I’ve had a horrible cold the last few days and it sucks. I hate being sick but I hate more when my depression turns into something that makes me physically ill which I believe is happening right now and it sucks. I came home from work and put tomato soup in a yeti cup because I am lazy and would rather drink it like that vs sipping it out of a bowl. It really helped my throat and I will say being sick is distracting me from other issues. I sound like I’ve smoked 2 packs of Marlboro Menthol’s a day my entire life. (In my brief smoking period I would only smoke menthol’s). My moods have sucked and I am trying to power through it but it is hard to do. I spend the day with my daughter and husband when I got home from work. My daughter eventually went to spend the night at my moms house so the hubby and I laid in bed eating Zaxbys and watching Better Things. (I am now obsessed with Better Things.) I love laying on Wayne there is something about my head on his chest that is so relaxing. No matter what is going on if my head is on his chest nothing else in the world matters at that moment. I am worried about so much mostly money and all of this. I don’t know what I am doing with this and what direction I want to go. I’ve fallen in love with my book again and I need to publish it but it seems so surreal actually finishing it and letting people see inside. I have a blog entry saved here that I occasionally type on when I’m in the mood but I need to focus dammit get all the pieces together and create the magic that started so long ago. I just need to get there again.
I’ve limited myself some to social media also my blog and it is so I don’t irritate everything a little more. The man is back and as I write about him in my journal I draw him as I see him. I did talk about how he looks like slenderman but he doesn’t start that way he grows and depending on how bad things are going he grows quickly and changes shapes which is what he is doing right now. I talked to Tater who thinks I am a bit manic right now, but I don’t think I am. I think the man just wants to come out and scare me. I’ve started watching him not on purpose but he manages to catch my eye and keep my attention. I realize how this sounds as I write it but I don’t know how else to explain what he is doing. I am trying really hard to get through this and I don’t know what to do anymore. Medicine doesn’t make him stop only I can make him stop I think. If I could just focus my mind maybe he will go away. It is the only thing I know. I will call my psychiatrist who will tell me to come see him and we will talk about not giving in and ways to ignore him and how medicine won’t do any good then he will bring up if the man is talking to me inpatient. NO ONE WANTS INPATIENT!!!!! I have to learn how to control him. I have to take control of my illness and especially him.
I am also dealing with the lows and agitation. That is one of the harder parts then the man. I have to be around people who tell me how horrible their life is and how I could never understand what they are going through and that mine is nowhere near as bad as them. I try to never say that to anyone because I know just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there but I hate when people say it to me. I am also limited on talking about it since it makes certain people uncomfortable. There are so many things wrong with my illness and depending where I am it limits my conversations. I know it shouldn’t be that way but it is. I am so tired but I am always tired and the lows suck. I just want to be home sleeping in my bed. I will try to keep you updated with everything as much as I can. Thank you so much for your love time and patience.