After everything that happened yesterday I just kind of feel numb and this is without using anything I just ended up that way. I knew it was coming I could feel it after the amount of crying I did. I don’t like crying not because I think it makes you weak it is what reminds me that I hold too much in and if I found reasons to cry more often then maybe I would feel better and I wouldn’t focus on numbing everything. I put a closed sign on my instagram and my blog because I can’t think long enough to form one thought. These thoughts now are forced and I am trying to make sense of everything that’s happened. My brain isn’t working and Wayne has noticed and it worries him. I am not making sense and it is hard for me to comprehend simple tasks. I am really struggling and I don’t know how to keep focus and make sense of everything. I have therapy on Tuesday and I think that this is part of the problem. I am not ready for therapy. My life feels like it is slow motion and my brain is on fast forward 32x and everything is just so jumbled. I fucking hate this illness I just want my brain to function correctly just once dammit. Just one damn time I want to handle things like a person who isn’t completely fucked in the head, but this is my life forever and right now it feels like a death sentence.
I am going back to sleep that is most of what I’ve done all day after church and taking my daughter to get her nails done. I need sometime to clear my head without pills…. I don’t know if/how I can do it.