Tag: instagram

If it doesn’t challenge you it won’t change you

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Everything is a challenge for me. My illness is a challenge and it has done a lot to change me but recently everything that I hold resent has changed me and I don’t know what to do. I am faced with all of these challenges but I can’t figure out how to make the best better. I sometimes like the challenge because it makes me feel like I am almost human that I could possibly function like other people then I am reminded I am not like other people. I have a curse/gift (depends on the day.) that will forever make me different from everyone else. I don’t always like to be reminded of it. I really hope I make something out of this next year. Cheers to hope and wishes.

Remember Why You Started

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It started with the AFSP Out of the Darkness walk telling my story, being a year clean, and raising money and awareness for the walk this year. I had an “open mic night” to raise awareness and I told my story and read two pieces that were based off my life. The room was silent when I finished they saw the post I shared about bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and suicide but they never knew how much I was suffering. After that night I learned that people understood it more coming from me and what I was going through. I made up my mind to open up about it and on 9/12/18 I started a blog on WordPress paid a little money and now I have a blog. I also decided I wanted an Instagram and I started posting learning that I could hashtag and get more views. I am still trying to find the sweet spot, but I am doing this to tell my story also to be more comfortable for my book to be released even on the more difficult day my blog gives me inspiration I need.

Shoot for the moon even if you miss you will land among the stars.

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I needed something uplifting after the day I had. I am so stressed out with everything happening around me. I haven’t had a chance to update everything the way I wanted to. I need a vacation from everything. I am trying to figure out how to manage everything and be there for people emotionally, mentally and physically but it is so hard. I can only be a good support system for so long before I collapse and need you more than you needed me. I am trying to do better drinking more water but it isn’t helping at all. I need guidance over this next year on exactly what I should do. I feel like I am lost completely.

Self love isn’t selfish it is important

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  • I haven’t taken a shower in days. I don’t want to because I don’t want to be cold and the thought of the energy needed to accomplish such a task is overwhelming and when I get like this taking care of myself feels almost impossible the simple tasks that make me better…brushing your teeth things that most people do anyway because they have personal hygiene and I just don’t. There are also simple things I can do to make myself a better person that are also part of self-care.
    • To love myself– Yeah this is hard to do everything with my illness makes me want to hate myself. The weight gain how selfish I am because even though I don’t want it to everything ends up revolving around me. I don’t want to be the center of attention but when I start going through mood swings and other delights with this bullshit people have to walk on eggshells with me. I also think I look disgusting so there is that too. I am going to figure out how to make it better I am setting this example for my daughter so I need to try more.
    • Don’t step on the scale for the number– That is kind of why I step on the scale?? I try to avoid the scale if at it all possible, it can quickly make all the hard work and self esteem disappear. I am starting a new workout routine at the beginning of the year (I need to finish that schedule….) so hopefully I can be a little healthier for next year.
    • Your well being is more important than anything else– This is true and over the last few months I started learning this. I am getting better about setting boundaries and knowing when to stop. I’ve also learned to vocalize this better as well. I know with my temper issues there are times that I have to say, “I need a minute to calm down or I can’t have a productive conversation right now.” People don’t know how to take it when I fist say it until they see me pop my top then they quickly understand why I need a minute. It is sad that I have to get to that point for people to understand.
      Let go of things that are out of your control- I don’t think anyone is capable of this completely. It is so hard to let stuff go that is out of your control because if you can control then you can fix it right? I feel that is how it should work but I don’t think that is the case. There are plenty of professional issues that I can control but the ones I can’t I hold on to and it causes a lot of problems for me. I have a problem with obsessing about things and I will overthink it so much it makes me sick. I am going to write down things I can’t control unfortunately not on here because I am limited in some of those subjects what I can and can’t talk about.
      Forgive more, judge less, practice kindness- I grouped these all together because to me it is all one thought. If I can do one then the rest should follow in rather quickly which in theory sounds good but in reality probably isn’t going to happen. I really try to not judge people because of everything I’ve been through and done I wouldn’t want someone to judge me based on that. People tell me I am kind but I don’t always see it. I have the kindness I don’t flaunt on social media because it is only kind if you do it without justification from strangers. If I find money on the ground or someone drops something I don’t post on social media guess what I did because everyone doesn’t need to know everything small thing I do, but now I am judging people dammit. It is a lot harder than you think. I am forgiving with my husband but other people not so much. My husband and daughters feelings are the ones I care about the most other people meh. If we are close and I actually like you of course I will forgive you if not then I don’t know what to tell you shit sucks, get over it. I am trying to be more forgiving, but I will not apologize for my illness or steps I need to do to take care of myself you can just suck my dick on that. I am doing everything I can to take care of me and if it doesn’t fit in your bubble then again suck my dick.

    Grateful Day 23, 24 and 25 a beautiful view of nature.

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    Yep. I am combining these as much as possible.

    We went to Chattanooga recently (I promise that there will be a post about it soon!!) and while we were there I took way too many pictures as always, but I can’t get enough of this view. It is beautiful. We were at Ruby Falls on top of the tower. You get a good view of the mountains, Tennessee River and downtown Chattanooga. It is so peaceful like ocean waves it can clear your head and think better places like this even if I am terrified of heights.

    Grateful Day 21- Wooden/ something from the walk

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    We always walk through Midtown to get to Piedmont Park for the AFSP walk and every year we pass by the same Irish Pub and say we are going to stop there but never do for some reason but this year we were finally able to. Fado’s is amazing and if you have a chance to stop in I definitely recommend it. You can never beat a good burger and theirs is one of the best I’ve ever had. I love when burgers are served like this. You know they are going to be delicious. I think this will be our new tradition. 🖤

    Grateful Challenge Day 18- Bay window/Something in home

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    This is the bay window in our house. I love this window it signifies all the major changes in our life. We lived in a house that was free and my family owned which was great while we were getting our lives together and going through some major changes but in 2013 we decided we needed a change and moved into a condo that was way over our budget because we needed separation from everyone while we got the rest of our lives together. Our money situation was horrible. My husband and I weren’t used to rent. The last time we paid rent was in 2005 so it was relearning the process all over again. We wanted to buy a house, a house that was ours and no matter what we did it would stay ours forever. If you’ve ever tried to go through the process of buying a house you know how long and drawn out it is. We went through this process in 2005 as well while we were living in Athens and after paying for all the inspections and everything else the real estate agent made us do we could never get the loan. When we went to Bank of America this evil bitch made a joke about us going to Habitat for a house because it would be the only way we would be able to get one. Our credit wasn’t great; we weren’t really taught about credit or building your credit to buy anything. We had credit cards that were past due, over limit, and when we didn’t have money we just kind of said. “Fuck it.” This are definitely things we will teach our daughter, but we had to go through a ton of bad decisions to finally make a good one. The house we currently live in was a foreclosure and through some special circumstances we were able to move into this house. (We had a lot of help from family.) This house isn’t huge but for our small family it is perfect. We were able to make some improvements to this house and are continually finding ways to make it better.

    Grateful Day 15- Technology love my iPad

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    I love my iPad probably way too much. I’ve learned how to make it function around my blog. I use it for everything now dealing with my social media. I still can’t believe that I’ve accomplished all of these things in such a short time. I am so excited to see what the next few months bring and my Ipad coming along for the ride. I think I would be lost without it. It has all my information, passwords and everything in between. I probably shouldn’t rely on it as much as I do. What do you love about technology.