Tag: crying

In a daze

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If you want just a mental health update skip to the 3rd paragraph.

Today I went back to work and I’m not happy with the lack of progress I’ve made while editing. I am really trying to get things accomplished. I didn’t even accomplish a quarter of the things I wanted to. I have a severe case of writers block which I am working on different exercises to get rid of.

I applied for my daughter to get into an “elite” school but we were waitlisted so we can keep our fingers crossed on that.

For my mental health it is in shambles for some reason. I am really getting tired of this shit. I started seeing things again. It isn’t anything serious or giving me any reason to worry right now but it is something I have to keep watch of so it doesn’t turn into something else. I haven’t told Wayne yet I just don’t want him to worry about me unless there is actually something to worry for. My brain is clouded right now I feel like I am in a daze. I am unable to articulate the things I really want to say because they don’t form into anything. The part about it that sucks the most is when things like this happen I’m overflowing with creativity but right now I got nothing…… I am hoping binge watching movies will help.

Get the fuck up

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Today I had to tell myself to get the fuck up. I made myself get up take a shower open the windows and clean something. I’ve spent most of my days off in bed exhausted. I can’t get myself motivated to do anything. I’m not hungry and I’m forcing myself to eat something but I can’t keep laying here it isn’t helping anything.

I can do this. I am able.

4 months of Journal complete

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When I bought my journal I didn’t realize it wasn’t a year journal. It was only for a little over 4 months and that was okay it was good to start getting in the habit of writing every day and now I do. I find myself with 3 or 4 notebooks, bags of pens and headphones nearby all the time. It really helps with everything going on with me. I’ve been deep in thought lately trying to figure out these moods and this book. I can get lost in the world of book so easily and sometimes I fall down the rabbit hole and forget reality. Today Wayne and I went to Madison today. I had so much fun with him. I always do we ate at Chick-Fil-A which is a rare treat for me. It was a good day and I hope this journal will be worth money someday. I did my first official signature on the last page. I think I might start mediating. 🖤🖤🖤

Electricity is really just organized lightning. – George Carlin

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Today I am organizing my shit. I’m hoping that this helps my moods and my unorganized thoughts. I need to get things in order completely in my life to reduce chaos. The only problem with reducing chaos is reducing creativity because the two go hand in hand. I just want to curl up in a little ball. I bought a planner from Dollar General because I can’t afford one of the big fancy ones and I’m trying to make the best out of it. It isn’t dated which is awesome so I’m working on it a little bit at a time. I’m avoiding picking up my laptop and starting edits when I have 0 creativity. I want to make sure I get it right and forcing it just won’t work. I wish my brain would make up its fucking mind already. I’m also eating my weight in junk food because of stress.

March Goals Overview

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Blog:

125 subscribers- 135 yay!!!

2000 views- nope- 956

800 visitors- nope 579

5 Bipolar Chronicles- none

3 post a week- almost

10 views a day- close

200 likes- 115

Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends– nope

Instagram:

750 followers- nope

615 post- 640

90+ visits per week-no

Blog post-barely

I talk in a daze, I walk in a maze. I can’t get out said the starling.

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I worked today and I am tired. I know you are probably tired of hearing this but it is true. I have energy but at the same time it feels like I have none. I decided that tomorrow I’m going to get organized and prepared for the upcoming weeks and months of finishing my book. This is the first time I’ve been serious about it for longer than 2 weeks. If I could get my brain to cooperate with the rest of me. We ate DQ for supper….and dammit I sound like a child with no depth or reason for my blog.

I want my brain to just work so the creativity comes out again. It’s gotten lost somewhere in there and I just need to find it again. Hopefully this doesn’t mean my blogs will bore you to death.

Today was a productive day

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I am actually caught up!! Hooray who would’ve thought that I would catch up at the actual beginning of the month. Miracles happen everyday. I accomplished so much today and I even had to work. I spent most of my time listening to Mac Miller and working on this. I am hoping that I can keep this up. I am still struggling with my moods and the man is getting worse everyday. I am trying to keep him contained to night time because upswings help with me not sleeping. I may or may not be tired in the morning who the fuck knows anymore. I miss caffeine so much at least then I guaranteed to have some up swings. I almost got in a fight with Wayne but I caught myself before it got bad, I just need the man to go the fuck away and I will be calling my doctor tomorrow. YAY!!

Weekly Update 27

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BACK DATED POST! GO CHECK THEM OUT!!!

Let’s try to not be cringe this time.

Bipolar still a death sentence and torture (yep I did it anyway.)

I am rapid cycling which coming out of a depressive state is inconvenient but my brain doesn’t care so here we are.

Hi blog! I know I have neglected you but I am coming back.

I am indeed still alive and surviving

Struggle is real

no diet or exercise (which would probably help)

no caffeine (which I really want right now)

I get more followers on Instagram when I don’t post often so that is confusing.

I am working on my book a little. I was really into it and then everything just kind of fell apart.

I will try to be more active

Random Days

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Today was an okay day. I went to work and it felt like a lifetime before I left. I took one of my co-workers to and from work today. We stopped and got something to eat which was fun. Wayne and my daughter had tacos from a local store. I am tired today. I mean like really tired and I don’t know why because I got a lot of sleep. I guess it was just the day I had. I am starting to see things more often and thinking they are real is becoming harder to deny. My dreams are becoming more realistic too and scarier. I had a dream we had to go get something in Germany and every time I tried to leave I started to disintegrate and I could never get free. The man was there laughing. He’s been in all of my dreams the past week and it is scarier and scarier that he is hanging around. I thought we did this already the whole booga booga thing. We completed this cycle so why are we doing it again. (I am aware it isn’t that simple.) I want to stop going in circles. I guess it is time to call my doctor and make more adjustments. I hate this part.  The man wants to be seen and he is making that very clear now.