Tag: psych nightmares

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those do matter don’t mind.- Dr. Seuss

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I stayed up for New Years!! I got my kiss and followed the superstitions about not cleaning, spending money, washing, and eating greens, black eyed peas and ham for good luck. I love actually having a day off with my family especially a holiday those don’t happen very often but it also makes it harder to leave them because if I had my choice this would be my job and I would get to spend more time with them, but I need some miracles to happen for that. I am busting my ass trying to figure out the right formula to make this go viral. I realize that this itself is a job and everyday I am learning it more and more everyday the amount of time it takes to engage your readers, post, keep up with your social media. It can be a 5 or 6 hour day if you are behind like me. I need a manager to stay on me to get this where it needs to be. The last two weeks or so I’ve had a problem with peoples stupid opinions and critics of me and things I am doing wrong (according to them) and I can’t handle judgement very well so it bothers me and I don’t know how to fix it but good old Dr. Seuss reminded me to not let that shit get to me. So I am trying but it is hard to do.

Stats:

No workout

85 ounces of water

Mood: 😐 and 😦

If it doesn’t challenge you it won’t change you

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Everything is a challenge for me. My illness is a challenge and it has done a lot to change me but recently everything that I hold resent has changed me and I don’t know what to do. I am faced with all of these challenges but I can’t figure out how to make the best better. I sometimes like the challenge because it makes me feel like I am almost human that I could possibly function like other people then I am reminded I am not like other people. I have a curse/gift (depends on the day.) that will forever make me different from everyone else. I don’t always like to be reminded of it. I really hope I make something out of this next year. Cheers to hope and wishes.

Shoot for the moon even if you miss you will land among the stars.

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I needed something uplifting after the day I had. I am so stressed out with everything happening around me. I haven’t had a chance to update everything the way I wanted to. I need a vacation from everything. I am trying to figure out how to manage everything and be there for people emotionally, mentally and physically but it is so hard. I can only be a good support system for so long before I collapse and need you more than you needed me. I am trying to do better drinking more water but it isn’t helping at all. I need guidance over this next year on exactly what I should do. I feel like I am lost completely.

Cold Rainy days+ head cold + mood swings + anxiety + lack of sleep = My current state

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I’m just not sleeping well between the dreams and anxiety it’s hard. When I don’t sleep my anxiety gets worse and I start to have misfires in my brain. When this happens my words jumble, my hands won’t stop shaking, I stutter really bad and I can’t focus on anything. I will tell people around me something isn’t right because part of me that is not overly medicated to tell, but something needs to recognize it so we can be cautious in any mood changes. I am extremely clingy when this happens and it is annoying but my husband understands and tries to deal with it as best as he can. It makes everything else I do extremely difficult and the part of my brain that knows better just doesn’t function at all and do things that are “out of the normal” for social settings. My brain just can’t function at this point so something has to give. I need to sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. I’ve mixed some night time cold meds with my regular medicine so let’s fuck some shit up and see what happens.

I noticed the signs which are important I’m scared for psychosis, schizophrenic episodes, suicidal thoughts, the man you know the shit that happens when someone likes me stops sleeping and my mind takes it as a challenge to see how much shit we can fuck up. We’ve dealt with some down moods but now it’s time for the worse half to appear. Lately, I have thought of every reason to get high and not to. I will keep you updated on the situation as it unfolds.

PSA: Yes I talk about my illness different than most people. If you think it is all fake then you’ve never dealt with me before in any capacity you would know I’m fucked in the head.

Bipolar Schizophrenia psychosis vs. Hollywood film industry’s version of “Horror films”

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Let’s start with this none of these “Horror Films” actually scare me but they do mess with my brain. I don’t do blood, guts and gore just because my stomach can’t handle it, but as far as movies like The Conjuring, The Nun movies like that I love watching them not because it scares me but it starts to make me about paranoid. I think a lot of them have good story lines and I enjoy them but they do mess with my head especially with my dreams. There isn’t anything in any of these movies that are scarier then what is already in my head and if filmmakers want some seriously fucked up shit I am willingly to share it with them for the right price. People seem to enjoy these types of fucked up things.

Here is what happens; I watch/listen to the movies and don’t think much of it meanwhile the man finds this as ammunition to use later. He takes the images and distorts them into something that no person who has never experienced these, could ever write about. I struggle everyday with dreams and I know I am making it worse on myself tonight. My dreams are already fucked up. The man started talking to me yesterday and I wonder if he is egging this on right now. He isn’t a good person the man. So let’s see what happens tomorrow.

🖤Day 31 🖤 Weird Quirk of Mine

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First let me say I DID IT!!!! All 31 days it was challenging at times but I did learn something’s about myself in the process.

Ok…. weird quirks of mine. My illness does that count??

~ I bite my lip when I get anxious

– I hear voices and sounds all the time

– I hallucinate almost every night

– I can swallow multiple pills at once

– When my anxiety gets really bad and I start to hear the man I pace back and forth talking to myself

– I can’t take Ativan which is odd

– I am terrified of heights

– If you start to tickle me it turns into an anxiety attack

– I can’t hide in places because of anxiety

– I have crippling anxiety

– I don’t like to use the word hate it is a waste of an emotion

– I can’t stop swearing it is part of my everyday activity

That’s it unless you want me to go through everything with my illness

It’s been real 31 day challenge

🖤