Tag: suicide

My struggle with caffeine

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I know in other posts I’ve talked about it briefly but I have bipolar 1 which means I am more prone to manic episodes/behavior so that means caffeine or any uppers are not my friend….. but I LOVE IT!!! People used to warn me that my heart would explode, it is killing my liver and kidneys….. you know the spill. Regardless of myths and popular beliefs you can actually drink 4 20 ounce Redbulls and your heart won’t explode. I did it for weeks and months at a time. I lived off of it which caused mood swings. I would go all day off of nothing but Redbull. There is something about the way it sounds when you cracked it open and the way it smelled. (I want one now) The more I drank the less I would sleep which caused hypomanic and manic phases. I lived off of caffeine for months at a time. For someone like me I walk a tightrope between chaos and brilliance. Feeding my caffeine habit is almost as bad as Xanax. Self medicating with caffeine is a dangerous game.

Take your pills and close your legs. My book is in progress

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My book: It is my wonderful escape from reality. It is a 6 year project that I am hoping to finish by next year. I know I gave you a brief view of the beginning but I wanted to tell you a little more about the main character. She is a different version of me. I can solve most of my problems through her.

Lauren, is in her late 20’s, she has big blue eyes, but not just blue they are cornflower on the outer rims and as you look closer you can see it fade it into an aquamarine and at is center is and starburst of greenish blue, they are soft and welcoming she is wide eyed with charcoal eyelashes that are long and naturally curled, her hair a deep auburn with strains of brown in between, her face heart shaped, but even through her beautiful features you could see the troubles of her life across her face. The creases in her forehead, the crow’s feet burrowing around her eyes. It seems as if the lines showed her battles of her life. Her olive skin flows beautifully with her hour glass figure…but the most amazing thing about her is her smile perhaps ‘smile’ isn’t the word for it — her pouty lips revealed a small overbite of teeth, the wrinkles and creases in her face almost disappearing as it widens. Her smile was that determination and fight in her to overcome her obstacles it was the hope she clung to when everything fell apart.

Her best friend who plays a large role

Natalie, is in her late 20’s, she has long straight jet black hair, her olive skin highlights are beautiful brown eyes. They are mocha around the ages and fade into a beautiful caramel in the center. She has long beautiful thick lashes her face is oval shaped and she is tiny and petite. The hardships of her life don’t show as much as Lauren. She spends all of her time worried about Lauren. She helps her fight the battle that hopefully she will someday win.

Here is an excerpt from the beginning:

My eyes opened, closed, opened again; the words echoed in my mind, the tattered remnants of dream flitting about my thoughts, searching for something to cling to, some corner of my heart to dig its tendrils into. I stretched, my arms and legs moving in opposite directions, but the now-familiar emptiness crushed any chance of a smile.

“Not today.” I shook my head, then swung my legs out from under the blankets. I sat there a moment, hunched over, not looking up, gathering my strength. “It’s just another Monday. I can do this.” Extending my arm, I picked up my phone from the nightstand. “Fuck. It’s only 6:00 am.”

My frustration escaped through my nose in a sigh.

“I might as well get up, not like I was going back to sleep anyway,” I muttered, planting my feet on the ground, scrolling through my phone, and turning on some music. I hit shuffle and threw it back down on the bed, heading to the bathroom.. Just as I stepped in the shower, “On Bended Knee” came on my playlist in the other room.

Goddamn it.

As the first few drops of water hit my skin, accompanied by those well-worn notes, I drifted back to Jordan: our five-month torrid love affair, the end of my sobriety, my still broken heart. I tried to fight the tears as the second verse began.

He sang this song to me with a dozen Gerber daisies and promised he would never do it again, and I believed him. Then I caught him and his ex-together. It all came back so easily, clear as if it had happened yesterday. The warm droplets formed steam as I stood there without moving, all the memories flooding my head. My skin burned from the mellow droplets morphing into sharp blades, piercing my heart. All at once, the pain became unbearably real and I quickly turned the shower off.

I stepped out, grabbing my robe and turning to face the mirror. “Lauren, you can do this. It hurts like hell right now, but you can do this.” My will held for several seconds, but the memories proved to be too much, and I crumbled, digging behind a drawer in the bathroom and dispensing a small baggy of pills.

I pulled out three into my hand, “just to calm my nerves” I told myself, tossing them in my mouth. The bitter taste coated my tongue as I swallowed, making me shake my head and run it between my lips.

I wrapped my hair in a towel, composed myself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and headed to the kitchen. Flicking the lights on, I shuffled my feet toward the fridge, sticking my tongue out at the cups and plates left piled in the sink.

Nat must have had a good time last night. Then I let myself smile. Good for her.

I reached for the refrigerator door and pause for a moment when I saw the NA schedule posted. Natalie had circled the next meeting, where I was supposed to get my one year chip. Shame flushed my cheeks and made me look away from the calendar.

It would break her heart if she knew I had started using again.

My mind turned away from that shame, turning it into anger. It’s not as bad as last time, and it’s no one’s fucking business. I can take care of myself. I snatched a RedBull out of the refrigerator door and situated myself on the uncomfortable wooden chair at our dining room table; as I brought the can to my lips, I heard a door open from down the hall, then watched as a  tall, naked, athletic man came strolling in the kitchen. He leaned down and began rummaging through the refrigerator.

How many pills did I take? 

“Excuse me.” I took another sip, trying to hide my grin. “Who are you? Why are you in my kitchen, and where are your clothes?”

“Umm…I….” He stuttered, trying his best to cover himself while holding on to the two waters in his hands, moving them one after the other, searching for the position that would keep all of his unmentionables hidden.

He didn’t find it.

Shaking my head, I decided to dig in a little further. “Do you know how to talk?”

He managed to meet my eyes, though I could see the red blush in his cheeks. “I’m Benjamin, but my friends call me Ben. I’m here…visiting…Natalie.”

“I thought as much.” Another sip, and I raised my eyebrows. “Do you often visit people naked?”

“No…”

A sleepy voice came around the corner. “Did you find…” Natalie followed after her words, her eyes widening; an oversized Nirvana t-shirt covered her petite frame. Her long black hair draped down her back, the part around her face forming a sleep-halo.

“Morning, Nat.” I began to laugh as I took the last sip to finish off my RedBull.

“Morning. Lauren, have you met…” She paused for a minute, her eyes wide, dancing between me and her lover.

I decided to have mercy.

“Yes, I met Ben. Not bad, Nat; I’d give him…” My gaze moved to the still-naked man frozen in our kitchen. “A seven-and-a-half, maybe an eight if I’m feeling generous.” My smile dropped away as I leaned forward. “I hope you’re good enough for her, Ben. I have high…” And I glanced at Natalie again. “…some might say unrealistic, expectations for the men that she dates. Don’t disappoint me.”

Ben’s mouth did an impressive imitation of a goldfish, as he fumbled for something to say. Natalie, however, rolled her eyes and put a hand on her hip.

“Okay, badass. Stop harassing him.” She strode over to Ben, draping herself over him and planting a soft kiss on his lips. “She’s just kidding. Probably.” Throwing a glance over her shoulder at me and grinning, she continued. “Lauren just tends to be a tad over-protective.”

“It’s a mutual feeling between us, I think.” I returned her grin. “All right, you two. I’m going to get ready for work. It was nice to meet you.” I nodded my head before slowly making my way out. As I crossed the doorway, I turned again and saw them in the midst of a passionate kiss, and a twinge of agony overtook me.

I missed it.

I missed the way Jordan held me, the way he said my name, the way he kissed me. The loneliness came crushing in again, pressing down so hard I could barely breathe Turning back around, I headed to my bedroom, my heart shattering a little with each step. I laid on my bed, unable to catch my breath, a stabbing sensation surging through my chest as the rest of my body started to shake uncontrollably.

I forced my eyes close when I heard, “Shit, Lauren are you okay?”

It was Natalie. I couldn’t answer her; it felt as if my tongue had been ripped out.

“Shh…just breathe, slow deep breaths…” She laid my head in her lap, stroking my forehead.

“Is she okay? Do I need to call someone?” Ben asked in the doorway.

“No, she’ll be fine. Just hand me that bag on the nightstand and head back to my room. I’ll be there in a few.” Ben tossed the bag to Natalie, who dispensed two small blue pills and placed them in my mouth. The taste made me gag, and I tried to spit them out, but she shoved her hand over my lips to keep them in. “We aren’t doing this, Lauren. You need to take your medicine, so don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

I moved my tongue quickly against her hand, but other than making her crack a smile, it had no effect. “Lick my hand all you want, I’m not moving it until you swallow your pills.” My jaw began to ache and my tongue tire, so I finally gave in. The pills felt like daggers scraping down my throat…but that faded quickly as a sudden jolt of euphoria washed over me.

“My other pills are kicking in,” I mumbled.

I heard a sharp hiss of breath. “Other pills…What pills…What did you take?” Natalie moved her face closer to mine.

“I meant these pills; these pills will kick in soon.” I lied, but I could tell she wasn’t falling for it. Shame filled my face, and I couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes. “Fine. I took extra anxiety pills this morning. I woke up in a panic, and…”

I glanced up at her; she still wasn’t buying it, but she gave me a smile. “That’s all you took, you promise?”

“I promise.” The lie sat heavy in my heart. “That’s all.” I tried to sit up, but dizziness flooded my brain.

Natalie put a hand on my knee, turning her head at an angle to me. “I saw the look in your eye after Ben kissed me. I know things have been rough since Bryan.”

“Bryan?” I’ve been so wrapped up in Jordan I didn’t even think about Bryan. “That asshole ran out on me…what?  Two years ago? Why would I think of him?”

I massaged my temples trying to stave off the imminent headache.

Natalie clicked her tongue. “What are you thinking? Your meeting is on Wednesday, you get your one-year chip. You’re winning, Lauren. Please don’t ruin it for yourself.” She took a deep breath, then turned her eyes back to me, trying on a smile. “Just…just talk to me, okay? Whatever is going on, we can fix it. Just don’t shut down on me.” Reaching out, Nat took hold of both my hands; I had to resist the urge to pull my fingers away from hers. “You’ve come too far to give up now. I’m proud of you, Lauren, because you’ve fought your way out of everything that’s happened.” Then she pulled me in, embracing me fully. “I know it’s been tough, but that last visit to rehab and taking your meds has made a difference.”

As she wrapped her arms around me, a cloud of guilt and shame floated around me. If only she knew the truth. “Thanks, Nat. Really. You need to go so I can get ready for work.” She looked genuinely hurt, but got up off the bed and took a step toward the door. Almost despite myself, I whispered, “Remember I love you, okay?”

She jerked back quickly. “Alright, now I’m not leaving.” She came back over and sat down again, her eyes wide with concern, her voice uncertain. “You need to tell me what is going on with you. You were extremely happy for a while, and I know you met someone. Even though you denied it, I could tell…and I’m assuming by this recent decline that it didn’t end well.” Nat’s fingers came up and brushed my cheek. “Is that right?”

“Just a nobody. It was stupid. Doesn’t matter now.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “So, Ben…” I ask trying to change the subject.

“Oh, no. Ben.” Natalie exhaled through her nose, glancing back toward the door. “I told him I would be right back.” Her eyes danced back and forth, assessing, considering. “Just lie down; you need to rest.” Her face firmed as she seemed to decide something. “I’ll call Gail and tell her that you will be coming in a little later. We can ride together, okay? And finish this conversation,” she added, scurrying out of the room.

“Do I have a choice?”

🖤Day 5🖤 Mental Health Week- Bipolar Disorder

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Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.

Bipolar Disorder Overview

Bipolar disorder, with its extreme mood swings from depression to mania, used to be called manic depressive disorder. Bipolar disorder is very serious and can cause risky behavior, even suicidal tendencies, and can be treated with therapy and medication.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.

People who have bipolar disorder can have periods in which they feel overly happy and energized and other periods of feeling very sad, hopeless, and sluggish. In between those periods, they usually feel normal. You can think of the highs and the lows as two “poles” of mood, which is why it’s called “bipolar” disorder.

What Causes Bipolar Disorder?

There is no single cause. Genes, brain changes, and stress can all play a role.

Researchers are studying how these factors may contribute to the development of bipolar disorder.

How Is Bipolar Disorder Diagnosed?

If you or someone you know has symptoms of bipolar disorder, talk to your family doctor or a psychiatrist. They will ask questions about mental illnesses that you, or the person you’re concerned about, have had, and any mental illnesses that run in the family. The person will also get a complete psychiatric evaluation to tell if they have likely bipolar disorder or another mental health condition.”

Diagnosing bipolar disorder is all about the person’s symptoms and determining whether they may be the result of another cause (such as low thyroid, or mood symptoms caused by drug or alcohol abuse). How severe are they? How long have they lasted? How often do they happen?

The most telling symptoms are those that involve highs or lows in mood, along with changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.

Talking to close friends and family of the person can often help the doctor distinguish bipolar disorder from major depressive (unipolar) disorder or other psychiatric disorders that can involve changes in mood, thinking, and behavior.

Bipolar Disorder and Suicide

Some people who have bipolar disorder may become suicidal.

Learn the warning signs and seek immediate medical help for them:

• Depression (changes in eating, sleeping, activities)

• Isolating yourself

• Talking about suicide, hopelessness, or helplessness

• Acting recklessly

• Taking more risks

• Having more accidents

• Abusing alcohol or other drugs

• Focusing on morbid and negative themes

• Talking about death and dying

• Crying more, or becoming less emotionally expressive

• Giving away possessions

🖤Day 11 🖤 Proudest moment

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There are a lot of these though I think that everyone should list the things they are proud of especially if they are going on spiral it helps to not you aren’t a complete fuck up.

1.) Hands down my daughter. She is my proudest moment having her was the best day of my life and I don’t know if I would still be here without her.

2.) My book- It’s been a 6 year process and we are finally getting somewhere with it and it may get published soon

3.) Sobriety- It is an easier thought then action. In NA/AA they tell you your first step is to admit you have a problem and that is supposed to be the hardest but it is the second and third step is the worst. I’ve making my way through slowly. I’m so proud of myself for making this decision.

4.) Surviving- Suicide survival in itself is a gift and a burden. Our gift is still being here but it’s a burden still being here. It is so confusing and heartbreaking. The best thing I could ever do is survive.

5.) This blog- I’ve said for years I was going to do this but I never figured people would actually read anything I had to say but this is taking off.

🖤Day 9 🖤 Walking canvas (tattoos and piercings)

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I will start with piercings because they aren’t as interesting. I had a tow hitch (belly button ring) I had it pierced 3 different times. My favorite was a piercing and tattoo place in the mall who only charged me $10. It got infected (surprised) and then the other 2 were at legit places but they pierced it too deep. (I have scars) I determined after that the chubby me shouldn’t have her belly button pierced. I’ve had my ears pierced many times but I forget to put earrings in and the holes closed.

Now the good stuff my tattoos. I was scared for the longest time until 2015 during my manic I decided to get a tattoo. Once you get one tattoo you have to get more right?

This is actually my first and second tattoo. My breathe tattoo was actually my first. I got it on my 31st Birthday. Of course breathe is for my anxiety, my semi colon for suicide, my infinity symbol and cross with Ruth 1:16 for my renewal and love of my faith. I love the fact that is my handwriting.

The second is the suicide awareness ribbon with my anchor. This was after a suicide attempt.

The most popular via Instagram reviews. The original version I found wasn’t this cool, but I have an amazing tattoo artist that made it beautiful. This is the man. If you’ve read any of my other post you know about the man. He wanted to detail the spine to show more vulnerability in the woman who is a slave to the man who controls her life.

I think neck tattoos are awesome and I also wear my hair up all the time so you can see it. This is in support to every fucked up thing that happened to me. I am a fighter and will continue fight until it wins one way or another. This was around the time I opened up about the terrible awful horrible thing that happened to me. This again is my handwriting. My cross on the T and my ; as the i is again my survival from this fucking disease

Music is my refuge which I know is the case for many people. I can play almost any instrument, make mash ups, my music list has an amazing range but I can’t sing. I wish I could sing but the sound of me screeching isn’t attractive. My mental health abilities did not bless me with the ability to sing. Hallelujah is my favorite song. I have saved between YouTube, Musi, Spotify I have so many different versions saved. This is the song I listen to when I start to spiral out of control. This tattoo is a just a base to the final half sleeve tattoo I want is finished.

My bipolar disorder. This is Sasha (check a new post for Sasha.) When I went in I asked for the mask that is black and white with a happy/sad painted across it. He said he wanted to try something different I said okay and this is what he came up with and I love it. It was an impulsive decisions which ironically fits the tattoo. This is a more modern version of that work. I wear this with great pride.

This honestly was just to be a dick. It is a stereotypical tattoo for mental health in my opinion but the size and placement was just to prove a point. I don’t regret it while it isn’t my favorite tattoo.

My artwork is just starting and I can’t wait to express my life across my arms. It shows the fight I am trying to win.

🖤

🖤DAY 3🖤 MENTAL HEALTH WEEK- OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD)

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Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.

OCD is a neurologically based disorder characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions) that the child realizes are senseless. OCD may start at age five or six, sometimes even earlier. OCD results from a deficiency of a neurotransmitter, serotonin, in specific areas of the brain. (New research suggests that the more severe forms of the condition, in which obsessive thoughts “lock” and cannot be relieved, involve more than a neurotransmitter shortfall.) OCD is treated with an SSRI, which increases serotonin levels in the brain.

Obsessions can take many forms: repetitive words, thoughts, fears, memories, pictures. Compulsive behaviors, such as hand-washing, counting, checking, or cleaning, are performed in hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Obsessions and compulsions are often viewed as being unnecessary, but they can’t be stopped. Although doing these “rituals” provides only temporary relief, not doing them dramatically increases anxiety.

Counting or repeating: the need to touch something a certain number of times; the need to repeat a specific behavior or pattern of behaviors

Checking or questioning: the need to check and recheck something (e.g., whether the stove is off, the car keys are on the key rack, the closet light is off)

Arranging and organizing: the need to tie shoes or to dress or undress in a certain sequence; the need to organize toys, dolls, or other items in a certain way; becoming upset if anything is changed

Collecting or hoarding: saving books, magazines, ticket stubs, birthday cards, or other items in the belief that they are important and cannot be thrown away

Cleaning and/or washing: the need to lather and rinse an exact number of times in the shower or to brush one’s hair a certain number of times in a pattern

“Preening”: behaviors that “must be done,” even if the result is discomfort or pain. Examples are nail or cuticle biting, picking at sores or scabs, twirling or pulling hair, eye-brows, or eyelashes, “cleaning off” dry skin.

The most frequent worries in children and adolescents are about picking up germs and becoming sick or dying, or about getting sick and throwing up. Other fears include: If I don’t act/do a specific behavior: I will lose someone’s love; I will fail a test; God may punish me; a natural disaster will occur.

When most of us think of OCD, we think of that super neat freak in our lives, or the germaphobe who uses tons of hand sanitizer. But rarely do we think of someone who stands in their living room flipping a light switch on and off precisely 21 times. That last example is getting closer to some of the lesser-known symptoms of OCD.

More common forms of OCD include checking, hand washing, craving symmetry, and fearing contamination. And of course these are distressing and time-consuming aspects of the disorder. But they aren’t the whole picture. Here are a few lesser known symptoms of OCD that you may not have considered, whether you suffer with the disorder or not.

1. You’re Convinced You’ll Go Snap At Any Moment

Some OCD sufferers have a problem with impulse control, or at least they think they do. This means they live with a fear that they’ll do something unforgivable at any moment, even though they probably won’t. As Allen H. Weg said in Psychology Today, “This involves the obsession that one will act out in some way, temporarily ‘go insane’ and then just as quickly ‘snap out of it’ and then be stuck with the consequences of their actions.” People may fear they’ll steal from a store, blurt out something rude in public, or even hurt their family. In an effort to prevent anything bad from happening, sufferers will often take great pains to prevent catastrophe by staying home, or by hiding sharp objects from themselves, according to Weg.

2. You’re Sure You’ll Hit Someone With Your Car

Many OCD sufferers check things — they’ll check a dozen times that they locked a door, turned off the stove, or blew out a candle. But some sufferers have what’s known as Hit And Run OCD, or MVA (Motor Vehicle Accident) OCD. According to Weg, “Drivers obsess that maybe they hit someone without realizing it when driving, and then drive back repeatedly to check the area for bodies and/or police or ambulance activity. They will then go home and check the papers and local TV reports for stories about hit-and-run accidents.” Very distressing indeed.

3. You Have A Magical Way Of Thinking, And Rituals To Go Along With It

Most OCD symptoms involve some sort of magical thinking, but this is especially true when it comes to performing rituals. For example, you may get a certain number stuck in your head and have to do things that many times. It can be especially maddening because your ritual must be performed perfectly, or else it “won’t work.” As noted by Fred Penzel, Ph.D., on BeyondOCD.com, “… The steps of the compulsive ritual must be kept rigidly ‘pure’ and perfect, and cannot vary … Additionally, rituals must be performed while in the correct state of mind, with no interfering ‘bad’ or wayward thoughts. Because anxiety typically hampers the performance of almost anything, sufferers generally find it very difficult to get their rituals to be perfect.” Basically, if the steps are done in the wrong order, if something is forgotten, or if the person thinks of an unpleasant image during the ritual, then the magic is destroyed and the ritual must start over.

4. You Get Violent Thoughts Stuck In Your Head, Even Though They Scare You

The very nature of being obsessive is that you can’t get certain thoughts out of your head. But sometimes a different type of thought invades your mind, and it may be of a disturbing nature. These thoughts are particularly violent and gory, and even though they are distressing, the sufferer can’t get them out of their mind. According to a website dedicated to the disorder called OCDUK.org, “Because the intrusive thoughts are repetitive and not voluntarily produced, they cause the sufferer extreme distress — the very idea that they are capable of having such thoughts in the first place can be horrifying. However … people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are the least likely people to actually act on the thoughts, partly because they find them so repugnant and go to great lengths to avoid them and prevent them happening.”

5. You Can’t Stop Thinking About Perverted Things, Even If You Want To

We all have a gross thought or a sexy daydream from time to time, but rarely are they unwanted. Some OCD sufferers on the other hand, have these thoughts, but they can often get out of hand. According to Monica T. Williams in Psychology Today, “Unwanted sexual thoughts are common, and most people are able to dismiss an occasional bothersome thought. However, people with OCD cannot rid themselves of unwanted thoughts, and when the content is sexual in nature, the obsessions can be especially upsetting.”

6. Sometimes You Become Obsessed With The Thought Of A Catastrophic Event

Some people with OCD will be walking down the street when suddenly they’re struck with the thought of getting hit by a car. They may be perfectly safe on the sidewalk, but the idea is still there. They then spend several upsetting moments, or even the rest of the day, ruminating about irrational worst-case outcomes, according to Ron Breazeale, Ph.D., in Psychology Today. It’s like having a scary movie playing in your head, and the main character is you.

OCD shows itself in many ways, from the typical hand washing and cleaning, to the more obscure symptoms — such as magical thinking, or fearing you’ll go insane. Either way, OCD can be downright distressing. If you think you’re suffering with the disorder, talk to your doctor about what steps to take next.

Sources:

Bustle.com

🖤DAY 2🖤 MENTAL HEALTH WEEK- DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER/MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER

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Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.

Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is thought to be a complex psychological condition that is likely caused by many factors, including severe trauma during early childhood (usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, or emotional abuse).

What Is Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process which produces a lack of connection in a person’s thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Dissociative identity disorder is thought to stem from a combination of factors that may include trauma experienced by the person with the disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism — the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience that’s too violent, traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self.

Is Dissociative Identity Disorder Real?

You may wonder if dissociative identity disorder is real. After all, understanding the development of multiple personalities is difficult, even for highly trained experts. The diagnosis itself remains controversial among mental health professionals, with some experts believing that it is really an “offshoot” phenomenon of another psychiatric problem, such as borderline personality disorder, or the product of profound difficulties in coping abilities or stresses related to how people form trusting emotional relationships with others.

Other types of dissociative disorders defined in the DSM-5, the main psychiatry manual used to classify mental illnesses, include dissociative amnesia (with “dissociative fugue” now being regarded as a subtype of dissociative amnesia rather than its own diagnosis), and depersonalization/derealization disorder.

What Are the Symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person’s behavior. With dissociative identity disorder, there’s also an inability to recall key personal information that is too far-reaching to be explained as mere forgetfulness. With dissociative identity disorder, there are also highly distinct memory variations, which fluctuate with the person’s split personality.

The “alters” or different identities have their own age, sex, or race. Each has his or her own postures, gestures, and distinct way of talking. Sometimes the alters are imaginary people; sometimes they are animals. As each personality reveals itself and controls the individuals’ behavior and thoughts, it’s called “switching.” Switching can take seconds to minutes to days. When under hypnosis, the person’s different “alters” or identities may be very responsive to the therapist’s requests.

Along with the dissociation and multiple or split personalities, people with dissociative disorders may experience a number of other psychiatric problems, including symptoms:

• Depression

• Mood swings

• Suicidal tendencies

• Sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking)

• Anxiety, panic attacks, and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to stimuli or “triggers”)

• Alcohol and drug abuse

• Compulsions and rituals

• Psychotic-like symptoms (including auditory and visual hallucinations)

• Eating disorders

Other symptoms of dissociative identity disorder may include headache, amnesia, time loss, trances, and “out of body experiences.” Some people with dissociative disorders have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and even violence (both self-inflicted and outwardly directed). As an example, someone with dissociative identity disorder may find themselves doing things they wouldn’t normally do, such as speeding, reckless driving, or stealing money from their employer or friend, yet they feel they are being compelled to do it. Some describe this feeling as being a passenger in their body rather than the driver. In other words, they truly believe they have no choice.

What’s the Difference Between Dissociative Identity Disorder and Schizophrenia?

Schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder are often confused, but they are very different.

Schizophrenia is a severe mental illness involving chronic (or recurrent) psychosis, characterized mainly by hearing or seeing things that aren’t real (hallucinations) and thinking or believing things with no basis in reality (delusions). Contrary to popular misconceptions, people with schizophrenia do not have multiple personalities. Delusions are the most common psychotic symptom in schizophrenia; hallucinations, particularly hearing voices, are apparent in about half to three quarters of people with the illness.

Suicide is a risk with both schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, although patients with multiple personalities have a history of suicide attempts more often than other psychiatric patients.

How Does Dissociation Change the Way a Person Experiences Life?

There are several main ways in which the psychological processes of dissociative identity disorder change the way a person experiences living, including the following:

• Depersonalization. This is a sense of being detached from one’s body and is often referred to as an “out-of-body” experience.

• Derealization. This is the feeling that the world is not real or looking foggy or far away.

• Amnesia. This is the failure to recall significant personal information that is so extensive it cannot be blamed on ordinary forgetfulness. There can also be micro-amnesias where the discussion engaged in is not remembered, or the content of a meaningful conversation is forgotten from one second to the next.

• Identity confusion or identity alteration. Both of these involve a sense of confusion about who a person is. An example of identity confusion is when a person has trouble defining the things that interest them in life, or their political or religious or social viewpoints, or their sexual orientation, or their professional ambitions. In addition to these apparent alterations, the person may experience distortions in time, place, and situation.

It is now acknowledged that these dissociated states are not fully mature personalities, but rather they represent a disjointed sense of identity. With the amnesia typically associated with dissociative identity disorder, different identity states remember different aspects of autobiographical information. There is usually a “host” personality within the individual, who identifies with the person’s real name. Ironically, the host personality is usually unaware of the presence of other personalities.

What Roles Do the Different Personalities Play?

The distinct personalities may serve diverse roles in helping the individual cope with life’s dilemmas. For instance, there’s an average of two to four personalities present when the patient is initially diagnosed. Then there’s an average of 13 to 15 personalities that can become known over the course of treatment. While unusual, there have been instances of dissociative identity disorder with more than 100 personalities. Environmental triggers or life events cause a sudden shift from one alter or personality to another.

Who Gets Dissociative Identity Disorder?

While the causes of dissociative identity disorder are still vague, research indicates that it is likely a psychological response to interpersonal and environmental stresses, particularly during early childhood years when emotional neglect or abuse may interfere with personality development. As many as 99% of individuals who develop dissociative disorders have recognized personal histories of recurring, overpowering, and often life-threatening disturbances at a sensitive developmental stage of childhood (usually before age 9). Dissociation may also happen when there has been persistent neglect or emotional abuse, even when there has been no overt physical or sexual abuse. Findings show that in families where parents are frightening and unpredictable, the children may become dissociative.

How Is Dissociative Identity Disorder Diagnosed?

Making the diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder takes time. It’s estimated that individuals with dissociative disorders have spent seven years in the mental health system prior to accurate diagnosis. This is common, because the list of symptoms that cause a person with a dissociative disorder to seek treatment is very similar to those of many other psychiatric diagnoses. In fact, many people who have dissociative disorders also have coexisting diagnoses of borderline or other personality disorders, depression, and anxiety.

The DSM-5 provides the following criteria to diagnose dissociative identity disorder:

1 Two or more distinct identities or personality states are present, each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self.

2 Amnesia must occur, defined as gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/or traumatic events.

3 The person must be distressed by the disorder or have trouble functioning in one or more major life areas because of the disorder.

4 The disturbance is not part of normal cultural or religious practices.

5 The symptoms can not be due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (such as blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or a general medical condition (such as complex partial seizures).

Are There Famous People With Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Famous people with dissociative identity disorder include retired NFL star Herschel Walker, who says he’s struggled with dissociative identity disorder for years but has only been treated for the past eight years.

Walker recently published a book about his struggles with dissociative identity disorder, along with his suicide attempts. Walker talks about a feeling of disconnect from childhood to the professional leagues. To cope, he developed a tough personality that didn’t feel loneliness, one that was fearless and wanted to act out the anger he always suppressed. These “alters” could withstand the abuse he felt; other alters came to help him rise to national fame. Today, Walker realizes that these alternate personalities are part of dissociative identity disorder, which he was diagnosed with in adulthood.

How Common Is Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Statistics show the rate of dissociative identity disorder is .01% to 1% of the general population. Considering dissociation more broadly, more than a third of people say they feel as if they’re watching themselves in a movie at times (that is, possibly experiencing the phenomenon of dissociation), and 7% percent of the population may have some form of an undiagnosed dissociative disorder.

What’s the Recommended Treatment Plan for Dissociative Identity Disorder?

While there’s no “cure” for dissociative identity disorder, long-term treatment can be helpful, if the patient stays committed. Effective treatment includes talk therapy or psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and adjunctive therapies such as art or movement therapy. There are no established medication treatments for dissociative identity disorder, making psychologically-based approaches the mainstay of therapy. Treatment of co-occurring disorders, such as depression or substance use disorders, is fundamental to overall improvement.

Because the symptoms of dissociative disorders often occur with other disorders, such as anxiety and depression, medicines to treat those co-occurring problems, if present, are sometimes used in addition to psychotherapy.

Source:

WebMD Medical Reference Reviewed by Joseph Goldberg, MD on May 11, 2018

🖤Weekly Update 3 🖤

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I am a day behind on my weekly updates!

🖤 I have at least 4 new post coming including my mental health week post, my 31 day challenge, my current mental state and a few others.

🖤My moods are kind of jumping and this is the first time I’m really dealing with it since I stopped self medicating and it is really fucking hard to do.

🖤 I have some info on my social media accounts and some questions for people who’ve used WordPress for awhile about getting it set up properly. The current set up is messy and bothering me.

🖤 For people who’ve decided to tell me that my blog is rather depressing….suck my dick. No I don’t actually have a dick but still suck my dick. Mental health isn’t usually find with rainbows, unicorns and sunshine. It’s some hardcore shit. If you can’t handle deuces bitch.

🖤 I do have a few more light hearted post about my previous jobs. They won’t be as good as Wally World but they are still awesome.

🖤I am trying to catch up on everyone’s blogs and I’ve realized I’ve read a lot of them and forgot to hit the like button.

🖤 We are going to try and make this a great week.

🖤 If my post don’t have a copyright I got them from Google.

🖤

AFSP- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention- Out of the Darkness walk

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This year is my 3rd year doing the AFSP walk. I work around as a survivor but I see all of these people with pins, shirts, balloons in remembrance of someone who died by suicide as early as a month before the walk. You wonder what you did differently why did you survive it, medically I should’ve died on several different occasions but I am still here fighting. I’ve walked up to random people and just hugged them, because I feel their pain. I walk every year as a proof that dammit I did it. I make promises to people that I will be able to walk and leave my mark on this world somehow even if it is just talking to you guys. You can go to AFSP website sign up for a walk in your area or volunteer our voices will make the biggest differences.

Open Mic Night 2018

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This year I wanted to do something different to raise money for the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk. This year is my third year and I am so excited! I normally go on Facebook and give people long winded stories on why suicide prevention is so important and the hotline number. The plus side to all of this are the people who come up to me and feel comfortable enough to tell me their story. I want that communication with everyone, the event started out as an original content only but quickly changed to bring more people in. I tried selling tickets online (which if you do this please check the websites credibility first. You live and you learn. I managed to raise $500 in one night. $500 I had cozies (I still have some if anyone is interested) and charged $7.50 a ticket with free food. I was hoping for $200 and when we got the final total I cried. I cried for so many reasons but mostly I cried because in a little over 2 hours we educated over 50 people about suicide and mental health. If you are able to reach one person you are successful.

I got up and told my story. I don’t do well in front of people and not fond of eye contact so I stared at the mic and probably talked a little too fast but when I said “I tried to die by suicide a year ago on 9/27/18. It was like all the was sucked out of the room. I could feel the eyes staring through me and I knew this was it, the time I wanted so bad and even though I seem very comfortable discussing my illness on social media saying it out loud was a completely different story. I never told the true story on my Facebook page but when I finished and walked away from the mic still shaking I was met with hugs, I love you’s, I didn’t know how bad it was, and please call me if you ever need anything. It was more support I expected but I welcomed it all. I never thought my words could have so much power. Which is why I started this blog and these social media sites, I wanted to spread my word and make a difference. I would quote Gandhi but his views about rape make me question his morales. I have attached some pics of the open night mic cozies and my centerpieces that turned out beautiful.

🖤