Tag: fuck up

Grateful Day 6 – A random memory that makes me smile

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So I’ve tried not to be cliche’ on these challenges because everyone will say something like the day I got married, when my child was born, a job promotion but not me because I like it weird. This memory is me helping my husband clean a boat after he finally let me come home last year. I was still detoxing, felt horrible and this day was supposed to be the two of us spending the day together and work on some of things for me to a.) not go back to the hospital b.) able to stay home c.) make our marriage work d.) realize that the world can’t keep revolving around me…. you get the point but he had a last minute call for a job and he needed to take it so he left. I was sitting at home by myself detoxing feeling like complete and utter shit not just because I was coming off a manic drug induced high – getting kicked out of the house – wanting to pop more pills issue but I was looking forward to this time with him and I proudly did the opposite of what I would normally do which is get high and I called him to ask if I could come help him. You could hear the shock in his voice when I asked of course he said yes and texted me the address. I went over with headphones I shop vac and started cleaning a boat. We didn’t talk but I did see him look at me a few times and smile; I knew then that I listened to right part of my head the part that was almost sober and all I wanted to do after that was prove that I’d changed and I could be a better person more importantly a better example for my daughter. I look at this day even though it was something so simple it changed my outlook on everything.

Grateful Day 5 – Suicide -a word- it is powerful

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I know why would I be grateful about the word suicide but I am. I am grateful for the word suicide because it has taught me so much about myself, my struggles, my courage and how to love someone especially myself.

How does that work? Well in my case I had to try it a bunch of times and it not work for me to realize how much that word impacted so many people. They say we give a word power but do we really give it power? It is powerful in itself because it’s something that we lose power of ourselves to get to this point in our life. We can say the word but being there makes every word powerful. What do you think?

🎃 Happy Halloween 🎃

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I am not particularly fond of Halloween I find it triggering and annoying. People don’t realize pretending to be a psych patient isn’t funny especially when you’ve been there. It isn’t the young kids that bother me it is the older ones who really fuck things up. My daughter wanted to be a zombie doctor which I don’t care for. I can’t watch Walking Dead or any other zombie apocalypse movies because it causes severe anxiety and stirs up some bad thoughts. This is guaranteed to cause issues with psychosis and some long sleepless nights that involve jumbled talking and pacing. Halloween triggers some bad things for people like me so being courteous to people like us is wonderful.

Bipolar Schizophrenia psychosis vs. Hollywood film industry’s version of “Horror films”

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Let’s start with this none of these “Horror Films” actually scare me but they do mess with my brain. I don’t do blood, guts and gore just because my stomach can’t handle it, but as far as movies like The Conjuring, The Nun movies like that I love watching them not because it scares me but it starts to make me about paranoid. I think a lot of them have good story lines and I enjoy them but they do mess with my head especially with my dreams. There isn’t anything in any of these movies that are scarier then what is already in my head and if filmmakers want some seriously fucked up shit I am willingly to share it with them for the right price. People seem to enjoy these types of fucked up things.

Here is what happens; I watch/listen to the movies and don’t think much of it meanwhile the man finds this as ammunition to use later. He takes the images and distorts them into something that no person who has never experienced these, could ever write about. I struggle everyday with dreams and I know I am making it worse on myself tonight. My dreams are already fucked up. The man started talking to me yesterday and I wonder if he is egging this on right now. He isn’t a good person the man. So let’s see what happens tomorrow.

🖤Day 31 🖤 Weird Quirk of Mine

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First let me say I DID IT!!!! All 31 days it was challenging at times but I did learn something’s about myself in the process.

Ok…. weird quirks of mine. My illness does that count??

~ I bite my lip when I get anxious

– I hear voices and sounds all the time

– I hallucinate almost every night

– I can swallow multiple pills at once

– When my anxiety gets really bad and I start to hear the man I pace back and forth talking to myself

– I can’t take Ativan which is odd

– I am terrified of heights

– If you start to tickle me it turns into an anxiety attack

– I can’t hide in places because of anxiety

– I have crippling anxiety

– I don’t like to use the word hate it is a waste of an emotion

– I can’t stop swearing it is part of my everyday activity

That’s it unless you want me to go through everything with my illness

It’s been real 31 day challenge

🖤

Weekly Update 6

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  • Diet is still no existent/anxiety makes sure I feel sick ALL THE TIME lately and no I am not pregnant.
  • Still no soft drinks. My husband tempted me yesterday when he got a Vanilla Coke. I kept asking him if I could smell it and he wouldn’t let me.
  • I didn’t know my husband was unaware about the whole snorting situation I used to struggle with but he knows now. That was a bit of an awkward situation.
  • Lately anything I drink that isn’t water I can taste salt in…. Is that weird?
  • I’ve thought about making this blog private and the information just for subscribers but I don’t feel like I am at a place with the subscribers that I could successfully complete this.
  • IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE FOLLOWING:
    • THERE IS A REASON THAT NAMES ARE NOT MENTIONED IN MY BLOG. I WOULD NEVER WANT SOMEONE TO PUT INFORMATION LIKE THAT ABOUT ME OUT THERE WITHOUT MY CONSENT.
    • STOP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO DID THE HORRIBLE AWFUL THING. FIRST, IT IS SICK THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GET MORE DETAILS. IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHO IT IS BUT NO YOU DON’T KNOW HIM. NO ONE I KNOW ACTUALLY KNOWS WHO IT IS BESIDES MY HUSBAND. NOT EVEN ANY ACQUAINTANCES OR PEOPLE FROM THE PLACE I GO. PLEASE STOP THROWING NAMES OUT THERE AND DAMAGING PEOPLES LIVES. YOU ARE A SICK FUCK FOR DOING IT ANYWAY
    • I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOME (MOST) OF MY BLOG POSTS WITH YOU WHEN I SEE YOU. I WROTE IT DOWN AND GOT IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM. IT IS AWKWARD FOR ME AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU REFERENCE 5 DIFFERENT BLOGS BUT CAN’T TELL ME THE TITLE OR WHAT THE REST OF IT IS ABOUT. I CAN’T READ YOUR MIND!!!!!! MY BOOK YES I WILL TALK ABOUT IT OTHER THINGS MEH DEPENDS ON WHAT IT IS.
  • MY WALK IS ON SUNDAY!!!! I am so excited to go to the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk again this year. This is my third year and I can’t wait!!! It is such a humbling and breathtaking scene. It is such a great cause and one I feel very deeply about.
  • I tagged all the mental health categories I could think of and will tag them again about the walk.
  • I get paid tomorrow and I have no plans on ruining my daughters life if it doesn’t go in as scheduled.
  • Dreams still suck ass. I have descriptions of the dreams I am dealing with that I will post about later. It is weird, scary and just keeping me from sleep.
  • I am trying to make it over that 40 hump for subscribers I also seem to get right there and then something happens. I am thankful for every one of you who do subscribe and keep up with me. I read many of your blogs but forget to hit that like button so you know I was there.
  • I have to finish strong with the blog challenge. I am a little behind right now.
  • My posts are consistent right now because of lack of sleep the detailed good writing I can accomplish isn’t working because I am so tired.
  • You can catch me on Instagram because they don’t require as much detail and depth as my blog posts do.
  • See you next week!!! Enjoy the last of the blog challenge and postings coming on my days off!!!

update

🖤Day 28 🖤 Last time I cried

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The last time I cried…… I try not to cry often mostly because I am an ugly crier and when I say ugly crier I mean it could be a Halloween costume. I don’t cry in front of people because I am weird about crying. It seems like an intimate version of yourself that shouldn’t be publicized with strangers. I don’t know if it is because of everything I’ve dealt with or because I’m just genuinely weird about these things. Please note I will not make you cringe by saying things like, “I don’t cry because it makes you weak, I am too strong to cry, I have no feelings, I’ve dealt with too much in my life to cry….” You get what I mean. I don’t believe any of that shit those are just things you tell yourself to justify your feelings because you are a little bitch who won’t man up and deal with your shit…. yeah that is the pot calling the kettle black but I don’t avoid crying for those reasons. I think it is okay to cry sometimes we need to cry it’s like releasing a valve in our body so it doesn’t overheat and kill you. I don’t want anyone to snap because I’ve snapped before and it wasn’t healthy at all. I’ve tried to learn through all of my years of therapy healthier ways to handle my shit, but I guess I didn’t pay attention because pills became my best friend. I am working on it though, writing to you guys always helps a great deal.

Now the last time I cried, it was in my sleep it is usually in my sleep because I have fucked up dreams that scare the shit out of me almost all the time. I wake up crying and that is always fun to do. The sad part is I can’t always remember why I am crying the good part is no one sees me ugly cry. The last time I actually cried for something other than my fucked up dreams was around my birthday when I was dealing with my mood shit and my husband had stuff to do that day and we were going to celebrate a little and then do something that weekend but I was dealing with mood shit and completely exaggerated the situation. (If you are reading this then I am in no way saying you were right.) I kept crying and I have no idea why probably because I just needed to cry, but I can’t always just cry because I need to I need to have a reason so I can’t always blame it on my illness. My illness isn’t as special as it thinks it is. I struggle with this version of myself a lot. I wish I could make heads or tails of it but I get confused most times. My illness is a bitch.

This is me after crying. I have a picture of me while crying but sometimes you don’t need to see something scary. Why did I take a picture of me after I cried because randomly decide to make myself cringe with stupid things such as this.

🖤 Day 27🖤 What makes me feel better, always

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What makes me feel better?

🖤 Sweatshirts and hoodies- Who doesn’t love a big comfy sweatshirt to snuggle up with.

🖤 Family Guy- When I’ve had a rough day turning on Family Guy will always make me laugh no matter how many times I’ve seen the episodes.

🖤 Music- This sounds so cliche but it does. I have a playlist of songs for each emotion. Sometimes it doesn’t help the mood then sometimes it does just kind of depends on how I am feeling at the moment.

🖤 My car- I feel bad for my steering wheel it has received a lot of shit over the years. Whenever I’m mad I beat the shit out of it or I hug it if I am crying. It is also my swear box because whenever I get mad I let it all out in my car. There have been so many times that my husband has told me to leave because of a mood and I get in my car and fly off usually to the same places, but not before losing my shit in my car.

🖤 My hiding places- No one knows where they are for a reason. I go to them when I am suicidal mostly because there is no cell reception so it is harder to track them. I also go to them when I am not suicidal because again no cell reception so I can chill the fuck out and let the rage wash away.

🖤 Peppermint- I love peppermint and it is good for anxiety also good for night terrors.

🖤 My book- I can live in that moment with Lauren for awhile. When bills are piling up and I don’t know what I am going to do and my world feels like it is falling apart going to her world makes me feel better but I don’t think it is very healthy.

🖤 My husband and daughter- When I’ve had a bad day curling up with them watching a movie or helping cook always make me feel better.

🖤 Writing- I’ve learned that I am better expressing myself writing rather than speaking. I get mad and all my words jumble together and I make no sense, but if I write it down I can make sense of it all. This would be why my husband has so many long texts from me.

🖤 Snapchat- My daughter and I playing on Snapchat always makes me feel better I guess it has something to do with those weird filters and making her laugh. I love when she laughs. It makes my soul smile.

🖤 Bathrooms- It is the damndest thing. I have a paranoid anxiety about public bathrooms but when I am anxious I will lock myself in a bathroom to calm down. I don’t know if it is the safety of the space or the fact that it is pitch dark but it works.

🖤 Water- There is a song called Water that I am obsessed with also staring at a shower head or soaking in the tub in the dark makes me feel better.

🖤 Fans- When my husband gets really pissed at me and tells me to “CALM THE FUCK DOWN” I go lay in the bedroom turn the ceiling fan on fall asleep and then I’m fine.

🖤 Not food- My anxiety keeps me from eating, usually because I get bubble guts or the need to vomit.

Here is a picture of my keys in my car because well…. it is my safe place.

Why deciding not to have more children is not a selfish thing and you shouldn’t shame people who make this decision.

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I have an 11 year old daughter. She has deep red auburn hair with my smile her daddy’s nose and the best of both of us. She is our heart and I can’t imagine life without her, but she is an only child for a reason.

It is rude to ask people who have one child when they are having more because it may not be in the cards for other people.  You should never ask someone this question or any question relative to people having children it is tacky.

Anyway my husband and I have been together since we were 16 and he had a shitty home life and had to take care of his younger brothers so he didn’t even know if he wanted children.  We decided after we got married and spent some time with our friend’s children that we weren’t necessary going to try, but if it happened then it did. All of friends said it took them around 6 months to get pregnant and since I knew nothing about getting pregnant or being pregnant I said we have time, but a month and half later we found I was pregnant. The way we found out was kind of awesome it was on my husband’s birthday. We were so excited and when we found out it was a girl my husband had tears in his eyes. I had a fairly easy pregnancy but at 8 weeks they told me I was more than likely going to have a miscarriage because my uterus wasn’t growing and back pain. I was about 2 weeks passed due when I had her naturally (I refused drugs which is a personal choice everyone is different) I couldn’t breastfeed and we went through a list of formulas for her.

She wasn’t an easy baby. She had colic and never slept while I was dealing with Post-Partum issues even when I denied it. There are parts of her life as a baby and toddler I can remember clearly, but when she was young I was diagnosed and our thought s about another child were gone.

It is amazing even when people knew about my illness they said it was selfish for me to use my illness as an excuse for not having another child. It isn’t selfish don’t ever tell anyone that it is a selfish decision it is for the safety of myself and the child. I talked to my doctor and all the meds I’m on aren’t safe to take while you are pregnant so I would have to wean myself off of those onto something not as strong to take while I was pregnant and then there were increase chances of miscarriages followed by the let’s hope the meds work. If I ever became manic or depressed and no one was around I could’ve easily killed myself or the baby. I also didn’t want to expose this child to the predisposition of having any of these illnesses because there are genetic factors with each one of them, but even with that would I ever change my mind about my daughter? I would love to say no, but I honestly don’t know. I see it in her the things she does like when I was younger and I worry she has it too. She’s seen child psychologist before about her anxiety, but I see her mood, here re/ actions to things and it was just like me and I pray that she isn’t cursed with it too. As a parent all you want to do is protect your child from everything but to know that I could’ve gave her something so serious hurts. I don’t want her to be like me, to go down the same roads I went down (I am hoping that if she is that my knowledge of everything will help.) She always says she wants to be like me but I don’t want her to be like me. I love her more than anything else in this world, but I never want to see her suffer through this shit.

The decision not to have more children was mostly mine and my husband supports and respects my decision, but don’t ever tell someone their reason for not having children is selfish because you don’t know the whole story. So I decided to not have any more children because of my mental health.