Today was long and rough. It felt like the day would never end. I wanted Wayne, I always want Wayne. I want to go back to bed and sleep for the rest of the day. No caffeine is awful especially for today. My moods are terrible I’m not a danger to myself or others but the man is around and he started talking to me. I’m trying to hide what I am going through.
I slept way too much today but I was so tired and my dreams kept me up. The man is in my dreams now and I am trying to control it so he won’t be but I don’t know how or if I can even kick him out. I don’t like napping during the day it makes me feel bad but I couldn’t help it. I purposely try to forget my dreams that way they don’t follow me all day. I can keep putting on a happy face for as long as possible but that doesn’t mean anything. I am still hiding all of it. I am just trying my best to get through this and be okay. I just want to be okay. I am happy for things like family time, rice krispie treats, grilled cheese, pizza, Frozen and Tangled. That made the night perfect and that made the man go away for awhile.
He is getting almost to size and I am starting to see things.
Today was a good day even though I was so tired again. Wayne and I ended up spending the day together and he was in a better mood than he had been in for awhile. He sat watched movies and talked for awhile. It felt good that we were both in a good mood around each other. I haven’t really talked to him much about what is going on with me because he already has so much on his plate, I don’t want to add this stress to it. I’ve dealt with it before right? I can do it again by myself without medication. How hard can it be? The man is around and he is almost at full size. He isn’t talking but he follows me around more. I am trying to ignore him. Wayne and I scratched up money and got some lottery tickets today and then sat in the sun room with the door open enjoying the weather and talking. Those are the things I can do to make the man go away. He doesn’t like it when I am around people he tries to keep me away by saying things about them, but we haven’t got that far. I am really trying to make him go away now.
The lows are hitting the bottom of the barrel and everything hurts I mean EVERYTHING!!!! I don’t want to do anything but sleep. That is all I want to do even though I know it won’t make anything better. I feel like I am getting the flu but it is my mental health slowly deteriorating. Here is the part about this that is awesome and sucks when I get like this I am extremely creative, have so many ideas and I can write for hours (though after awhile it stops making sense) It sucks to be stuck in this situation. I want to be creative without going through the mental health phases. It is like moon phases but not as cool and a lot more spastic. I am reminded of the asteroid in Armageddon jagged, cold, unpredictable, slowly breaking apart and destroying everything in it’s path. I know people want to hear more about my illness and trust me with this you will have plenty of time to hear ALL ABOUT IT.
ALL I WANT IS A HUG.
THE MAN IS AROUND GROWING TRYING TO CAUSE PROBLEMS.
I’ve learned headphones save every social situation and today was no different. I sat with my headphones on eating pepperonis, drinking orange juice and listening to Gracie Davies on my phone. I had an ok day today of course getting home to family was the best. I don’t have much to say about anything else. I’ve been lost in thought all day.
The man is still around not talking.
A quick lesson on Cognitive Deficit- Examples of the kinds of deficits are difficulties with linguistic working memory (word retrieval), difficulties with planning, prioritizing and organizing of behavior (executive functioning), problems with retention of what’s been read or listened to, as well as the experience of mildly dulled or slowed thought processes. For some with bipolar disorder, it’s like they’ve experienced a gradual decline of brain power from their previous baseline level of function.
So now that we know what it is I will tell you what is going on with me. This happens all the time but worse when the moods are fluctuating (which is what I am doing now.) The thing about Cognitive Deficit is there is not anything you can do for it. There isn’t any medicine you can take to make it better, no amount of therapy it is just pieces of your brain being chipped away slowly. I have to tell my husband when this is happening to be extra careful of mistakes and the lapses in time that I experience. I am losing 45 minutes a day (we think) and I am beyond time of comprehending things. I got pulled over the other day and the cop asked me why I was following so closely and I just stared blankly at him. I’m surprised they didn’t test me as out of it as I sounded. Wayne will sit and talk to me and I missed the majority of the conversation. I hate when it is bad like this because I do things and don’t remember.
Spazzing out- when it gets bad I spazz out and it scares the hell out of people and it doesn’t make much sense it is like I have combined multiple illnesses into one and created this clusterfuck of a mess. I start whispering and repeating the same words to myself, my body temperature rises, I start shaking and rocking back and forth until I make absolutely no sense while I am talking. I usually rub my head and start talking about my husband. It is just a very scary time and I don’t like going through it but when I am highly stressed it always happens. I am trying to make it better and easier to deal with but unless I self medicate it always happens.
Agitation- The worse it gets the easier I am agitated. I get agitated because I can’t remember things or people are just annoying the shit of me for the littlest of things. It really bothers me when people ask what is going on with me and I try to tell them and they compare it to when they are having a bad day. It isn’t a bad fucking day it is a chemical imbalance in my fucking head and it is hard to handle. Fuck people listen to us we are struggling more than you realize.
I am losing focus and patience for this post so I am done now.
Today just wouldn’t end fast enough. Wayne and I discussed the salads we had last night and wanted to recreate them. I think last night was good for us. We are getting along better now. There are always hard times in relationships and we’ve been through our fair share but it never makes it any easier. We are making it through and me finally being in a right mind (sort of) I am able to comprehend (somewhat) what is going on around me. I know it kind be easy handling everything with me and trying to fight your own battles, but I am trying to use the knowledge of everything I’ve been through to help him if he will let me help him. He had a deacons meeting tonight and I had some time to myself and all I wanted was them. They are all I want all the time now which can be hard because they are my comfort level. I don’t like when these things are going on to be outside my comfort level so it makes everything else feel almost impossible.
The man isn’t vocal but he is hanging around more. I really want him to go away.
That was the weirdest most uncomfortable therapy session I’ve had and I dealt with 8 hours of group therapy during an involuntary psych hold.
Lets start with the fact that I tried to be a little optimistic and wanted her to wait and see the non showering, no makeup, same clothes for days, greasy hair and not sure when the last time I brushed my teeth for the 2nd or 3rd visit like a normal person would. I got up brushed my teeth, hair put on makeup, changed clothes (even tried to make sure they matched) and left the house a few minutes later than I wanted to, but it wasn’t a big deal then half way there I get pulled over for following to close to a cop car and that took forever then my car stalls on the way there. These are signs to me that this trip should not happen but I continued on like a brave warrior.Then I got to the building…..
When I got to the building I should’ve run the other direction. It was this rundown shopping center with this disgusting old flower shop that was barely hanging together and she was on the side of the building so I walked along the edge and knocked on this door and this older woman unlocked the door and let me in she then guided me down this half finished hallway to a small office. I texted Wayne at this point letting him know where I was in case things got shady. I walked into this dim lit room and she handed me a bunch of papers (see below) that I filled out while she asked the normal bullshit psych questions. She was very odd and I couldn’t make heads or tales of her. She kept asking what do you want to tell me and every time I started she stopped me mid sentence so I said fuck it I’m done talking. She lost my drivers license and we spent more time looking for it then we did talking. It was not a good experience and I will not go back. Le sigh I will I will start the search all over again.
Marriage is complicated, all relationships are complicated but marriage/relationships with mental health feel impossible. I know I talk about my husband all the time and how wonderful he is but our marriage is hard and our relationship is messy. He has trust issues with me not because I never cheated but because I’ve lied about money, caffeine, medicine, my moods so it makes it hard for him To trust me but it also means he worries all the time. I can’t imagine dealing with me all the time I don’t want to deal with me majority of the time and I have to.
We got in a fight the other night because I had Starbucks double shot energy drinks hidden in a drawer. I lost the will to fight against it and I had two on different days but hid them in the drawer. I hid them because I promised I would do better and not drink energy drinks anymore. I lied about not drinking them and what hurts worse than someone being mad at you is someone being disappointed in you. When someone says they are disappointed in you your heart breaks completely. I couldn’t sleep I kept waking up and wanting to talk it out with him. I wanted to make it all better by everything I said kept making it worse. All I did was dig myself deeper in a hole that I wouldn’t be able to get out of. I just wanted him to forgive me for yet another fuck up and I know everyone will say people make mistakes I just make the same damn one over and over again. He just got to where he could trust me to be responsible again and I did this. I could’ve talked to him and should’ve talked to him about it instead of giving in. Caffeine for me is an addiction no it isn’t as strong as drugs or the benzos but it’s a dangerous habit that can cause horrible consequences. I understand why he is mad and I don’t know how to fix it. I also don’t know how many more fuck ups I have before he says enough is enough. Sometimes I hate this illness so much I wish I could make it go away.
Fuck my life I don’t know how to fix it.