Tag: bipolar

Following in my footsteps

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My daughter makes me proud every single day, but right now I’m especially proud.

She’s starting her own blog.

If some of you have been here from the beginning, you remember me talking about my illness and how it’s affected her over the years. Eight years later, I’m watching her openly express her struggles with mental health and share her favorite Mac Miller songs with the world.

Watching her talk about bipolar disorder, anxiety, and self-harm isn’t easy for me. It never will be. Part of me carries guilt — knowing these are things she inherited from me — but more than anything, she is my hero.

The time she’s taken to truly learn herself… her illness, her triggers… and then choosing vulnerability anyway — opening herself up online knowing criticism, doubt, and know-it-all opinions will come — that takes courage. Real courage.

And while she may have gotten the struggles from me, she also got my ability to write.

I have tears in my eyes watching her right now. I’m so proud of her for being stronger than I ever was.

I hope she knows that one day, when she becomes a famous author, we’ll have this post to say I saw her at the beginning.

I’m adding her blog name to my bio so you can follow along with her life — her illness, her growth, and her college journey. It still blows my mind that she’s graduating high school in May.

I pray she listens to me and doesn’t let the world harden her heart the way it hardened mine at 19 — the way certain experiences permanently changed how I see life, and habits I’m still trying to break.

She is the very best parts of us, and I can’t wait to watch her conquer the world.

I know you’re reading this, monkey.

I love you, and I’m fucking proud of you.

Remember your mama when you’re famous. Don’t forget I’m always a phone call away. I can be anywhere you are in no time if you need me.

No matter how old you get, I’ll always be your biggest fan.

You will never be too old to need your mama.

I love you.

Where did everyone go?

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Help Me Get Back in the Social Media Game!

Hey there, lovely readers! 🌟

So, here I am, back from a two-year hiatus (yes, you read that right) and ready to dive back into the wonderful world of social media. I mean, let’s be honest, it’s like riding a bike, right? Except the bike is a little rusty, and I might have forgotten how to pedal! 🚴‍♀️

I used to have a dedicated group of amazing people following my journey, but after my long sabbatical (a.k.a. life got in the way), I feel like I’ve lost touch with you all. It’s a bit like going to a party and realizing you’ve shown up a year late—awkward! So, I’m calling on you, my fabulous audience, to help me get back on track.

Feedback Wanted!

I’m on a mission to improve my writing and reconnect with you all, but I need your help! What topics do you want to see? What tickles your fancy? Whether it’s travel tales, book recommendations, or the latest in coffee culture (because let’s be real, why can’t Starbucks ever get my order right?), I want to hear it all!

And while we’re on the subject, let’s talk about my writing consistency. I’ve taken another day off work to sit at Starbucks (yes, again!) and write. I’m determined to turn my dreams of becoming a famous writer into reality. But let’s face it, I’ll never get there if I’m not consistent. So, I’m all ears for your suggestions!

Publishing Companies: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

On top of that, I’m also on the hunt for legitimate publishing companies. You know, the ones that won’t ghost you after you hit “send” on your manuscript. If you have any recommendations (or horror stories), I’d love to hear them! It seems like finding a trustworthy publisher is like searching for a needle in a haystack, and I could use all the help I can get.

So, there you have it! I’m back and ready to engage, create, and caffeinate. Your feedback—good, bad, or downright ugly—is welcome! Let’s make this journey together and bring some joy back to the blogosphere.

And hey, if you’ve cracked the code on how to get Starbucks to make a decent cup of coffee, please share your secrets. Because honestly, I could use a win in that department too! ☕️💫

Looking forward to hearing from you all!

Bipolar Chronicles-Dreams

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A Love-Hate Relationship with Dreams: My Surreal Superpower

Dreams and I have a complicated relationship—think of it as a tumultuous romance that keeps me on my toes. I’ve shared this quirky little tidbit with people before, and sometimes I feel like they don’t quite believe me when I say I have a “superpower.” (Is that even the right term? Let’s go with it for now.) I can stop and start my dreams at will, picking up right where I left off, whether it was yesterday or even two days ago. Sounds fun, right? Well, buckle up, because it’s a double-edged sword.

In theory, this ability is fantastic. It allows me to revisit cherished moments with loved ones who have passed or relive happy memories from my childhood. Who wouldn’t want to take a stroll down memory lane in their sleep? But here’s the kicker: with the good comes the bad, and that means I also have to contend with nightmares. Unfortunately, I don’t have the same control over those. They come rushing back, uninvited, and continue on their own, even when I desperately try to push them away. It’s not exactly a pleasant experience, let me tell you.

I’ve learned to take the good with the bad, though. Those joyful childhood memories make the occasional nightmare worth it. After all, who wouldn’t trade a few restless nights for the chance to relive a sweet moment with a beloved grandparent or a carefree summer day spent with friends?

Recently, a coworker mentioned she was reading about techniques to train your brain to enhance dream recall and even control. I had no idea this was a thing! It’s these little discoveries that sometimes make me question my sanity. Am I just a quirky dreamer, or is there something more to it? But then again, I remind myself that I’m not crazy—at least, not entirely—because I’m medicated.

So here I am, navigating the wild world of dreams, where every night can feel like a new adventure or a haunting reminder of the past. I may not have full control over every aspect of my dream life, but I’ve learned to embrace the journey, with all its twists and turns. After all, who wouldn’t want a front-row seat to the theater of their own mind?

Finding Serenity and Inspiration in a Coffee Shop

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Coffee Shop Chronicles: Finding Inspiration in a Cup

If you’re wondering why your feed is suddenly overflowing with my musings, it’s because I’m currently nestled in a cozy corner of Starbucks, soaking up the caffeine and creativity. Sure, I have Wi-Fi at home—trust me, I do—but let’s be real: my home is a distraction minefield. Between laundry, dishes, and the siren call of Netflix, focusing on my writing can feel like trying to catch smoke with my bare hands.

There’s something magical about being in a coffee shop, surrounded by the hum of conversation and the rhythmic clatter of keyboards. Most of my fellow patrons are college students, deep in their studies or typing away on their laptops, and their energy is contagious. It’s like being in a hive of creativity, and I can’t help but feel inspired to do some of my best work amidst the hustle and bustle.

Today, I’m on a mission to save up a stash of posts for weekly publishing. Life has been a whirlwind lately, with work and family commitments keeping me busier than a barista on a Monday morning. But today, I carved out some much-needed “me time,” and it feels like a little slice of heaven. All I want to do is sip my iced coffee, watch the cars zip by outside, and get lost in my own world of words.

I’m flipping between my book and this blog post, being extra careful not to mix them up. (No one wants a chapter about coffee shop musings to accidentally end up in a serious plot twist!) Being in a college town adds to the charm; the vibrant atmosphere fuels my creativity and passion in ways I can’t quite explain. I’m absolutely smitten with this town—the traffic, the energy, the inspiration lurking around every corner.

With my headphones on and a random playlist serenading me, I’m snuggled up in my corner, feeling like a writer in a rom-com. My goal is to save these posts for future publishing, and I’m hoping that after this, I can make it a regular thing. I don’t even know if anyone reads these anymore (hello, crickets?), but if you do, please drop a like or leave a comment on a topic you’d like me to tackle next!

And just between you and me, my ultimate dream is to one day be a famous author, sitting here in my favorite coffee shop, recognized by readers who have fallen in love with my characters just as I have. It’s a big dream, but hey, every great journey starts with a single cup of coffee, right? Here’s to more days like today—filled with inspiration, caffeine, and the joy of writing! Cheers! ☕️✨

Unpopular Opinion: Motivational Speakers are gaslighting narcissist’s

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The Not-So-Motivational Motivational Speech: A Comedic Take on Positivity

I know, I know—we all love a good motivational speech to gear us up for life’s little challenges. But hear me out! (Disclaimer: I am in no way a motivational speaker. I just share my shenanigans and struggles. Seriously, don’t look to me for advice; I can barely take my own, let alone someone else’s—especially my psychiatrist’s!) Have you ever really listened to what these motivational gurus say? Let’s unpack some of their classic lines with a sprinkle of humor and a dash of reality.

“You choose to be negative; make every day a positive one!”Ah, the classic “just think happy thoughts” mantra. Let’s dissect this for a moment. Sure, it sounds good in theory, but let’s not silence someone’s trauma with this sugary nonsense. Some days, my trauma gets the best of me, and that doesn’t make me a bad person—it just makes me human! We all have our off days, and sometimes, a bad day is just a bad day. So, if you’re up on your pedestal, preaching positivity while I’m over here wrestling with my inner demons, maybe take a step back and let me have my moment.

“You control your destiny!”Okay, this one has a kernel of truth, but let’s not get carried away. You can’t control what others do to you. You can’t control that person who cut you off in traffic, nor can you control that friend who “forgot” to invite you to brunch. Trauma is a tricky beast, and while it’s true that you can control how you react, let’s be real: sometimes we don’t pick the healthiest coping mechanisms. (Raises hand) Yep, I’ve dabbled in addiction as a way to handle my life’s curveballs. Therapy? Yes, please! But let’s be honest—some self-help books are about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

“You don’t have it as bad as other people.”This one lights a fire in my soul and brings out my inner Hulk. Look, you might not have it as bad as someone else, but guess what? You have no idea what’s going on behind the scenes in someone else’s life! Minimizing someone’s struggles to make yourself feel better is just plain gaslighting. Everyone has their battles, and just because you’ve read a few self-help books doesn’t mean you get to determine the value of someone else’s pain. Each person’s journey is unique, and we should honor that.

“You choose to have a mental illness.”Oh boy, if only it were that easy! If I could choose to ditch my antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and sleep meds, trust me, I would. But here’s the kicker: you can’t just wish or pray it away! I’m hardwired a little differently, and that’s okay. So, let’s drop the judgment and let people be who they are.

Yes, I know this sounds a bit judgmental and maybe even a tad bitchy, but let me tell you about my Facebook timeline. I have this one friend who posts the same positive nonsense EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Why haven’t I deleted them? That’s a great question! They’ve clearly skimmed a self-help book and think they’re now the guru of wisdom. Oh, and they’re involved with an MLM, which makes so much sense now. They’ll throw out basic knowledge and then act like they invented the wheel.

So, use your own judgment, folks, but don’t let people like this make you feel bad for being who you are. They pretend their lives are perfect, but trust me, they’ve got skeletons in their closets just like the rest of us. So, let’s embrace our quirks, our struggles, and our beautifully messy lives. After all, life is too short to pretend we’ve got it all figured out!

AI vs Ghostwriters

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Navigating the Writing Journey: Ghostwriters, AI, and Finding My Voice

I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s worth repeating: I’m in the process of writing a book. It’s been a long road—12 years, to be exact! Recently, I made the decision to hire a ghostwriter, and I couldn’t be happier with the choice. He has a remarkable talent for helping me express my thoughts while still preserving my unique voice. It’s like having a creative partner who understands my vision and brings it to life without overshadowing it.

Lately, I’ve been pondering the role of artificial intelligence in the writing process. I’ve dabbled with a few AI tools, and I must say, the similarities between AI-generated content and what my ghostwriter produces are fascinating. But I can’t help but wonder: is using AI the same as collaborating with a ghostwriter? Will I still be able to maintain my authentic voice if I incorporate AI into the mix?

As I navigate this complex landscape, I find myself grappling with the idea of whether using AI is a form of cheating. After all, I’m the one crafting the story, but can a machine really capture the nuances of my voice? I excel at the “meat and potatoes” of writing—the core ideas and themes—but I often struggle with the extra “sides” that make a narrative cohesive and engaging.

There are days when I feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of thoughts swirling in my head. I just want to get my ideas down on paper before they slip away, but the process can feel daunting. I often look back and wish my high school English classes had focused more on the fundamentals of writing rather than Greek mythology. While I appreciate the classics, I could have used more guidance on grammar and structure!

I’ve thought about enrolling in writing classes to sharpen my skills, but the costs can be prohibitive. Instead, I find myself relying on a thesaurus more than I’d like to admit, searching for the perfect words to convey my thoughts. It’s a struggle, but I’m making progress, albeit slowly.

I’ve decided to start sharing more about my writing journey, the ups and downs, and the lessons I’m learning along the way. I believe that a combination of my ghostwriter’s expertise and the capabilities of AI could be the key to finally getting my book ready for the world. It’s an exciting prospect, and I’m hopeful about what lies ahead. Fingers crossed!

Stay tuned for more updates as I continue this adventure. Whether it’s ghostwriting, AI, or just my own determination, I’m committed to finding my voice and bringing my story to life.

AFSP walk 2021

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https://supporting.afsp.org/participant/2417645.

Please if everyone could just donate a dollar to raise money for AFSP. If you want us to carry the member of a loved one you’ve lost please inbox me their name and any information about you would like us to add and I will add them to the wall of memories. I will take a picture and inbox you or post it on social media for you. Everyone deserves to be remembered and if you want we should share their story. #bipolar #mentalhealthawareness #depression #mentalhealth #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealthmatters #selflove #therapy #psychology #love #broken #art #healing #StatStory #suicide #mentalhealth #suicideprevention #life #depression #halloween #death #love #mentalhealthawareness #halloweenmakeup

Hey best friend!

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Hey best friend! I know it’s been awhile but we’ve been super busy. We are 5 lbs away from our pre pregnancy weight! It’s okay we had tear in our eyes when we stepped on the scale. This weight is a huge milestone for us. (We say that all the time.) Monkey is in marching band now and her first game got rained out. (Wayne and I had so much fun together that night.) She has her first home game Friday and we will probably cry watching her on the field. She has worked so hard this summer preparing for this. She is excelling in school and even has an honors class this year. She is reading her IEP to learn more and she wants to be involved in the next meeting to express what she feels she needs help with. I’m so proud she wants to be involved.

We went to see the psychiatrist and he put us on a 6 month visit which is a big deal. We remember when it was month to month or less because we were struggling so much. We are lifting right now and are doing good. We graduated from the smith machine to the bench and already lifting 50 lbs. We have created a goal to do one rep at 375 lbs for daddy. I know he is so proud of us right now. We went from avoiding mirrors to looking for one so we can check ourselves out. It was 7 years ago in July that our life changed forever. We are still learning and understanding our illness but now we have more control over it. We are celebrating next month not only because it’s our birthday month but because it’s 4 years sober and since our last overdose attempt. We wake up every morning thankful that God knew our story wasn’t over yet.

We need to finish our workout now but remember I love you!

Hey Best friend!

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Hey best friend! Guess what?!? We did it. Dammit we finally did it. We are ONE WHOLE YEAR without an episode. No mania, no depressive episodes, OD attempts, no suicide attempts and no suicidal thoughts. We remember times when days, weeks, months felt impossible but look at us now. We have a psych appointment coming up and we are so excited to tell him all the new and amazing things we’ve accomplished. (That’s never happened.) We have the strength to say no to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were always our go to. That in itself is one of the biggest obstacles we overcome. We had to make decisions we weren’t completely prepared for but turned out to be the best for us. (We’ve met some amazing new people.)

We are learning to be a mama to a teenager which is hard work but when she felt defeated and we pointed out what she accomplished and she cried and hugged you. That was one of the proudest moments you’ve had as a mama. It’s because of everything we’ve struggled with that got us to this moment. It was a moment I will never forget. We know there will be more but look at what we are able to do for her now. We know she likes act she is embarrassed that we will be at every football game but secretly we know she is excited.

We also keep dropping those pounds. We are kicking ass in the gym. We are slowly working our way up to lifting heavy. Exercising has helped us stay leveled out. (The 72 lbs and counting helps too. It is a big ego booster.) We look at ourselves in the mirror every morning while we brush our teeth and say I love you and name 3 things we are grateful for.

We had to save Wayne for last. He is the reason we are still here. He is the one who lectured us, protected us, makes sure we are our taking our meds and gets on to us when we forget to call the pharmacy for the refills. You took care of us even when it meant giving up your own needs. You have seen me hit rock bottom multiple times but you never gave up on me. It was my decision to be sober and learn to cope with my illness but it would’ve never been possible without you.

So best friend we have so much to be thankful for and we know hardships will come but we won’t dwell on the bad moments anymore we will save these good ones so we remember what we are fighting for. I love you and I am forever grateful for these memories to look back on.

Hey best friend! Guess what?!? We did it. Dammit we finally did it. We are ONE WHOLE YEAR without an episode. No mania, no depressive episodes, OD attempts, no suicide attempts and no suicidal thoughts. We remember times when days, weeks, months felt impossible but look at us now. We have a psych appointment coming up and we are so excited to tell him all the new and amazing things we’ve accomplished. (That’s never happened.) We have the strength to say no to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were always our go to. That in itself is one of the biggest obstacles we overcome. We had to make decisions we weren’t completely prepared for but turned out to be the best for us. (We’ve met some amazing new people.)

We are learning to be a mama to a teenager which is hard work but when she felt defeated and we pointed out what she accomplished and she cried and hugged you. That was one of the proudest moments you’ve had as a mama. It’s because of everything we’ve struggled with that got us to this moment. It was a moment I will never forget. We know there will be more but look at what we are able to do for her now. We know she likes act she is embarrassed that we will be at every football game but secretly we know she is excited.

We also keep dropping those pounds. We are kicking ass in the gym. We are slowly working our way up to lifting heavy. Exercising has helped us stay leveled out. (The 72 lbs and counting helps too. It is a big ego booster.) We look at ourselves in the mirror every morning while we brush our teeth and say I love you and name 3 things we are grateful for.

We had to save Wayne for last. He is the reason we are still here. He is the one who lectured us, protected us, makes sure we are our taking our meds and gets on to us when we forget to call the pharmacy for the refills. You took care of us even when it meant giving up your own needs. You have seen me hit rock bottom multiple times but you never gave up on me. It was my decision to be sober and learn to cope with my illness but it would’ve never been possible without you.

So best friend we have so much to be thankful for and we know hardships will come but we won’t dwell on the bad moments anymore we will save these good ones so we remember what we are fighting for. I love you and I am forever grateful for these memories to look back on.

Hey best friend!

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Hey best friend! This selfie comes from the Old Navy dressing room. The left is us at our heaviest and the right is us now. I know we see these transformations on tiktok and Instagram thinking one day we’ll have one of those not realizing we already had one. The other pictures we aren’t quite ready for but they are coming one day. When we are having bad days we have to remind ourselves this is what 72 lbs looks like. We are down 5 pant sizes and it is ok that we cried in the dressing room at Old Navy when we slid those pants up zipped and button without a struggle. The last time we saw this size we were 19. We’ve been through a lot since then but we aren’t just losing weight we are wiping away the years of fighting our mental illness, overeating and creating an unhealthy relationship with food. We are building confidence and seeing exactly how beautiful we are inside and out. We are finally love ourselves and that’s something no scale could ever measure. Keep pushing and fighting best friend you got this! I love you and I’m so damn proud of you.