I’ve had a horrible cold the last few days and it sucks. I hate being sick but I hate more when my depression turns into something that makes me physically ill which I believe is happening right now and it sucks. I came home from work and put tomato soup in a yeti cup because I am lazy and would rather drink it like that vs sipping it out of a bowl. It really helped my throat and I will say being sick is distracting me from other issues. I sound like I’ve smoked 2 packs of Marlboro Menthol’s a day my entire life. (In my brief smoking period I would only smoke menthol’s). My moods have sucked and I am trying to power through it but it is hard to do. I spend the day with my daughter and husband when I got home from work. My daughter eventually went to spend the night at my moms house so the hubby and I laid in bed eating Zaxbys and watching Better Things. (I am now obsessed with Better Things.) I love laying on Wayne there is something about my head on his chest that is so relaxing. No matter what is going on if my head is on his chest nothing else in the world matters at that moment. I am worried about so much mostly money and all of this. I don’t know what I am doing with this and what direction I want to go. I’ve fallen in love with my book again and I need to publish it but it seems so surreal actually finishing it and letting people see inside. I have a blog entry saved here that I occasionally type on when I’m in the mood but I need to focus dammit get all the pieces together and create the magic that started so long ago. I just need to get there again.
I’ve limited myself some to social media also my blog and it is so I don’t irritate everything a little more. The man is back and as I write about him in my journal I draw him as I see him. I did talk about how he looks like slenderman but he doesn’t start that way he grows and depending on how bad things are going he grows quickly and changes shapes which is what he is doing right now. I talked to Tater who thinks I am a bit manic right now, but I don’t think I am. I think the man just wants to come out and scare me. I’ve started watching him not on purpose but he manages to catch my eye and keep my attention. I realize how this sounds as I write it but I don’t know how else to explain what he is doing. I am trying really hard to get through this and I don’t know what to do anymore. Medicine doesn’t make him stop only I can make him stop I think. If I could just focus my mind maybe he will go away. It is the only thing I know. I will call my psychiatrist who will tell me to come see him and we will talk about not giving in and ways to ignore him and how medicine won’t do any good then he will bring up if the man is talking to me inpatient. NO ONE WANTS INPATIENT!!!!! I have to learn how to control him. I have to take control of my illness and especially him.
I am also dealing with the lows and agitation. That is one of the harder parts then the man. I have to be around people who tell me how horrible their life is and how I could never understand what they are going through and that mine is nowhere near as bad as them. I try to never say that to anyone because I know just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there but I hate when people say it to me. I am also limited on talking about it since it makes certain people uncomfortable. There are so many things wrong with my illness and depending where I am it limits my conversations. I know it shouldn’t be that way but it is. I am so tired but I am always tired and the lows suck. I just want to be home sleeping in my bed. I will try to keep you updated with everything as much as I can. Thank you so much for your love time and patience.
I made a list of every anti psychotic, antidepressant, anxiety, mood stabilizer I could think of and when I hit 20 I just stopped because I know how high the number will get then there is how many different doses of that medication I was on. PLEASE DO NOT MAKE COMMENTS TO PEOPLE ABOUT HOW MUCH MEDICINE THEY TAKE. THERE IS NO SHAME IN TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. I can remember most of them and I have listed it for you below. My medication process has been horrible. I have gone through 3 different insurance companies and with none for awhile. I do realize that this medication works better with therapy but I don’t like therapy so I just take meds. It may not seem like a lot 20 different prescriptions but really it is, see each one wasn’t a time shot and that was it we went back and forth on dosage over and over again when that one stopped working we weaned off of it onto another one. It is a never ending cycle of figuring out which ones work together and then praying that you don’t build a tolerance for it. Per the FDA I am maxed out on the medication I am currently on so if stuff starts to change I have to go through the process again and I hate weaning myself off of medication especially benzos. The pain of withdrawals to me is like someone slowly pulling off toe nails. Every medicine has a story and a memory those benzodiazepines are going to have the best stories.
- Lexapro– I despise this medication. I think it should be taken off the market it is absolutely horrible and my psychiatrist from the Psychiatric hospital who diagnosed me incorrectly was a pill pusher and every time I told him I felt worse he kept upping the fucking dose. When I stopped seeing him I just stopped taking it all together which made me manic. You will see a manic trend continue. When I stopped taking it he in a mere 2 months had me taking 50 mg a day and we started at 10 mg. He was an asshole and a pill pusher. I was suicidal the entire time I was on the medication and my doctor just didn’t listen or care he kept trying to put me back in the hospital. This entire time with Lexapro was extremely emotionally and mentally exhausting. I was just diagnosed so everything felt like a nightmare.
- Klonopin- I started again at .25 mg and ended at 4 mg because it just stopped working. I started abusing benzodiazepine with these.
- Xanax– This is going to be a long and emotional journey. Klonopin and Valium didn’t work and yes I took them together and he prescribed .25 mg Xanax take as needed. Who knew it would start a 5 year journey with dependency and addiction. There will be an entire blog dedicated to my Xanax issues. .25 mg came to 2 mg ir and 2 mg er. You don’t ask to be addicted to anything. I never took Xanax and said, “This is fun lets fuck the rest of my life, money and almost my job to my benzodiazepine issues.” If you think that is how it works kindly go fuck yourself with cactus.
- Ativan- I can’t take Ativan it makes me manic. I have Ativan to thank for the hospital visit. I went to the ER for anxiety and they gave me Ativan it was on a Friday by the time Monday came around my husband was exhausted trying to keep my ass out of trouble. There are stories and some are really funny like “sleeping” and jumping up running around naked, trying to leave and naked to go to work. I also called my boss consistently from about 2 am to 4:30 am to tell them I wouldn’t be at work the next day. (They knew that already but I apparently didn’t know that part.) They did play along until my husband took my phone away. These are the same reasons I can’t Ambien, (the ambien was not legally prescribed to me.)
- Halcion- These tiny blue fuckers were my absolutely favorite to overdose on. They are strong sedative and I never actually took the FDA recommend dosage when I had them. I had .5 mg and would take 4 or 5 at a time because being numb felt better then anything else.
- Haldol- This was a temp medicine in 2015 when I was having psychosis issues. It works but kind of zombie me out. I was in a drug induced psychosis.
- Restoril- Helps me sleep. It is a sedative. I’ve been on it for about a year now and when I run out and CVS won’t fill it because they suck. I can feel the differences.
- Lamictal– Old faithful; Lamictal and I have a long history together but it’s been the only medicine consistently helped with my moods (especially now since I take as directed.) I’ve been on Lamictal for about 3 years maybe a little longer. I started at 25 mg and now I am at 400 mg. When you face start Lamictal they tell you if you get a rash you need to go the ER immediately because it can eat flesh or some fucked up shit. When I tried to die by suicide in 2015 I would go days without taking my Lamictal and then I would take 600 to 700 mg at one time. The fact that after any of these stories I am still alive is amazing. So your mood stabilizer doesn’t work if you don’t take it correctly. It’s been good to me though and as it keeps working I will keep with it but the day it isn’t weaning myself off of it will be a bitch.
- Lithium- It was like having the fucking flu. It made me feel horrible. I tried it for a short while at a small dose but I had bad reaction.
- Seroquel- Started off with a low dose 2 years ago and now I am maxed out at 700 mg. You can get high from it (don’t get high) and it is the only thing that helps me sleep.
- Fanapt- Antipsychotic never worked kept it because of insurance causes memory lapses and is some strange shit.
- Geodon– This was a very short lived medication. This medicine had something to do with the “Affordable Care Act” which is pure bullshit. I paid $125 a month and it didn’t cover my doctor and the majority of medication. We had to adjust meds to they would be covered by the insurance company even with insurance I was still paying over $120 a month for medicine. My dr is awesome because I lived off samples for about 6 months. Geodon didn’t work. It was a crappy medicine that I had to be weaned off of to start a new one.
- Thorazine- These pills are currently my new best friend. I have so many problems with dreams and they have helped and been a major improvement to my sleep and dreams.
- Valium- It was good for snorting and that was about it.
- Trazadone- My fucked up asshole hospital psychiatrist prescribed these with Lexapro because he is an idiot. I seriously think he printed out a degree from online because it takes a true idiot to prescribe medication the way he did.
- Nuvigil– It taste horrible. It doesn’t matter if you have water in your mouth and when you swallow. It is for people with narcolepsy. They gave it to me to help wake me up because it is so hard for me to go to sleep. I used to take it with 3 20 ounce Redbulls and then I kept dealing with manic and psychosis issues.
- Provigil- See Nuvigil same thing dosage of 500 mg mixed it with energy drinks fucked up my brain. I also want to point out that I am not responsible with medication.
- Risperdal- Don’t remember much about it. This is one of the transitional medications because of insurance.
- Latuda- This medicine was prescribed to me because of insurance reasons. I was on it for a couple of months until my insurance changed again. I didn’t like it and
- Prazosin- I am on this for the second time the first time I was on a 5 mg dose with Lexapro and Klonopin, Now my smart dr has me on 2 mg to help with nightmares. They also give it to men with with prostate issues. It kind of works but I think the other pills with it make it better.
If you made it through the medicine history then you know this is just the tip of the iceberg for psychological medications. Every medicine is different depending on the person but this is my “LEGALLY” prescribed medication. I would love to hear you stories too.