Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case. I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand?
TW: Suicide discussed (also I am not currently suicidal it is something that I have written just to get it off my chest.)
I feel like starting these letter with to whom it may concern to be to impersonal also because it concerns a lot of people. I know why you are reading this and just know it meant I was ready to go and I think the Lord was ready for me as well. I do believe that regardless of how I go that I will still go to heaven and I made peace with everything before I went but I know that isn’t how you feel. I know some of you are going to be angry, confused, upset and ask yourself why you didn’t see it coming; where were the signs? I don’t have the answer to that questions because they weren’t really there. It started off at ideation and grew quickly from there. There are letters addressed to my daughter, my husbands, my two best friends but for the rest of you this is the letter. I’m not even going to try that bs don’t be sad or anything else because however you feel the need to cope with it is how you will cope with it. I just ask when you do yell at me to refrain from using GD. I despise that word. This letter is just a blanket statement that I feel I am required to give so they know how to correctly identify it on my death certificate. I feel like the whole I’m sorry and extra bs in these letters is useless unless you were close to me.
I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.
I haven’t taken a shower in days. I don’t want to because I don’t want to be cold and the thought of the energy needed to accomplish such a task is overwhelming and when I get like this taking care of myself feels almost impossible the simple tasks that make me better…brushing your teeth things that most people do anyway because they have personal hygiene and I just don’t. There are also simple things I can do to make myself a better person that are also part of self-care.
To love myself– Yeah this is hard to do everything with my illness makes me want to hate myself. The weight gain how selfish I am because even though I don’t want it to everything ends up revolving around me. I don’t want to be the center of attention but when I start going through mood swings and other delights with this bullshit people have to walk on eggshells with me. I also think I look disgusting so there is that too. I am going to figure out how to make it better I am setting this example for my daughter so I need to try more.
Don’t step on the scale for the number– That is kind of why I step on the scale?? I try to avoid the scale if at it all possible, it can quickly make all the hard work and self esteem disappear. I am starting a new workout routine at the beginning of the year (I need to finish that schedule….) so hopefully I can be a little healthier for next year.
Your well being is more important than anything else– This is true and over the last few months I started learning this. I am getting better about setting boundaries and knowing when to stop. I’ve also learned to vocalize this better as well. I know with my temper issues there are times that I have to say, “I need a minute to calm down or I can’t have a productive conversation right now.” People don’t know how to take it when I fist say it until they see me pop my top then they quickly understand why I need a minute. It is sad that I have to get to that point for people to understand.
Let go of things that are out of your control- I don’t think anyone is capable of this completely. It is so hard to let stuff go that is out of your control because if you can control then you can fix it right? I feel that is how it should work but I don’t think that is the case. There are plenty of professional issues that I can control but the ones I can’t I hold on to and it causes a lot of problems for me. I have a problem with obsessing about things and I will overthink it so much it makes me sick. I am going to write down things I can’t control unfortunately not on here because I am limited in some of those subjects what I can and can’t talk about.
Forgive more, judge less, practice kindness- I grouped these all together because to me it is all one thought. If I can do one then the rest should follow in rather quickly which in theory sounds good but in reality probably isn’t going to happen. I really try to not judge people because of everything I’ve been through and done I wouldn’t want someone to judge me based on that. People tell me I am kind but I don’t always see it. I have the kindness I don’t flaunt on social media because it is only kind if you do it without justification from strangers. If I find money on the ground or someone drops something I don’t post on social media guess what I did because everyone doesn’t need to know everything small thing I do, but now I am judging people dammit. It is a lot harder than you think. I am forgiving with my husband but other people not so much. My husband and daughters feelings are the ones I care about the most other people meh. If we are close and I actually like you of course I will forgive you if not then I don’t know what to tell you shit sucks, get over it. I am trying to be more forgiving, but I will not apologize for my illness or steps I need to do to take care of myself you can just suck my dick on that. I am doing everything I can to take care of me and if it doesn’t fit in your bubble then again suck my dick.