Tag: bipolaroutcasts

Therapy update

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That was the weirdest most uncomfortable therapy session I’ve had and I dealt with 8 hours of group therapy during an involuntary psych hold.

Lets start with the fact that I tried to be a little optimistic and wanted her to wait and see the non showering, no makeup, same clothes for days, greasy hair and not sure when the last time I brushed my teeth for the 2nd or 3rd visit like a normal person would. I got up brushed my teeth, hair put on makeup, changed clothes (even tried to make sure they matched) and left the house a few minutes later than  I wanted to, but it wasn’t a big deal then half way there I get pulled over for following to close to a cop car and that took forever then my car stalls on the way there. These are signs to me that this trip should not happen but I continued on like a brave warrior.Then I got to the building…..

When I got to the building I should’ve run the other direction. It was this rundown shopping center with this disgusting old flower shop that was barely hanging together and she was on the side of the building so I walked along the edge and knocked on this door and this older woman unlocked the door and let me in she then guided me down this half finished hallway to a small office. I texted Wayne at this point letting him know where I was in case things got shady. I walked into this dim lit room and she handed me a bunch of papers (see below) that I filled out while she asked the normal bullshit psych questions. She was very odd and I couldn’t make heads or tales of her. She kept asking what do you want to tell me and every time I started she stopped me mid sentence so I said fuck it I’m done talking. She lost my drivers license and we spent more time looking for it then we did talking. It was not a good experience and I will not go back. Le sigh I will I will start the search all over again.

Bipolar Chronicles- marriage

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Marriage is complicated, all relationships are complicated but marriage/relationships with mental health feel impossible. I know I talk about my husband all the time and how wonderful he is but our marriage is hard and our relationship is messy. He has trust issues with me not because I never cheated but because I’ve lied about money, caffeine, medicine, my moods so it makes it hard for him To trust me but it also means he worries all the time. I can’t imagine dealing with me all the time I don’t want to deal with me majority of the time and I have to.

We got in a fight the other night because I had Starbucks double shot energy drinks hidden in a drawer. I lost the will to fight against it and I had two on different days but hid them in the drawer. I hid them because I promised I would do better and not drink energy drinks anymore. I lied about not drinking them and what hurts worse than someone being mad at you is someone being disappointed in you. When someone says they are disappointed in you your heart breaks completely. I couldn’t sleep I kept waking up and wanting to talk it out with him. I wanted to make it all better by everything I said kept making it worse. All I did was dig myself deeper in a hole that I wouldn’t be able to get out of. I just wanted him to forgive me for yet another fuck up and I know everyone will say people make mistakes I just make the same damn one over and over again. He just got to where he could trust me to be responsible again and I did this. I could’ve talked to him and should’ve talked to him about it instead of giving in. Caffeine for me is an addiction no it isn’t as strong as drugs or the benzos but it’s a dangerous habit that can cause horrible consequences. I understand why he is mad and I don’t know how to fix it. I also don’t know how many more fuck ups I have before he says enough is enough. Sometimes I hate this illness so much I wish I could make it go away.

Fuck my life I don’t know how to fix it.

There is no happy life just happy days.

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Today was a good day work I was tired (I am always tired) and all I want is to see Wayne and my daughter. They are all I think about all the time. I am also thinking about how far behind I am with everything and it makes my head throb. My head hurts a lot more lately now and I don’t know why. Wayne was in a great mood and we had an amazing evening together. It was just us because my daughter went to my moms and we were both tired but just in a good mood. I had such a great time with him. It was just a relaxing good evening. I know we are having a rough time with money and everything but it was nice for both of us to just forget everything even if it is just for a little while. I hope tomorrow goes by fast so I can see him again. We had the best Zaxby’s salads for supper. 🖤

The man is still around but not vocal. I really wish he would go away.

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication

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Today was an ok day, but work made me so tired. Wayne and I got along better today then we did yesterday. I am really trying to figure out the best way to help with everything. I had a nice long shower watched YouTube while putting a mask on my face. I was able to catch up some on Instagram and not work on blogs like I wanted to but I did take some time to myself. I am trying to make my moods stabilize. My daughter had a project due at school today and I can’t wait to hear how it went. I am trying to tell myself it will be a good weekend.

The man still isn’t vocal but he is making his presence known.

Raise your words not your voice it is rain that grows flowers not thunder

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Today was a bad day. Wayne is stressed out and when he is stressed out it is hard for everyone. I am so used to him being the neutral I sometimes forget that he is human and deals with emotions too. Cami lied and to leave school early and it made Wayne upset so he was still in a sour mood when I got home. I know things with his business are slow right now and he is worried about so many things but I am not completely stable and I don’t know how to help him with his moods. I know he doesn’t want to see anyone for medicine (not because he doesn’t believe it) but he like most people think it is just stressed because of environmental reasons so he can control it. I know so much of the environment thing is bullshit but even though he is dead set on making sure that I am on mine to help me. I wish I knew how to help him.

It was also a bad day because my daughters pet salamander died. The reason she even found him is because of the oddly warm weather we are having right now. She was having a hard time finding food for him and I don’t think he was ever meant to live anyway but it broke her heart and she already had a rough day. We laid in the bed and talked until I fell asleep. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

The man is still around and he won’t leave. He is starting to become more visual but not vocal.

Every moment spent with you is a beautiful wonderful gift

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Today was one of the best days I’ve had in awhile, Wayne and I spent the day in Athens. I spent way too much money at Sephora buying facial cleanser and moisturizer. We ate at one of my favorite places well it is one of our favorite places and got smoothies. I’ve had so much fun with him. We went to 5 below which is one of the greatest stores. I had four days off and today was my last day and I am dreading not having more time with Wayne and my daughter. These are small updates of my day to day life. It is sometimes the only thing I have to give with my blog. I need to do a better job keeping up with them. I am trying to keep up with my moods and it is working some. The man is back which to me is the scariest thing of all.

The man is back and while he is a very dull figure he is growing more everyday.

Therapy

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I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and it is causing severe anxiety issues which in turn are causes a ton of other problems because my anxiety is what triggers everything else to say ok brain it is time to fuck some shit up so lets pull this wire and this wire and put it here who cares if it fucks up this this and this. I love when my brain likes to use these things to start and fuck with me. The therapist seems optimistic about this meeting even though I told her that I am going to therapy because I have to the last time I did this it didn’t end well at all. She was a nice person but it was hard to communicate with her. I will update more after therapy.

I will be productive today

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Today I will be productive and I made a to do list of blogs and Instagram and then things that I need to do today. I planned on being productive but my brain had other plans. I am still not half way finished with everything I wanted to do, but I washed my face this morning and evening, brushed my teeth and my hair which if anyone who has been there before understands and I know how cliche it sounds but it is true. I am trying so hard but everything feels like it is failing. I want my brain to work and I want to learn a healthier way of dealing with everything. I am just fucked from sanity right now.

Things are kinda falling apart right now and so am I.

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After everything that happened yesterday I just kind of feel numb and this is without using anything I just ended up that way. I knew it was coming I could feel it after the amount of crying I did. I don’t like crying not because I think it makes you weak it is what reminds me that I hold too much in and if I found reasons to cry more often then maybe I would feel better and I wouldn’t focus on numbing everything. I put a closed sign on my instagram and my blog because I can’t think long enough to form one thought. These thoughts now are forced and I am trying to make sense of everything that’s happened. My brain isn’t working and Wayne has noticed and it worries him. I am not making sense and it is hard for me to comprehend simple tasks. I am really struggling and I don’t know how to keep focus and make sense of everything. I have therapy on Tuesday and I think that this is part of the problem. I am not ready for therapy. My life feels like it is slow motion and my brain is on fast forward 32x and everything is just so jumbled. I fucking hate this illness I just want my brain to function correctly just once dammit. Just one damn time I want to handle things like a person who isn’t completely fucked in the head, but this is my life forever and right now it feels like a death sentence.

I am going back to sleep that is most of what I’ve done all day after church and taking my daughter to get her nails done. I need sometime to clear my head without pills…. I don’t know if/how I can do it.

How my brain works: utterly obsessed or uninterested

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I got my hair cut today and now I’m obsessed with products and things to make it beautiful. I do this with everything and that is a big problem with my book I get so interested and obsessed and soak myself in and then it happens I just lose all interest in it. It’s starting to happen with my blog and that it is hard to deal with. I want to stay motivated and want to do it but at the same time I get so wrapped up in it I lose all concept of time. All of this stress is causing more issues.