Hiding my depression is exhausting

Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case.  I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand? 

Taking off the mask of depression

 

19%

I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.

Holiday Shenanigan

‘Tis the season for Xanax, awkward conversations, unwanted family visits and all of the trigger anxiety you could possibly want. I am lucky because my family lives nearby so part of this is not necessary. I know people who have family staying at their house until the New Year and God bless them for that. I am excited I only have 2 more days to work and then I’m off for 3 days. We’ve had a lot of fun the last few weeks. We’ve decorated for Christmas, saw Enchanted lights at Rock City, went ice skating. I’ve tried not to think of all the things that give me crushing anxiety and deal with the downs I’m feeling. I wish I could feel better so my family doesn’t think I don’t want to be around them everything overwhelms me. I do like them 95% of the time like all families. If I am around people for too long it makes me exhausted. We go to my husbands grandparents house on Christmas Eve for the annual drinking and poker night which was a lot more fun when I used to drink, but now being the sober one it isn’t as entertaining because drunk people are annoying when you are sober. I take my medicine at the same time every night so I miss the most entertaining part because I pass out and fall asleep. Then there are presents. I have wrapped nothing yet and no one in my family is getting presents except for my daughter and nieces. Christmas is on a tight budget this year, but I got my daughter everything she wanted. She is an only child so she tends to get almost everything she wants. This year she wanted a guitar, red converses, camera, laptop and cell phone. It seems like a lot of money but it isn’t. The camera was $30, we are reusing an old iPhone that we have since my husband upgraded him and to make it prepaid it only cost me $30, guitar with stand and sheet music, $100, red converse $50 and the most expensive is her Google Chrome laptop at $230….holy shit I just added that up. It is A LOT more than I thought. The older they get the more they cost. This is a short list of what holiday life looks like for me right now. I’ll update you once the holidays are over.