🖤Day 9 🖤 Walking canvas (tattoos and piercings)

I will start with piercings because they aren’t as interesting. I had a tow hitch (belly button ring) I had it pierced 3 different times. My favorite was a piercing and tattoo place in the mall who only charged me $10. It got infected (surprised) and then the other 2 were at legit places but they pierced it too deep. (I have scars) I determined after that the chubby me shouldn’t have her belly button pierced. I’ve had my ears pierced many times but I forget to put earrings in and the holes closed.

Now the good stuff my tattoos. I was scared for the longest time until 2015 during my manic I decided to get a tattoo. Once you get one tattoo you have to get more right?

This is actually my first and second tattoo. My breathe tattoo was actually my first. I got it on my 31st Birthday. Of course breathe is for my anxiety, my semi colon for suicide, my infinity symbol and cross with Ruth 1:16 for my renewal and love of my faith. I love the fact that is my handwriting.

The second is the suicide awareness ribbon with my anchor. This was after a suicide attempt.

The most popular via Instagram reviews. The original version I found wasn’t this cool, but I have an amazing tattoo artist that made it beautiful. This is the man. If you’ve read any of my other post you know about the man. He wanted to detail the spine to show more vulnerability in the woman who is a slave to the man who controls her life.

I think neck tattoos are awesome and I also wear my hair up all the time so you can see it. This is in support to every fucked up thing that happened to me. I am a fighter and will continue fight until it wins one way or another. This was around the time I opened up about the terrible awful horrible thing that happened to me. This again is my handwriting. My cross on the T and my ; as the i is again my survival from this fucking disease

Music is my refuge which I know is the case for many people. I can play almost any instrument, make mash ups, my music list has an amazing range but I can’t sing. I wish I could sing but the sound of me screeching isn’t attractive. My mental health abilities did not bless me with the ability to sing. Hallelujah is my favorite song. I have saved between YouTube, Musi, Spotify I have so many different versions saved. This is the song I listen to when I start to spiral out of control. This tattoo is a just a base to the final half sleeve tattoo I want is finished.

My bipolar disorder. This is Sasha (check a new post for Sasha.) When I went in I asked for the mask that is black and white with a happy/sad painted across it. He said he wanted to try something different I said okay and this is what he came up with and I love it. It was an impulsive decisions which ironically fits the tattoo. This is a more modern version of that work. I wear this with great pride.

This honestly was just to be a dick. It is a stereotypical tattoo for mental health in my opinion but the size and placement was just to prove a point. I don’t regret it while it isn’t my favorite tattoo.

My artwork is just starting and I can’t wait to express my life across my arms. It shows the fight I am trying to win.

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🖤Perks of being Bipolar 🖤

As I am writing this I’m standing in an open field under gray skies small pellets of water coating my arms. The smell of fair food, musty cologne fill the air, country music blaring through blown out speakers; my daughter is currently 10 ft in the air being thrusted into circles on swings. I bet you are wondering what the hell being at a fair as to do with the perks of being bipolar and how am I tending to my daughter at the same time. Bipolar perks people. If you weren’t aware your mental illness comes with perks other people don’t possess. I don’t know the exact medical terms for these but you will get my point.

🖤 Hyper-focus- the ability to hyper focus when used correctly can produce amazing results. I’ve abused my hyper focus when I was manic or self destructive behavior but over the last year or so I’ve learned to make it useful. It is almost becoming a super power. Is it still destructive? Absolutely! I am trying to keep it as a positive trait though. Think of the population who spends millions of dollars on herbal remedies and over the counter medicine to try and give them the ability you naturally have. We of course take medicine to control it but how amazing for us.

🖤 Disturbed cognitive functioning- Neil Hilborn (yes I named dropped because his slam poem The Future is incredible.) he touches on this saying They keep telling me seeing things that aren’t technically there is called “disturbed cognitive functioning.” I call it “having a superpower.” Once, I pulled over on the 110 freeway and jumped out of my old Jeep because I saw it burst into flames twenty seconds before it actually burst into flames.

🖤 (Idk the technical term for this) self awareness- A perk of having issues with paranoia is you are always self aware. I can walk into a room or a crowd and in less than a minute I’ve evaluated the entire situation. I can tell you who is standing around me without even looking up. My daughter is in line for a ride and I’ve already analyzed the line she’s in determined where an issue may be; the creepy ass guy to the right of me checking out teenage girls that I keep check on. People in the CIA and FBI are trained to have this ability and we naturally have it. Does my paranoia cause me problems? Of course, but when it comes to my daughter my heightened sense of awareness and paranoia comes in handy. The lights and music everywhere can overwhelm my senses but that’s when hyper focus comes to the rescue.

🖤 Creativity- This is a given. A fucked up wiring makes us see the beauty in things that other people aren’t able to enjoy

🖤 Energy- Always a positive and a negative but mostly negatives because high energy usually leads to mania.

🖤 Strength- we majority of the time can handle our shit and it takes courage to keep going. It’s a blessing and a curse to have this gift.

🖤DAY 3🖤 MENTAL HEALTH WEEK- OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD)

Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.

OCD is a neurologically based disorder characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions) that the child realizes are senseless. OCD may start at age five or six, sometimes even earlier. OCD results from a deficiency of a neurotransmitter, serotonin, in specific areas of the brain. (New research suggests that the more severe forms of the condition, in which obsessive thoughts “lock” and cannot be relieved, involve more than a neurotransmitter shortfall.) OCD is treated with an SSRI, which increases serotonin levels in the brain.

Obsessions can take many forms: repetitive words, thoughts, fears, memories, pictures. Compulsive behaviors, such as hand-washing, counting, checking, or cleaning, are performed in hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Obsessions and compulsions are often viewed as being unnecessary, but they can’t be stopped. Although doing these “rituals” provides only temporary relief, not doing them dramatically increases anxiety.

Counting or repeating: the need to touch something a certain number of times; the need to repeat a specific behavior or pattern of behaviors

Checking or questioning: the need to check and recheck something (e.g., whether the stove is off, the car keys are on the key rack, the closet light is off)

Arranging and organizing: the need to tie shoes or to dress or undress in a certain sequence; the need to organize toys, dolls, or other items in a certain way; becoming upset if anything is changed

Collecting or hoarding: saving books, magazines, ticket stubs, birthday cards, or other items in the belief that they are important and cannot be thrown away

Cleaning and/or washing: the need to lather and rinse an exact number of times in the shower or to brush one’s hair a certain number of times in a pattern

“Preening”: behaviors that “must be done,” even if the result is discomfort or pain. Examples are nail or cuticle biting, picking at sores or scabs, twirling or pulling hair, eye-brows, or eyelashes, “cleaning off” dry skin.

The most frequent worries in children and adolescents are about picking up germs and becoming sick or dying, or about getting sick and throwing up. Other fears include: If I don’t act/do a specific behavior: I will lose someone’s love; I will fail a test; God may punish me; a natural disaster will occur.

When most of us think of OCD, we think of that super neat freak in our lives, or the germaphobe who uses tons of hand sanitizer. But rarely do we think of someone who stands in their living room flipping a light switch on and off precisely 21 times. That last example is getting closer to some of the lesser-known symptoms of OCD.

More common forms of OCD include checking, hand washing, craving symmetry, and fearing contamination. And of course these are distressing and time-consuming aspects of the disorder. But they aren’t the whole picture. Here are a few lesser known symptoms of OCD that you may not have considered, whether you suffer with the disorder or not.

1. You’re Convinced You’ll Go Snap At Any Moment

Some OCD sufferers have a problem with impulse control, or at least they think they do. This means they live with a fear that they’ll do something unforgivable at any moment, even though they probably won’t. As Allen H. Weg said in Psychology Today, “This involves the obsession that one will act out in some way, temporarily ‘go insane’ and then just as quickly ‘snap out of it’ and then be stuck with the consequences of their actions.” People may fear they’ll steal from a store, blurt out something rude in public, or even hurt their family. In an effort to prevent anything bad from happening, sufferers will often take great pains to prevent catastrophe by staying home, or by hiding sharp objects from themselves, according to Weg.

2. You’re Sure You’ll Hit Someone With Your Car

Many OCD sufferers check things — they’ll check a dozen times that they locked a door, turned off the stove, or blew out a candle. But some sufferers have what’s known as Hit And Run OCD, or MVA (Motor Vehicle Accident) OCD. According to Weg, “Drivers obsess that maybe they hit someone without realizing it when driving, and then drive back repeatedly to check the area for bodies and/or police or ambulance activity. They will then go home and check the papers and local TV reports for stories about hit-and-run accidents.” Very distressing indeed.

3. You Have A Magical Way Of Thinking, And Rituals To Go Along With It

Most OCD symptoms involve some sort of magical thinking, but this is especially true when it comes to performing rituals. For example, you may get a certain number stuck in your head and have to do things that many times. It can be especially maddening because your ritual must be performed perfectly, or else it “won’t work.” As noted by Fred Penzel, Ph.D., on BeyondOCD.com, “… The steps of the compulsive ritual must be kept rigidly ‘pure’ and perfect, and cannot vary … Additionally, rituals must be performed while in the correct state of mind, with no interfering ‘bad’ or wayward thoughts. Because anxiety typically hampers the performance of almost anything, sufferers generally find it very difficult to get their rituals to be perfect.” Basically, if the steps are done in the wrong order, if something is forgotten, or if the person thinks of an unpleasant image during the ritual, then the magic is destroyed and the ritual must start over.

4. You Get Violent Thoughts Stuck In Your Head, Even Though They Scare You

The very nature of being obsessive is that you can’t get certain thoughts out of your head. But sometimes a different type of thought invades your mind, and it may be of a disturbing nature. These thoughts are particularly violent and gory, and even though they are distressing, the sufferer can’t get them out of their mind. According to a website dedicated to the disorder called OCDUK.org, “Because the intrusive thoughts are repetitive and not voluntarily produced, they cause the sufferer extreme distress — the very idea that they are capable of having such thoughts in the first place can be horrifying. However … people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are the least likely people to actually act on the thoughts, partly because they find them so repugnant and go to great lengths to avoid them and prevent them happening.”

5. You Can’t Stop Thinking About Perverted Things, Even If You Want To

We all have a gross thought or a sexy daydream from time to time, but rarely are they unwanted. Some OCD sufferers on the other hand, have these thoughts, but they can often get out of hand. According to Monica T. Williams in Psychology Today, “Unwanted sexual thoughts are common, and most people are able to dismiss an occasional bothersome thought. However, people with OCD cannot rid themselves of unwanted thoughts, and when the content is sexual in nature, the obsessions can be especially upsetting.”

6. Sometimes You Become Obsessed With The Thought Of A Catastrophic Event

Some people with OCD will be walking down the street when suddenly they’re struck with the thought of getting hit by a car. They may be perfectly safe on the sidewalk, but the idea is still there. They then spend several upsetting moments, or even the rest of the day, ruminating about irrational worst-case outcomes, according to Ron Breazeale, Ph.D., in Psychology Today. It’s like having a scary movie playing in your head, and the main character is you.

OCD shows itself in many ways, from the typical hand washing and cleaning, to the more obscure symptoms — such as magical thinking, or fearing you’ll go insane. Either way, OCD can be downright distressing. If you think you’re suffering with the disorder, talk to your doctor about what steps to take next.

Sources:

Bustle.com

🖤Weekly Update 3 🖤

I am a day behind on my weekly updates!

🖤 I have at least 4 new post coming including my mental health week post, my 31 day challenge, my current mental state and a few others.

🖤My moods are kind of jumping and this is the first time I’m really dealing with it since I stopped self medicating and it is really fucking hard to do.

🖤 I have some info on my social media accounts and some questions for people who’ve used WordPress for awhile about getting it set up properly. The current set up is messy and bothering me.

🖤 For people who’ve decided to tell me that my blog is rather depressing….suck my dick. No I don’t actually have a dick but still suck my dick. Mental health isn’t usually find with rainbows, unicorns and sunshine. It’s some hardcore shit. If you can’t handle deuces bitch.

🖤 I do have a few more light hearted post about my previous jobs. They won’t be as good as Wally World but they are still awesome.

🖤I am trying to catch up on everyone’s blogs and I’ve realized I’ve read a lot of them and forgot to hit the like button.

🖤 We are going to try and make this a great week.

🖤 If my post don’t have a copyright I got them from Google.

🖤

Open Mic Night 2018

This year I wanted to do something different to raise money for the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk. This year is my third year and I am so excited! I normally go on Facebook and give people long winded stories on why suicide prevention is so important and the hotline number. The plus side to all of this are the people who come up to me and feel comfortable enough to tell me their story. I want that communication with everyone, the event started out as an original content only but quickly changed to bring more people in. I tried selling tickets online (which if you do this please check the websites credibility first. You live and you learn. I managed to raise $500 in one night. $500 I had cozies (I still have some if anyone is interested) and charged $7.50 a ticket with free food. I was hoping for $200 and when we got the final total I cried. I cried for so many reasons but mostly I cried because in a little over 2 hours we educated over 50 people about suicide and mental health. If you are able to reach one person you are successful.

I got up and told my story. I don’t do well in front of people and not fond of eye contact so I stared at the mic and probably talked a little too fast but when I said “I tried to die by suicide a year ago on 9/27/18. It was like all the was sucked out of the room. I could feel the eyes staring through me and I knew this was it, the time I wanted so bad and even though I seem very comfortable discussing my illness on social media saying it out loud was a completely different story. I never told the true story on my Facebook page but when I finished and walked away from the mic still shaking I was met with hugs, I love you’s, I didn’t know how bad it was, and please call me if you ever need anything. It was more support I expected but I welcomed it all. I never thought my words could have so much power. Which is why I started this blog and these social media sites, I wanted to spread my word and make a difference. I would quote Gandhi but his views about rape make me question his morales. I have attached some pics of the open night mic cozies and my centerpieces that turned out beautiful.

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🖤Day 6 🖤 3 Personality Traits I am proud of (This feels like one of those worksheets your therapist make you do)

3 personality traits I am proud of… this requires a semi optimistic view of yourself, this is not one of my stronger traits. I’ve spent all day thinking about this and I’ve come up with the following: (I googled this for some inspiration and realized they are just adjectives)

1.) Passionate- This would probably be my #1 choice. I am extremely passionate as you can tell by my post. I believe that we can make a huge difference in the world if we are all open and honest about where we’ve been. I absolutely love all of us weirdos and have determined that the more comfortable we are to tell our stories the bigger difference we can make. I also want to help people who aren’t ready to tell their stories. I want you to know that no matter we our community stands by and supports all of your decisions (the positive ones not anything that would cause harm to yourself or anyone else.) We will change the world!!!

2.) Resourceful- Anyone that knows me will tell you I am one of the most resourceful person they know. I can make anything happen just give me 2 hours. I know ways around bills, rules and sometimes laws. I’ve unfortunately been through some severe circumstances but I don’t regret them. It wouldn’t make me the person I was without it. If you can put gas in 2 trucks, pay a partial light bill that is 4 months late and they are about to turn it off, water bill that is on the cut off list with only $200 in less than an hour. I also believe this has something to do with how poor you are growing up I think being poor you learn from your parents how to survive the struggle. I am thankful that these situations aren’t as common before but I always keep these options in my back pocket.

3.) Extraordinary- We all have this trait it doesn’t matter what you are going through you are an extraordinary person. You walk around with this Black Plague that can engulf you and you do it. No matter how hard it is you try, even when your trying feels unbearable. You do it for yourself, you family, your children and sometimes when we feel we can’t anymore we are still extraordinary because we lived a life that some people couldn’t handle in a day. You are extraordinary and you are a beautiful soul. You got this shit and fuck people who say you can’t do it.

🖤🖤🖤🖤

🖤Day 5🖤 Guilty pleasures… yeah I hope you take me seriously after this one.

Guilty pleasures: Yay for a funny post. I plan on doing a couple of these today.

1.) YouTube- I know everyone watches YouTube but I only watch a few people for the drama and pure entertainment. The more popular channels with the good drama. I follow those and will start following all of the videos to keep up.

2.) slim Jim’s and beef jerky- I can eat them all day long. They aren’t good for you but anytime I can get them I inhale them.

3.) Movies- There will be a separate post about this but I’m not allowed to watch certain movies because of triggers. When no one is around I will spend all day watching them. I know they are bad for me, but I love them.

4.) Dirty videos and websites- Do I really need to say what it is and go into further detail. Yep

5.) Music- Some of these new “artist” with their weird music and 15 minutes of fame. I love their music and jam out in my car to it. EVERYDAY! (That is a Spotify playlist you can’t see.)

I don’t believe in name dropping in my blogs for more views except that stupid bitch on E! who said anxiety wasn’t real. I took her picture from the TV and made in impulse post. I probably have more guilty pleasures I can’t think of right now.

Depression and disappointing your child.

I didn’t do much of anything today besides fall asleep watching Netflix. I didn’t sleep well last night my dreams keep me up and down most of the night so sleeping was my biggest accomplishment for the day. I can feel the weight pulling me down the exhaustion from the thought of getting off the couch or picking up the remote. The list of stuff I need to do is crushing and there isn’t enough caffeine for motivation. My daughter wanted to go to the homecoming parade in the next city over but I haven’t showered, put on deodorant or a bra. I’m still wearing the same clothes I had on yesterday. I haven’t brushed my teeth or my hair so any public appearance is not happening. She jumped in my car when I went to pick her up and all she could talk about is the parade with her friends and I had to break her heart and tell her we weren’t going. I could see the hurt in her eyes and face but she tries to play it off. I ask her what’s wrong and she returns with nothing but her face is starting to turn red. She says she can’t tell me the truth because I get mad and start to call myself a bad mom. I tried to hold back the tears because she is all too familiar feeling when mama is sick. So I took my depressed ensemble to the dollar store where I spent $20 on random shit just to make her hate me a little less because it is my fault again we can’t go somewhere. I could feel people staring at me they knew what a horrible person I was. I bought her markers, notebook, modeling clay, and ice cream. She is excited but then I feel like I’m buying her love. We came home and I find my spot back on the couch find a movie she wants to watch and start to color with her. She is 11 and I know one day this won’t work anymore. This guilt is eating at me and I know she resents me for it and it will only get worse as she gets older. She wanted to go outside and play so I’m writing this hoping that I can rest for a few minutes before she comes back in. I can try and hide it for a little longer until my husband gets home or she goes to bed. I may not make it that long but I will try for her.

🖤Earliest childhood memory🖤 Day 4 (parents should have a fund for therapy instead of college)

My earliest childhood memory: I have quite a few.

The first one was when I was about 3 or 4 and I had one of those blow up punching bags that looked like a clown. I was outside playing with it and my mom told me to be careful since we were playing with the water hose and not to bring it back in the house, but I didn’t listen and I tried to walk up the small metal black steps and fell down popping my punching bag. I cried so hard but my dad bought me a new one.

When I was about 5 and my granny and granddaddy took me to the circus at a local gym area and we were riding back in their old box Chevy when “Black Velvet” came on and I remember falling in love with it. I sang it on the way back home and when we got back my sister told on me and I was told that was a bad song and I shouldn’t listen to it because I didn’t understand the lyrics.

Then there are the memories of people passing away. There was this doorway between the kitchen and living room in the mobile home I grew up in and I remember when family members would go to the hospital and my mom would rush in the doorway stand there and let out an exacerbated sigh. We knew what it meant. I saw so much death growing up it became a normal part of my life. When my dad died my mom had some neighbors pick us up from school they were watching “White men cant jump.” (I still can’t watch it) and playing Sonic 3. My mom called and told them to bring us home. My dad had an accident at work and he was supposed to come home that day, but when I ran in the house the hospital bed was empty and my mom was crying. I didn’t really cry instead I got peroxide for a splinter in my finger. I’ve never accepted death well.

I realize my childhood memories aren’t exciting but rather sad.

I have other ones of playgrounds black swings that were so hot it would burn the back of your legs, metal slides, sports, fires metal buckets cut in half, roasting marshmallows, my granny (even when her alcoholism got bad) picking from the garden, chasing my cousin down with the water hose, stealing matches and setting things on fire. My family was a bit fucked up (everyone has those stories) alcoholics, drug addicts, abuse, custody fights. You know the normal shit you grow up to tell your therapist.

Day 3- The meaning behind Bipolar Outcasts

I live in the Bible Belt a small southern town filled with Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian churches. We ourselves are Baptists, but as I mentioned in the previous post we are extremely progressive. I did go to seminary for awhile and as much as I love God and his words it just wasn’t something that was meant for me. I do enjoy theology and learning about all different types of religion. I believe there are many paths to God so I am a bit alone in my beliefs. I openly support so many things that by my faith standards are unorthodox. I openly support gay marriage, believe strongly there is a gray area in abortions, and find my illness is not a sign of the devil inside me. We were taught at an early age that we don’t air our dirty laundry because of what the neighbors would think. It is a fucked up version of keeping up with The Jones. I tell you all of this for a reason, I by definition of everyone in my small town is an outcast. My husband being a deacon at the church and part of our city council has a strong appearance in the community so every time there is a function of any kind and pop up with my tattoos people stare, they are polite in my face and speak with me even when they don’t know what to say. I openly talk about my illness on my personal social media and don’t understand the problem with openly discussing my illness. If I had any other disease people would wear pins, have a ton of copy and share post (even if I despise them) but all I get are awkward stares and uncomfortable conversations to be polite. Fuck being polite I would much rather you just stay the fuck away from me. I am an outcast because I choose to be. My husband is my biggest fan and that to me is all that matters. He tells people about my crusade to bring suicide awareness, end the stigma on mental health, to make small town America more open to people like me. I want to change the world, but at the same time never lose the weird outcast I am because then I would no longer be me. I am a bipolar outcast.