Tag: remember my name

I’m sorry that I’m so complicated and mess everything up

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Today Wayne and I got in a fight. I had an ok day at work but after that I came home and the world crashed around me. I came home from work and I wanted to tell him about my day but I felt like he wasn’t listening also when I got home I wanted to do something different because I am so tired of structure in my life. It is like I do the same fucking thing everyday I go to work, come home spend time with Wayne and my daughter, eat supper and then I take my medicine and go to bed. I wasn’t meant for this life of fucking structure. I am so tired of being stuck in this routine but the flip side is without structure and routine I end up making bad decisions on impulse and usually they are dangerous to me. It can cause a lot of problems that I’ve avoided the last year because of this fucking routine. It is a double edge sword and I feel like I need a break from it but that is almost impossible.

I got mad without realizing how mad I was until Wayne made it apparent to me. I was screaming, swearing but I hurt my daughter and that is the hardest part. I said some not so nice things without realizing it (this again is why I need to save up for therapy when she gets older.) When I snapped back into reality she was in her room sobbing and Wayne had to start yelling to get me to snap back where I was and what was happening. I fell apart and even when I tried to make things better it just made things worse. I really fucked up this time and it’s been awhile since I accomplished such a task in a small amount of time. I went in our bedroom closed the door and started sobbing. This is the sobbing I’ve wanted for weeks which sounds odd but if it comes out then I am able to complete a cycle of fucked uppedness that I go through. I think it is similar to the phases in the moon, but when I started crying I couldn’t stop no matter what I tried there was no calming down and all I wanted to do was the one thing I am not able to do anymore which is pop a couple of pills succumb to the high and numb myself from all the pain, but it is no longer an option so I had to deal with it. I am still not good at dealing with my emotions and it just sunk me down further and my heart just broke a little more. It is hard dealing with emotions that are so extreme they feel like it is slowly killing me from the inside. I just want to be numb right now.

I took apart a laminator today.

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I took apart a laminator today. It was jammed so badly the paper would not come out and usually these things don’t bother me but for some reason today it did, today it felt like that laminator was part of my life but it was a part that I could fix. If I took it apart the way I took apart my feelings when I put it back together all of those overwhelming problems would disappear. I unscrewed all the screws and I closed my eyes long enough to imagine the screws to my brain were free and I pulled the jammed papers that were nothing more than bad thoughts stuck between the two ends but no matter what I used or how hard I pulled it wouldn’t budge and I knew those thoughts were stuck in the same place. I used every bit of force I could but it was in such an odd position the paper still wouldn’t move and I thought about every bad thought I’d had today about myself, my life and the people around me that were jammed in all the small places and even thought they weren’t in my mins right then they were sitting there waiting for the right moment to set free. I worked on this laminator for an hour and no one bothered or stopped me from it I was just so focused on fixing it and being able to say that I fixed what was broken and I could accomplish this here I could anywhere.

I suffered defeat though no matter what I did I just couldn’t make it work. I felt like a failure I’m sitting here unable to fix this object that is sitting in front of me, it only requires a few nuts and bolts, so I definitely can’t fix me. I am way more complicated then a few nuts and bolts. How am I going to get myself out of this rut and will I ever be able to? Why am I here I’m taking my meds so what’s changed? I put it back together knowing it will never be the same again, but neither will my feelings nothing fit back the way it came out and I’m just stuck.

How my brain works: utterly obsessed or uninterested

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I got my hair cut today and now I’m obsessed with products and things to make it beautiful. I do this with everything and that is a big problem with my book I get so interested and obsessed and soak myself in and then it happens I just lose all interest in it. It’s starting to happen with my blog and that it is hard to deal with. I want to stay motivated and want to do it but at the same time I get so wrapped up in it I lose all concept of time. All of this stress is causing more issues.

I prefer my bad dreams be vague from 1/8/19

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Today I sat myself in a tub in my bootleg homemade sensory deprivation tank because my dreams are horrible….again. The sensory deprivation tank probably isn’t a good idea because all of my dreams involve me drowning and waking up in the middle of the night in a complete panic. This is why I go to sleep so early that way when I fall asleep and wake up 36373 times it isn’t horrible. I am on different medicine for sleep we also upped the other medicine to help, but I honestly think I actually need to bite the dust and see someone. They aren’t getting any better and nothing is helping not even my bootleg version of a sensory deprivation tank. I don’t want to go through the issues of trying to find a therapist my insurance covers, making an appointment, filling out the mound of paperwork only to find out they suck and I have to start over again as you can tell I’ve been burned by therapist quite a few times. I just don’t want to talk about all my feelings and relive the terrible horrible awful thing that happened because that dream is super fun to have again and again until we can “work it out.” The point is to not feel like this anymore. I’ve gone to counselors who have “sweetly” told me that I need a psycho therapist……Thanks because I needed you to reassure me that I am that paranoid and delusional as I feel. I feel like it should be a free if you like me then pay me situation. I realize that isn’t fair to the therapist, but neither is me paying to stare at you the first two or three visits to sum up whether or not I like or trust you. I promised my psychiatrist I would find a therapist and I am about to run out of luck on that. I can only postpone it for so long before he starts talking about in patient treatment. Those are words of death to anyone in the mental health community “inpatient” gives me chills thinking about it. If you’ve been lucky enough to escape it thus far keep it up. You DO NOT want to go to the psych hospital. It is hard sometimes to know what is right and what is wrong. I just need to get it figured out. I am dreading the process.

Yearly Goals- Blog

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  • Upgrade account to business
  • profit off ads
  • 300 subscribers
  • 1000 post
  • complete Bipolar Chronicles
  • average likes per day 35+
  • average visitors (please turn into subscribers) 500+
  • good content
  • advertise my page
  • keep up with workout story

 

Little moments make big memories

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I found something today that was a big part of my past in a positive way. These are the things that made a difference in my life. It involves people who made a huge impact in my life. It made me sad to see it I miss these people so much and no they aren’t dead they just moved away and are no longer around anymore. I miss them so much and I know they are tired of hearing from me so much but their presence helps so much. This is a short update.

Weekly Update 16 (late as always)

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  • My gratitude posts with awesome quotes are actually my day to day issues and struggles. I never run out of those.
  • I said I was starting a diet but I watched YouTube and ate pizza so there’s that.
  • I am drinking more water which gets me started on the right track.
  • No caffeine though with lack of sleep is getting really hard to do.
  • Monthly and yearly goals are ready to be posted. I am excited to see where we end up.
  • I have 15 drafts currently going for the Bipolar Chronicles. The best thing to do would be to actually finish them.
  • I would scroll down some there are blog post I backdate and I don’t want you to miss any of the good stuff.
  • My New Years was awesome and I rang it in with my two favorite people.
  • We will see you next week with more updates!!!

I’m proud of her

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My husband is proud of me but not in the way others might think. Of course he brags to people about my blog and Instagram accounts but he is proud of me. He is proud of how strong I am when I need to be, how weak I can be and the ability to show when I’m vulnerable. He is proud after years of hiding my emotions I tell him now when I’m overwhelmed when my anxiety is so bad I can’t actually communicate properly. He is proud of me because I communicate with him and even the tiniest detail can make a huge difference. He is proud of me for being open about my illness and sharing even the hardest of stories. He is proud to see the person I’m becoming and being a part of this amazing person he’s always known was in there but waited to come out. He understands when I don’t want to eat or shower but encourages me anyway with simple things that will make me happy about it. When I hear him say he is proud of me I get tears in my eyes because I remember the old days. He is proud of me and while he can’t combat things like my wife ran a half marathon with my wife took a shower for the first time in days. I know he is proud of me.