Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case. I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand?
TW: Suicide discussed (also I am not currently suicidal it is something that I have written just to get it off my chest.)
I feel like starting these letter with to whom it may concern to be to impersonal also because it concerns a lot of people. I know why you are reading this and just know it meant I was ready to go and I think the Lord was ready for me as well. I do believe that regardless of how I go that I will still go to heaven and I made peace with everything before I went but I know that isn’t how you feel. I know some of you are going to be angry, confused, upset and ask yourself why you didn’t see it coming; where were the signs? I don’t have the answer to that questions because they weren’t really there. It started off at ideation and grew quickly from there. There are letters addressed to my daughter, my husbands, my two best friends but for the rest of you this is the letter. I’m not even going to try that bs don’t be sad or anything else because however you feel the need to cope with it is how you will cope with it. I just ask when you do yell at me to refrain from using GD. I despise that word. This letter is just a blanket statement that I feel I am required to give so they know how to correctly identify it on my death certificate. I feel like the whole I’m sorry and extra bs in these letters is useless unless you were close to me.
I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.
I’ve had a horrible cold the last few days and it sucks. I hate being sick but I hate more when my depression turns into something that makes me physically ill which I believe is happening right now and it sucks. I came home from work and put tomato soup in a yeti cup because I am lazy and would rather drink it like that vs sipping it out of a bowl. It really helped my throat and I will say being sick is distracting me from other issues. I sound like I’ve smoked 2 packs of Marlboro Menthol’s a day my entire life. (In my brief smoking period I would only smoke menthol’s). My moods have sucked and I am trying to power through it but it is hard to do. I spend the day with my daughter and husband when I got home from work. My daughter eventually went to spend the night at my moms house so the hubby and I laid in bed eating Zaxbys and watching Better Things. (I am now obsessed with Better Things.) I love laying on Wayne there is something about my head on his chest that is so relaxing. No matter what is going on if my head is on his chest nothing else in the world matters at that moment. I am worried about so much mostly money and all of this. I don’t know what I am doing with this and what direction I want to go. I’ve fallen in love with my book again and I need to publish it but it seems so surreal actually finishing it and letting people see inside. I have a blog entry saved here that I occasionally type on when I’m in the mood but I need to focus dammit get all the pieces together and create the magic that started so long ago. I just need to get there again.
Prince William has revealed that every celebrity he asked to support his mental health charity three years ago refused.
The Duke of Cambridge was speaking at the Davos World Economic Forum when he admitted that “a lot” of famous people were approached to back his Heads Together initiative, but none wanted to be associated with mental illness (via BBC).
In 2017, William, Kate and Prince Harry founded the charity, which aims to tackle the stigma surrounding mental health.
The 36-year-old royal suggested that the wartime generation may have contributed to the stigma attached to mental health issues.
“For some reason, people are embarrassed about their emotions – British people particularly,” William told the audience of business leaders. “A whole generation inherited [this way of coping]. This was the way you deal with your problems: you don’t talk about it.”
I know we’ve all done it before made a list of things we want to change and in January we work extra hard and things are going to change….then something goes wrong and we stop. When I decided to stop drinking sodas and drinking more water, I didn’t wait for the New Year I just did it because I needed too. I was extremely unhealthy and I could drink a 6 pack of sodas in less than 8 hours but I never drank water and no matter how much I tried I could never quench my thirst because I was so dehydrated. I made the decision and I stuck with it. I knew I needed to make changes for things to improve and my health both physically and mentally. So I will continue into the New Year to do these things and my biggest changes are for my Instagram and blog. I am going to try and have monthly blog posts for my goals monthly and yearly, improve my relationship with my daughter.I want to hold myself accountable for the changes I need to make so I can grow and become a better version of me. I also want to lose weight, save money and stop swearing so much but I say that every year and it happens for a while then it stops. I really need to be more consistent with this. I willon Januaryput out my first list of monthly and yearly goals. We will still have weekly updates and posts of my shenanigans also the bipolar chronicles. I have a list of great things I want to accomplish and good content for my readers. So these are my resolutions and also go me!!! – Blog goals -Instagram goals -Improve my relationship with my daughter -Monthly goals -Yearly goals -lose weight? -stop swearing so much? -save money….wishful thinking
The holidays took up majority of my time so the blog is neglected.
I’ve kept instagram up to date so check it out.
I’ve started a gratitude journal. (Don’t worry it is coming)
I’ve now decided to make a post about every inspiration quote I find for each day of my gratitude journal. Which means I may back date some post, but don’t worry it will not end up like those damn challenges.
I really need to finish the bipolar Chronicles that are almost finished but I am lazy so yeah they are still in the draft phase.
Starting January 1st I will weekly post (maybe) keep up with the fact that I really need to lose weight. I’ve almost come up with a workout routine.
I am still on no sodas which has helped so much with my sleep and moods. I miss them sometimes but other times I remember how I couldn’t control myself and almost drank an entire 12 pack in less than 24 hours.
I am currently not exercising.
I finally caught up on sleep after my work schedule messed up my moods and sleep schedule. When I am off my routine chaos is always close by.
I hope everyone had a safe and happy holidays.
I plan to actually finish these and have enough to release on their own. This is a goal for next year.
I will post my BIG PLANS for next week on the last weekly update of 2018.