Tag: bipolar

🖤Day 12🖤 If I won the lottery

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That sounds so nice if I won the lottery. I think of all that money but when I become a famous author (because it will happen dammit) what I would do with the money. (Definitely not do a Scrooge McDuck into the money because as family guy taught us it won’t work.) I am not a materialistic person so this probably won’t be very interesting. I wouldn’t buy houses and cars.

🖤Do a happy dance probably nekkid with money/check/ticket around the house.

🖤Start my own foundation for mental health that provides none profit care for people who can’t afford proper care and the homeless that need medication. Good low cost to free services so people can get the treatment they deserve because all of us deserve a chance for treatment. I am currently working on starting a non profit now.

🖤Donate to my church- This crazy progressive Baptist loves her church. I am 4th generation at my church my daughter a 5th generation and they’ve been a HUGE SUPPORT system throughout everything we’ve been through with no judgment and all the help in the world. We aren’t one of those big fancy churches just an old small baptist church. The church needs some work and I would love to be able to help them.

🖤 My husband and daughter- My husband has sacrificed so much for his family. This year was the first time in over 11 years he got a truck with working AC, less than 200,000 (it only has 70,000) and all of the different parts work. We aren’t rich people but something this simple for him has made his business and life so much easier. (He owns his on detail business) He worked 2 jobs when I lost mine working more than 90 hours in a week sometimes. He’s paid for me to be a stay at home mom for awhile and for me to have a good car. He’s always made sure I had a newer car with low miles and was good and reliable so I can go back and forth and he knows that I and our daughter are safe. I would take what I needed from the money and give the rest to him and our daughter.

🖤 My close friends- The friends who are closest to me the ones I can call and text at anytime the ones who would drop anything for me. I would give them whatever they want. I know that I’m difficult to deal with but they’ve always taken care of me so I would take care of them.

🖤My editor- He isn’t my final editor but he’s helped get this book going and tried to keep me on a schedule. (It doesn’t work) He’s put so much time in the book and that’s time away from his beautiful family. I know they are very humble and simple people and probably wouldn’t take it but I would give them everything I could.

This is why me winning the lottery isn’t interesting. I wouldn’t go splurge on anything (maybe a couple of Macs) but that’s it. That’s why people like me don’t win the lottery. I’m not a greedy or materialistic.

🖤Day 5🖤 Mental Health Week- Bipolar Disorder

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Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.

Bipolar Disorder Overview

Bipolar disorder, with its extreme mood swings from depression to mania, used to be called manic depressive disorder. Bipolar disorder is very serious and can cause risky behavior, even suicidal tendencies, and can be treated with therapy and medication.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.

People who have bipolar disorder can have periods in which they feel overly happy and energized and other periods of feeling very sad, hopeless, and sluggish. In between those periods, they usually feel normal. You can think of the highs and the lows as two “poles” of mood, which is why it’s called “bipolar” disorder.

What Causes Bipolar Disorder?

There is no single cause. Genes, brain changes, and stress can all play a role.

Researchers are studying how these factors may contribute to the development of bipolar disorder.

How Is Bipolar Disorder Diagnosed?

If you or someone you know has symptoms of bipolar disorder, talk to your family doctor or a psychiatrist. They will ask questions about mental illnesses that you, or the person you’re concerned about, have had, and any mental illnesses that run in the family. The person will also get a complete psychiatric evaluation to tell if they have likely bipolar disorder or another mental health condition.”

Diagnosing bipolar disorder is all about the person’s symptoms and determining whether they may be the result of another cause (such as low thyroid, or mood symptoms caused by drug or alcohol abuse). How severe are they? How long have they lasted? How often do they happen?

The most telling symptoms are those that involve highs or lows in mood, along with changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.

Talking to close friends and family of the person can often help the doctor distinguish bipolar disorder from major depressive (unipolar) disorder or other psychiatric disorders that can involve changes in mood, thinking, and behavior.

Bipolar Disorder and Suicide

Some people who have bipolar disorder may become suicidal.

Learn the warning signs and seek immediate medical help for them:

• Depression (changes in eating, sleeping, activities)

• Isolating yourself

• Talking about suicide, hopelessness, or helplessness

• Acting recklessly

• Taking more risks

• Having more accidents

• Abusing alcohol or other drugs

• Focusing on morbid and negative themes

• Talking about death and dying

• Crying more, or becoming less emotionally expressive

• Giving away possessions

🖤Day 11 🖤 Proudest moment

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There are a lot of these though I think that everyone should list the things they are proud of especially if they are going on spiral it helps to not you aren’t a complete fuck up.

1.) Hands down my daughter. She is my proudest moment having her was the best day of my life and I don’t know if I would still be here without her.

2.) My book- It’s been a 6 year process and we are finally getting somewhere with it and it may get published soon

3.) Sobriety- It is an easier thought then action. In NA/AA they tell you your first step is to admit you have a problem and that is supposed to be the hardest but it is the second and third step is the worst. I’ve making my way through slowly. I’m so proud of myself for making this decision.

4.) Surviving- Suicide survival in itself is a gift and a burden. Our gift is still being here but it’s a burden still being here. It is so confusing and heartbreaking. The best thing I could ever do is survive.

5.) This blog- I’ve said for years I was going to do this but I never figured people would actually read anything I had to say but this is taking off.

-Raw emotions with my moods.

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!!!!Trigger warning!!!

For the first time since everything happened my moods have changed. They are rapidly declining and all I can think of is how much I want Xanax. It drives me crazy when people tell you that they want to know things are getting bad then think you are whining. Fuck people either you want me to tell you or you don’t but if you say I am whining then I am going to stop telling you. I just think people in general suck 99.256532% of the time.

The problem with my illness is sometimes I don’t know if up is down or down is up and that is where I am at right now. I haven’t really ate much lately it is a hassle. I haven’t brushed my teeth so everything I drink hurts. (I have extremely sensitive teeth.) so I know I am dehydrated. I am tired and not sleeping doesn’t help anything. I keep having horrible dreams that cause anxiety attacks but I can’t have benzos and nothing else works (trust me when I tell you this) not even “breathing” therapy or any other bullshit a therapist works and again I want Xanax. I want that high so bad and I can’t have it and dealing with my shit when it starts to get real is hard and I know I should have a therapist but it isn’t my thing. (a different story) I am not suicidal as of now and I’m hoping I can get it together before we crawl down that rabbit hole again. I am praying that taking my meds like I am supposed to will stop that problem but somehow I doubt it. I don’t like being able to feel these things it is too overwhelming and I just want them to go away. I am off my schedule (my life requires structure and routine to avoid chaos.) which definitely isn’t helping anything. I can put all the pieces together of what is happening around me and I see things…..I just can’t fix it. I don’t know how or if I would make anything better or if it would just get worse. I know once I start going into details with friends and family the worrying starts. I am worried for me too, if I really want Xanax or pain killers I can put my hands on them with no problem but it is not doing it that is so hard. I’ve never actually dealt with everything in 5 years so I probably need a therapist to work through this. I started posting some of my photography on Instagram and it seems to be a hit. I’m trying whatever outlet I have that is healthy right now.

I tried to put on makeup on, it used to help pep me up but it didn’t work. I put on too much setting powder my foundation wouldn’t blend properly neither would my eyeshadow. I felt worse after putting it on. I looked like a puffy orange clown. My emotions are so raw they hurt and I can’t numb it and it is so raw that it is almost unbearable. We forget sometimes that through the memes, quotes that we desensitize our illness. We need to be more open about how much it hurts to be like this. I will update my progress through this as sober as possible.

🖤

🖤Day 9 🖤 Walking canvas (tattoos and piercings)

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I will start with piercings because they aren’t as interesting. I had a tow hitch (belly button ring) I had it pierced 3 different times. My favorite was a piercing and tattoo place in the mall who only charged me $10. It got infected (surprised) and then the other 2 were at legit places but they pierced it too deep. (I have scars) I determined after that the chubby me shouldn’t have her belly button pierced. I’ve had my ears pierced many times but I forget to put earrings in and the holes closed.

Now the good stuff my tattoos. I was scared for the longest time until 2015 during my manic I decided to get a tattoo. Once you get one tattoo you have to get more right?

This is actually my first and second tattoo. My breathe tattoo was actually my first. I got it on my 31st Birthday. Of course breathe is for my anxiety, my semi colon for suicide, my infinity symbol and cross with Ruth 1:16 for my renewal and love of my faith. I love the fact that is my handwriting.

The second is the suicide awareness ribbon with my anchor. This was after a suicide attempt.

The most popular via Instagram reviews. The original version I found wasn’t this cool, but I have an amazing tattoo artist that made it beautiful. This is the man. If you’ve read any of my other post you know about the man. He wanted to detail the spine to show more vulnerability in the woman who is a slave to the man who controls her life.

I think neck tattoos are awesome and I also wear my hair up all the time so you can see it. This is in support to every fucked up thing that happened to me. I am a fighter and will continue fight until it wins one way or another. This was around the time I opened up about the terrible awful horrible thing that happened to me. This again is my handwriting. My cross on the T and my ; as the i is again my survival from this fucking disease

Music is my refuge which I know is the case for many people. I can play almost any instrument, make mash ups, my music list has an amazing range but I can’t sing. I wish I could sing but the sound of me screeching isn’t attractive. My mental health abilities did not bless me with the ability to sing. Hallelujah is my favorite song. I have saved between YouTube, Musi, Spotify I have so many different versions saved. This is the song I listen to when I start to spiral out of control. This tattoo is a just a base to the final half sleeve tattoo I want is finished.

My bipolar disorder. This is Sasha (check a new post for Sasha.) When I went in I asked for the mask that is black and white with a happy/sad painted across it. He said he wanted to try something different I said okay and this is what he came up with and I love it. It was an impulsive decisions which ironically fits the tattoo. This is a more modern version of that work. I wear this with great pride.

This honestly was just to be a dick. It is a stereotypical tattoo for mental health in my opinion but the size and placement was just to prove a point. I don’t regret it while it isn’t my favorite tattoo.

My artwork is just starting and I can’t wait to express my life across my arms. It shows the fight I am trying to win.

🖤

🖤Perks of being Bipolar 🖤

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As I am writing this I’m standing in an open field under gray skies small pellets of water coating my arms. The smell of fair food, musty cologne fill the air, country music blaring through blown out speakers; my daughter is currently 10 ft in the air being thrusted into circles on swings. I bet you are wondering what the hell being at a fair as to do with the perks of being bipolar and how am I tending to my daughter at the same time. Bipolar perks people. If you weren’t aware your mental illness comes with perks other people don’t possess. I don’t know the exact medical terms for these but you will get my point.

🖤 Hyper-focus- the ability to hyper focus when used correctly can produce amazing results. I’ve abused my hyper focus when I was manic or self destructive behavior but over the last year or so I’ve learned to make it useful. It is almost becoming a super power. Is it still destructive? Absolutely! I am trying to keep it as a positive trait though. Think of the population who spends millions of dollars on herbal remedies and over the counter medicine to try and give them the ability you naturally have. We of course take medicine to control it but how amazing for us.

🖤 Disturbed cognitive functioning- Neil Hilborn (yes I named dropped because his slam poem The Future is incredible.) he touches on this saying They keep telling me seeing things that aren’t technically there is called “disturbed cognitive functioning.” I call it “having a superpower.” Once, I pulled over on the 110 freeway and jumped out of my old Jeep because I saw it burst into flames twenty seconds before it actually burst into flames.

🖤 (Idk the technical term for this) self awareness- A perk of having issues with paranoia is you are always self aware. I can walk into a room or a crowd and in less than a minute I’ve evaluated the entire situation. I can tell you who is standing around me without even looking up. My daughter is in line for a ride and I’ve already analyzed the line she’s in determined where an issue may be; the creepy ass guy to the right of me checking out teenage girls that I keep check on. People in the CIA and FBI are trained to have this ability and we naturally have it. Does my paranoia cause me problems? Of course, but when it comes to my daughter my heightened sense of awareness and paranoia comes in handy. The lights and music everywhere can overwhelm my senses but that’s when hyper focus comes to the rescue.

🖤 Creativity- This is a given. A fucked up wiring makes us see the beauty in things that other people aren’t able to enjoy

🖤 Energy- Always a positive and a negative but mostly negatives because high energy usually leads to mania.

🖤 Strength- we majority of the time can handle our shit and it takes courage to keep going. It’s a blessing and a curse to have this gift.

🖤Day 8🖤 Self Esteem boosters as a child. Old photos of me

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I put a copyright on these pictures like you might steal them. There are two old photos of me. One when I was a year old and the other with my high school ❤️. I remember growing up I was always skinny until I hit puberty then I plumped out. I had a pair of shorts that I could fit in from the time I was 3 until I was 8. Whenever my family from out of town came in they would ask, “Do you have a boyfriend?” Or “I bet all the boys are chasing after you. You are so pretty you should be a model.” This boosted my self esteem but had the opposite affect on my sister. I can also remember the first time my mom bought me a “big girl two piece” the bikinis with the shorts and padding on the top that made your boobs look good. I was probably 12 or 13 and my sister told me I was disgusting and looked like a cow. We went on vacation places and all the boys would stare and flirt with me the same when I went to summer camp. I was one of those girls who always had a “boyfriend” at camp. I was vain growing up because I knew I was pretty until I gained weight and then that went away and my self esteem once at a peak bottomed out. I couldn’t be fat. I always associated fat with ugly. I would say things to my friends like, “big boned, muscular, or just bloating from PMS. I had “boyfriends” in high school but it was just to justify to myself that even though I was bigger that I was still pretty. I started a dangerous diet in 9th grade that my mom caught before it got worse. Now I’m 34 plus size and will tell you that I am beautiful and may mean it 53% of the time.

My daughter looks like me when I was younger except with the prettiest head of red hair. I try to explain to her that she will marry and a good person and not focus on her looks because so many people do and she is gorgeous, but I don’t want her to feel like she needs someone especially a man to validate her worth. If she does find someone I hope they are like her dad who will tell you I’m beautiful but that isn’t why he fell in love with me. He can tell you what it is about me (personality, passion etc..) as to why he loves me. Sometimes I still need validation but I know he adores me and I hope my daughter will find that with someone.

🖤

🖤Weekly Update 3 🖤

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I am a day behind on my weekly updates!

🖤 I have at least 4 new post coming including my mental health week post, my 31 day challenge, my current mental state and a few others.

🖤My moods are kind of jumping and this is the first time I’m really dealing with it since I stopped self medicating and it is really fucking hard to do.

🖤 I have some info on my social media accounts and some questions for people who’ve used WordPress for awhile about getting it set up properly. The current set up is messy and bothering me.

🖤 For people who’ve decided to tell me that my blog is rather depressing….suck my dick. No I don’t actually have a dick but still suck my dick. Mental health isn’t usually find with rainbows, unicorns and sunshine. It’s some hardcore shit. If you can’t handle deuces bitch.

🖤 I do have a few more light hearted post about my previous jobs. They won’t be as good as Wally World but they are still awesome.

🖤I am trying to catch up on everyone’s blogs and I’ve realized I’ve read a lot of them and forgot to hit the like button.

🖤 We are going to try and make this a great week.

🖤 If my post don’t have a copyright I got them from Google.

🖤

🖤Day 7🖤 10 favorite foods

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I know I should’ve posted this yesterday but I wasn’t feeling great. (I will talk about that in a different post)

My 10 favorite foods: I am going to try and not repeat the foods with different names.

🖤 Italian Deli Meats- Pancetta, Prosciutto, hard Salami, Pepperoni to name a few and I can eat them without bread or cheese just straight out of the bag while I’m watching tv or writing.

🖤 Cheese- Smoked Gouda, Havart (with dill), Gorgonzola, Brie, Blue Cheese….the list goes on I can also just eat these by themselves no extra effort needed.

🖤 Pizza- I could live off of pizzas if I knew I wouldn’t become severely overweight. I love any and all kinds except Hawaiian (never cares for pineapples) I can eat an entire large pizza in one sitting…. great now I want pizza.

🖤Cucumbers- Is there ever a bad time for cucumbers? I can go to the store and buy 5 or 6 of them and they may last two days. If I want to get creative I will take those, olives (next on my list) my deli meats and some cheeses to make an epic bowl of goodness.

🖤 Olives (black olives) I can eat them by themselves I like the green but prefer black olives. There is something about the tanginess and a bit bitter that I enjoy so much.

🖤 chocolate mint- Any and everything chocolate mint tastes so good. I prefer it with dark chocolate (the Hershey bars) but you can’t go wrong with a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. It is one of the few sweet foods I like

🖤 Steak- If I have extra money and want to go big balling I will buy steak. I will my steak still bleeding but not mooing. Filet tips are my favorite mix it in with a good sauce and sauté some mushrooms. It doesn’t get much better than that.

🖤 Risotto- Rosemary Brie from my favorite restaurant or any other kind I’m not picky. I wish I had the patience to make it, but I don’t so I just buy it from people who do. If you’ve never tried Risotto I would recommend it.

🖤 Pasta- Can you go wrong with a good lasagna some tortellinis filled with spinach. The answer is no you can’t go wrong with any type of pasta.

🖤Slim Jim’s and beef jerky- I’m not not fond of sweets. I, however LOVE slim Jim’s, almost every type of jerky.

These list are hard to do.

AFSP- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention- Out of the Darkness walk

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This year is my 3rd year doing the AFSP walk. I work around as a survivor but I see all of these people with pins, shirts, balloons in remembrance of someone who died by suicide as early as a month before the walk. You wonder what you did differently why did you survive it, medically I should’ve died on several different occasions but I am still here fighting. I’ve walked up to random people and just hugged them, because I feel their pain. I walk every year as a proof that dammit I did it. I make promises to people that I will be able to walk and leave my mark on this world somehow even if it is just talking to you guys. You can go to AFSP website sign up for a walk in your area or volunteer our voices will make the biggest differences.