I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.

“A father’s love is forever imprinted on his child’s heart.” – Jennifer Williamson

Today 26 years ago my dad passed away. It started with an accident at work but he died from an incident during surgery. I text my mom on this day every year to tell her I am thinking about her and love her. I do this on the day he died, his birthday and their wedding anniversary. I’ve now added to this my grandma who passed away in 2017. This day is always a somber day for me. I try to find some peace of mind which is hard. I want him to be proud of me and the things I have accomplished. I wish he could meet his granddaughter and my husband. (they would’ve been best friends.) but more than anything else I want him to be proud me. That means more to me than anything else. I know that I’ve not always made the best decisions and I’ve dealt with some really big demons but I made it through and I would like to think that he held my hand and helped me through it and the reason I survived those suicide attempts was him telling God that I still had great work to do and it wasn’t my time. I don’t know if that is how it works in heaven but he may know some people to help me out.

I worked today but everything just kind of feels like a blur. I have so much work to do with my blog and with my book giving my husband and daughter equal amounts of time feels impossible. Today I will just spend with them though. It is a family day.