but it didn’t. It was at this age we determine that it onset and I never did anything about it or got treatment for it because I was naive and thinking if I ignore it that it would go away. I couldn’t be depressed right? What did I have to be depressed about I wasn’t one of those people. I tried to justify it to make myself understand why I am feeling this way it was because of what happened to me it has to be that is the only thing that makes sense. I never understood depression and I held the same stigma too it that everyone else did. I tried a therapist once before (there is an entire post dedicated to therapy.) I eventually went to see someone a few times but it didn’t help anything. I hid it the best I could made it seem like I could brush it off and if I tried hard enough ignore it until it went away.
There is a gentleman on Instagram who has a page Don’t suffer in silence #dsis and when I started to read about peoples lives I realized I made myself suffer in silence for too long. I wonder now what would’ve happened if I was really honest with myself and got help when I first realized I needed it. What would’ve changed? Would I still end up at the hospital?
My depression is a forever train wreck in my mind.
I started exercising and changing my diet on 7/1/19 as of today I’ve lost a total of 26 pounds which may seem like a lot but considering my start weight isn’t as much as you think. I walk 2 miles everyday and do specific workout to areas that need the most work. I am on Herbalife which can be expensive but I’ve noticed it helps. Routine is crucial in everything I do so it is what I needed to get me going. I was skeptical at first but it is worth the money. People ask me what keeps you so motivated and keeps you from slipping. The answer is NOTHING. I am not motivated to workout almost everyday. I dread the idea of going walking most days and when I walk in the store I have to talk myself out of eating a large bag of M&Ms but my story is a little different from others I know because I’m battling my illness.
Weight and mental health can almost go hand in hand. If you look at our meds weight gain is a big side effect not to mention the actual illness that pulls you down and makes moving let alone exercising feel impossible. I am dealing with mixed episodes right now which makes what I’m trying to do so damn difficult. I’m not motivated and have to try and convince myself that I do need to exercise and skipping a day or 3 isn’t a good idea. I struggle with this EVERYDAY. So any weight loss is a big deal. I am fighting against Seroquel, I gained almost 40 pounds from the time I started taking it. Everything that I do is a fight and a struggle. None of this is easy for me but I’m trying. I’m trying to fight a battle that seems never ending but I am making it.
I needed a break from everything and that’s okay. I’ve struggled a lot lately from so many different things and that’s made it hard for me to focus. I am trying to talk about my past and I forget how much it triggers me sometimes. I couldn’t blog until I felt ready and now I do. I am coming back with a bunch of new stuff for you guys. Thank you for your support while I was MIA.
I’ve felt like shit lately. My moods are completely unsteady. I haven’t felt like doing much besides listen to music and hide in my tiny bubble that I’m claustrophobic and need to climb out of but while I was in google a card popped up about Mac Miller. (I am not so secretly obsessed.) about an unreleased song “leaked” Benji The Dog/That’s life. Of course as an obsessed fan I had to find the song. That was the only thing that would complete my day and make me feel better.
I went on YouTube and got super excited when I saw something on YouTube but it was just the instrumental and just by the instrumental I knew I had to have song to complete the shitty day I had. I searched SoundCloud and every other source I could think of to find the song. I put my spam email comments on different instrumental versions just to get the song and someone actually emailed it to me….. IT BLEW MY MIND! It actually kept my mind occupied for awhile which is exactly what I needed.
If you want it let me know.
Sorry guys no goals for June. It’s been rough for me. We can hope July is better. I’m just not up to it right now.
Spent 3 days looking for a Mac Miller song
Working on backdated post
Starting to feel more like me
I’m so tired still
Depression is still here
Obsessed with The Office
Makes me happy
It is the little things
I have BENJI THE DOG by Mac Miller
Mac Miller is 🖤
I’m trying to be ok
Check for backdated post
Weekly Updates are easier to do
Thank you for your patience
I love you all!!
Still working on updating these post
Backdated post are coming
Starting to feel a little better
It takes so much out of me
Music is survival
Mac Miller is keeping me going
Thanks for your support through this difficult time.
No goals for May. April and May were rough for me so no goals listed for May we will start over again in June and hopefully I will feel better then.
April sucked. I tried but life happened in between.
150 subscribers- YAY I did it!!
1100 views- nope
700 visitors- nope
2 Bipolar Chronicles- nope
3 post a week- nope
10 views a day= nope
125 likes- nope
Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends- nope
700 followers- nope
700 posts- nope
50 visits per week- nope
Blog post- nope