I cleaned to avoid dealing with my problems and it worked….some

Today I decided to clean the house. I am just stressed out about so much stuff and needed a way to deal with it. So I started mopping, doing laundry, cleaned bathrooms, cleaned out my makeup, swept, cleaned the kitchen, took the trash out. It helped for a little while to focus on something else. It made me feel better at least for a little while. I went to Dollar General (the only store we have) and got more cleaning supplies and I made a friend with a Hispanic lady staring at Scrubbing Bubbles with me well I thought we were friends until she started handing out her business card. So if you read this I don’t want you to clean my house and you shouldn’t solicit people you are weak and tired down the cleaning aisle. I filled my cart with cleaning supplies (see picture below) and I had two people walk by me saying, “Oh you must be cleaning do you want to clean my house too?” I was nice the first time the last time I said, “No I am just buying them because I want people to think I clean my house but hey there is a lady down the scrubbing bubbles aisle handing out her business card you should go talk to her. The fuck people.

Wayne was impressed with all the cleaning I did and I was impressed with myself. It made me tired which was okay because it meant that I might get to sleep. I also found “The Torkelsons” on Youtube which makes me extra excited. I used to love that show especially Dorothy Jane because when she talked to the man on the moon about her hopes and dreams I would do the same. She was a hopeless romantic like me. Sometimes you have to bring in the old to make you feel better.


I need more friends to understand that I still want to be invited I’m just not going.

The Monday excitement of having the next two days off as started and 3:00 won’t get here fast enough. Someone I am close to and love is leaving and they are having a going away party for them today and I can’t bring myself to go. I know comments will be made that they are so close and she couldn’t bother to show up but fuck people. It is so hard for me to socialize sometimes especially since I have to at work. I am exhausted and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I wanted to go but I couldn’t do it I just couldn’t. I feel like my depression is getting better and if I force myself into a situation that I’m not ready for it will get bad again. I am trying to win this fight in my mind and sometimes it requires you to be a little selfish. I just want to smile again.

Staying up late


I had so much fun last night but I am exhausted. I am definitely paying for it today. I can barely keep my eyes open. I did not get much sleep last night and with no help from my old friend caffeine it looks like I won’t have much energy today. I wouldn’t change yesterday for anything but I also need to work on damn impulsive version of me. Dam you brain and your bad decisions. You knew the time change happened but you didn’t care. What am I going to do with you. Good job dumbass. I will be so happy when I am done at work and can go back home to sleep. Hopefully my body is tired and sick of my shit and says nope we are sleeping. I wonder if I listen to Samuel L. Jackson read Go the fuck to sleep it would help.

Time spent with family is worth every second.

I am still not sleeping well. My dreams are horrible and at this point I am about to give up on ever sleeping like a normal person. These dreams are starting to fuck up my head and I’m seeing shit that I shouldn’t be. I made it through work and couldn’t wait to leave so I could spend time with Wayne and our daughter. We went to Athens so Wayne could get his haircut but he couldn’t but we still went to Woks Up ate stir fry went to Guitar Center and Planet Smoothie. We finished the evening shopping at Hobby Lobby. I love Hobby Lobby they always have things on clearance. We are redecorating the house and I finally feel like redecorating. I used to love decorating but. I had a baby lost myself so I haven’t really started it again. I am excited to start again. This is our house and will always be our house. I am excited to give it some much needed improvements, but by far the greatest part of the evening is laughing and being with them. They are mood improvements. I have to be at work super early in the morning but I don’t care. I would change this for anything in the world.

Night terrors suck a fat one but I will make it through.

I wrote about this twice already but since it isn’t my daily post I will add to it. I didn’t sleep last night. I kept dreaming and every time I would wake up I went back to sleep thinking it was over but nope it kept going from where it left off. I even got up got something to drink watched something on my phone that was happy and went back to sleep and it still happened. I don’t get where these fucking nightmares are coming from and I really wish they would go the fuck away. I am so sick of having this problem and not being able to sleep. I can’t talk about it with people because the one up asshat will make it all about her again. I am also not allowed to really talk about it with certain people because it makes them uncomfortable. It is amazing to be me sometimes. I am exhausted and I’m overworking my body just to function. There is only so much my body can handle and my mind is slowly killing it.

The good thing was I left work early and went to DQ with Wayne for lunch and we sat and talked for the longest time. He always knows how to make me feel better. We talked about my dreams and how to handle it and he told me he was proud of me for not going back to old habits and talking about it but not letting it take me over. I love talking to him be makes life better. 🖤

Trying to one up someone

Today sucked. My dreams are constantly getting worse and I am so tired I want to stab someone. I wouldn’t actually stab anyone because I don’t want to go to jail but people make it really difficult not to unleash the evil that is hidden deep in my soul. I can’t with stupid people…I just can’t. Why is it that someone always tries to one up you. I can’t talk to people about my illness or lack of sleep because they are always trying to one up you. It looks like this…

Asshat: How are you?
Me: I am tired. I’ve having a hard time….”
Asshat: “Girl I know I only slept for 5 hours last night. I was tossing and turning it is so hard to get a good night sleep.”
Asshat: How hard could it be for you to sleep? You take medicine don’t you? Oh I just started taking melatonin I’m sure it is stronger than your medicine why don’t you take it.
Me: Suck my dick…… and walked away.

True story.

My moods suck and so do people. Why can’t I live in a secluded bubble in the middle of nowhere? People suck.

Weekly Update 22

  • Depression sucks
  • Mood swings suck
  • I’m over this shit now
  • I am working on my book again
  • I have two collaborations I will post about soon
  • I am trying to feel better
  • Time change is coming soon that means seasonal issues will lessen
  • I completed an entire to do list in 2 days
  • I am trying
  • It won’t win
  • Keep fighting loves
  • We will see the end to this fucking nightmare
  • I love you
  • I am proud of you

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to the life that is waiting for us- Joseph Campbell

My mood today sucks and what sucks even worse is I’ve wasted a day that I could’ve worked on my blog or my book. Today I am trying to play catch up with everything. I need to print out the next chapter to start working on. I keep looking around at this moment when I am working in the office with cold feet beating the keys of the this pretend keyboard attached to an IPad eating Cadbury mini eggs and miss it. Will I miss this simple time when my book is published and my blog has high stats everyday. I When the pressure for me to perform becomes real and my illness has to stay away so I can be productive. Will I have deadlines to meet and will I be able to keep up with everything. I am trying my best to overlook everything that is wrong with me right now my depression and think that there will be a time when I can look back on this moment I fought for and be thankful of how it turned out. I am doing this without looking to pills to solve my problems and that in itself is a victory.

March Goals

We are repeating February goals since I didn’t complete a quarter of them. Let’s try this again.


125 subscribers


800 visitors

5 Bipolar Chronicles

3 post a week

10 views a day


Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends



615 post

90+ visits per week

Blog post

Overview of February goals


125 subscribers- close 115

2000 views- 1198

1500 visitors- 824

5 Bipolar Chronicles- posted 2

3 post a week- yep

10 views a day- not consistent

200 likes- 127

Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends- nope but I was close.


750 followers- not even close 635

615 post- 593

90+ visits per week- kept it maintained

Blog post- a few of them

*pitiful sound*

We are going to reuse some of these for March since February didn’t go very well. My depression won last month but we won’t let it win this month!!!