Today Wayne and I got in a fight. I had an ok day at work but after that I came home and the world crashed around me. I came home from work and I wanted to tell him about my day but I felt like he wasn’t listening also when I got home I wanted to do something different because I am so tired of structure in my life. It is like I do the same fucking thing everyday I go to work, come home spend time with Wayne and my daughter, eat supper and then I take my medicine and go to bed. I wasn’t meant for this life of fucking structure. I am so tired of being stuck in this routine but the flip side is without structure and routine I end up making bad decisions on impulse and usually they are dangerous to me. It can cause a lot of problems that I’ve avoided the last year because of this fucking routine. It is a double edge sword and I feel like I need a break from it but that is almost impossible.
I got mad without realizing how mad I was until Wayne made it apparent to me. I was screaming, swearing but I hurt my daughter and that is the hardest part. I said some not so nice things without realizing it (this again is why I need to save up for therapy when she gets older.) When I snapped back into reality she was in her room sobbing and Wayne had to start yelling to get me to snap back where I was and what was happening. I fell apart and even when I tried to make things better it just made things worse. I really fucked up this time and it’s been awhile since I accomplished such a task in a small amount of time. I went in our bedroom closed the door and started sobbing. This is the sobbing I’ve wanted for weeks which sounds odd but if it comes out then I am able to complete a cycle of fucked uppedness that I go through. I think it is similar to the phases in the moon, but when I started crying I couldn’t stop no matter what I tried there was no calming down and all I wanted to do was the one thing I am not able to do anymore which is pop a couple of pills succumb to the high and numb myself from all the pain, but it is no longer an option so I had to deal with it. I am still not good at dealing with my emotions and it just sunk me down further and my heart just broke a little more. It is hard dealing with emotions that are so extreme they feel like it is slowly killing me from the inside. I just want to be numb right now.