I’ve limited myself some to social media also my blog and it is so I don’t irritate everything a little more. The man is back and as I write about him in my journal I draw him as I see him. I did talk about how he looks like slenderman but he doesn’t start that way he grows and depending on how bad things are going he grows quickly and changes shapes which is what he is doing right now. I talked to Tater who thinks I am a bit manic right now, but I don’t think I am. I think the man just wants to come out and scare me. I’ve started watching him not on purpose but he manages to catch my eye and keep my attention. I realize how this sounds as I write it but I don’t know how else to explain what he is doing. I am trying really hard to get through this and I don’t know what to do anymore. Medicine doesn’t make him stop only I can make him stop I think. If I could just focus my mind maybe he will go away. It is the only thing I know. I will call my psychiatrist who will tell me to come see him and we will talk about not giving in and ways to ignore him and how medicine won’t do any good then he will bring up if the man is talking to me inpatient. NO ONE WANTS INPATIENT!!!!! I have to learn how to control him. I have to take control of my illness and especially him.
I am also dealing with the lows and agitation. That is one of the harder parts then the man. I have to be around people who tell me how horrible their life is and how I could never understand what they are going through and that mine is nowhere near as bad as them. I try to never say that to anyone because I know just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there but I hate when people say it to me. I am also limited on talking about it since it makes certain people uncomfortable. There are so many things wrong with my illness and depending where I am it limits my conversations. I know it shouldn’t be that way but it is. I am so tired but I am always tired and the lows suck. I just want to be home sleeping in my bed. I will try to keep you updated with everything as much as I can. Thank you so much for your love time and patience.
I took apart a laminator today. It was jammed so badly the paper would not come out and usually these things don’t bother me but for some reason today it did, today it felt like that laminator was part of my life but it was a part that I could fix. If I took it apart the way I took apart my feelings when I put it back together all of those overwhelming problems would disappear. I unscrewed all the screws and I closed my eyes long enough to imagine the screws to my brain were free and I pulled the jammed papers that were nothing more than bad thoughts stuck between the two ends but no matter what I used or how hard I pulled it wouldn’t budge and I knew those thoughts were stuck in the same place. I used every bit of force I could but it was in such an odd position the paper still wouldn’t move and I thought about every bad thought I’d had today about myself, my life and the people around me that were jammed in all the small places and even thought they weren’t in my mins right then they were sitting there waiting for the right moment to set free. I worked on this laminator for an hour and no one bothered or stopped me from it I was just so focused on fixing it and being able to say that I fixed what was broken and I could accomplish this here I could anywhere.
I suffered defeat though no matter what I did I just couldn’t make it work. I felt like a failure I’m sitting here unable to fix this object that is sitting in front of me, it only requires a few nuts and bolts, so I definitely can’t fix me. I am way more complicated then a few nuts and bolts. How am I going to get myself out of this rut and will I ever be able to? Why am I here I’m taking my meds so what’s changed? I put it back together knowing it will never be the same again, but neither will my feelings nothing fit back the way it came out and I’m just stuck.