I love this picture mostly because it is genuine and it is the only genuine smile I ever had in years. This picture coincidentally happened in 2015 when everything in my life went to shit. (see previous posts) This was right after the overdose before my baptism, exorcism and medical induced manic, schizophrenic, paranoid episodes. This was before I hit a new level of rock bottom. I was happy right there. I thought I was making everything better but rock bottom came after. 
Tag: semicolon project
Photo Day 13 Windows that opened my soul
There are plenty of pictures I can find that I took of windows with beautiful views, but personally this one is my favorite. This is the building where I hosted my first ever event and this is also the first time I really talked about my illness and my struggles. It is very easy to discuss my problems on social media because I am hiding behind a screen, but to standup and say it out loud is a completely different experience. I thought I was open about my illness until I started telling people my story, my addiction issues, hospitalizations they were in shock. This advocating I swore I was doing and spreading my story and information didn’t happen. When I was finished I had people come up to me crying asking me what they could do to help and they didn’t know it was that bad. I hid behind a screen because I thought at onetime sharing information via mental health websites was enough but it wasn’t. I told part of my story and I made a difference. So now I have a blog and social media pages dedicated to my struggles to help get the word spread with everyone. Hopefully a book will come soon with all of it…..(we are hoping anyway.)
AFSP OUT OF THE DARKNESS WALK 11/4/18 (kind of a long post but great pictures and videos attached)
This year makes 3 years I’ve participated in the walk. This one meant more.
For one year:
I was sober.
I stopped drinking soft drinks
I stopped self medicating
I found a healthier outlet for my problems
I wasn’t suicidal
I learned how not to be selfish
I learned how much I hurt the people around me when I was self medicating.
Wayne doesn’t have to worry about me being at home by myself.
Wayne doesn’t have to worry about that phone call.
I finally let go and let God.
I learned how to love myself. 🖤
I learned I am worth it.
I’m trying to be the mother my daughter needs me to be.
Cami wants to be with me.
She doesn’t worry as much
I let go of toxic people.
I learned boundaries.
I’m amazed by the support that has always been around me and I hope to help them the way they helped me.
I had an event to raise awareness of suicide.
I raised $667 😮😃
I started a blog bipolaroutcasts.com (self promo)
I have a fairly large Instagram following.
People know what’s caused so much pain in my heart and I’m finally open about the struggle I’ve dealt with the last 5 years.
I’m becoming the advocate for mental health and suicide I wanted to be.
My voice will be heard and we will make a change to the way the world sees us.
🖤Forever a fighter🖤
They give us beads for different meanings and when they told us to hold up our green beads for people who struggle you can hear me crying because I’ve fought so fucking hard to make it here and survived times when I probably should’ve died. The horrible things I did when I was high, manic or in a depression so deep I didn’t know if I wanted a way out that wasn’t death. I was so angry and hated watching people function without worried about triggers, mood swings, psychosis or how much you learn to hate yourself because you feel like you did something horrible to have this. It took 5 years for me to see the other side and that my life wouldn’t always be grayscale. It’s been a long year but I made it. 
Photo day 1- Getting up close and personal
This is my new favorite picture from the walk. (It may show up a few more times) my green sticky note is for my personal struggle. This is tattooed on the back of my neck and still stands true. I will fight for my life everyday until it’s my time. My daughters sticky note is right above it and it means so much that she cares so deeply about this. Out of all the up close pictures this one is unique and full of sentimental value.
Out Of The Darkness Walk AFSP ATLANTA 2018 see link below
Here is the link some of you asked for to donate to my walk! It is on Sunday in Atlanta Georgia!! It is for a good cause!
https://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/1591896
Weekly Update 6
- Diet is still no existent/anxiety makes sure I feel sick ALL THE TIME lately and no I am not pregnant.
- Still no soft drinks. My husband tempted me yesterday when he got a Vanilla Coke. I kept asking him if I could smell it and he wouldn’t let me.
- I didn’t know my husband was unaware about the whole snorting situation I used to struggle with but he knows now. That was a bit of an awkward situation.
- Lately anything I drink that isn’t water I can taste salt in…. Is that weird?
- I’ve thought about making this blog private and the information just for subscribers but I don’t feel like I am at a place with the subscribers that I could successfully complete this.
- IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE FOLLOWING:
- THERE IS A REASON THAT NAMES ARE NOT MENTIONED IN MY BLOG. I WOULD NEVER WANT SOMEONE TO PUT INFORMATION LIKE THAT ABOUT ME OUT THERE WITHOUT MY CONSENT.
- STOP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO DID THE HORRIBLE AWFUL THING. FIRST, IT IS SICK THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GET MORE DETAILS. IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHO IT IS BUT NO YOU DON’T KNOW HIM. NO ONE I KNOW ACTUALLY KNOWS WHO IT IS BESIDES MY HUSBAND. NOT EVEN ANY ACQUAINTANCES OR PEOPLE FROM THE PLACE I GO. PLEASE STOP THROWING NAMES OUT THERE AND DAMAGING PEOPLES LIVES. YOU ARE A SICK FUCK FOR DOING IT ANYWAY
- I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOME (MOST) OF MY BLOG POSTS WITH YOU WHEN I SEE YOU. I WROTE IT DOWN AND GOT IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM. IT IS AWKWARD FOR ME AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU REFERENCE 5 DIFFERENT BLOGS BUT CAN’T TELL ME THE TITLE OR WHAT THE REST OF IT IS ABOUT. I CAN’T READ YOUR MIND!!!!!! MY BOOK YES I WILL TALK ABOUT IT OTHER THINGS MEH DEPENDS ON WHAT IT IS.
- MY WALK IS ON SUNDAY!!!! I am so excited to go to the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk again this year. This is my third year and I can’t wait!!! It is such a humbling and breathtaking scene. It is such a great cause and one I feel very deeply about.
- I tagged all the mental health categories I could think of and will tag them again about the walk.
- I get paid tomorrow and I have no plans on ruining my daughters life if it doesn’t go in as scheduled.
- Dreams still suck ass. I have descriptions of the dreams I am dealing with that I will post about later. It is weird, scary and just keeping me from sleep.
- I am trying to make it over that 40 hump for subscribers I also seem to get right there and then something happens. I am thankful for every one of you who do subscribe and keep up with me. I read many of your blogs but forget to hit that like button so you know I was there.
- I have to finish strong with the blog challenge. I am a little behind right now.
- My posts are consistent right now because of lack of sleep the detailed good writing I can accomplish isn’t working because I am so tired.
- You can catch me on Instagram because they don’t require as much detail and depth as my blog posts do.
- See you next week!!! Enjoy the last of the blog challenge and postings coming on my days off!!!
Mental Health on the Mighty-“I’m suicidal. And no, it’s not what you think.” Article and link to article below.
To Whom It May Concern:
I’m suicidal. And no, it’s not what you think. I am safe. I am not harming myself. I do not have a plan, and I do not plan on doing anything. But I’m suicidal. And I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t.
People think of things like suicide in such black or white terms. But much like everything else we are so quick to place into categories, being suicidal falls into a gray area for me. Sometimes, I wonder if it does for anybody else. See I can be in a really great mood, right? I could be having the best day of my life. Still, suicidal thoughts will linger. I don’t have to be in a bad mood to be suicidal. I will still have those thoughts if I’m surrounded by the people I love, or if I’m doing something I’m passionate about.
I wake up most mornings thinking I’d be better off dead. But I’m quickly distracted by my husband and son, who are sound asleep next to me. I still feel it, but I try not to give power to it. Throughout the day I am faced with challenges that directly affect my subconscious. Either the suicidal thoughts get louder, or they remain just a feeling.
I should explain better; sometimes being suicidal is different than suicidal thoughts. It’s an actual feeling. The feeling that you have an itch you can’t scratch, that a dark cloud is shrouding you. It’s anxiety and depression, it’s mixed state. You’re drowning, there’s no air, and coming down from that feeling takes so long you think it’s impossible. You have blinders on and you don’t know what’s going to happen next. You just have to push through. And while this feeling is happening, you go through your day, as normal as you can, without feeding the feeling.
Some days are harder than others, and today happens to be one of those days. I know I’m not feeling good, and I’ve taken that into account. But I woke up thinking my family is better off without me. Then I started thinking about finances and my heart sunk a little more. I started thinking about my parents and my depression got worse. And I started thinking about everything my husband does so I can test a career in writing, and God, he can do better than me. It’s not fair to him. If I can’t impress the people surrounding me now, can I face how my son will inevitably feel about me? And I just start crying, because it’s all too much, and I’m just a joke. I feel like I’m drowning, over and over and over again. It would be so much easier to end things, and my family could finally get away from how terrible I am.
🖤Day 11 🖤 Proudest moment
There are a lot of these though I think that everyone should list the things they are proud of especially if they are going on spiral it helps to not you aren’t a complete fuck up.
1.) Hands down my daughter. She is my proudest moment having her was the best day of my life and I don’t know if I would still be here without her.
2.) My book- It’s been a 6 year process and we are finally getting somewhere with it and it may get published soon
3.) Sobriety- It is an easier thought then action. In NA/AA they tell you your first step is to admit you have a problem and that is supposed to be the hardest but it is the second and third step is the worst. I’ve making my way through slowly. I’m so proud of myself for making this decision.
4.) Surviving- Suicide survival in itself is a gift and a burden. Our gift is still being here but it’s a burden still being here. It is so confusing and heartbreaking. The best thing I could ever do is survive.
5.) This blog- I’ve said for years I was going to do this but I never figured people would actually read anything I had to say but this is taking off.
🖤Day 9 🖤 Walking canvas (tattoos and piercings)
I will start with piercings because they aren’t as interesting. I had a tow hitch (belly button ring) I had it pierced 3 different times. My favorite was a piercing and tattoo place in the mall who only charged me $10. It got infected (surprised) and then the other 2 were at legit places but they pierced it too deep. (I have scars) I determined after that the chubby me shouldn’t have her belly button pierced. I’ve had my ears pierced many times but I forget to put earrings in and the holes closed.
Now the good stuff my tattoos. I was scared for the longest time until 2015 during my manic I decided to get a tattoo. Once you get one tattoo you have to get more right?
This is actually my first and second tattoo. My breathe tattoo was actually my first. I got it on my 31st Birthday. Of course breathe is for my anxiety, my semi colon for suicide, my infinity symbol and cross with Ruth 1:16 for my renewal and love of my faith. I love the fact that is my handwriting.
The second is the suicide awareness ribbon with my anchor. This was after a suicide attempt.
The most popular via Instagram reviews. The original version I found wasn’t this cool, but I have an amazing tattoo artist that made it beautiful. This is the man. If you’ve read any of my other post you know about the man. He wanted to detail the spine to show more vulnerability in the woman who is a slave to the man who controls her life.
I think neck tattoos are awesome and I also wear my hair up all the time so you can see it. This is in support to every fucked up thing that happened to me. I am a fighter and will continue fight until it wins one way or another. This was around the time I opened up about the terrible awful horrible thing that happened to me. This again is my handwriting. My cross on the T and my ; as the i is again my survival from this fucking disease
Music is my refuge which I know is the case for many people. I can play almost any instrument, make mash ups, my music list has an amazing range but I can’t sing. I wish I could sing but the sound of me screeching isn’t attractive. My mental health abilities did not bless me with the ability to sing. Hallelujah is my favorite song. I have saved between YouTube, Musi, Spotify I have so many different versions saved. This is the song I listen to when I start to spiral out of control. This tattoo is a just a base to the final half sleeve tattoo I want is finished.
My bipolar disorder. This is Sasha (check a new post for Sasha.) When I went in I asked for the mask that is black and white with a happy/sad painted across it. He said he wanted to try something different I said okay and this is what he came up with and I love it. It was an impulsive decisions which ironically fits the tattoo. This is a more modern version of that work. I wear this with great pride.
This honestly was just to be a dick. It is a stereotypical tattoo for mental health in my opinion but the size and placement was just to prove a point. I don’t regret it while it isn’t my favorite tattoo.
My artwork is just starting and I can’t wait to express my life across my arms. It shows the fight I am trying to win.
🖤
AFSP- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention- Out of the Darkness walk
This year is my 3rd year doing the AFSP walk. I work around as a survivor but I see all of these people with pins, shirts, balloons in remembrance of someone who died by suicide as early as a month before the walk. You wonder what you did differently why did you survive it, medically I should’ve died on several different occasions but I am still here fighting. I’ve walked up to random people and just hugged them, because I feel their pain. I walk every year as a proof that dammit I did it. I make promises to people that I will be able to walk and leave my mark on this world somehow even if it is just talking to you guys. You can go to AFSP website sign up for a walk in your area or volunteer our voices will make the biggest differences.
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 