I’ve debated this post and I’ve started and stopped it so many times. I am open about my addiction, my bipolar, mood swings, suicide attempts, hell even the exorcism but this one is hard for me. This is the part of the illness I’m not so open about because this is where the stigma about mental health finds a home. I’ve talked about it before and people are scared of me so much so they wouldn’t let their children play with my daughter. The good thing is anyone who is reading this and part of the mental health community can feel me on this subject with great understanding. I probably should talk about this more anyway.
I was diagnosed in July of 2013 the man appeared in April of 2014 but he’s never gone away. It doesn’t matter what antipsychotic they put me on what dose it is he doesn’t go away, but if I am taking my antipsychotic he doesn’t talk to me as much. I know how that sounds and I also know I am opening up a door for criticism and judgement but he is very much a part of my life. My husband, close friends, psychiatrist and my old therapist know all about him and they worry if I start to mention him because that means I am getting bad again and fast.
***Schizophrenia is a mental illness that causes psychosis, but schizophrenia also has other symptoms. And it isn’t the only cause of psychosis. In some cases, other mental illnesses cause psychosis, including depression, bipolar disorder, dementia and borderline personality disorder.*** In case you have no idea what I am talking about.
The man doesn’t have a face and he used to be a silhouette but as time passed he became more distinct. I would describe his shape almost like Jack on “The Nightmare before Christmas.” He’s tall and lean with extremely long arms and legs his fingers stretch out almost as far as his arm, but his face is still a shadow and he talks to me. It isn’t English but it isn’t tongues before any of you get excited about another exorcism. It is almost like a made up language between the two of us. Basically it’s your imaginary friend that’s been bit by a demon and won’t go away. When I stop taking my meds he starts with simple things keeping me awake he pokes at my anxiety. Then he starts with putting things in my head and I can’t avoid him so I start talking back. Those conversations start off with pacing back and forth then speaking quickly in between his sentences. I get hot and end up with half naked shaking and talking louder and louder. This normally happens in the middle of the night and wakes my husband up and I start rubbing the bottoms of my feet talking incoherently. From this point it gets blurry but he eventually doesn’t become the man beside my bed he is the man beside me everywhere.
The worst case was when I had an appointment with my therapist and he told me not to go as almost wrecked my car on the way there but when I got to the office I tell her he is here and she says she wants to talk to him and kept saying it wasn’t a good idea but she didn’t listen. I don’t know what happened but she said she could feel someone else in the room and there was a chill in the air.
That is as much as I am willing to talk about right now the more I say the more he starts to communicate.