Today was a good day work I was tired (I am always tired) and all I want is to see Wayne and my daughter. They are all I think about all the time. I am also thinking about how far behind I am with everything and it makes my head throb. My head hurts a lot more lately now and I don’t know why. Wayne was in a great mood and we had an amazing evening together. It was just us because my daughter went to my moms and we were both tired but just in a good mood. I had such a great time with him. It was just a relaxing good evening. I know we are having a rough time with money and everything but it was nice for both of us to just forget everything even if it is just for a little while. I hope tomorrow goes by fast so I can see him again. We had the best Zaxby’s salads for supper. 🖤
The man is still around but not vocal. I really wish he would go away.
Today was an ok day, but work made me so tired. Wayne and I got along better today then we did yesterday. I am really trying to figure out the best way to help with everything. I had a nice long shower watched YouTube while putting a mask on my face. I was able to catch up some on Instagram and not work on blogs like I wanted to but I did take some time to myself. I am trying to make my moods stabilize. My daughter had a project due at school today and I can’t wait to hear how it went. I am trying to tell myself it will be a good weekend.
The man still isn’t vocal but he is making his presence known.
Today was a bad day. Wayne is stressed out and when he is stressed out it is hard for everyone. I am so used to him being the neutral I sometimes forget that he is human and deals with emotions too. Cami lied and to leave school early and it made Wayne upset so he was still in a sour mood when I got home. I know things with his business are slow right now and he is worried about so many things but I am not completely stable and I don’t know how to help him with his moods. I know he doesn’t want to see anyone for medicine (not because he doesn’t believe it) but he like most people think it is just stressed because of environmental reasons so he can control it. I know so much of the environment thing is bullshit but even though he is dead set on making sure that I am on mine to help me. I wish I knew how to help him.
It was also a bad day because my daughters pet salamander died. The reason she even found him is because of the oddly warm weather we are having right now. She was having a hard time finding food for him and I don’t think he was ever meant to live anyway but it broke her heart and she already had a rough day. We laid in the bed and talked until I fell asleep. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
The man is still around and he won’t leave. He is starting to become more visual but not vocal.
Today was one of the best days I’ve had in awhile, Wayne and I spent the day in Athens. I spent way too much money at Sephora buying facial cleanser and moisturizer. We ate at one of my favorite places well it is one of our favorite places and got smoothies. I’ve had so much fun with him. We went to 5 below which is one of the greatest stores. I had four days off and today was my last day and I am dreading not having more time with Wayne and my daughter. These are small updates of my day to day life. It is sometimes the only thing I have to give with my blog. I need to do a better job keeping up with them. I am trying to keep up with my moods and it is working some. The man is back which to me is the scariest thing of all.
The man is back and while he is a very dull figure he is growing more everyday.
I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and it is causing severe anxiety issues which in turn are causes a ton of other problems because my anxiety is what triggers everything else to say ok brain it is time to fuck some shit up so lets pull this wire and this wire and put it here who cares if it fucks up this this and this. I love when my brain likes to use these things to start and fuck with me. The therapist seems optimistic about this meeting even though I told her that I am going to therapy because I have to the last time I did this it didn’t end well at all. She was a nice person but it was hard to communicate with her. I will update more after therapy.
Today I will be productive and I made a to do list of blogs and Instagram and then things that I need to do today. I planned on being productive but my brain had other plans. I am still not half way finished with everything I wanted to do, but I washed my face this morning and evening, brushed my teeth and my hair which if anyone who has been there before understands and I know how cliche it sounds but it is true. I am trying so hard but everything feels like it is failing. I want my brain to work and I want to learn a healthier way of dealing with everything. I am just fucked from sanity right now.
After everything that happened yesterday I just kind of feel numb and this is without using anything I just ended up that way. I knew it was coming I could feel it after the amount of crying I did. I don’t like crying not because I think it makes you weak it is what reminds me that I hold too much in and if I found reasons to cry more often then maybe I would feel better and I wouldn’t focus on numbing everything. I put a closed sign on my instagram and my blog because I can’t think long enough to form one thought. These thoughts now are forced and I am trying to make sense of everything that’s happened. My brain isn’t working and Wayne has noticed and it worries him. I am not making sense and it is hard for me to comprehend simple tasks. I am really struggling and I don’t know how to keep focus and make sense of everything. I have therapy on Tuesday and I think that this is part of the problem. I am not ready for therapy. My life feels like it is slow motion and my brain is on fast forward 32x and everything is just so jumbled. I fucking hate this illness I just want my brain to function correctly just once dammit. Just one damn time I want to handle things like a person who isn’t completely fucked in the head, but this is my life forever and right now it feels like a death sentence.
I am going back to sleep that is most of what I’ve done all day after church and taking my daughter to get her nails done. I need sometime to clear my head without pills…. I don’t know if/how I can do it.
Today Wayne and I got in a fight. I had an ok day at work but after that I came home and the world crashed around me. I came home from work and I wanted to tell him about my day but I felt like he wasn’t listening also when I got home I wanted to do something different because I am so tired of structure in my life. It is like I do the same fucking thing everyday I go to work, come home spend time with Wayne and my daughter, eat supper and then I take my medicine and go to bed. I wasn’t meant for this life of fucking structure. I am so tired of being stuck in this routine but the flip side is without structure and routine I end up making bad decisions on impulse and usually they are dangerous to me. It can cause a lot of problems that I’ve avoided the last year because of this fucking routine. It is a double edge sword and I feel like I need a break from it but that is almost impossible.
I got mad without realizing how mad I was until Wayne made it apparent to me. I was screaming, swearing but I hurt my daughter and that is the hardest part. I said some not so nice things without realizing it (this again is why I need to save up for therapy when she gets older.) When I snapped back into reality she was in her room sobbing and Wayne had to start yelling to get me to snap back where I was and what was happening. I fell apart and even when I tried to make things better it just made things worse. I really fucked up this time and it’s been awhile since I accomplished such a task in a small amount of time. I went in our bedroom closed the door and started sobbing. This is the sobbing I’ve wanted for weeks which sounds odd but if it comes out then I am able to complete a cycle of fucked uppedness that I go through. I think it is similar to the phases in the moon, but when I started crying I couldn’t stop no matter what I tried there was no calming down and all I wanted to do was the one thing I am not able to do anymore which is pop a couple of pills succumb to the high and numb myself from all the pain, but it is no longer an option so I had to deal with it. I am still not good at dealing with my emotions and it just sunk me down further and my heart just broke a little more. It is hard dealing with emotions that are so extreme they feel like it is slowly killing me from the inside. I just want to be numb right now.