I am actually caught up!! Hooray who would’ve thought that I would catch up at the actual beginning of the month. Miracles happen everyday. I accomplished so much today and I even had to work. I spent most of my time listening to Mac Miller and working on this. I am hoping that I can keep this up. I am still struggling with my moods and the man is getting worse everyday. I am trying to keep him contained to night time because upswings help with me not sleeping. I may or may not be tired in the morning who the fuck knows anymore. I miss caffeine so much at least then I guaranteed to have some up swings. I almost got in a fight with Wayne but I caught myself before it got bad, I just need the man to go the fuck away and I will be calling my doctor tomorrow. YAY!!

Today was an okay day. I went to work and it felt like a lifetime before I left. I took one of my co-workers to and from work today. We stopped and got something to eat which was fun. Wayne and my daughter had tacos from a local store. I am tired today. I mean like really tired and I don’t know why because I got a lot of sleep. I guess it was just the day I had. I am starting to see things more often and thinking they are real is becoming harder to deny. My dreams are becoming more realistic too and scarier. I had a dream we had to go get something in Germany and every time I tried to leave I started to disintegrate and I could never get free. The man was there laughing. He’s been in all of my dreams the past week and it is scarier and scarier that he is hanging around. I thought we did this already the whole booga booga thing. We completed this cycle so why are we doing it again. (I am aware it isn’t that simple.) I want to stop going in circles. I guess it is time to call my doctor and make more adjustments. I hate this part.  The man wants to be seen and he is making that very clear now.

I AM OFF WORK TODAY!!! YAY!! HAPPY DANCE! Today I intended to finish my blog work on Wednesday and just work on the book today but as you read from Wednesday I got very little accomplished but I hung out with my daughter so that was okay. I keep seeing things that aren’t there and it is slowly getting worse. The man is front and center now. I am not working on my book or my blog like I am supposed to but I am writing in my journal which is a plus. If none of you knew I keep a daily journal mostly to track my moods and I use these as blog posts because I find that my day to day doings are interesting enough for a daily musings. If I am wrong please let me know. I need to keep up with the gentlemen helping me with my book. I don’t want him to wait on me for chapters that I realize need so much work. I also have thoughts that randomly appear that is why these paragraphs don’t always make sense.

Today: the man bad: not writing sucks: neglecting blog sad: me BLAH and overly dramatic sometimes

I am only working today and I am off tomorrow. So just make it through today. I have a day off and I can sleep and work on my blog. The day went by slowly and was extremely rough for me. I honestly wish my brain would decide which way we are going now. We keep skipping around and this is a rock skipping competition we need to get this shit straightened out. I have stuff to do that I have neglected this far.

I need to make sure I get organized so I can make this a reality writing my job. It is the job I want more than anything and I will keep pushing until I get there dammit. Those pretend ideas where I am signing these book deals turned to movie deals will become true one day.

Today started off really weird but ended on a high note. Wayne and I had a really odd fight about a shirt which makes no sense but I feel like sometimes you just need to argue and maybe that is just me. I feel like holding in emotions (yep I am saying this) isn’t healthy and sometimes you just need to get mad at someone to get it out of your system. We ended up going to see Captain Marvel which was pretty good. My moods are out of whack and if I had my choice I would rather deal with the downs then this shit. My daughter is on Spring Break so we hung out more today. I keep having more and more fucked up dreams. I wish they would just stop and I realize that if I saw a therapist it would help a great deal but we’ve been down that road and it isn’t happening again.

Today my daughter went on a day trip with 4H and it is my day off. We went and got shaved ice after and had a great time. My plan is to update my blog so Wednesday and Friday I can focus on the book. That is my hope anyway. I’ve also noticed that when I pull out my journal in places that aren’t home people look at me funny. The man is back again which is always awesome. He is creeping in there little by little fucking with my head. The worst part is when I’m sleeping so if it stays contained to sleep we can figure it out. I feel like right now I am strong enough to hold it out but Jolene isn’t having any of it. We will see which mood triumphs in victory hopefully it is the one that is stable.

I love Mondays!! I know everyone else despises them but I do love Mondays because it is my Friday which means I have two whole days off and my daughter is on Spring break which means I get to hang out with her. Work as always is work. (I know several of you have asked where I work and what I do for a living besides being an awesome blogger but I can’t talk about it.) Today after work we had left over pizza and my husband had the beer I bought him. He lets me go and pick out his beer for him now. He drinks ales and IPA’s so it is always weird name beer.

My moods are rapid cycling. I think I can it official and I am starting to see things again. I really don’t want to deal with this again. Why won’t it just go the fuck away and stay there. I am in a better head space so I am able to tell myself it isn’t real.